21.
Title: Signal Fire
Rating: PG
Pairing/Characters: Daniel Agger/Robin van Persie, Ricardo Kakà, Pepe Reina, Martin Škrtel, Martin Kelly, Steven Gerrard, Xabi Alonso, Fernando Torres, Sergio Ramos, Andrei Arshavin
Disclaimer: Complete fiction
Summary: Rehab AU. Where Robin is a motivational speaker, and Agger is all, Fuck the world, who is this nerd in a fucking sweater vest who thinks he knows me?
A/N: For diskarte who prompted me with, "I don't want to start a flame in your heart, I just want to set the world on fire."
“Tell me your sins, my child.”
Daniel glares at the smaller man, who has a small Bible in his lap as his fingers slowly slip around the beads on his rosary. “What kind of priest wears plain clothes?” he demands. “Shouldn’t you be wearing cleric stuff?”
Ricardo looks down at his jeans and green polo T-shirt. “Ahh, yes, that.” He clears his throat, his fingers tightening on his Bible. “I’m not a real priest, per se. I’m waiting to be admitted into the seminary.”
Daniel narrows his eyes at him. “Why did you say we have to call you Father Ricardo then?”
“You don’t have to,” he says, blushing. “Ricardo is fine too.”
Daniel sits back and crosses his arms over his chest. “Yeah, well, if you don’t mind, I didn’t want to confess when I thought you were a priest, and I’m even less inclined now.”
Ricardo leans forward earnestly. “I can still offer you absolution.”
Daniel rolls his eyes. “Stop calling me that.” He stands up. “I’m going to leave, this was a stupid idea anyway.”
Ricardo nods, looking forlorn. “You can send the next person in.” He pauses. “Who is next?”
“Sergio.”
Ricardo jumps to his feet, almost knocking his Bible to the floor. “I have forgotten- I have other urgent appointments I must attend,” he says, hurriedly. “Perhaps another time.”
“Moonlighting as a priest elsewhere?” Daniel smirks.
“Please send Mr. Ramos my apologies,” Ricardo finishes, ignoring him.
Daniel doesn’t get a chance to because Sergio accosts Ricardo as he tries to sneak his way out unnoticed.
“Father, you haven’t heard my confession,” he says, his hand trailing down Ricardo’s arm. “These sins weigh heavy on my soul, I’ve been looking forward to your visit all week.” He flashes his teeth at the would-be priest.
“I’m sure it can wait,” Ricardo says, trying to remove his arm from Sergio’s grip. “Your sins are always the same.” He skips a beat and faintly adds, “My child.”
“But, Father,” Sergio croons, dangerously close to his face. “What if something happens to me and I die without being absolved?”
Daniel rolls his eyes and shoves Sergio into the room. “Just be sure to add that you hit on a priest,” he says, and ignores the grateful look from Ricardo.
“Time for group therapy,” Martin Kelly says, appearing at his side out of nowhere like he always does.
Daniel scowls and sticks his hands in his pockets. “Yeah, let’s go,” he mumbles. He hates this fucking place.
Pepe, their group therapy leader, gives them a bright smile as they arrive, and Daniel ignores him as he passes by and grabs the farthest seat away from him.
“Nice of you gentlemen to join us,” Pepe says, as Martin looks around for a seat other than the one next to him.
“Here, Kelly.” Steven kicks at the empty chair next to him and Martin gratefully scampers away from Pepe and joins Steven.
Pepe doesn’t seem offended, and his smile brightens as Martin Škrtel strolls in, looking irritated. “Ahh, Martin, look, we have a seat for you right next to me.”
Škrtel freezes in his tracks, as he looks around the room, then he scowls and sits down heavily next to Pepe.
“Yes, it’s nice to see you too,” Pepe says, patting him on the arm and doesn’t react when Škrtel snatches his arm away.
Daniel watches as Škrtel shifts until he’s sitting on his hands- a trick that Pepe had taught him whenever he felt a surge of anger; Škrtel sat on his hands a lot whenever Pepe was around-and he smirks.
“Well, we’ll just wait for Sergio and then we can start.”
“He’s at confession,” Steven says, smirking. “He’ll be there for awhile.”
“That’s stupid by the way,” Daniel says. “Making us see a priest.” Who isn’t even a priest, but he’s not sure if anyone else knows that and if Ricardo will get in trouble if he says anything. Not that he cares if the neighbourhood do-gooder gets in trouble, Daniel just figures everyone has their own kind of kick and if Ricardo gets off on this altruistic save-the-world bullshit, then who was he to judge?
“We don’t make you go,” Pepe says. “You’re free to decline.”
“Yeah, right. Go to confession or do weird breathing exercises with that Alonso freak.” Steven scoffs. “I’d rather make the altar boy’s ears burn, thanks.”
“Steven,” Pepe says. “You know you aren’t allowed to say anything demeaning about the staff here. Xabi’s exercises are good for you. Martin, you should consider it, I hear it teaches you how to be calmer.”
Škrtel glowers at him. “What do I do if sitting on my hands doesn’t work?”
“Take Alonso’s lessons apparently,” Steven says, laughing.
“Hola, amigos!” Sergio breezes in, and looks around. “No seat for me?” He turns to Fernando, who is trying to make himself look as small as possible. “How about I share a seat with you, niño? No? What about your lap?”
“Why is he even allowed to be a part of group therapy?” Daniel demands. “I thought rehab is supposed be about abstinence from our addictions, you’re just giving him more fodder. He hits on anything with a pulse.”
“Enough, Sergio.” Pepe stands up and points to his chair. “You can have my chair.” He shakes his head as Sergio pouts but takes the seat after he drags the chair closer to Andrei and away from Škrtel. “And Daniel, rehab is about learning to control your urges because once you leave, the temptations will be there, ready to suck you back in.”
Daniel rolls his eyes but doesn’t say anything.
“Now,” Pepe says, cheerfully. “Who would like to start?” When no one offers, he says, “What about you, Martin?”
“Which one?” Škrtel demands.
Pepe looks at him patiently. “Would you like to talk?”
“No.”
“Then not you. You can talk last. Mr. Kelly?” He looks at Martin expectantly.
Martin pulls at his sleeves and fiddles with his fingers. “I’m okay,” he mumbles. “It’s sort of hard at night.”
“What’s the matter, honey? Cold? I can help warm you up.”
“Is that supposed to make him feel safer, Ramos? Why don’t you just shut the fuck up and go braid your hair or something.”
“Sergio, Steven, enough,” Pepe warns, and he nods at Martin. “Go on. Why is it hard at night?”
Martin looks irritated. “Because that’s when everything’s quiet and I’m alone,” he snaps. “During the day we have group and meals and other activities, so we’re busy and with other people. It’s different at night, I’m left alone with my thoughts.”
Daniel looks over at him and watches how he tugs at his sleeves. He was probably the least annoying person in this hellhole; if he liked anyone, it would probably be Martin.
“So what do you do?” Pepe asks.
Martin shrugs. “I try to think of other stuff, happier stuff. It doesn’t really work so I just count until I fall asleep. I animate the numbers in my head; it keeps me occupied sometimes.”
“That’s good, Martin,” Pepe says encouragingly. “That’s very good. Who wants to go next?”
Andrei’s hand shoots up in the air and Pepe sighs.
“Yes, Andrei. The floor’s yours.”
Andrei smiles brightly. “I found a penny in the dining hall yesterday,” he says. “It was on the floor and I picked it up. I’ve hidden it because I’m going to start saving up my money.”
Pepe looks uncertain about this. “That’s good,” he says carefully. “Is there anything in particular you’re saving up for?”
“Uppers,” Steven mumbles under his breath and Daniel snorts. He ignores it when Steven looks over, he doesn’t want him to think he’s interested in being friends or anything. He hates being in rehab and once he got out of there, he doesn’t want any ties to the place.
“Shoes,” Andrei says, stretching out his legs and wiggling his sock-covered toes.
Daniel shakes his head. If this is what the Russian is like weaned off the drugs, he can’t imagine what he’s like on them. His room is right next to Daniel’s, and he hears Andrei laughing several times during the night. It keeps Daniel awake because it creeps him the fuck out, because what the fuck is he laughing about when he’s all by himself?
“Daniel?”
He looks up to find Pepe looking at him. “What? I’ve got nothing to say.”
Pepe gives him a look. “Come on, Daniel, you know you have to say something.”
“Yeah, Agger, come on, we have rec time after this,” Steven says beside him. “I have shows to watch, so just say something so we can get out of here.”
Daniel glares at him, mouthy fucker. “What do you want me to say?”
“Anything,” Pepe answers. “This is a safe circle.”
Safe. Right. “I think this is bullshit.”
“You’ve got a pretty face, Agger,” Sergio says, twisting his hair around his finger. “But that’s been your party line since day one. Try something different.”
“You wanted me to say something and I did,” Daniel tells Pepe, crossing his arms.
Pepe sighs. “Yes, I suppose you did. All right. Fernando? What about you?”
Daniel folds his fingers into his palms and presses down until he can feel his nails bite painfully into his skin like he always does when he’s irritated or angry. He lets go then and opens his fists to look at the crescent shapes. He feels a little calmer already.
Pepe tells them that they’re going to have a motivational speaker come talk to them tomorrow and Daniel rolls his eyes.
The last time they had a motivational speaker it was a man named Cristiano with slick hair and an expensive suit and crocodile leather shoes, whose speech was basically a to-do list on how to be exactly like him. On the bright side, Škrtel had tried to throw a chair at him, and seeing Cristiano flee for cover, while screeching in terror had been sort of satisfying.
“You going to send this one running too?” he asks Škrtel.
Škrtel smirks at him, which is as close to a smile as you could get with him.
“No, not this time, Mr. Škrtel,” Pepe says behind them. “We will be sitting on floor mats, I’m taking precaution this time.”
“You never let us have any fun,” Škrtel complains, as Pepe sweeps past them.
Martin appears at Daniel’s side again, almost on cue. “Want to play table tennis?”
Daniel sighs. He wanted to read his book during rec time, but no one else would play with Martin and then he’d probably end up watching the crap Steven picked out because he had run out of the room as soon as they were done so that he’d get control over the remote. “Sure.”
