Completely Unfair
Whenever I sign onto AIM, and I get that obnoxious pop up window, I always scan through the top stories because sometimes they have something semi-interesting. Not usually, since 99% of the time it’s celebrity gossip bullshit. But, on occasion, they have interesting video game articles.
Today, one of the head lines was "Top 10 games for girl gamers". Hey, I’m a girl! And I like video games! This is just for me. So I click on the link, thinking maybe I’ll see something for when I finally get an Xbox this Christmas. And this is the list, from number 1 to 10.
#1 Animal Crossing: City Folk
Erm... wut? Out of the multitudes of games that came out the last few months, this is the number one pick for girls? From all of the commercials I’ve seen, this game looks amazingly stupid. Basically adult women get together and menstruate and watch cartoon fireworks. Basically everything they could do without spend 70 fucking dollars for Wii Speak. Pick up a goddamn telephone and call each other if you want to talk about collecting sea shells. The other commercial makes the game look even worse, because it’s two women - again, adults - sitting on a couch and fake shopping. But only one can play at a time. "Oh hey, Susan, do you want to come over and watch me go to a cartoon mall?" Jesus Christ. If this is number one, the only way this countdown can go is down.
#2 Nancy Drew: The Haunting of Castle Malloy
I read Nancy Drew when I was little. I had a crap load of these books. My problem with this was that apparently her father was a fucking retard and couldn’t solve any cases, ever, and his daughter had to pick up his slack so DCF didn’t put her in foster care. And, I’m pretty sure every time her friend Bessie or what ever was introduced, she was described as ‘pudgy’ and ‘plain’. Do you know why I stopped reading Nancy Drew? Because the Hardy Boys didn’t a thousand times better, and their father wasn’t an idiot. Yeah, yeah, they made a Nancy Drew movie a couple years ago or whatever. And you know what? It raped any sort of decent content the books ever had. Let’s make it modern! Let’s make Nancy Drew twelve fucking years old. She’s so classic, she doesn’t have a cell phone and likes taffy pulling. So I can only assume that’s what this game is based off of. Let me save everyone a lot of trouble. The weird ass, semi pedophiliac garden is using wax paper and comb to make the ghost noises, and the ghost itself is rabid raccoon caught in a sheet. There. I saved you 20 bucks and spoiled the ending of like a quarter of all Nancy Drew books. PS: That doll is the scariest goddamn thing I have ever seen.
#3 New Super Mario Bros
This is the only decent game on the entire list. But, like, seriously? This is all we get? I’m not saying Mario isn’t awesome. I love Mario. I saw that movie like a dozen times when I was little. But like, if you really wanted to, you could finish this game over the Christmas break,. And then you’re stuck with all the other shit-tastic games the retards who made this list assumed were awesome and that you’d omgz luv. Sorry, but one game will not save this top ten.
#4 High School Musical: Senior Year
You dance. That’s fucking it. And not like DDR dancing. Like.. bullshit controller dancing. You flail your arms around, apparently, and hit bubbles. What the fucking shit? If this was like, "Oh hai let’s put some HSM songs in a game and match it up with some up scrolling multi-color arrows" I’d be kinda down with it. I’ve got some mad DDR skillz, yo. But no. In this, you pick a character (or make your own gee golly jeepers) and "dance". Wow. How fucking awesome. Apparently Disney is still obsessed with making money off all the teenage girl who get moist while staring at Zak Efron. Yeah, I like Zak. But he’s obv a homo and I would not shell out any money to watch a computer animated version of him flounce around my tv screen. The fact that this fucking game made it into the top 5, even on this list, makes me want to ass rape puppies.
#5 My Sims Kingdom
I never played Sims. 1) I had no game system when it first game out and 2) I watched other people play it several times, and it looks stupid. Nothing about it appealed to me. Oh, make a house. Put people in it. Watch one of them go to the toilet while the other carves goddamn garden gnomes. No thanks. I can people watch for free by looking out of my window. What’s worse about Sims Kingdom is that all the characters look like fucking chibis. Chibis are cute for about 15 minutes, and only if they’re not moving around. But apparently girls only like things that look like fucked up dolls. And to make it extra appealing to females, it’s got princesses and castles. Big fucking deal. WHAT ARE PIRATES DOING AT A FUCKING CASTLE? And why is a random carpenter that looks like he stepped out of an episode of Trading Spaces there? Is there a light house in the background? Jesus titty fucking Christ. I managed to play better castle/princess games when I was 8 and all I had was a giant box of legos and a handful of Kelly dolls. So far, most of these games appear to be for girls who don’t know what a vagina is really called yet, so I’ll just say that maybe if I had gotten this when I was little, I’d have enjoyed it. But if I unwrapped this game this Christmas, I’d be pretty pissed.
