voices all the time
there are three strings holding our earth together as we know it. it is formed like a triangle with one string holding directly vertical and the other two holding diagonally pointed toward the core.
if these strings are disturbed by natural disasters, etc. (tsunami, earthquake) it is possible the earth can be knocked free of these strings. if we are indeed liberated from the strings, the world will end due to the fact that we will either move too close or too far away from the sun.
i've got the shakes about 20 hours a day.
lithium
xanax
risperdal
abilify
buspar
kirsta.
i think i have a massive broken heart. i'm too scared to clip my fingernails because they have my DNA in it. they are viciously long now. i can't talk at the drive thru for fear that i am being recorded.
i miss her so much.
she was everything to me. is it hard for you to understand what love is?
love, for me, was not having to worry about the things that isolated me from the world because she was always isolated right next to me. love was fighting and getting over it. love was the way she would look at me before we would kiss.
no one can ever take that away from me. not even the next person she dates, the next person she fucks. we were in love and she is in denial. we may be broken up now, but it is no reason to undermine what we had. it was true and pure and real. the most real thing i have ever known. much more real than this medical fantasy land i've found myself roaming in.
she used to tell me that she never worried about "it". she asked me why i always told her not to worry about "it". i guess i just never wanted you to worry. that simple.
i wanted to be everything to you the way you were to me.
i really need you now more than ever and you're gone. and i can't blame you for wanting to be as far from me as you can be.
i get scared that i really am crazy.
i wish she were here to kiss me and tell me it would be okay. i'm starting to wonder whether it really will be okay.
asperger's syndrome
paranoid schizophrenia
bi-polar disorder
severe anxiety
suicidal ideation
antisocial tendencies
i want to be alone but i don't want to feel alone. i want to feel loved but i don't want to be in love (with exception to kirsta). i want to come but i don't want to have sex. i want to be in love with no one.
i used to have these panic attacks where i would fade out, almost like a narcoleptic fit, and come back after about 2 minutes. i am currently in a conscious state of narcolepsy. i am not living. i am alive, but i am not living. this is one long traumatic ending. when it will end? ...
music
poetry
listening
talking
kissing
hugging
holding
grabbing
suffocating
i can't write. this writer's block has lasted since i've been out of the hospital, which i can truly say is the longest block i have had in the seven years i've been writing poetry.
adderall
i miss the way she smelled. and the way she clung to me when we laid around for hours. i miss the way she used to care about us and she used to relax. i remember when she cared about herself. i remember when she didn't shut me away. i remember everything and she is trying to forget. i wish i could forget but it is not possible.
today is the worst day of my life.
and tomorrow will be the worst day of my life.
yesterday was the worst day of my life.
how many more days do i have to battle through?
and alone, at that?
thank god for family. my sister and my mom have been amazing. its been really hard for a long time now, but they are always there. i love them.
to those of you (jessica, hailey, etc.) who i act rude and aloof toward, i am sorry. i just want to be alone. i need to allow music and words to inflict me. i cannot think.
to tauni, i don't mean to blow you off but i am trying to use you as a replacement for someone else.
stacie, i'm always indebted to you for your friendship and understanding. i love you.
kirsta, you are the love of my life and i will think of you every day forever. you were the light at the end of my tunnel. i love you with my whole heart.
lindsey, thank you for listening. its hard for people to listen nowadays and it is refreshing and very helpful for someone just to shut their mouth once in awhile.
ryan, you make me laugh on the worst days ever. you made me laugh when i was locked in the darkest and most depressing place ever. many thanks my friend. much love.
joe, you are like my brother. i miss you every day you are gone and i wish you were around to help me through this because its still really hard even with all these people. thank you for always being the one to talk me out of something really stupid.
matt, thanks for listening, smoking when we should smoke, playing when we should play, skating when we should skate, etc. thanks much.
anton, you always know that we are brothers, no matter what great or terrible qualities we possess. that's forever man. forever.
brad, thanks for offering me a place to crash when i needed it most. it was way rad of you to just be there for me when i was in need.
mike d, you are a dickhead but that is one of your best qualities as far as i am concerned.
mike kelsey, i don't talk to you very often anymore, but please know i am thinking of you and wondering how you are. thanks for being around when i needed someone
kris, although the drugs were a bad idea, the talks were not. you and liz got me through our first breakup and i am forever indebted.
pat, what can i say except, 'i am god's only man'.
paul, sometimes just having a drink and saying, 'fuck it' does the job, and when that job needs to get done, i come to you. you are new to me and very interesting and i hope we stay such good friends.
frank, thanks for humoring my crazy ass by buying into my half-cocked theories about worlds on string and government conspiracies.
to anyone i may have forgotten in my family and friends, i am truly sorry and i will add you on if i think of you.
i miss the way things were, everyone. i miss two years ago. i am clinging to the past and i want to move into the future. i need everyone's help, i know i can do this. i love everyone so much that it makes me want to cry. there is so much love that its hard to bear.