Steven snickers when their motivational speaker comes in with Pepe. “Look at this guy,” he says to Daniel. “Think Škrtel could take him down with three blows?”
Daniel smirks at the tall man talking to Pepe. He looked ridiculous as it was, but the sweater vest over a pink golf shirt topped it off. Daniel can’t imagine what he thinks he has to say to any of them.
“Less than that,” he says.
“One,” Škrtel says, dropping down beside Martin, who is next to Daniel.
“Look at the tasty treat Pepe brought us,” Sergio says, leaning back on his elbows in front of Steven. When Steven shoves him so that he falls on his back, he says, “Why, Stevie, if you wanted me on my back, you just had to say so. No need to get rough.” He grins. “Unless that’s the way you like it.”
“Fuck off,” Steven growls. “And don’t call me that.” He gets up and moves next to Škrtel, who is smirking at him.
“Fernando!” Sergio calls cheerfully as Fernando enters the room.
Fernando glances at him and quickly hurries to the back of the room to sit next to Arshavin, who has his legs crossed, his eyes closed and his arms held out. He was so strange.
Sergio huffs and sits up, tossing his hair.
“Okay, we’re all here,” Pepe says loudly, quieting them. “This is Robin van Persie, he’s here to speak to you about how making positive choices makes for a positive lifestyle and how the choices you make always affect your future, no matter how insignificant they seem.”
Daniel snorts, and Robin glances over at him. He holds Robin’s gaze and smirks when he looks away. Then he pulls his knees to his chest and waits for the bullshit spiel Robin was going to spout.
Daniel drops his head, resting his forehead against his knees. He can’t believe the self-righteous crap this guy was telling them.
Don’t ever let circumstances, events or other people tell you you don’t deserve something. Set a goal, be ready to face obstacles but also choose the positive route whenever it’s possible. Positive choices set off a chain reaction: positive results, positive outlook on life, positive thinking and blahblahblah.
Jesus. It was the most ridiculous shit Daniel has ever heard, and he has heard his share of inspirational crap. This was a new, completely bullshit spin on it though.
Fernando and Andrei are watching him in rapt attention and it makes Daniel sneer. They would. He can’t tell if Sergio is actually paying attention because he cares or if he’s just trying to figure out how to hit on him later on.
When Robin is done, there’s a slight pause before Pepe starts clapping and the rest of them follow, somewhat mutely.
“Any questions?” Robin asks.
“Can we go?” Steven asks.
Pepe gives him a stern look. “Not yet. Any serious questions?”
Sergio’s hand rises and Pepe ignores it. “Yes, Fernando, you have your hand up.”
“Do you really think positive thinking can change your life?” Fernando asks, and shrinks slightly when Daniel turns to look at him scornfully.
“I do,” Robin says, confidently. “Sometimes all it takes is someone telling us we can do it because so many people are always being put down, told they can only reach a certain level. The truth is, there is no limit. We are all limitless.”
Daniel shakes his head and presses his nails into his palms. He feels the sting, which is when he usually lets go, but he is so angry- he can’t believe the gall of this pretentious fucker, telling them that their problem is no one told them they could better- that he just keeps pressing and pressing. He feels his middle finger on his left hand tearing into his skin and he drags it down, cringing at the sting. He lets go then and looks in satisfaction at the red trickle among the crescent shapes.
He looks up then and realizes that that they’re done. Škrtel and Steven have already left. Fernando and Sergio are talking to Robin, and Kelly is lingering around the door, looking unsure. Daniel gets to his feet, and is almost out the door when Pepe calls him back.
“Robin wants to talk to you,” he says.
“No thanks,” Daniel says, and leaves before Pepe can say anything.
Daniel is waiting for his turn to see Ricardo for confession; he figures he can probably just sit there for a few minutes and Ricardo wouldn’t say anything because Daniel knew he wasn’t a priest so he couldn’t force him.
Steven has just come out looking smug when Pepe appears.
“Pepe,” Steven says pleasantly, grinning at him.
The smile on Pepe’s face falters a little. “Good afternoon, Steven.”
Ricardo comes out of his room looking perplexed, and Daniel knows something happened when he notices Steven trying to slink by Pepe.
Unfortunately Pepe is on the ball. “Something the matter, Father?” he asks, his hand on Steven’s collar, keeping him in place.
Ricardo blinks, patting down his pockets. “Ahh, yes, I appear to have misplaced my rosary,” he says, unsurely. “I’m sure I brought it in with me today…at least I think I’m sure.”
Daniel rolls his eyes. What did Steven even want with a rosary?
“Oh, your rosary.” Pepe turns to Steven. “You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?”
Steven makes a face and pulls the rosary out of his pocket and holds it out to Ricardo, who looks confused like he can’t believe someone is capable of taking something that didn’t belong to him.
“Sorry,” Steven says, grinning. “Should I come back in and confess?”
Pepe is already shoving him towards the room where Xabi Alonso is holding his weird hippie class. “No more confession for you from now on,” he says. “Breathing exercises. Maybe finding your inner zen will help you keep your hands to yourself.”
“But-”
“No buts,” Pepe says. He turns to Daniel. “Agger, Robin is here to see you. He’s waiting for you in the group therapy room.”
Daniel narrows his eyes. “Why?”
Pepe rolls his eyes as he struggles with Steven. “Just go. I doubt you actually have much to confess anyway, I’m sure your soul will be okay if you skip today’s confession.”
Ricardo looks appalled at Pepe’s flippant attitude, but Daniel thinks he’s too grateful about getting his rosary back to say anything.
Not that Daniel cares about confessing, and it’s not like he was actually going to, but he’s not sure that talking to Mr. Happy-the-World-is-So-Bright-and-Shiny is a better alternative.
“Agger, I’m sorry, did I sound like I was giving you a choice because that was my mistake. Go.”
Daniel sighs and shuffles to his feet. As he passes by Ricardo, he hears him whisper, “Your sins are forgiven, go in peace,” as he touches his arm.
Daniel moves his arm away and glares at Ricardo. “I didn’t ask for that,” he says, angrily. “I didn’t want anyone’s fucking forgiveness.”
Ricardo stares at him, not moving or saying anything.
Daniel exhales and wishes he hadn’t gotten so angry about something so trivial; he’s not even sure why he was so irritated. “Whatever, it’s not like what you say actually counts for anything anyway,” he mumbles, shuffling away.
Robin doesn’t notice him when he enters the room. He’s too busy fidgeting around in his chair like he’s trying to get comfortable but can’t figure out what to do with his legs.
Daniel smirks. “They make them uncomfortable on purpose,” he says. “So we pay attention and don’t fall asleep or whatever.”
Robin looks up in surprise. “Oh, hi.” He stands up and gets his foot entangled with one of the legs of the chair he was struggling with and it crashes to the floor. He frowns and picks it up. “Sorry, I’m really clumsy.”
“Your positive rainbow thinking doesn’t help that?” he says, sneering slightly.
Robin ignores his comment. “Would it be okay if we just sat on the floor mats?” he asks, pointing to the pile stacked up against the wall.
Daniel shrugs, and follows him as he grabs one and sits down. He doesn’t have a preference, he’d rather not be here at all.
“So…Daniel, right?” Robin says, struggling to get comfortable on the mat as well. “Is Daniel okay or would you rather be called something else?”
Daniel almost laughs, was this guy for real? Did he really think Daniel was going to say he could call him Dan or Danny? “Daniel’s fine.”
“I’m Robin.”
“I remember.”
“Right. Of course.” Robin gives up and ends up in what looks like an awkward position but it doesn’t seem to bother him. “I couldn’t help noticing you yesterday when I talked to your group.”
Daniel laughs. “What? You’re here because your feelings were hurt that I didn’t buy into your bullshit?”
Robin looks genuinely surprised at that, which makes Daniel laugh again. “You think its bullshit?”
“Don’t tell me you’re surprised. I can’t be the first one to tell you you’re full of it.”
“Just because you don’t agree with me doesn’t mean I’m full of it,” Robin says, frostily. “I believe in what I said.”
Daniel is incredulous. “Some people believe there’s life on Mars, that doesn’t mean it’s true.”
“You’re arrogant.”
“You’re ignorant.”
“Excuse me?”
Daniel clenches his jaw. He’s had enough of this. He’d rather go do that hippie breathing shit Xabi taught than deal with this delusional idiot. “I’m leaving,” he says, standing up. “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings or whatever, but you have a right to your opinion and I have a right to mine. So there. I hope you can sleep happy because everything is right again in your world full of rainbows and unicorns.” He leaves, as Robin struggles to get up. It was a good thing he was a slow delusional idiot.
“I’m sorry about the other day,” Daniel tells Ricardo.
Ricardo looks pleased. “That’s all right,” he says. “Sometimes we feel like we are not worthy of forgiveness-”
Daniel rolls his eyes. “I’m still irritated at what you did, but I shouldn’t have gotten so angry, and I shouldn’t have- I’m sorry about what I said. It was rude.” He hates apologizing but he knows enough to correct things when he’s wrong.
Ricardo is stroking the spine of his Bible, looking thoughtful. “When you said what I say doesn’t count for anything?”
Daniel shifts uncomfortably. “Yeah. That was a dick thing to say.”
Ricardo blanches slightly at the language and Daniel smirks. “It’s okay. You’re right, I suppose.”
Daniel shakes his head. “So why do you do this? Sergio obviously creeps you out and it’s not like you can actually save his soul or whatever the fuck is supposed to happen in confession.”
Ricardo shrugs. “If Sergio is truly sorry, then he is already forgiven. The act of confession is just getting a verbal confirmation, sometimes people need that.”
Daniel can’t believe the self-deceptions people will fall for just to feel better about the shitty things they do.
“Why are you so against confession?” Ricardo asks.
“It’s nothing personal. I just don’t believe in it. Or religion in general.”
“Which part?”
“Any of it.”
“What do you believe in?”
Daniel laughs. “We’re not doing this. I just came in here to say I’m sorry and to prolong your inevitable meeting with Sergio.”
Ricardo flushes slightly. “You have your ideology and I have mine,” he says quietly.
“What is he doing here?” Daniel demands when he sees Robin loitering in the room Xabi had just vacated.
“He wants to talk to you again,” Pepe says. “He insisted. No group therapy for you today, you get to talk to him instead.”
