mock script- for posterity
back in may i was the producer for a play...about a play. and in the play they read scenes from the play but in a play you don't really want to use real scripts from the not real play because it might cause the actors to not memorize their lines for theplay with in the play.
Still with me?
so as the producer, it was my job to produce these mock scripts. oh, i thought, I throw away pages of page of manuals every day. it would be really easy to put some on them together with staples and other high tech gear to look like mock scripts. turns out it went in another direction. one I have published below, so that i can store it on the internets for all time. or until someones server crashes or some junk.
enjoy. or don't. it's full of inside jokes.
Scene 1:
A theatre with an elongated thrust stage. The stage contains the beginnings of a set. The walls are multi-colored, pieced together from old sets and not yet painted one color. The furnishings are green, a color the producer never would have picked, but no one asked her anyway. The question remains, just how is one going to find paint and curtains to match that furniture. I mean, seriously people, who makes these decisions?!?!? But I digress.
The lights come up on the actors* just before a rehearsal.
*any resemblance to anyone anywhere is purely coincidental and meant all in good fun.
Joe: (an actor playing an actor playing an actor) Look at ME! I’m funny! I do stuff!
Ted: (the director, a decent guy and good looking too) Hush up Joe, or I’ll punch you in the bad arm.
Joe: Oh god, not again!
Ted: Right. Let’s get started, shall we? Do we have our prop scripts yet?
Jan: (the head of props, a dedicated theatre person who everyone listens to for fear their props will go missing just when they need them the most) Yes, I’ve got them right here. That producer woman who never shows up must have dropped them off for us. It’s about time.
Brian (a non-jewish guy who definitely doesn’t spell his name with a “y”) I’m sure she’s very busy. She said something on Facebook about working really hard on another show and being sorry about not being here.
Chris: (who always wears a sombrero) Um, not quite. I’m her facebook friend too and I’m pretty sure she said something about being really hungover while she was hanging lights.
Ted: Right. No one cares. Can we just pass out the “scripts” and getting going? We have scenes to run.
Joe: Excellent idea! Acting! I love it. Almost as much as I love tech night!
Ted: (excitedly) Who loves tech night?
All: (grudgingly) We do.
Meg: (the stage manager, another dedicated theatre person, and good friend of Jan) I thought you said she was going to make mock scripts from old manuals at work?
Jan: Well that’s odd. Oh look, a post it. I didn’t notice this on the folder earlier.
Charlie: (a young blonde woman, or brunette, or even a redhead. It’s hard to keep up.) Uh-oh. It’s a yellow post-it. That producer lady is crazy with the color coded post-its. At least it’s not pink. Pink ones are only one step away from angry red post its.
Georg: (a cast member who also serves on the board) Ok, I thought it was just me who thought she was completely off her rocker with the color coded post its.
Charlie: Oh it’s not just post its. The post its match the folders, and notebooks, and sometimes even the color of ink or highlighter she uses. She really should see somebody about it and get on some meds or something.
(The cast murmurs their agreement: “yeah” “wow, I didn’t know it was that bad.” “Whose bright idea was it to let such a whack job be our producer?” etc.)
Ted: Why? Why didn’t somebody warn me?
Jan: Calm down, everyone. I can’t read this post it with all of you talking at once!
Joe: (grabbing the post it) I’ll read it! I’ll do an interpretive dance while I read it. I’m that good!
Ted: I’ve lost all control. We’re never going to start rehearsal.
Joe: (gesturing and gyrating wildly as he read. He is clearly an actor, not a dancer) I decided to write up a mock script instead of using manual pages. The manual pages are printed double sided and have a bunch of pictures that the audience might see and then they’d never believe they were real scripts. Plus I think the information on the pages is probably property of the government, and I shouldn’t be letting just anyone read it. Not that it would make much sense out of content really. In fact I might just sneak a page into the fake scripts just to show you what I mean. The people who get pages with pictures will have to be more careful in front of the audience, but at least you’ll know what I’m talking about. I suppose you could just rip those pages out before the show starts, whatever works for you, I guess.
Chris: that’s a lot of writing on one Post it!
Brian: I know, right?
Joe: (out of breathe from “dancing”) She *gasp* wrote on *gasp* both sides. *wheeze* in tiny letters.
Jan: Oh no. (holding up a pink post it)
All: (truly horrified) OH NO!
Ted: Oh, get over it. You guys are worse drama queens than the high school kids.
Jan: (to Joe) Here you go.
Joe: uh…no. thanks. Let’s give someone else a chance.
Chris: (turning the page) What the hell?
Brian: She wasn’t kidding. That manual page make no sense. What does your page look like? Do you have pictures?
Ted: FOCUS, PEOPLE.
Winnie: Give me the post it. I survived a little sexual harassment during auditions, I’m sure I can handle one red post it. (reading) Don’t forget to get your bio information to me.
Everyone sighs with relief.
Winnie: (flipping the post it over) OR ELSE!
Everyone gasps in horror.
Morton: Hey, I know I’m new to this theatre thing, but if she was going to type up something new, why wouldn’t she just type up the actual scripts? Cuz then we’d have our lines right there if we forgot them. It would be really handy!
Ted. You know what would be handy?!?!? If we could start rehearsal.
Georg: It’s a director thing, Morton. Most directors don’t want you to rely on that. What if your prop gets switched with someone else’s and their scene is different? You’d be up the proverbial creek without a paddle. Directors prefer you have your lines memorized.
Ted: (really frustrated now) I’m pretty sure that directors prefer that we START REHEARSAL!
The scene ends and the rehearsal begins.