(no subject)
This will be long, full of complaints, and a waste of time to read. So I strongly urge you to not waste your time.
As most of you have probably seen, my myspace is deleted. My screen name is not on anymore, but i will check it on occasion to get intouch with certain people. And I have not answered my phone for anyone. I apologize, it's not any of you personally, it's just that my life has failed completely at picking itself up. I am done wasting time trying to see the good in people that have never prevailed. I mean, that is all I have ever tried to do, was see the good in people. I know I am the worst example applicable to a "good friend" or a "good person". I know I say, and do horrible things to people. I can't help it anymore. It has gotten to the point where sometimes I have to wonder if I am some sadistic morbid human being. I don't want to be the way I am, but I have reached my breaking point. I am trying to be as positive about these things as possible. There's only so much optimism a person can posses before it is all just negative negative negative. I am so pessimistic, sometimes too much for my own good. I am tired of hearing, "You're young, wait it out. This is all just a part of life." I don't believe this anymore, I know it is all probably teen angst, I have just heard enough about waiting it out. I have become an atheistic procrastinator who has lost all hope for humanity due to events that have happened in the past. There is just some fundamental piece of my life that does not work, and I am way too exhausted to make it."LIFE WITH OUT FRIENDS IS NO LIFE AT ALL" R.V.N. 1465. I have continuously been pushing friends out of my life. I have no contact with anyone anymore. I can come to terms with the quote, I am vapid. I have nothing to fall back on but my own derogatory thoughts and remarks. I am just waiting for a better day, but in the midst of all this, I have been losing sight of the things that are important. I have had a few true friends in my life, genuine people who have not taken part in belittling me. And they have realized that I am nothing worthy of sticking around for. Not one person in my life as of now hasn't betrayed me in some subtle form. I just want to wake up and feel as if I have some impact on peoples lives. One quality I do carry whole-heartidly is forgiveness. I have forgiven most who have wronged me, but what I notice is the more I forgive, the more I am taken advantage of. Enough of me running around in circles with my feelings, I have basically been leading into a short comment I am making towards all of you. For those of you who have been there, thank you, you do have a voice in my life and it is always taken into consideration. To those of you who have wronged me, and not given me any opportunity to seek out some minuscule form of redemption and reveal to you the side of me very few people will ever know, the better part of me, I am sorry for you. I feel like there is alot I can bring to another person. I am sorry you are close minded, and refuse to open up your hearts to me. I don't blame you. I know alot of you are thinking, "How the fuck do you expect anything to get better if you push everyone out of your life?" for me, my sanctuary has always been solitude. I like to think, I can teach myself alot through isolation, and for the most part, that is what my life has been, isolated.
Someone else has said it better:
"In faith, I do not love thee with mine eyes,
For they in thee a thousand errors note;
But 'tis my heart that loves what they despise,
Who, in despite of view, is pleased to dote;
Nor are mine ears with they tongue's tune delighted;
Nor tender feeling to base touches prone,
Nor taste, nor smell, desire to be invited
To any sensual feast with thee alone:
But my five wits nor my five senses can
Dissuade one foolish heart from serving thee,
Who leaves unsway'd the likeness of a man,
Thy proud heart's slave and vassal wretch to be:
Only my plague thus far I count my gain,
That they make me sin awards me pain."
- Shakespeare, Sonnet 141.
As most of you have probably seen, my myspace is deleted. My screen name is not on anymore, but i will check it on occasion to get intouch with certain people. And I have not answered my phone for anyone. I apologize, it's not any of you personally, it's just that my life has failed completely at picking itself up. I am done wasting time trying to see the good in people that have never prevailed. I mean, that is all I have ever tried to do, was see the good in people. I know I am the worst example applicable to a "good friend" or a "good person". I know I say, and do horrible things to people. I can't help it anymore. It has gotten to the point where sometimes I have to wonder if I am some sadistic morbid human being. I don't want to be the way I am, but I have reached my breaking point. I am trying to be as positive about these things as possible. There's only so much optimism a person can posses before it is all just negative negative negative. I am so pessimistic, sometimes too much for my own good. I am tired of hearing, "You're young, wait it out. This is all just a part of life." I don't believe this anymore, I know it is all probably teen angst, I have just heard enough about waiting it out. I have become an atheistic procrastinator who has lost all hope for humanity due to events that have happened in the past. There is just some fundamental piece of my life that does not work, and I am way too exhausted to make it."LIFE WITH OUT FRIENDS IS NO LIFE AT ALL" R.V.N. 1465. I have continuously been pushing friends out of my life. I have no contact with anyone anymore. I can come to terms with the quote, I am vapid. I have nothing to fall back on but my own derogatory thoughts and remarks. I am just waiting for a better day, but in the midst of all this, I have been losing sight of the things that are important. I have had a few true friends in my life, genuine people who have not taken part in belittling me. And they have realized that I am nothing worthy of sticking around for. Not one person in my life as of now hasn't betrayed me in some subtle form. I just want to wake up and feel as if I have some impact on peoples lives. One quality I do carry whole-heartidly is forgiveness. I have forgiven most who have wronged me, but what I notice is the more I forgive, the more I am taken advantage of. Enough of me running around in circles with my feelings, I have basically been leading into a short comment I am making towards all of you. For those of you who have been there, thank you, you do have a voice in my life and it is always taken into consideration. To those of you who have wronged me, and not given me any opportunity to seek out some minuscule form of redemption and reveal to you the side of me very few people will ever know, the better part of me, I am sorry for you. I feel like there is alot I can bring to another person. I am sorry you are close minded, and refuse to open up your hearts to me. I don't blame you. I know alot of you are thinking, "How the fuck do you expect anything to get better if you push everyone out of your life?" for me, my sanctuary has always been solitude. I like to think, I can teach myself alot through isolation, and for the most part, that is what my life has been, isolated.
Someone else has said it better:
"In faith, I do not love thee with mine eyes,
For they in thee a thousand errors note;
But 'tis my heart that loves what they despise,
Who, in despite of view, is pleased to dote;
Nor are mine ears with they tongue's tune delighted;
Nor tender feeling to base touches prone,
Nor taste, nor smell, desire to be invited
To any sensual feast with thee alone:
But my five wits nor my five senses can
Dissuade one foolish heart from serving thee,
Who leaves unsway'd the likeness of a man,
Thy proud heart's slave and vassal wretch to be:
Only my plague thus far I count my gain,
That they make me sin awards me pain."
- Shakespeare, Sonnet 141.