Daniel scowls. “Group therapy is mandatory.”
Pepe sighs. “Yes, well, he’s persistent and you don’t say anything for me to work with anyway, so I’m sure we’ll both be fine if you skip this one.”
“You’re like a cold, Van Persie,” he says, taking the chair opposite from the one Robin is in. “I try to shake you but you keep hanging on. What is it now? Did we skip a step in our reconciliation yesterday? Was I supposed to give you a hug or something?”
Robin’s face remains impassive. “Has being an asshole worked for you so far?”
Daniel feels the anger rising because he knows where Robin is going with this. “Don’t,” he says, his fingers automatically curling into his hands.
“Because I believe in positive thinking, and I’m out here, and your negative dick attitude has you in here.” Robin crosses his arms. “So maybe there’s something to my ‘bullshit’, as you call it.”
The air quotes aggravate Daniel just as much as Robin's self-righteous attitude. “What is it exactly that you want from me?” His nails are pressing down now and his left hand stings when his nail presses into the same spot it had torn into before. “Am I some charity project to make you feel better about your life? Do you want to save me, is that it?”
Robin looks startled. “No, I-”
“Don’t bother,” Daniel continues. “It’s a waste of time. I don’t need to be saved.”
Robin's look of confusion disappears. “What do you need then?”
Was everyone out of their minds today? Daniel unclenches his hands and gets to his feet. “Why don’t you just fuck off? I get enough of this karmic synergy voodoo hokum here, I don’t need you adding to it.” He gets angrier when he sees the smile on Robin’s face. “What?”
“You said hokum.”
Daniel stops. “No, I didn’t,” he says, unsurely.
“Karmic synergy voodoo hokum,” Robin quotes, grinning.
The corner of Daniel’s lips quirk up slightly. “Well, it is,” he says, but he’s not so irritated anymore. He sighs and sits back down. If he can deal with Ricardo’s altruistic crap, he can put up with Robin’s positive thinking hokum.
He smirks. “Okay. What do you want? I’m listening.”
The fifth time Robin comes to see him, Daniel asks, “Okay, seriously this time, what is it you want from me?”
Robin gives his a questioning look. “Why do you think I want something from you?”
Daniel sits back in his chair. “Because as you so nicely pointed out once, you’re out there and yet, you’re spending a lot of time in here, and I don’t believe it’s because I think your positive thinking approach is bull. I can’t be the only one who’s told you that.”
“No, you’re not, it’s a pretty common reaction,” Robin admits.
“So?”
Robin studies him for awhile. “I’ve never seen anyone look as defeated as you did.”
Daniel groans and scrubs at his face with his hands. “Ugh, Robin, come on. Just when I was starting to think you were okay. Don’t do this.”
“What am I doing now?”
“Don’t analyze me. ‘Oh, you’re so defeated, you’re such a lost cause, I know underneath your tough guy exterior there’s a soft nougaty interior’ or whatever.” Daniel gives him a fixed look. “This isn’t some cover. This is me.”
Robin has a strange look on his face. “Soft nougaty interior?” he echoes. “What the fuck, Daniel? You have watched way too many afterschool specials.”
Daniel squirms, feeling slightly ashamed.
“Don’t worry, I don’t think you’re filled with caramel goodness,” Robin says, laughing.
“You’re an ass.”
“But a positive one,” Robin says, smirking.
Daniel begrudgingly smiles at him. “Are you going to answer the question?”
Robin shrugs. “I don’t know. I meant what I said. Thinking my approach is lame is common, but your reaction was different. You seemed personally offended, like I was insulting your grandmother.”
Daniel raises an eyebrow. “Is this the part where I’m supposed to cry and tell you about what a shit childhood I had?”
“I’ve mentioned that you’re kind of an asshole, right?”
“Kind of?” Daniel smirks. “That term was more definitive last time.”
Robin shrugs. “You’re a weird half-breed.” He leans forward. “I’m not trying to fix you, that’s not my thing. I just-you’re interesting.”
Steven stops complaining about having to take Xabi’s classes. Daniel has seen him doing some of the exercises in his free time, so he decides to give it a try.
It doesn’t take long to figure out why Steven is so excited about his classes.
They’re all flat on their backs as Xabi tells them to, “Get a proper sense of deep breathing.” He walks around as he tells them to place their hands palms down on their stomachs.
He stops next to Steven and sighs. “Steven, how many times do I have to show you?” Xabi crouches down next to him. “Your hands go at the base of your rib cage, remember?” He moves Steven’s hands to the correct position.
Daniel stares at Steven in disbelief. He knew exactly where his hands went, Daniel has seen him do it before.
Steven grins at him. “Guess I forgot.”
After about five minutes of this, Xabi tells them they can sit up. “Straight, Steven,” he says patiently, one hand at the base of his spine and the other on his shoulder. “Just like that. You need to practice outside of class.”
Daniel rolls his eyes.
“Okay,” Xabi says. “Inhale. You need to relax your stomach muscles. Fill up the middle of your chest, you should feel your chest and rib cage expanding.” He walks around, stopping every now and then to help someone. “Now exhale slowly. You need to be pulling your stomach in to let out your breath. Close your eyes. Concentrate on your breathing.”
Daniel closes his eyes. This was sort of okay. It wasn’t really his thing, but it wasn’t as bad as he thought it would be. He might start coming more often, alternate with confession, not that he told Ricardo anything. Maybe he’d tell him about Robin, they have the same weird need to help others around them.
He wonders why Robin didn’t want to be a priest. He could be pretty altruistic, although he’d have to cut back on all that swearing, and he couldn’t go around calling people assholes. Daniel’s glad he isn’t a priest though; if he was, he wouldn’t be able to-
Daniel opens his eyes abruptly. Wouldn’t be able to what?
“Close your eyes, Mr. Agger,” Xabi says from the front of the room. “Clear your mind, just concentrate on your breathing.”
Daniel obeys.
Inhale. Why was he even thinking about Robin? Exhale. And what, what could Daniel do because Robin wasn’t a priest? Inhale. Jesus, this is what Robin is doing. Exhale. Fucking with his head. Inhale. He’s going to tell Robin to just fuck off the the next time he sees him. Exhale.
“What’s wrong with you today?”
“I told you I didn’t want to talk to you so I don’t know why you’re surprised. Are the words ‘fuck off’ hard to grasp?”
Robin rolls his eyes. “Are you having a moment? Is this some quarterlife crisis bullshit you’re going through?”
Daniel glares at him. “Fuck. Off.”
“No, really, tell me. The last time I was here, you were fine, or as close to fine as you can be. What happened?”
“I don’t understand,” Daniel says, haltingly, “why you are still. Here.”
“What-” Robin cuts off and looks down. “What are you doing?” He glances back up at him. “What, you want to hit me?”
Daniel looks down, surprised. He hadn’t even realized he was doing it this time. “No,” he mumbles, opening up his hands.
Robin stares at them. “You’re bleeding.” He raises an eyebrow at him. “Should I tell Pepe about this?”
“No.” Daniel blinks. “I’m not…” He looks up at Robin. “It’s a trick I do whenever I’m angry.”
“Can’t you do something else besides hurt yourself?” Robin asks, sounding irritated.
“I don’t do it to hurt myself,” Daniel snaps. “It calms me down. I just press my nails into my palms and the anger subsides.”
Robin takes Daniel’s left hand in his, studying his palm. “This one kind of drags out,” he says, his fingers brushing over the pink skin that keeps healing over. “I don’t think your trick’s working anymore.”
“The first time this happened was the first time you came in to speak to us,” Daniel says flatiy.
Robin drops his hand and draws back. “I see,” he says stiffly. He gets up and after handing Daniel a tissue, he leaves.
Robin stops coming to see him, and even though it was what he had been aiming for, he’s even more irritated than usual.
“Would you like to tell me what happened?” Ricardo asks.
“No.”
“Really?” Ricardo actually sounds a little irritated, which is new and kind of refreshing in a way. “I’ve talked to Xabi many times, he’s very patient. Something must have happened if he kicked you out of his class.”
“I just wasn’t adhering to his hippie bullshit.”
Ricardo’s eyebrows knit together. “You’re angrier than usual, Daniel, what happened? The last few weeks, you were calmer and now you’re angrier than you were originally.”
Daniel rolls his eyes. “I’m not going to confess anything to you, so just drop it.”
Ricardo looks puzzled. “No, of course not, that isn’t what I meant,” he says. “I’m not asking as a priest-”
“Fake priest.”
Ricardo’s jaw clenches slightly. “I’m asking as a friend.”
Daniel blinks at him, and there’s a long pause as Ricardo just waits, his fingers wrapped with his rosary beads. Finally Daniel says, “You’re not my friend,” and leaves.
“Who would like to start today?” Pepe asks brightly. He turns to Škrtel. “Martin, you’re looking especially murderous today, is there anything you’d like to share with us?”
“No,” Škrtel mumbles.
Pepe shrugs. “All right, you can go last as usual. What about you, Daniel? You’re also a little bit more gloom and doom than usual, would you like to get something off your chest?”
“He’s just pining because his boyfriend hasn’t been coming around,” Steven answers, snickering.
Daniel’s nails have been digging into his palms since he walked into the room, and that just irritates him further. “Shut up,” he snaps.
Pepe’s interest is piqued. “Did something happen with Robin?” he asks. “He’s stopped asking to see you but I assumed that’s because you two figured out a schedule by yourselves.”
Daniel stares at him. “He still comes here?”
“Sure,” Pepe says. “He talks to other groups.”
“Ooh, drama,” Steven says, looking gleeful.
“Steven, please.”
“He’s pretty,” Sergio says from beside Daniel. “Good choice.”
“He’s too tall,” Andrei mumbles.
“Aww, don’t fret, little one,” Sergio says. “Big things come in little packages.”
“I don’t have a little package,” Andrei says defensively.
Sergio looks over at him, amused. “Really?”
“We’ve veered off topic,” Pepe says loudly, trying to quieten them down. “Would you like me to talk to Robin for you, Daniel?”
Daniel stares at his palms as he flexes his fingers out, frowning slightly at the newly formed scars. Robin was pathetic, he saw a little blood and he flipped out. What did Daniel care if he ever saw him again?
