(no subject)
Ah fuck it, I just don't care anymore. My body becomes just a thing to contain my racing mind and raging soul. I continue with the motions of life - work, errands, and yes, even the rare socialization - but I will keep me inside myself.
You know what I'm sick of? People telling me things like I'm "great" or "special" or the ever so popular (no you aren't the only person to tell me this) "whoever wins your heart is a lucky person" whilst rejecting me. That one's my favorite. Closely followed by the "I like/love you but I don't like/love you like that". But again, that's all in the past. I only bring it up to make a point. I've been spending this past week and a half making resolutions with myself not to care. I've done it before... whilst in a prior, er, less healthy relationship (long, long ago - I wish not to further explain at this point in time). It's similiar to the thought of humming a song whilst being tortured in order to distract yourself from the pain, except I will be humming for the rest of my days. It's hard to explain to others, which I'm not sure why I'm attempting to, but a few people somtimes read this journal, so I felt the need to clarify.
But still... there are current events that make me feel a little bit of something... guilty I think? Regretful? Always. Sad? That's a given. Happy? Somewhat - it comes on occassion (during those rare socializations), but it feels like a fake happiness - forced laugh, qued smile, avert the eyes as they haven't learned to cover their emotions yet - not out of obligation to the other person, but more so because it seems like I must "speak my lines" in the moment - as if it were some television show.
But underneath, or perhaps on top, of it all is the apathy.
SFW eh?
You know what I'm sick of? People telling me things like I'm "great" or "special" or the ever so popular (no you aren't the only person to tell me this) "whoever wins your heart is a lucky person" whilst rejecting me. That one's my favorite. Closely followed by the "I like/love you but I don't like/love you like that". But again, that's all in the past. I only bring it up to make a point. I've been spending this past week and a half making resolutions with myself not to care. I've done it before... whilst in a prior, er, less healthy relationship (long, long ago - I wish not to further explain at this point in time). It's similiar to the thought of humming a song whilst being tortured in order to distract yourself from the pain, except I will be humming for the rest of my days. It's hard to explain to others, which I'm not sure why I'm attempting to, but a few people somtimes read this journal, so I felt the need to clarify.
But still... there are current events that make me feel a little bit of something... guilty I think? Regretful? Always. Sad? That's a given. Happy? Somewhat - it comes on occassion (during those rare socializations), but it feels like a fake happiness - forced laugh, qued smile, avert the eyes as they haven't learned to cover their emotions yet - not out of obligation to the other person, but more so because it seems like I must "speak my lines" in the moment - as if it were some television show.
But underneath, or perhaps on top, of it all is the apathy.
SFW eh?