"well look at the bright side." "what's the bright side?" "i don't know, just look at it!"
it's scary to know that in a good two months you will say goodbye to your best friend
you say lots of things, yeah we'll talk all the time, we'll visit all the time
but who's to say that any of those things might actually happen?
i've never in my life felt so helpless. there has never been a time up to now where there was a problem i couldn't fix, or at least someone could fix, the world keeps spinning and life keeps gaining on me, and there's no where to turn, soon it will be over
it's so surreal, we've spent months talking about it && crying about it && wondering about it, that it never seemed like it was actually going to happen
i've known since January (that's 6 months) that my best friend was not only going off to college, no where close to home, but his existence, his family, his life, was moving to the other side of the country. i've known for six months, for about 5 of those months i couldn't tell a soul, and i thought that was the hard part.
after 6 months you never really think it's ever going to happen, you spend a half a year worrying and nothing comes about, and then for a brief moment in time you think nothing will ever change, and you dreamed this all.
then you're rudely awaken when your movie is interrupted because the realtor comes to see the house, by the doorbell when someone comes to look at it, by the transformation of a messy, comfortable spacious place to a un-lived-in nature of a house-a place that used to be your comfort zone, your oasis, your secret spot, by the empty locker, by the empty chorus slot, but worst of all by the for sale sign that pops up after a wonderful afternoon spent basking in Neverland
sure it's two more months (actually i've been alerted that's it's more like 1.5), last summer two months felt like an eternity, a wonderful never-ending eternity. julie didn't think we would last even two months. summer ended and school began and everyone thought the summer romance would come to a halt, but it didn't. i'm not sure why. no one thought it would go much past September. the school year is a lot different than summer you know. work must be done, play must be put on hold, the winds change. but then october came and went and we entered the cold winter months, school kept going, never seeming to end. and then it just stopped. it didn't seem like it should. i don't mind that it's finally summer. but it doesn't seem like school should be over so soon. and it lasted. it lasted a whole year. a whole year of wonderful. the best year of my life.
a lot has happened in this year. this time last year no one had broken into my house, i didn't have a license, i hadn't been in an accident, still had many of my junior friends, i was still juvenile. in a year i've grown into a different person, i've grown into a person that i like a lot more. and it's because of my best friend
talking makes it better, saying look at the bright side makes it seem ok, you never know what the future will hold but i can't help being scared
i've just had the most amazing year of my life and i'm so scared for next year, when i won't have a safe haven or warm arms to fall into when my dad is being an ass, when i'm stressed up to my eyeballs, when my life is crashing down around me.
but i'm even more scared of leaving everything behind, and growing up.
everyone around me is about to grow up. a lot of my friends, and the people i see everyday are knee-deep into their last bit of childhood.
today after Gwyn && Ashley's graduation party alex & i just went to the high school parking lot to talk && such and at one point we started watching the sunset. and i danced and danced and danced around in circles. i giggled && and spun for years it seemed, i ran around with my hands waving in the air and for a minute i felt i was free from all this growing up, it felt like last summer when anything was possible && life was the dream and i was living it. for those 3 minutes when i was just in the school parking lot, filled with lots of cars, and probably lots of people watching me be nuts, i spun around and around and around i felt...whole
i get that life is about changes. i get it. i always have. i've never cared about something so much that it was hard to have to let it go. sure i've had relatives die, life moves on, it seems like it shouldn't but it does. i wanted those 3 minutes in the parking lot with my hands raised to the setting sun to just freeze and stay there forever.
it's strange how things turn out like this. when i was little all i could was think about what i could do when i was older.
i was willing to give up that happy meal toy so i could try the big mac
i was willing to learn to tie my shoes so i could run faster
i was willing to take the training wheels of my bike so i could move farther
i dragged my parents to the permit center && bugged them to take me driving && complained && whined until they took me to take my drivers test
i feel like for the first decade plus of my life i've done so much wanting more and wanting new and wanting bigger and "better" that i didn't stop. and i know i find myself huddled in a little corner about to be forcibly thrown into my senior year where I will actually have to think about growing up, and writing college applications, and how i want to spend my last year of childhood.
it's scary
it's scary to know that i'm about to do this
and it's scarier to know i'm about to do it alone
and so that's what scares me most of all.
having to grow up and having to do it all by myself
i have no idea what i want to be when i grow up
i have no idea what i want to do with my life
and i need to figure that out soon
i have one college in mind that i've fallen in love with
sure i've fallen in love with a few, but i need to start looking at other options
this is scary
and i'm all by myself
you say lots of things, yeah we'll talk all the time, we'll visit all the time
but who's to say that any of those things might actually happen?
