(no subject)
My confusing life and also my recent interactions with Jesse Kelly have inspired me to once again resort to the world of on-line journaling. I feel like I'm bogged down with the pressure of having to make too many important decisions too soon. And this feeling of having to make a decision--- is that really necessary? Do I really have to? I mean, aren't I in control of my life? Can't I decide when I'm ready to make a decision, instead of making one before I'm ready because of some invisible lines that tell me when to do something? What??
Am I lving my life for someone else? Does the fact that I question that indicate that infact it needs to be questioned? I think my humanities courses are reallly getting to me this semester. There will never be an answer; there will always be a need for more questioning.
I've always felt a little self-conscious about my feelings: should I feel this way? Why am I feeling this way? Is it stupid to feel this way? blah blah blah.
At least I can recognize that questioning my feelings so much isn't good. (I think.) SEE!!!! But how can I change it? How can I realize that I probably feel certain ways for a reason?
Not to complain, and not to get all personal, but a great example of how my emotions work (or don't) happened yesterday. I tend to bottle things up and suppress my unhappy feelings, but something small will come along and trigger a days worth of crying and self-pity. So yesterday, this happened, and I of course poured out all of my deepest fears and insecurites and professed my deep love to my boyfriend. He pretty much just recently began a new life- new job, friends, etccccccc. So, naturally, we've been drifting apart. We've both briefly acknowledged this fact to each other but haven't really discussed it- there are many complicated parts to it blah blha. Anyway, I decided yesterday was the perfect time to talk about it, as he was out with new friends for the day and I had hardly seen him at all the past 3 or four days. oh this is choppy. Anyway, I told him how i feel and of course- the main point of the story-- now I feel stupid. Now I feel like I overreacted. A small part of me is relieved that I finally got it off of my chest. But i just feel needy, and that I scared him away. I was really seeking reassurance from him, because I haven't really felt that he's given me any recently. Does he still love me? blah blah I LVEO YOU SO MUCH OMG.
But should I regret breaking down like that? I don't thini I should, but I do.
Oh.
Oh love is so annoying. Sometimes i wish I couldn't love and then could focus on becoming something great.
So I used to be afraid to type my feelings on here but I don't really care any more. The only person who actually reads my posts is someone I feel won't judge me, and he always has good advice.
Am I lving my life for someone else? Does the fact that I question that indicate that infact it needs to be questioned? I think my humanities courses are reallly getting to me this semester. There will never be an answer; there will always be a need for more questioning.
I've always felt a little self-conscious about my feelings: should I feel this way? Why am I feeling this way? Is it stupid to feel this way? blah blah blah.
At least I can recognize that questioning my feelings so much isn't good. (I think.) SEE!!!! But how can I change it? How can I realize that I probably feel certain ways for a reason?
Not to complain, and not to get all personal, but a great example of how my emotions work (or don't) happened yesterday. I tend to bottle things up and suppress my unhappy feelings, but something small will come along and trigger a days worth of crying and self-pity. So yesterday, this happened, and I of course poured out all of my deepest fears and insecurites and professed my deep love to my boyfriend. He pretty much just recently began a new life- new job, friends, etccccccc. So, naturally, we've been drifting apart. We've both briefly acknowledged this fact to each other but haven't really discussed it- there are many complicated parts to it blah blha. Anyway, I decided yesterday was the perfect time to talk about it, as he was out with new friends for the day and I had hardly seen him at all the past 3 or four days. oh this is choppy. Anyway, I told him how i feel and of course- the main point of the story-- now I feel stupid. Now I feel like I overreacted. A small part of me is relieved that I finally got it off of my chest. But i just feel needy, and that I scared him away. I was really seeking reassurance from him, because I haven't really felt that he's given me any recently. Does he still love me? blah blah I LVEO YOU SO MUCH OMG.
But should I regret breaking down like that? I don't thini I should, but I do.
Oh.
Oh love is so annoying. Sometimes i wish I couldn't love and then could focus on becoming something great.
So I used to be afraid to type my feelings on here but I don't really care any more. The only person who actually reads my posts is someone I feel won't judge me, and he always has good advice.