#6 Club Penguin: Elite Penguin Force
What kind of bullshit is this? Is this some kind of sick joke? I get a fucking Penguin game? I don’t know what the hell Club Penguin is, but the fact that it’s become a video game geared towards girls above the age of.... 6... and that’s on the top list of anything other than "Wow These Are Shitty Ass Games" fills me with a terrible rage. It looks like my cousin drew a picture, sent it to some video game manufacturer, who took one look at it and said BRILLIANT MAKE IT A GAME NAO and then put it out for DS. What the fuck kind of mini games are on this thing? What sort of adventures can penguins get into? Fishing? Snow ball fights? Sliding down ice slides on their stomachs? Apparently there’s dancing, but Happy Feet did that first, so who gives a shit now? But the second half of the name is Elite Penguin Force. I assume that maybe, during later levels perhaps, the President calls and needs the penguins to go to the Middle East and save some troops who are MIA across enemy lines. Or maybe the penguins themselves are terrorists. Whatever. So far, none of these games require me to blow shit up. If I have to be a pink fucking penguin in order to that, fine.
#7 Hannah Montana: Spotlight World Tour
Holy cock fucking hell. Another Disney shit video game. I am sick and tired of both Miley Cirus and Hannah Montana. And the fact that no one at her school can fucking figure out that they’re the same person. It works with Superman because at least he’s a goddamn super hero and they can whatever, because he’s fucking Superman. But changing hair color does not a disguise make. If I dye my hair people don’t come up to me and demand to know what I did with Summer. Anyway, back to the game. It’s another retarded arm flailing dancing game. Except in this one, you get clothes when you travel to different places. Hot damn. I can’t say much more, only that I hate Hannah Montana. A lot. She's fucking everywhere and we don’t need video games with her prancing her around.
#8 Kirby Super Star Ultra
"The game is a delight to play and has colorful graphics." That’s the only thing the blurb under this picture said. That’s all it fucking has to offer. I will not be satisfied with pretty goddamn colors. You assume that I see a pink round marshmallow and I’ll automatically want it. This tells me abos-fucking-lutely nothing about this game. Is he in the wild west? Do we fight Indians? I’ll never find out, because never will I play this bullshit game. This is suppose to tell people about the game and entice them into buying it. Being delightful bullshit. If I go to a restaurant and ask them about a dish, and they tell me it’s tasty and nothing else, they can take their food and shove it up their ass.
#9 Littlest Pet Shop
Jesus Christ. Can we have one game, just one, where I shoot someone? Punch something to death? Anything. Alright, Littlest Pet Shop. I guess, you dress up animals. Wow. Doesn’t that sound exciting? What the fuck does a dog need a swimming cap and goggles for? I have no idea. I hate it when people dress up animals in people clothes. So I don’t need a game where that’s primarily what you do. I guess you bathe them and feed them or whatever. I don’t give a shit. I had a Tamagotchi that did that too. I got it for like three bucks at MacDonald’s. And it died all the goddamn time. The only thing I see this game doing is increasing the pleas for a real pet from snot nose kids three fold. And this game comes in other "flavors" (gag me). Ice, Jungle, and Garden. I don’t know what the fuck animals are supposed to be in this games. Polar bears, seals and penguins. Monkeys, lions and toucans? What the hell animals come in the Garden version? Woodchucks, deers and rabid badgers? I barely like taking care of my actual dog. He’s mean and old and smells like shit no matter how much we bathe him. Fuck this game. It’s just building up the hopes that some day a little girl can get a baby white tiger at the pet shop, only have her dreams dashed when all she gets a shitty gerbil.
#10 Dora the Explorer: Dora Saves the Snow Princess
Fuck me gently with a chainsaw. Dora? What is this shit? Yeah, there are more girl gamers than there probably were 10 years ago, but that doesn’t mean that once girls stop wetting the goddamn bed they decide they don’t like video games anymore. What the fuck am I supposed to do this? What bullshit trouble is this Snow Princess in? Why does a fucking toddler have to save her? Doesn’t her kingdom have an army for his kind of thing? Don’t Dora’s parents care that their daughter is wandering all over the goddamn place?
So everything about this list makes me angry. We get ONE good game, stuffed in the middle of steaming pile of horse shit. So I click next on the last picture without thinking, and see that the Top Ten Games for Boys list is loading. Maybe, just maybe, I’ll see that these lists actually are for kids, and they just have misleading titles. NOPE.
#1 Mario Kart Wii
This is list is already a million times better than the girl’s list. The number one girl game compared to Mario ANYTHING is like baby diarrhea compared to like... the Hope Diamond. Only boys can play racing games? What the hell? This game comes with a steering wheel. Included. We have to pay extra for bullshit Wii Speak. Boy toys are always so much better than girl games.
#2 Star Wars: The Force Unleashed
WHAT?! The fucking Force Unleashed? Well, there go my hopes that these lists were meant for children. Let me tell you something. Say I was like, 13 or so, I had a brother almost the same age as me, and were both given games for Christmas. I watch him open his gift, and it the Stars Game, and I’m like holy shit, my game has to be awesome. And I rip open my present, and it’s fucking Nancy Drew, I’d be flipping my shit. That is so goddamn retarded. Nancy Drew would never get played, save for when I’m hella bored and my brother is playing video games by himself, and Nancy Drew is a last resort. Goddamn it all, there are a shit ton of girl Star Fans. This is BS.