“No,” he says.
Daniel’s mood fluctuates all week, and even Martin gets sick of him and abandons him to go hang out with Andrei. Daniel is a little disgruntled at that, but then he sees Martin actually smile one day and figures it’s probably for the best.
He apologizes to Xabi to try to get back into his class, and Xabi acquiesces, which is good because Daniel is too ashamed to face Ricardo, thinking that even wannabe priests have their limits. The breathing classes are the only times he feels any sort of calmness. Otherwise he’s easily irritated and he feels oddly unsettled all week, which makes him even more annoyed.
His left palm has three almost neat lines that are continuously pink from all the healing over they do every time Daniel gets too angry.
When he feels his little finger tearing in slightly, he brings his hand closer to his face and cringes at the blood. He can’t do this anymore.
He runs into Robin like he knew he would inevitably. “What are you doing here?” he blurts out, even though he already knows.
“Pepe asked me to speak to another group.”
“Any lost causes you’re going to pick up?” Daniel smirks.
Robin rolls his eyes. “No,” he answers shortly, and brushes by him.
“Wait, hold on.” He turns and grabs Robin’s arm.
“What?”
Daniel blinks, not used to Robin being rude. “Can we talk for a bit?” he asks, pointing to the room Ricardo holds his pseudo confessions in.
Robin doesn’t say anything but he follows Daniel anyway. Once inside Daniel isn’t sure what to say to him.
“Tell me about your hand.”
Daniel looks down at the white bandage covering his left palm. “It doesn’t hurt anymore when I do my trick,” he says, holding out his hand to demonstrate. “My nails just press into the plaster, see?”
Robin doesn’t look impressed. “Is that why you got it?”
Daniel huffs. He’s not sure what he had expected but this conversation demanded too many explanations from him. “So did I scare you off?” he says instead.
Robin narrows his eyes at him. “Excuse me?”
Daniel nods at his hand, as he drops it down to his lap. “You saw it and you freaked out and left. I mean, I don’t care, it’s just sort of hilarious how you preach about thinking positive and keeping an open mind, but you can’t deal with the fact that there are a whole different range of emotions or whatever other than the sugar sweet saccharine bullshit you bask in. Like anger.”
Robin crosses his arms over his chest. “Is that what you’ve been sitting around here thinking? That you’ve won? That you’ve scared off the man from-what did you call it? Unicorn Land?-because of your epic manpain?” He laughs. “Sorry, Daniel, but you’re not special. Anger is nothing new, you didn’t invent it.”
Daniel glares at him. “What's your problem then?”
Robin gives his a strange look. “You told me your nails started bringing out blood when you met me. How am I supposed to react to that? I can deal with you being a dick, but I can’t be some guy who makes you so angry you hurt yourself.”
Daniel scowls. “It’s not you,” he mumbles. “It was your speech because I thought you were just peddling shit you read in a book. I didn’t think you actually believed it, so the idea that you were trying to tell us to be better by using that technique made me furious.” He stops, feeling uncomfortable. He’s not used to talking so much, especially since he had been in rehab. “Then the wounds just kept opening up again every time I tried to do it. I don’t do it on purpose.”
Robin studies him. “How did it start?”
Daniel sighs. “When I first came here, I wasn’t doing very well without the drugs, but every time it got particularly bad, I would squeeze my hands into fists and my nails would dig into my skin and it hurt like hell, but the pain made me stop thinking about it. It felt a little good.”
Robin looks like his mulling over this in his head. “I heard people get addicted to getting tattoos because of the pain.”
Daniel laughs. “They’re addicted to the endorphins that are released because of the pain,” he corrects, smirking slightly. He skips a beat. “I’ve got tattoos.”
Robin looks at him, surprised. “Really?”
“Yeah.” Daniel pushes up the sleeve covering his left arm and holds it out.
Robin leans forward and touches his hand to the inside of Daniel’s arm, his fingers slowly travelling down to his wrist, where they stop. He looks up to where Daniel is watching him, and he pulls his hand back, looking sheepish.
“My entire back’s covered too,” Daniel says to cover up any potential awkwardness.
“That’s a lot of ink.”
“They’re just tattoos,” Daniel says, pulling his sleeve back down.
“Sure.” Robin still looks a little embarrassed. “So how did squeezing your hands to get rid of a craving change into doing it when you’re angry?”
Daniel almost laughs at the word craving, it sounded like all he wanted was a particular kind of milkshake. “I was angry that I couldn’t get anything, angry that I was here.” He shrugs. “Eventually it just started to be something I did whenever I got mad.”
“Maybe you can try squeezing your knee instead.”
Daniel raises an eyebrow at him. “My knee?”
“Yeah, because then your nails are just digging into your pants and you wouldn’t be hurting yourself.”
Daniel shrugs. “I guess.”
“But you shouldn’t be that angry,” Robin says, worrying his lower lip between his teeth. He says something else but Daniel gets a little distracted. “Daniel?”
“There’s this priest, Ricardo,” Daniel says, looking away from Robin’s mouth. “He holds these confession…things, and he said when I used to talk to you, I was a little calmer.”
Robin looks nonplussed. “Sure. I noticed. That wasn’t me.”
“No?” Daniel rolls his eyes a little. The modest humanitarian bit did nothing for him.
“No, that was you talking, that’s why you were calmer. You don’t talk a lot, and you should. That’s why you’re here.”
Daniel squirms in his chair a little. He’s tired, but the unease he had been feeling all week has dissipated. “Are you going to come back to see me?” he asks, smirking.
Robin smiles a little. “Maybe.”
“Good afternoon, my little rays of sunshine,” Pepe says, strolling into the room. “Sorry, I’m late, you know I treasure every minute we have together.” He beams at Serglo. “You cut your hair.”
Sergio nods. “It’s too short,” he mumbles, sorrowfully.
“I like it,” Fernando says, quietly.
Sergio brightens visibly. “Really?”
Fernando looks embarrassed but he nods, and Sergio leans over and squeezes his arm quickly before he wraps his arms around himself.
“What are you doing?” Steven asks, looking at him strangely.
“Learning to respect people’s personal space,” Sergio answers, giving Fernando an apologetic look.
“Very good, Sergio,” Pepe says, looking pleased. “So who would like to start today?” He blinks in surprise. “Daniel? This is new.” He nods at him encouragingly. “Go ahead. The floor is yours.”
Daniel really hates talking in front of people this way. He tries to remember Xabi’s breathing exercises but he’s too panicked, so he just takes a deep breath instead, and then he says, “I do this thing with my hands when I’m angry.”
“Daniel.” Ricardo looks cheerful as Daniel sits across from him, even though Sergio has just left. He guesses Ricardo’s benefiting a lot from Sergio learning about boundaries.
“I haven’t seen you for awhile.”
“Yeah, I just came to apologize. Again.”
Ricardo shrugs. “It’s all right.” He’s smiling brightly, and it’s weird even for him. Daniel is about to make an excuse to leave to get away from him, but Ricardo leans forward. “I got into the seminary.”
Daniel blinks. “That’s great,” he says awkwardly. He’s not used to hearing a lot of good news in this place, if getting into a seminary even counts. “I guess we won’t be seeing you around here anymore.”
“Not for a while, no,” Ricardo says, serenely. “But once I get settled, I think I’ll come back.” He studies Daniel, and then he says, “Is there anything you’d like to tell me?”
Daniel snorts. “You’re still not a priest,” he points out. “And I already told you, I don’t believe in confession.”
“I’m not asking as a priest, Daniel.”
Daniel rolls his eyes, but he thinks he might miss Ricardo a little bit. He was certainly interesting with this strange utopian thinking he subscribed too, and Daniel wonders if this makes him a good candidate for a seminary or if it will be his downfall.
“Okay,” Daniel says, smirking at how Ricardo looks genuinely surprised. “I get a free pass to go out on Saturday for a hours. I wasn’t sure what to do, so I asked Pepe and he said most people see their family or friends.”
Ricardo nods and gestures for him to go on.
“I don’t think I’m ready for that yet,” Daniel says, thinking how glad he is that he won’t see Ricardo for sometime because he’d be embarrassed to face him. It makes him uncomfortable being this open.
“I’m not going to ask you why,” Ricardo says, “because you won’t tell me.” He smiles when Daniel smirks at him. “What do you want to do on Saturday?”
“Hey,” Daniel says before Robin leaves. “I get a pass to go out for a few hours this Saturday.”
Robin looks surprised. “Really? You didn’t seem particularly charming or engaging today.” He grins. “Did you blackmail someone?”
Daniel rolls his eyes. “No, thanks for the vote of confidence by the way. I participated in group therapy and Pepe was thrilled.” He shrugs. “He said it was a big step or something.” He fidgets in his seat. “Do you want to do something?”
Robin quirks up an eyebrow. “Really?”
“Yeah. Just coffee or lunch or whatever.”
Robin frowns. “Daniel, you realize you’re not allowed to have any visitors at rehab, right? The only reason I’m allowed in here is because I come in to talk for some of the group therapy sessions.”
“I know.”
“If we go out-” Robin pauses. “If they find out this is a personal relationship instead of a professional one, I won’t be allowed to come talk to you.”
Daniel has already thought of this. He doesn’t care mostly. He’s tired of sitting in a chair across from Robin and having their interactions confined to the rooms of this building. He wants to talk outside. And maybe not just talk, because that can be tiring.
He thinks about biting at Robin’s lip or the underside of his jaw. He wants to press his fingers against Robin’s hipbones and maybe his nails too, leave neat crescent shaped marks and lick at them until they disappear. He wants to show Robin the tattoos on his back and have Robin map out the lines there with his mouth.
“I know,” he tells Robin.
“So what happens after we go out? I’m supposed to wait on the outside and pine?” Robin looks at him, amused.
Daniel grins. “No. You’ll still come in here to peddle your happy shiny crap to unsuspecting people, right? Maybe I’ll accost you because I’m unruly like that.”
“Incorrigible,” Robin agrees.
“And I’ll get more passes.”
“It won’t be so easy. Pepe just gave you a pass this time to encourage you to participate more.”
“I know. I’ll get more passes,” Daniel repeats.
Robin shrugs. “If you say so.” He smiles from the doorway. “See you on Saturday.”
