up date
I keep trying to put out the good vibes, but truly all in all, things are good. Yes, health is not prime, but I am mobile and can accomplish the important stuff, go to the bathroom by myself, clean and dress myself, go to work, drive my car, fix my food and the families, make money, pay bills, have my car fixed, watch a good movie, read a good book which means my eye sight is good. I can talk, laugh, scream, even dance a few steps across the floor. My memory is not prime but that what sticky notes are for. I am doing well at work, but never will feel completely safe, but life is not a safe place, it never was, not for anyone, at anytime in any part of human history.
When panic wants to attack, I do as my Dad said...you are in control of what and where your mind goes and if you let it drive, it make take you to the darkest scariest places, do not let it! I remind myself when I doubt myself of all I have done, of all I was able to overcome, of all the joy life has given me and I shut off the negative feed back. I could complain about the pain of loss loved ones, but than I forget to see the joy of the life and time I had with my parents, friends and family. I would spend the time thinking only of the loss ones and not of the people who are still with me, around me right now.
I remember once my sisters and I were in fear of losing my mother. She was at the table talking with us about this "OH SO Natural occurrence" in a such a pragmatic manner. We wailed NOOO, Mom, we will have to be put in a "home" when you die, we can not go on, how will we? you are so much of our lives and the depth of your love is such that we will not survive your death. She got angry and yelled at us...So, she said, you would let all I have done in my life go to wast, I job was to raise strong, independent, functioning adults, not failed humans who spend the remainder of their lives only half living, remembering only my death not my life. You children are my legacy and your to make me proud. Death, loss, change, it the very essence of LIFE, for all of us. How you deal with that is a monument to me and how I raise you. I will sit up in my coffin and slap the shit out of each of you if you act like fools at my funeral.
She was referring to us not just crying but losing all decorum and falling about wringing our hands wailing like Valkyries. We did well, I think I am making her proud, better yet, I am proud of myself.
I have had times when I have felt sorry for myself, allowed myself to wallow in self pity but then I here her voice and I rally the troops to go on...one of her sayings, as she would go out the door to work was "I'm off to the wars". She truly believed in being the hero of your own life, of "soldering" on in the face of adversity. She was always quick to laugh at herself, to see the absurdity in every crisis, her humor was often dark but always, it would bring her and us, to the true joy of life.
Love, love for others and yourself. We are coming up on Spring and that is when she died and this year I will plant a tree and perhaps some roses and I will look up and laugh and thank her and draw on her spirit of "can do, will do and what other choice do you have fool!!
Wake up, smell the coffee and remember one day you will no longer be here, what are you leaving behind, pain and suffering, tears and fear or the spirit to rise above and live.
I will always have some fear and depression but I will never allow it to freeze me in place, the warmth of family and friend and my own "hot damn it all to hell, spirit", will not let me do that.
When panic wants to attack, I do as my Dad said...you are in control of what and where your mind goes and if you let it drive, it make take you to the darkest scariest places, do not let it! I remind myself when I doubt myself of all I have done, of all I was able to overcome, of all the joy life has given me and I shut off the negative feed back. I could complain about the pain of loss loved ones, but than I forget to see the joy of the life and time I had with my parents, friends and family. I would spend the time thinking only of the loss ones and not of the people who are still with me, around me right now.
I remember once my sisters and I were in fear of losing my mother. She was at the table talking with us about this "OH SO Natural occurrence" in a such a pragmatic manner. We wailed NOOO, Mom, we will have to be put in a "home" when you die, we can not go on, how will we? you are so much of our lives and the depth of your love is such that we will not survive your death. She got angry and yelled at us...So, she said, you would let all I have done in my life go to wast, I job was to raise strong, independent, functioning adults, not failed humans who spend the remainder of their lives only half living, remembering only my death not my life. You children are my legacy and your to make me proud. Death, loss, change, it the very essence of LIFE, for all of us. How you deal with that is a monument to me and how I raise you. I will sit up in my coffin and slap the shit out of each of you if you act like fools at my funeral.
She was referring to us not just crying but losing all decorum and falling about wringing our hands wailing like Valkyries. We did well, I think I am making her proud, better yet, I am proud of myself.
I have had times when I have felt sorry for myself, allowed myself to wallow in self pity but then I here her voice and I rally the troops to go on...one of her sayings, as she would go out the door to work was "I'm off to the wars". She truly believed in being the hero of your own life, of "soldering" on in the face of adversity. She was always quick to laugh at herself, to see the absurdity in every crisis, her humor was often dark but always, it would bring her and us, to the true joy of life.
Love, love for others and yourself. We are coming up on Spring and that is when she died and this year I will plant a tree and perhaps some roses and I will look up and laugh and thank her and draw on her spirit of "can do, will do and what other choice do you have fool!!
Wake up, smell the coffee and remember one day you will no longer be here, what are you leaving behind, pain and suffering, tears and fear or the spirit to rise above and live.
I will always have some fear and depression but I will never allow it to freeze me in place, the warmth of family and friend and my own "hot damn it all to hell, spirit", will not let me do that.