thank you.
xoxo
if these strings are disturbed by natural disasters, etc. (tsunami, earthquake) it is possible the earth can be knocked free of these strings. if we are indeed liberated from the strings, the world will end due to the fact that we will either move too close or too far away from the sun.
i've got the shakes about 20 hours a day.
lithium
xanax
risperdal
abilify
buspar
kirsta.
i think i have a massive broken heart. i'm too scared to clip my fingernails because they have my DNA in it. they are viciously long now. i can't talk at the drive thru for fear that i am being recorded.
i miss her so much.
she was everything to me. is it hard for you to understand what love is?
love, for me, was not having to worry about the things that isolated me from the world because she was always isolated right next to me. love was fighting and getting over it. love was the way she would look at me before we would kiss.
no one can ever take that away from me. not even the next person she dates, the next person she fucks. we were in love and she is in denial. we may be broken up now, but it is no reason to undermine what we had. it was true and pure and real. the most real thing i have ever known. much more real than this medical fantasy land i've found myself roaming in.
she used to tell me that she never worried about "it". she asked me why i always told her not to worry about "it". i guess i just never wanted you to worry. that simple.
i wanted to be everything to you the way you were to me.
i really need you now more than ever and you're gone. and i can't blame you for wanting to be as far from me as you can be.
i get scared that i really am crazy.
i wish she were here to kiss me and tell me it would be okay. i'm starting to wonder whether it really will be okay.
asperger's syndrome
paranoid schizophrenia
bi-polar disorder
severe anxiety
suicidal ideation
antisocial tendencies
i want to be alone but i don't want to feel alone. i want to feel loved but i don't want to be in love (with exception to kirsta). i want to come but i don't want to have sex. i want to be in love with no one.
i used to have these panic attacks where i would fade out, almost like a narcoleptic fit, and come back after about 2 minutes. i am currently in a conscious state of narcolepsy. i am not living. i am alive, but i am not living. this is one long traumatic ending. when it will end? ...
music
poetry
listening
talking
kissing
hugging
holding
grabbing
suffocating
i can't write. this writer's block has lasted since i've been out of the hospital, which i can truly say is the longest block i have had in the seven years i've been writing poetry.
adderall
i miss the way she smelled. and the way she clung to me when we laid around for hours. i miss the way she used to care about us and she used to relax. i remember when she cared about herself. i remember when she didn't shut me away. i remember everything and she is trying to forget. i wish i could forget but it is not possible.
today is the worst day of my life.
and tomorrow will be the worst day of my life.
yesterday was the worst day of my life.
how many more days do i have to battle through?
and alone, at that?
thank god for family. my sister and my mom have been amazing. its been really hard for a long time now, but they are always there. i love them.
to those of you (jessica, hailey, etc.) who i act rude and aloof toward, i am sorry. i just want to be alone. i need to allow music and words to inflict me. i cannot think.
to tauni, i don't mean to blow you off but i am trying to use you as a replacement for someone else.
stacie, i'm always indebted to you for your friendship and understanding. i love you.
kirsta, you are the love of my life and i will think of you every day forever. you were the light at the end of my tunnel. i love you with my whole heart.
lindsey, thank you for listening. its hard for people to listen nowadays and it is refreshing and very helpful for someone just to shut their mouth once in awhile.
ryan, you make me laugh on the worst days ever. you made me laugh when i was locked in the darkest and most depressing place ever. many thanks my friend. much love.
joe, you are like my brother. i miss you every day you are gone and i wish you were around to help me through this because its still really hard even with all these people. thank you for always being the one to talk me out of something really stupid.
matt, thanks for listening, smoking when we should smoke, playing when we should play, skating when we should skate, etc. thanks much.
anton, you always know that we are brothers, no matter what great or terrible qualities we possess. that's forever man. forever.
brad, thanks for offering me a place to crash when i needed it most. it was way rad of you to just be there for me when i was in need.
mike d, you are a dickhead but that is one of your best qualities as far as i am concerned.
mike kelsey, i don't talk to you very often anymore, but please know i am thinking of you and wondering how you are. thanks for being around when i needed someone
kris, although the drugs were a bad idea, the talks were not. you and liz got me through our first breakup and i am forever indebted.
pat, what can i say except, 'i am god's only man'.
paul, sometimes just having a drink and saying, 'fuck it' does the job, and when that job needs to get done, i come to you. you are new to me and very interesting and i hope we stay such good friends.
frank, thanks for humoring my crazy ass by buying into my half-cocked theories about worlds on string and government conspiracies.
to anyone i may have forgotten in my family and friends, i am truly sorry and i will add you on if i think of you.
i miss the way things were, everyone. i miss two years ago. i am clinging to the past and i want to move into the future. i need everyone's help, i know i can do this. i love everyone so much that it makes me want to cry. there is so much love that its hard to bear.
thank you.
xoxo