Rating: PG
Pairing/Characters: Daniel Agger/Robin van Persie, Ricardo Kakà, Pepe Reina, Martin Škrtel, Martin Kelly, Steven Gerrard, Xabi Alonso, Fernando Torres, Sergio Ramos, Andrei Arshavin
Disclaimer: Complete fiction
Summary: Rehab AU. Where Robin is a motivational speaker, and Agger is all, Fuck the world, who is this nerd in a fucking sweater vest who thinks he knows me?
A/N: For diskarte who prompted me with, "I don't want to start a flame in your heart, I just want to set the world on fire."
“Tell me your sins, my child.”
Daniel glares at the smaller man, who has a small Bible in his lap as his fingers slowly slip around the beads on his rosary. “What kind of priest wears plain clothes?” he demands. “Shouldn’t you be wearing cleric stuff?”
Ricardo looks down at his jeans and green polo T-shirt. “Ahh, yes, that.” He clears his throat, his fingers tightening on his Bible. “I’m not a real priest, per se. I’m waiting to be admitted into the seminary.”
Daniel narrows his eyes at him. “Why did you say we have to call you Father Ricardo then?”
“You don’t have to,” he says, blushing. “Ricardo is fine too.”
Daniel sits back and crosses his arms over his chest. “Yeah, well, if you don’t mind, I didn’t want to confess when I thought you were a priest, and I’m even less inclined now.”
Ricardo leans forward earnestly. “I can still offer you absolution.”
Daniel rolls his eyes. “Stop calling me that.” He stands up. “I’m going to leave, this was a stupid idea anyway.”
Ricardo nods, looking forlorn. “You can send the next person in.” He pauses. “Who is next?”
“Sergio.”
Ricardo jumps to his feet, almost knocking his Bible to the floor. “I have forgotten- I have other urgent appointments I must attend,” he says, hurriedly. “Perhaps another time.”
“Moonlighting as a priest elsewhere?” Daniel smirks.
“Please send Mr. Ramos my apologies,” Ricardo finishes, ignoring him.
Daniel doesn’t get a chance to because Sergio accosts Ricardo as he tries to sneak his way out unnoticed.
“Father, you haven’t heard my confession,” he says, his hand trailing down Ricardo’s arm. “These sins weigh heavy on my soul, I’ve been looking forward to your visit all week.” He flashes his teeth at the would-be priest.
“I’m sure it can wait,” Ricardo says, trying to remove his arm from Sergio’s grip. “Your sins are always the same.” He skips a beat and faintly adds, “My child.”
“But, Father,” Sergio croons, dangerously close to his face. “What if something happens to me and I die without being absolved?”
Daniel rolls his eyes and shoves Sergio into the room. “Just be sure to add that you hit on a priest,” he says, and ignores the grateful look from Ricardo.
“Time for group therapy,” Martin Kelly says, appearing at his side out of nowhere like he always does.
Daniel scowls and sticks his hands in his pockets. “Yeah, let’s go,” he mumbles. He hates this fucking place.
Pepe, their group therapy leader, gives them a bright smile as they arrive, and Daniel ignores him as he passes by and grabs the farthest seat away from him.
“Nice of you gentlemen to join us,” Pepe says, as Martin looks around for a seat other than the one next to him.
“Here, Kelly.” Steven kicks at the empty chair next to him and Martin gratefully scampers away from Pepe and joins Steven.
Pepe doesn’t seem offended, and his smile brightens as Martin Škrtel strolls in, looking irritated. “Ahh, Martin, look, we have a seat for you right next to me.”
Škrtel freezes in his tracks, as he looks around the room, then he scowls and sits down heavily next to Pepe.
“Yes, it’s nice to see you too,” Pepe says, patting him on the arm and doesn’t react when Škrtel snatches his arm away.
Daniel watches as Škrtel shifts until he’s sitting on his hands- a trick that Pepe had taught him whenever he felt a surge of anger; Škrtel sat on his hands a lot whenever Pepe was around-and he smirks.
“Well, we’ll just wait for Sergio and then we can start.”
“He’s at confession,” Steven says, smirking. “He’ll be there for awhile.”
“That’s stupid by the way,” Daniel says. “Making us see a priest.” Who isn’t even a priest, but he’s not sure if anyone else knows that and if Ricardo will get in trouble if he says anything. Not that he cares if the neighbourhood do-gooder gets in trouble, Daniel just figures everyone has their own kind of kick and if Ricardo gets off on this altruistic save-the-world bullshit, then who was he to judge?
“We don’t make you go,” Pepe says. “You’re free to decline.”
“Yeah, right. Go to confession or do weird breathing exercises with that Alonso freak.” Steven scoffs. “I’d rather make the altar boy’s ears burn, thanks.”
“Steven,” Pepe says. “You know you aren’t allowed to say anything demeaning about the staff here. Xabi’s exercises are good for you. Martin, you should consider it, I hear it teaches you how to be calmer.”
Škrtel glowers at him. “What do I do if sitting on my hands doesn’t work?”
“Take Alonso’s lessons apparently,” Steven says, laughing.
“Hola, amigos!” Sergio breezes in, and looks around. “No seat for me?” He turns to Fernando, who is trying to make himself look as small as possible. “How about I share a seat with you, niño? No? What about your lap?”
“Why is he even allowed to be a part of group therapy?” Daniel demands. “I thought rehab is supposed be about abstinence from our addictions, you’re just giving him more fodder. He hits on anything with a pulse.”
“Enough, Sergio.” Pepe stands up and points to his chair. “You can have my chair.” He shakes his head as Sergio pouts but takes the seat after he drags the chair closer to Andrei and away from Škrtel. “And Daniel, rehab is about learning to control your urges because once you leave, the temptations will be there, ready to suck you back in.”
Daniel rolls his eyes but doesn’t say anything.
“Now,” Pepe says, cheerfully. “Who would like to start?” When no one offers, he says, “What about you, Martin?”
“Which one?” Škrtel demands.
Pepe looks at him patiently. “Would you like to talk?”
“No.”
“Then not you. You can talk last. Mr. Kelly?” He looks at Martin expectantly.
Martin pulls at his sleeves and fiddles with his fingers. “I’m okay,” he mumbles. “It’s sort of hard at night.”
“What’s the matter, honey? Cold? I can help warm you up.”
“Is that supposed to make him feel safer, Ramos? Why don’t you just shut the fuck up and go braid your hair or something.”
“Sergio, Steven, enough,” Pepe warns, and he nods at Martin. “Go on. Why is it hard at night?”
Martin looks irritated. “Because that’s when everything’s quiet and I’m alone,” he snaps. “During the day we have group and meals and other activities, so we’re busy and with other people. It’s different at night, I’m left alone with my thoughts.”
Daniel looks over at him and watches how he tugs at his sleeves. He was probably the least annoying person in this hellhole; if he liked anyone, it would probably be Martin.
“So what do you do?” Pepe asks.
Martin shrugs. “I try to think of other stuff, happier stuff. It doesn’t really work so I just count until I fall asleep. I animate the numbers in my head; it keeps me occupied sometimes.”
“That’s good, Martin,” Pepe says encouragingly. “That’s very good. Who wants to go next?”
Andrei’s hand shoots up in the air and Pepe sighs.
“Yes, Andrei. The floor’s yours.”
Andrei smiles brightly. “I found a penny in the dining hall yesterday,” he says. “It was on the floor and I picked it up. I’ve hidden it because I’m going to start saving up my money.”
Pepe looks uncertain about this. “That’s good,” he says carefully. “Is there anything in particular you’re saving up for?”
“Uppers,” Steven mumbles under his breath and Daniel snorts. He ignores it when Steven looks over, he doesn’t want him to think he’s interested in being friends or anything. He hates being in rehab and once he got out of there, he doesn’t want any ties to the place.
“Shoes,” Andrei says, stretching out his legs and wiggling his sock-covered toes.
Daniel shakes his head. If this is what the Russian is like weaned off the drugs, he can’t imagine what he’s like on them. His room is right next to Daniel’s, and he hears Andrei laughing several times during the night. It keeps Daniel awake because it creeps him the fuck out, because what the fuck is he laughing about when he’s all by himself?
“Daniel?”
He looks up to find Pepe looking at him. “What? I’ve got nothing to say.”
Pepe gives him a look. “Come on, Daniel, you know you have to say something.”
“Yeah, Agger, come on, we have rec time after this,” Steven says beside him. “I have shows to watch, so just say something so we can get out of here.”
Daniel glares at him, mouthy fucker. “What do you want me to say?”
“Anything,” Pepe answers. “This is a safe circle.”
Safe. Right. “I think this is bullshit.”
“You’ve got a pretty face, Agger,” Sergio says, twisting his hair around his finger. “But that’s been your party line since day one. Try something different.”
“You wanted me to say something and I did,” Daniel tells Pepe, crossing his arms.
Pepe sighs. “Yes, I suppose you did. All right. Fernando? What about you?”
Daniel folds his fingers into his palms and presses down until he can feel his nails bite painfully into his skin like he always does when he’s irritated or angry. He lets go then and opens his fists to look at the crescent shapes. He feels a little calmer already.
Pepe tells them that they’re going to have a motivational speaker come talk to them tomorrow and Daniel rolls his eyes.
The last time they had a motivational speaker it was a man named Cristiano with slick hair and an expensive suit and crocodile leather shoes, whose speech was basically a to-do list on how to be exactly like him. On the bright side, Škrtel had tried to throw a chair at him, and seeing Cristiano flee for cover, while screeching in terror had been sort of satisfying.
“You going to send this one running too?” he asks Škrtel.
Škrtel smirks at him, which is as close to a smile as you could get with him.
“No, not this time, Mr. Škrtel,” Pepe says behind them. “We will be sitting on floor mats, I’m taking precaution this time.”
“You never let us have any fun,” Škrtel complains, as Pepe sweeps past them.
Martin appears at Daniel’s side again, almost on cue. “Want to play table tennis?”
Daniel sighs. He wanted to read his book during rec time, but no one else would play with Martin and then he’d probably end up watching the crap Steven picked out because he had run out of the room as soon as they were done so that he’d get control over the remote. “Sure.”