#3 Sonic Unleashed
SINCE WHEN DO GIRLS NOT LIKE SONIC?! If I recall correctly, there are girl characters in at least some of the games. Not that anyone plays them of their own will. But what girl looks at a Sonic game and says "I can’t play this, this is a boy game." No one ever says that. I’m not gonna lie, given a choice between this and New Super Mario Bros, I’d go with Sonic. I don’t know why this isn’t on the girl list. OH WAIT BECAUSE THERE’S NO FUCKING DANCING OR BABY ANIMALS. Jesus Christ.
#4 Pokemon Ranger
Girls don’t like Pokemon now? When did this happen? Pokemon is my jam, guys. And oh let me check. Nope there’s a vag in my pants. Ok, so when I was in middle school, not many girls were into trading Pokemon cards, but I assume that girls cream themselves of Pikachu nowadays. There are a crap load of female trainers in the games, and in the shows. Misty? Sabrina? Other... people. And I assume that the new shitty seasons have girl characters too. I didn’t know only boys could catch tiny animals in little balls. The #4 girl game is HSM. What the hell? Who picks High School Musical over fucking Pokemon? Well, I guess who picks HSM over Pokemon, not including hormonal teenage girls with a Corbin boner. If I were a girl now, I’d be pissed as fuck at the games geared towards me.
#5 Guitar Hero: World Tour
Only boys play guitar? I think Avril made it clear that girls can rock too, even if they’re shitty at it. Besides, it’s not like playing real guitar at all. Trust me, teenage girls are better at moving their fingers than most gamer guys. Just... trust me on this. And what came in at #5 on our list? My Sims Kingdom. Oh no, I don’t want to rock out with my non-cock out. I’d rather be prancing around my shitty ass half made castle, yelling at everyone because everyone in all the Sims games are fucking retards. That makes for a real nice Christmas.
#6 Banjo-Kazooie: Nuts & Bolts
Ok, this is another game I didn’t play. But you know what? It’s looks fun as hell. And you know what else? Building things is fun for everyone? And you know what else, else? It’s looks a million times better than fucking dancing 2D penguins. I’d say girls get the short end of the stick in these lists, but we don’t even get to touch the stick. The boys wave it at us, laughing, and then beat us to death with it. Unless the penguin game is a Tom Clancy knock off, like I hope, then we totally beat the boys with that one.
#7 Lego Batman
Oh, fucking hell. Now Batman is only for boys? If Batman was only for boys, then they wouldn’t have had cast George Clooney as the lead. That obviously wasn’t to entice guys into the theaters. Well... not 90% of them. But we also have Batgirl... which is geared towards guys, yeah, but also kind of for girls. And everyone fucking loves Legos. You don’t need a penis to enjoy them. I actually am looking forward to playing Lego Batman. What’s the girl option for this? HANNAH GODDAMN MONTANA. Oh god. Yeah, that’s all sorts of bullshit. All of the boy’s games are genderless, and yet all the girl games are super fucking fluffy and shitty. UHG GODDAMN. SO ANGRY.
#8 Shaun White Snowboarding
Ok, I could give two shits about snowboarding. Any sort of sport games aren’t all that appealing to me. I mean, I can learn how to play them, and play them pretty well. But they just get so boring after awhile. The only problem is that I can’t compare this to the Kirby game, because I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE AS TO WHAT THE KIRBY GAME IS ABOUT. I’m not going to fucking google search the Kirby game just to see if it’s as shitty as the screencap makes it out to be. So let’s just say these two games cancel each other out.
#9 Animal Crossing: City Folk
OH LOOK WHAT’S BACK! I thought this was super awesome for girls. How is it super awesome for boys, too? At least on the boy’s list I found out what the fuck is going on in this game. We take care of a village. Well, that sounds like almost no fun at all, no matter what genitals are in your pants. But compared to Littlest fucking Pet Shop, it sounds almost bearable. Would I rather garden the town park, or clip some fucking cats nails? I’d rather kill myself. So these games cancel each other out, too.
#10 Rayman Raving Rabbids TV Party
I don’t know what the fuck a Rabbid is, but I’d play this game over Dora’s retarded Princess Adventure. I say how much I hate this game every time the commercial is on, but it’s probably because of the shitty ass "YOU CAN’T PLAY TELEPHONE WITH YOUR BUTT" tag line. I’m sure if I actually sat and played some of the mini games, I’d like it. You know what I’ll never like? Trudging through a frozen hell as a toddler, with a baby monkey wearing fucking galoshes, on my way to save some retarded royalty what was too much of a jack ass to not get into trouble.
So basically, this made me angry the entire fucking day. I’m probably going to be pissed all this weekend, too. Girls get such shitty games made "for" us. How about you make a fucking game with a chick in it? Lara Croft doesn’t count. Left 4 Dead doesn’t count. Give us a break, or we’ll end up finding the brains behind these games, and shove them up their asses until their insides rupture and they die.