i've never in my life felt so helpless. there has never been a time up to now where there was a problem i couldn't fix, or at least someone could fix, the world keeps spinning and life keeps gaining on me, and there's no where to turn, soon it will be over
it's so surreal, we've spent months talking about it && crying about it && wondering about it, that it never seemed like it was actually going to happen
i've known since January (that's 6 months) that my best friend was not only going off to college, no where close to home, but his existence, his family, his life, was moving to the other side of the country. i've known for six months, for about 5 of those months i couldn't tell a soul, and i thought that was the hard part.
after 6 months you never really think it's ever going to happen, you spend a half a year worrying and nothing comes about, and then for a brief moment in time you think nothing will ever change, and you dreamed this all.
then you're rudely awaken when your movie is interrupted because the realtor comes to see the house, by the doorbell when someone comes to look at it, by the transformation of a messy, comfortable spacious place to a un-lived-in nature of a house-a place that used to be your comfort zone, your oasis, your secret spot, by the empty locker, by the empty chorus slot, but worst of all by the for sale sign that pops up after a wonderful afternoon spent basking in Neverland
sure it's two more months (actually i've been alerted that's it's more like 1.5), last summer two months felt like an eternity, a wonderful never-ending eternity. julie didn't think we would last even two months. summer ended and school began and everyone thought the summer romance would come to a halt, but it didn't. i'm not sure why. no one thought it would go much past September. the school year is a lot different than summer you know. work must be done, play must be put on hold, the winds change. but then october came and went and we entered the cold winter months, school kept going, never seeming to end. and then it just stopped. it didn't seem like it should. i don't mind that it's finally summer. but it doesn't seem like school should be over so soon. and it lasted. it lasted a whole year. a whole year of wonderful. the best year of my life.
a lot has happened in this year. this time last year no one had broken into my house, i didn't have a license, i hadn't been in an accident, still had many of my junior friends, i was still juvenile. in a year i've grown into a different person, i've grown into a person that i like a lot more. and it's because of my best friend
talking makes it better, saying look at the bright side makes it seem ok, you never know what the future will hold but i can't help being scared
i've just had the most amazing year of my life and i'm so scared for next year, when i won't have a safe haven or warm arms to fall into when my dad is being an ass, when i'm stressed up to my eyeballs, when my life is crashing down around me.
but i'm even more scared of leaving everything behind, and growing up.
everyone around me is about to grow up. a lot of my friends, and the people i see everyday are knee-deep into their last bit of childhood.
today after Gwyn && Ashley's graduation party alex & i just went to the high school parking lot to talk && such and at one point we started watching the sunset. and i danced and danced and danced around in circles. i giggled && and spun for years it seemed, i ran around with my hands waving in the air and for a minute i felt i was free from all this growing up, it felt like last summer when anything was possible && life was the dream and i was living it. for those 3 minutes when i was just in the school parking lot, filled with lots of cars, and probably lots of people watching me be nuts, i spun around and around and around i felt...whole
i get that life is about changes. i get it. i always have. i've never cared about something so much that it was hard to have to let it go. sure i've had relatives die, life moves on, it seems like it shouldn't but it does. i wanted those 3 minutes in the parking lot with my hands raised to the setting sun to just freeze and stay there forever.
it's strange how things turn out like this. when i was little all i could was think about what i could do when i was older.
i was willing to give up that happy meal toy so i could try the big mac
i was willing to learn to tie my shoes so i could run faster
i was willing to take the training wheels of my bike so i could move farther
i dragged my parents to the permit center && bugged them to take me driving && complained && whined until they took me to take my drivers test
i feel like for the first decade plus of my life i've done so much wanting more and wanting new and wanting bigger and "better" that i didn't stop. and i know i find myself huddled in a little corner about to be forcibly thrown into my senior year where I will actually have to think about growing up, and writing college applications, and how i want to spend my last year of childhood.
it's scary
it's scary to know that i'm about to do this
and it's scarier to know i'm about to do it alone
and so that's what scares me most of all.
having to grow up and having to do it all by myself
i have no idea what i want to be when i grow up
i have no idea what i want to do with my life
and i need to figure that out soon
i have one college in mind that i've fallen in love with
sure i've fallen in love with a few, but i need to start looking at other options
this is scary
and i'm all by myself