Steven snickers when their motivational speaker comes in with Pepe. “Look at this guy,” he says to Daniel. “Think Škrtel could take him down with three blows?”
Daniel smirks at the tall man talking to Pepe. He looked ridiculous as it was, but the sweater vest over a pink golf shirt topped it off. Daniel can’t imagine what he thinks he has to say to any of them.
“Less than that,” he says.
“One,” Škrtel says, dropping down beside Martin, who is next to Daniel.
“Look at the tasty treat Pepe brought us,” Sergio says, leaning back on his elbows in front of Steven. When Steven shoves him so that he falls on his back, he says, “Why, Stevie, if you wanted me on my back, you just had to say so. No need to get rough.” He grins. “Unless that’s the way you like it.”
“Fuck off,” Steven growls. “And don’t call me that.” He gets up and moves next to Škrtel, who is smirking at him.
“Fernando!” Sergio calls cheerfully as Fernando enters the room.
Fernando glances at him and quickly hurries to the back of the room to sit next to Arshavin, who has his legs crossed, his eyes closed and his arms held out. He was so strange.
Sergio huffs and sits up, tossing his hair.
“Okay, we’re all here,” Pepe says loudly, quieting them. “This is Robin van Persie, he’s here to speak to you about how making positive choices makes for a positive lifestyle and how the choices you make always affect your future, no matter how insignificant they seem.”
Daniel snorts, and Robin glances over at him. He holds Robin’s gaze and smirks when he looks away. Then he pulls his knees to his chest and waits for the bullshit spiel Robin was going to spout.
Daniel drops his head, resting his forehead against his knees. He can’t believe the self-righteous crap this guy was telling them.
Don’t ever let circumstances, events or other people tell you you don’t deserve something. Set a goal, be ready to face obstacles but also choose the positive route whenever it’s possible. Positive choices set off a chain reaction: positive results, positive outlook on life, positive thinking and blahblahblah.
Jesus. It was the most ridiculous shit Daniel has ever heard, and he has heard his share of inspirational crap. This was a new, completely bullshit spin on it though.
Fernando and Andrei are watching him in rapt attention and it makes Daniel sneer. They would. He can’t tell if Sergio is actually paying attention because he cares or if he’s just trying to figure out how to hit on him later on.
When Robin is done, there’s a slight pause before Pepe starts clapping and the rest of them follow, somewhat mutely.
“Any questions?” Robin asks.
“Can we go?” Steven asks.
Pepe gives him a stern look. “Not yet. Any serious questions?”
Sergio’s hand rises and Pepe ignores it. “Yes, Fernando, you have your hand up.”
“Do you really think positive thinking can change your life?” Fernando asks, and shrinks slightly when Daniel turns to look at him scornfully.
“I do,” Robin says, confidently. “Sometimes all it takes is someone telling us we can do it because so many people are always being put down, told they can only reach a certain level. The truth is, there is no limit. We are all limitless.”
Daniel shakes his head and presses his nails into his palms. He feels the sting, which is when he usually lets go, but he is so angry- he can’t believe the gall of this pretentious fucker, telling them that their problem is no one told them they could better- that he just keeps pressing and pressing. He feels his middle finger on his left hand tearing into his skin and he drags it down, cringing at the sting. He lets go then and looks in satisfaction at the red trickle among the crescent shapes.
He looks up then and realizes that that they’re done. Škrtel and Steven have already left. Fernando and Sergio are talking to Robin, and Kelly is lingering around the door, looking unsure. Daniel gets to his feet, and is almost out the door when Pepe calls him back.
“Robin wants to talk to you,” he says.
“No thanks,” Daniel says, and leaves before Pepe can say anything.
Daniel is waiting for his turn to see Ricardo for confession; he figures he can probably just sit there for a few minutes and Ricardo wouldn’t say anything because Daniel knew he wasn’t a priest so he couldn’t force him.
Steven has just come out looking smug when Pepe appears.
“Pepe,” Steven says pleasantly, grinning at him.
The smile on Pepe’s face falters a little. “Good afternoon, Steven.”
Ricardo comes out of his room looking perplexed, and Daniel knows something happened when he notices Steven trying to slink by Pepe.
Unfortunately Pepe is on the ball. “Something the matter, Father?” he asks, his hand on Steven’s collar, keeping him in place.
Ricardo blinks, patting down his pockets. “Ahh, yes, I appear to have misplaced my rosary,” he says, unsurely. “I’m sure I brought it in with me today…at least I think I’m sure.”
Daniel rolls his eyes. What did Steven even want with a rosary?
“Oh, your rosary.” Pepe turns to Steven. “You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?”
Steven makes a face and pulls the rosary out of his pocket and holds it out to Ricardo, who looks confused like he can’t believe someone is capable of taking something that didn’t belong to him.
“Sorry,” Steven says, grinning. “Should I come back in and confess?”
Pepe is already shoving him towards the room where Xabi Alonso is holding his weird hippie class. “No more confession for you from now on,” he says. “Breathing exercises. Maybe finding your inner zen will help you keep your hands to yourself.”
“But-”
“No buts,” Pepe says. He turns to Daniel. “Agger, Robin is here to see you. He’s waiting for you in the group therapy room.”
Daniel narrows his eyes. “Why?”
Pepe rolls his eyes as he struggles with Steven. “Just go. I doubt you actually have much to confess anyway, I’m sure your soul will be okay if you skip today’s confession.”
Ricardo looks appalled at Pepe’s flippant attitude, but Daniel thinks he’s too grateful about getting his rosary back to say anything.
Not that Daniel cares about confessing, and it’s not like he was actually going to, but he’s not sure that talking to Mr. Happy-the-World-is-So-Bright-and-Shiny is a better alternative.
“Agger, I’m sorry, did I sound like I was giving you a choice because that was my mistake. Go.”
Daniel sighs and shuffles to his feet. As he passes by Ricardo, he hears him whisper, “Your sins are forgiven, go in peace,” as he touches his arm.
Daniel moves his arm away and glares at Ricardo. “I didn’t ask for that,” he says, angrily. “I didn’t want anyone’s fucking forgiveness.”
Ricardo stares at him, not moving or saying anything.
Daniel exhales and wishes he hadn’t gotten so angry about something so trivial; he’s not even sure why he was so irritated. “Whatever, it’s not like what you say actually counts for anything anyway,” he mumbles, shuffling away.
Robin doesn’t notice him when he enters the room. He’s too busy fidgeting around in his chair like he’s trying to get comfortable but can’t figure out what to do with his legs.
Daniel smirks. “They make them uncomfortable on purpose,” he says. “So we pay attention and don’t fall asleep or whatever.”
Robin looks up in surprise. “Oh, hi.” He stands up and gets his foot entangled with one of the legs of the chair he was struggling with and it crashes to the floor. He frowns and picks it up. “Sorry, I’m really clumsy.”
“Your positive rainbow thinking doesn’t help that?” he says, sneering slightly.
Robin ignores his comment. “Would it be okay if we just sat on the floor mats?” he asks, pointing to the pile stacked up against the wall.
Daniel shrugs, and follows him as he grabs one and sits down. He doesn’t have a preference, he’d rather not be here at all.
“So…Daniel, right?” Robin says, struggling to get comfortable on the mat as well. “Is Daniel okay or would you rather be called something else?”
Daniel almost laughs, was this guy for real? Did he really think Daniel was going to say he could call him Dan or Danny? “Daniel’s fine.”
“I’m Robin.”
“I remember.”
“Right. Of course.” Robin gives up and ends up in what looks like an awkward position but it doesn’t seem to bother him. “I couldn’t help noticing you yesterday when I talked to your group.”
Daniel laughs. “What? You’re here because your feelings were hurt that I didn’t buy into your bullshit?”
Robin looks genuinely surprised at that, which makes Daniel laugh again. “You think its bullshit?”
“Don’t tell me you’re surprised. I can’t be the first one to tell you you’re full of it.”
“Just because you don’t agree with me doesn’t mean I’m full of it,” Robin says, frostily. “I believe in what I said.”
Daniel is incredulous. “Some people believe there’s life on Mars, that doesn’t mean it’s true.”
“You’re arrogant.”
“You’re ignorant.”
“Excuse me?”
Daniel clenches his jaw. He’s had enough of this. He’d rather go do that hippie breathing shit Xabi taught than deal with this delusional idiot. “I’m leaving,” he says, standing up. “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings or whatever, but you have a right to your opinion and I have a right to mine. So there. I hope you can sleep happy because everything is right again in your world full of rainbows and unicorns.” He leaves, as Robin struggles to get up. It was a good thing he was a slow delusional idiot.
“I’m sorry about the other day,” Daniel tells Ricardo.
Ricardo looks pleased. “That’s all right,” he says. “Sometimes we feel like we are not worthy of forgiveness-”
Daniel rolls his eyes. “I’m still irritated at what you did, but I shouldn’t have gotten so angry, and I shouldn’t have- I’m sorry about what I said. It was rude.” He hates apologizing but he knows enough to correct things when he’s wrong.
Ricardo is stroking the spine of his Bible, looking thoughtful. “When you said what I say doesn’t count for anything?”
Daniel shifts uncomfortably. “Yeah. That was a dick thing to say.”
Ricardo blanches slightly at the language and Daniel smirks. “It’s okay. You’re right, I suppose.”
Daniel shakes his head. “So why do you do this? Sergio obviously creeps you out and it’s not like you can actually save his soul or whatever the fuck is supposed to happen in confession.”
Ricardo shrugs. “If Sergio is truly sorry, then he is already forgiven. The act of confession is just getting a verbal confirmation, sometimes people need that.”
Daniel can’t believe the self-deceptions people will fall for just to feel better about the shitty things they do.
“Why are you so against confession?” Ricardo asks.
“It’s nothing personal. I just don’t believe in it. Or religion in general.”
“Which part?”
“Any of it.”
“What do you believe in?”
Daniel laughs. “We’re not doing this. I just came in here to say I’m sorry and to prolong your inevitable meeting with Sergio.”
Ricardo flushes slightly. “You have your ideology and I have mine,” he says quietly.
“What is he doing here?” Daniel demands when he sees Robin loitering in the room Xabi had just vacated.
“He wants to talk to you again,” Pepe says. “He insisted. No group therapy for you today, you get to talk to him instead.”
