a thin layer of spew
when i moved back in with good ol' dad a few years ago, i packed up a bunch of stuff and stuck it away in storage. now that i'm reestablishing my own home space, that stuff has come back out of its hidey hole.
and its filthy.
i know the roomie was an unclean kind of person. i know that i got rid/let him take many things simply because i didn't want to deal with it. i know that i didn't replace things for the last six months because anything new i bought almost immediately got ruined and i was tired of being the only one who knew how to buy a wooden spoon or a pair of tongs. especially when i didn't break them. he brought new meaning to the phrase "we can't have nice things." hell, we couldn't have moderately ok things.
for some reason i beleived rene when she told me that when i graduated it be like when she had graduated and i'd have a good enough job to afford buying new stuff anyway. yeah well, my degree came with student loan debt, and hers came with a husband who had a good paying job.
I'm torn. I had stuff that i gave away. i even threw away some of it. I gave a set of dishes to the neighbors. ( the ungrateful bastards then tried to steal my table too. fuckers.) i could use some of that stuff now. crap.
I kept stuff. stuff that I'm grossed out by when i touch it. stuff that I have been painstakingly cleaning because if I kept it, it's because i really liked it and wanted it for some good reason. (except my teapot. i kept that away from boy hands. i take my tea very seriously.) i hate washing him off of MY things. crap.
I hate that i actually let myself beleive Rene. crap. i so know better. but part of me really likes buying new stuff and i knew that's what that decision really meant. more stuff that i picked out for myself and less stuff that i had collected from others over the years. more me and less bits of other people.
I am ready for more me.
and its filthy.
i know the roomie was an unclean kind of person. i know that i got rid/let him take many things simply because i didn't want to deal with it. i know that i didn't replace things for the last six months because anything new i bought almost immediately got ruined and i was tired of being the only one who knew how to buy a wooden spoon or a pair of tongs. especially when i didn't break them. he brought new meaning to the phrase "we can't have nice things." hell, we couldn't have moderately ok things.
for some reason i beleived rene when she told me that when i graduated it be like when she had graduated and i'd have a good enough job to afford buying new stuff anyway. yeah well, my degree came with student loan debt, and hers came with a husband who had a good paying job.
I'm torn. I had stuff that i gave away. i even threw away some of it. I gave a set of dishes to the neighbors. ( the ungrateful bastards then tried to steal my table too. fuckers.) i could use some of that stuff now. crap.
I kept stuff. stuff that I'm grossed out by when i touch it. stuff that I have been painstakingly cleaning because if I kept it, it's because i really liked it and wanted it for some good reason. (except my teapot. i kept that away from boy hands. i take my tea very seriously.) i hate washing him off of MY things. crap.
I hate that i actually let myself beleive Rene. crap. i so know better. but part of me really likes buying new stuff and i knew that's what that decision really meant. more stuff that i picked out for myself and less stuff that i had collected from others over the years. more me and less bits of other people.
I am ready for more me.