Daniel scowls. “Group therapy is mandatory.”
Pepe sighs. “Yes, well, he’s persistent and you don’t say anything for me to work with anyway, so I’m sure we’ll both be fine if you skip this one.”
“You’re like a cold, Van Persie,” he says, taking the chair opposite from the one Robin is in. “I try to shake you but you keep hanging on. What is it now? Did we skip a step in our reconciliation yesterday? Was I supposed to give you a hug or something?”
Robin’s face remains impassive. “Has being an asshole worked for you so far?”
Daniel feels the anger rising because he knows where Robin is going with this. “Don’t,” he says, his fingers automatically curling into his hands.
“Because I believe in positive thinking, and I’m out here, and your negative dick attitude has you in here.” Robin crosses his arms. “So maybe there’s something to my ‘bullshit’, as you call it.”
The air quotes aggravate Daniel just as much as Robin's self-righteous attitude. “What is it exactly that you want from me?” His nails are pressing down now and his left hand stings when his nail presses into the same spot it had torn into before. “Am I some charity project to make you feel better about your life? Do you want to save me, is that it?”
Robin looks startled. “No, I-”
“Don’t bother,” Daniel continues. “It’s a waste of time. I don’t need to be saved.”
Robin's look of confusion disappears. “What do you need then?”
Was everyone out of their minds today? Daniel unclenches his hands and gets to his feet. “Why don’t you just fuck off? I get enough of this karmic synergy voodoo hokum here, I don’t need you adding to it.” He gets angrier when he sees the smile on Robin’s face. “What?”
“You said hokum.”
Daniel stops. “No, I didn’t,” he says, unsurely.
“Karmic synergy voodoo hokum,” Robin quotes, grinning.
The corner of Daniel’s lips quirk up slightly. “Well, it is,” he says, but he’s not so irritated anymore. He sighs and sits back down. If he can deal with Ricardo’s altruistic crap, he can put up with Robin’s positive thinking hokum.
He smirks. “Okay. What do you want? I’m listening.”
The fifth time Robin comes to see him, Daniel asks, “Okay, seriously this time, what is it you want from me?”
Robin gives his a questioning look. “Why do you think I want something from you?”
Daniel sits back in his chair. “Because as you so nicely pointed out once, you’re out there and yet, you’re spending a lot of time in here, and I don’t believe it’s because I think your positive thinking approach is bull. I can’t be the only one who’s told you that.”
“No, you’re not, it’s a pretty common reaction,” Robin admits.
“So?”
Robin studies him for awhile. “I’ve never seen anyone look as defeated as you did.”
Daniel groans and scrubs at his face with his hands. “Ugh, Robin, come on. Just when I was starting to think you were okay. Don’t do this.”
“What am I doing now?”
“Don’t analyze me. ‘Oh, you’re so defeated, you’re such a lost cause, I know underneath your tough guy exterior there’s a soft nougaty interior’ or whatever.” Daniel gives him a fixed look. “This isn’t some cover. This is me.”
Robin has a strange look on his face. “Soft nougaty interior?” he echoes. “What the fuck, Daniel? You have watched way too many afterschool specials.”
Daniel squirms, feeling slightly ashamed.
“Don’t worry, I don’t think you’re filled with caramel goodness,” Robin says, laughing.
“You’re an ass.”
“But a positive one,” Robin says, smirking.
Daniel begrudgingly smiles at him. “Are you going to answer the question?”
Robin shrugs. “I don’t know. I meant what I said. Thinking my approach is lame is common, but your reaction was different. You seemed personally offended, like I was insulting your grandmother.”
Daniel raises an eyebrow. “Is this the part where I’m supposed to cry and tell you about what a shit childhood I had?”
“I’ve mentioned that you’re kind of an asshole, right?”
“Kind of?” Daniel smirks. “That term was more definitive last time.”
Robin shrugs. “You’re a weird half-breed.” He leans forward. “I’m not trying to fix you, that’s not my thing. I just-you’re interesting.”
Steven stops complaining about having to take Xabi’s classes. Daniel has seen him doing some of the exercises in his free time, so he decides to give it a try.
It doesn’t take long to figure out why Steven is so excited about his classes.
They’re all flat on their backs as Xabi tells them to, “Get a proper sense of deep breathing.” He walks around as he tells them to place their hands palms down on their stomachs.
He stops next to Steven and sighs. “Steven, how many times do I have to show you?” Xabi crouches down next to him. “Your hands go at the base of your rib cage, remember?” He moves Steven’s hands to the correct position.
Daniel stares at Steven in disbelief. He knew exactly where his hands went, Daniel has seen him do it before.
Steven grins at him. “Guess I forgot.”
After about five minutes of this, Xabi tells them they can sit up. “Straight, Steven,” he says patiently, one hand at the base of his spine and the other on his shoulder. “Just like that. You need to practice outside of class.”
Daniel rolls his eyes.
“Okay,” Xabi says. “Inhale. You need to relax your stomach muscles. Fill up the middle of your chest, you should feel your chest and rib cage expanding.” He walks around, stopping every now and then to help someone. “Now exhale slowly. You need to be pulling your stomach in to let out your breath. Close your eyes. Concentrate on your breathing.”
Daniel closes his eyes. This was sort of okay. It wasn’t really his thing, but it wasn’t as bad as he thought it would be. He might start coming more often, alternate with confession, not that he told Ricardo anything. Maybe he’d tell him about Robin, they have the same weird need to help others around them.
He wonders why Robin didn’t want to be a priest. He could be pretty altruistic, although he’d have to cut back on all that swearing, and he couldn’t go around calling people assholes. Daniel’s glad he isn’t a priest though; if he was, he wouldn’t be able to-
Daniel opens his eyes abruptly. Wouldn’t be able to what?
“Close your eyes, Mr. Agger,” Xabi says from the front of the room. “Clear your mind, just concentrate on your breathing.”
Daniel obeys.
Inhale. Why was he even thinking about Robin? Exhale. And what, what could Daniel do because Robin wasn’t a priest? Inhale. Jesus, this is what Robin is doing. Exhale. Fucking with his head. Inhale. He’s going to tell Robin to just fuck off the the next time he sees him. Exhale.
“What’s wrong with you today?”
“I told you I didn’t want to talk to you so I don’t know why you’re surprised. Are the words ‘fuck off’ hard to grasp?”
Robin rolls his eyes. “Are you having a moment? Is this some quarterlife crisis bullshit you’re going through?”
Daniel glares at him. “Fuck. Off.”
“No, really, tell me. The last time I was here, you were fine, or as close to fine as you can be. What happened?”
“I don’t understand,” Daniel says, haltingly, “why you are still. Here.”
“What-” Robin cuts off and looks down. “What are you doing?” He glances back up at him. “What, you want to hit me?”
Daniel looks down, surprised. He hadn’t even realized he was doing it this time. “No,” he mumbles, opening up his hands.
Robin stares at them. “You’re bleeding.” He raises an eyebrow at him. “Should I tell Pepe about this?”
“No.” Daniel blinks. “I’m not…” He looks up at Robin. “It’s a trick I do whenever I’m angry.”
“Can’t you do something else besides hurt yourself?” Robin asks, sounding irritated.
“I don’t do it to hurt myself,” Daniel snaps. “It calms me down. I just press my nails into my palms and the anger subsides.”
Robin takes Daniel’s left hand in his, studying his palm. “This one kind of drags out,” he says, his fingers brushing over the pink skin that keeps healing over. “I don’t think your trick’s working anymore.”
“The first time this happened was the first time you came in to speak to us,” Daniel says flatiy.
Robin drops his hand and draws back. “I see,” he says stiffly. He gets up and after handing Daniel a tissue, he leaves.
Robin stops coming to see him, and even though it was what he had been aiming for, he’s even more irritated than usual.
“Would you like to tell me what happened?” Ricardo asks.
“No.”
“Really?” Ricardo actually sounds a little irritated, which is new and kind of refreshing in a way. “I’ve talked to Xabi many times, he’s very patient. Something must have happened if he kicked you out of his class.”
“I just wasn’t adhering to his hippie bullshit.”
Ricardo’s eyebrows knit together. “You’re angrier than usual, Daniel, what happened? The last few weeks, you were calmer and now you’re angrier than you were originally.”
Daniel rolls his eyes. “I’m not going to confess anything to you, so just drop it.”
Ricardo looks puzzled. “No, of course not, that isn’t what I meant,” he says. “I’m not asking as a priest-”
“Fake priest.”
Ricardo’s jaw clenches slightly. “I’m asking as a friend.”
Daniel blinks at him, and there’s a long pause as Ricardo just waits, his fingers wrapped with his rosary beads. Finally Daniel says, “You’re not my friend,” and leaves.
“Who would like to start today?” Pepe asks brightly. He turns to Škrtel. “Martin, you’re looking especially murderous today, is there anything you’d like to share with us?”
“No,” Škrtel mumbles.
Pepe shrugs. “All right, you can go last as usual. What about you, Daniel? You’re also a little bit more gloom and doom than usual, would you like to get something off your chest?”
“He’s just pining because his boyfriend hasn’t been coming around,” Steven answers, snickering.
Daniel’s nails have been digging into his palms since he walked into the room, and that just irritates him further. “Shut up,” he snaps.
Pepe’s interest is piqued. “Did something happen with Robin?” he asks. “He’s stopped asking to see you but I assumed that’s because you two figured out a schedule by yourselves.”
Daniel stares at him. “He still comes here?”
“Sure,” Pepe says. “He talks to other groups.”
“Ooh, drama,” Steven says, looking gleeful.
“Steven, please.”
“He’s pretty,” Sergio says from beside Daniel. “Good choice.”
“He’s too tall,” Andrei mumbles.
“Aww, don’t fret, little one,” Sergio says. “Big things come in little packages.”
“I don’t have a little package,” Andrei says defensively.
Sergio looks over at him, amused. “Really?”
“We’ve veered off topic,” Pepe says loudly, trying to quieten them down. “Would you like me to talk to Robin for you, Daniel?”
Daniel stares at his palms as he flexes his fingers out, frowning slightly at the newly formed scars. Robin was pathetic, he saw a little blood and he flipped out. What did Daniel care if he ever saw him again?
“No,” he says.
Daniel’s mood fluctuates all week, and even Martin gets sick of him and abandons him to go hang out with Andrei. Daniel is a little disgruntled at that, but then he sees Martin actually smile one day and figures it’s probably for the best.
He apologizes to Xabi to try to get back into his class, and Xabi acquiesces, which is good because Daniel is too ashamed to face Ricardo, thinking that even wannabe priests have their limits. The breathing classes are the only times he feels any sort of calmness. Otherwise he’s easily irritated and he feels oddly unsettled all week, which makes him even more annoyed.
His left palm has three almost neat lines that are continuously pink from all the healing over they do every time Daniel gets too angry.
When he feels his little finger tearing in slightly, he brings his hand closer to his face and cringes at the blood. He can’t do this anymore.
He runs into Robin like he knew he would inevitably. “What are you doing here?” he blurts out, even though he already knows.
“Pepe asked me to speak to another group.”
“Any lost causes you’re going to pick up?” Daniel smirks.
Robin rolls his eyes. “No,” he answers shortly, and brushes by him.
“Wait, hold on.” He turns and grabs Robin’s arm.
“What?”
Daniel blinks, not used to Robin being rude. “Can we talk for a bit?” he asks, pointing to the room Ricardo holds his pseudo confessions in.
Robin doesn’t say anything but he follows Daniel anyway. Once inside Daniel isn’t sure what to say to him.
“Tell me about your hand.”
Daniel looks down at the white bandage covering his left palm. “It doesn’t hurt anymore when I do my trick,” he says, holding out his hand to demonstrate. “My nails just press into the plaster, see?”
Robin doesn’t look impressed. “Is that why you got it?”
Daniel huffs. He’s not sure what he had expected but this conversation demanded too many explanations from him. “So did I scare you off?” he says instead.
Robin narrows his eyes at him. “Excuse me?”
Daniel nods at his hand, as he drops it down to his lap. “You saw it and you freaked out and left. I mean, I don’t care, it’s just sort of hilarious how you preach about thinking positive and keeping an open mind, but you can’t deal with the fact that there are a whole different range of emotions or whatever other than the sugar sweet saccharine bullshit you bask in. Like anger.”
Robin crosses his arms over his chest. “Is that what you’ve been sitting around here thinking? That you’ve won? That you’ve scared off the man from-what did you call it? Unicorn Land?-because of your epic manpain?” He laughs. “Sorry, Daniel, but you’re not special. Anger is nothing new, you didn’t invent it.”
Daniel glares at him. “What's your problem then?”
Robin gives his a strange look. “You told me your nails started bringing out blood when you met me. How am I supposed to react to that? I can deal with you being a dick, but I can’t be some guy who makes you so angry you hurt yourself.”
Daniel scowls. “It’s not you,” he mumbles. “It was your speech because I thought you were just peddling shit you read in a book. I didn’t think you actually believed it, so the idea that you were trying to tell us to be better by using that technique made me furious.” He stops, feeling uncomfortable. He’s not used to talking so much, especially since he had been in rehab. “Then the wounds just kept opening up again every time I tried to do it. I don’t do it on purpose.”
Robin studies him. “How did it start?”
Daniel sighs. “When I first came here, I wasn’t doing very well without the drugs, but every time it got particularly bad, I would squeeze my hands into fists and my nails would dig into my skin and it hurt like hell, but the pain made me stop thinking about it. It felt a little good.”
Robin looks like his mulling over this in his head. “I heard people get addicted to getting tattoos because of the pain.”
Daniel laughs. “They’re addicted to the endorphins that are released because of the pain,” he corrects, smirking slightly. He skips a beat. “I’ve got tattoos.”
Robin looks at him, surprised. “Really?”
“Yeah.” Daniel pushes up the sleeve covering his left arm and holds it out.
Robin leans forward and touches his hand to the inside of Daniel’s arm, his fingers slowly travelling down to his wrist, where they stop. He looks up to where Daniel is watching him, and he pulls his hand back, looking sheepish.
“My entire back’s covered too,” Daniel says to cover up any potential awkwardness.
“That’s a lot of ink.”
“They’re just tattoos,” Daniel says, pulling his sleeve back down.
“Sure.” Robin still looks a little embarrassed. “So how did squeezing your hands to get rid of a craving change into doing it when you’re angry?”
Daniel almost laughs at the word craving, it sounded like all he wanted was a particular kind of milkshake. “I was angry that I couldn’t get anything, angry that I was here.” He shrugs. “Eventually it just started to be something I did whenever I got mad.”
“Maybe you can try squeezing your knee instead.”
Daniel raises an eyebrow at him. “My knee?”
“Yeah, because then your nails are just digging into your pants and you wouldn’t be hurting yourself.”
Daniel shrugs. “I guess.”
“But you shouldn’t be that angry,” Robin says, worrying his lower lip between his teeth. He says something else but Daniel gets a little distracted. “Daniel?”
“There’s this priest, Ricardo,” Daniel says, looking away from Robin’s mouth. “He holds these confession…things, and he said when I used to talk to you, I was a little calmer.”
Robin looks nonplussed. “Sure. I noticed. That wasn’t me.”
“No?” Daniel rolls his eyes a little. The modest humanitarian bit did nothing for him.
“No, that was you talking, that’s why you were calmer. You don’t talk a lot, and you should. That’s why you’re here.”
Daniel squirms in his chair a little. He’s tired, but the unease he had been feeling all week has dissipated. “Are you going to come back to see me?” he asks, smirking.
Robin smiles a little. “Maybe.”
“Good afternoon, my little rays of sunshine,” Pepe says, strolling into the room. “Sorry, I’m late, you know I treasure every minute we have together.” He beams at Serglo. “You cut your hair.”
Sergio nods. “It’s too short,” he mumbles, sorrowfully.
“I like it,” Fernando says, quietly.
Sergio brightens visibly. “Really?”
Fernando looks embarrassed but he nods, and Sergio leans over and squeezes his arm quickly before he wraps his arms around himself.
“What are you doing?” Steven asks, looking at him strangely.
“Learning to respect people’s personal space,” Sergio answers, giving Fernando an apologetic look.
“Very good, Sergio,” Pepe says, looking pleased. “So who would like to start today?” He blinks in surprise. “Daniel? This is new.” He nods at him encouragingly. “Go ahead. The floor is yours.”
Daniel really hates talking in front of people this way. He tries to remember Xabi’s breathing exercises but he’s too panicked, so he just takes a deep breath instead, and then he says, “I do this thing with my hands when I’m angry.”
“Daniel.” Ricardo looks cheerful as Daniel sits across from him, even though Sergio has just left. He guesses Ricardo’s benefiting a lot from Sergio learning about boundaries.
“I haven’t seen you for awhile.”
“Yeah, I just came to apologize. Again.”
Ricardo shrugs. “It’s all right.” He’s smiling brightly, and it’s weird even for him. Daniel is about to make an excuse to leave to get away from him, but Ricardo leans forward. “I got into the seminary.”
Daniel blinks. “That’s great,” he says awkwardly. He’s not used to hearing a lot of good news in this place, if getting into a seminary even counts. “I guess we won’t be seeing you around here anymore.”
“Not for a while, no,” Ricardo says, serenely. “But once I get settled, I think I’ll come back.” He studies Daniel, and then he says, “Is there anything you’d like to tell me?”
Daniel snorts. “You’re still not a priest,” he points out. “And I already told you, I don’t believe in confession.”
“I’m not asking as a priest, Daniel.”
Daniel rolls his eyes, but he thinks he might miss Ricardo a little bit. He was certainly interesting with this strange utopian thinking he subscribed too, and Daniel wonders if this makes him a good candidate for a seminary or if it will be his downfall.
“Okay,” Daniel says, smirking at how Ricardo looks genuinely surprised. “I get a free pass to go out on Saturday for a hours. I wasn’t sure what to do, so I asked Pepe and he said most people see their family or friends.”
Ricardo nods and gestures for him to go on.
“I don’t think I’m ready for that yet,” Daniel says, thinking how glad he is that he won’t see Ricardo for sometime because he’d be embarrassed to face him. It makes him uncomfortable being this open.
“I’m not going to ask you why,” Ricardo says, “because you won’t tell me.” He smiles when Daniel smirks at him. “What do you want to do on Saturday?”
“Hey,” Daniel says before Robin leaves. “I get a pass to go out for a few hours this Saturday.”
Robin looks surprised. “Really? You didn’t seem particularly charming or engaging today.” He grins. “Did you blackmail someone?”
Daniel rolls his eyes. “No, thanks for the vote of confidence by the way. I participated in group therapy and Pepe was thrilled.” He shrugs. “He said it was a big step or something.” He fidgets in his seat. “Do you want to do something?”
Robin quirks up an eyebrow. “Really?”
“Yeah. Just coffee or lunch or whatever.”
Robin frowns. “Daniel, you realize you’re not allowed to have any visitors at rehab, right? The only reason I’m allowed in here is because I come in to talk for some of the group therapy sessions.”
“I know.”
“If we go out-” Robin pauses. “If they find out this is a personal relationship instead of a professional one, I won’t be allowed to come talk to you.”
Daniel has already thought of this. He doesn’t care mostly. He’s tired of sitting in a chair across from Robin and having their interactions confined to the rooms of this building. He wants to talk outside. And maybe not just talk, because that can be tiring.
He thinks about biting at Robin’s lip or the underside of his jaw. He wants to press his fingers against Robin’s hipbones and maybe his nails too, leave neat crescent shaped marks and lick at them until they disappear. He wants to show Robin the tattoos on his back and have Robin map out the lines there with his mouth.
“I know,” he tells Robin.
“So what happens after we go out? I’m supposed to wait on the outside and pine?” Robin looks at him, amused.
Daniel grins. “No. You’ll still come in here to peddle your happy shiny crap to unsuspecting people, right? Maybe I’ll accost you because I’m unruly like that.”
“Incorrigible,” Robin agrees.
“And I’ll get more passes.”
“It won’t be so easy. Pepe just gave you a pass this time to encourage you to participate more.”
“I know. I’ll get more passes,” Daniel repeats.
Robin shrugs. “If you say so.” He smiles from the doorway. “See you on Saturday.”