Experimental Thing I Wrote In The Car On The Way To St. George
(Falstaff suddenly looks up) Here's the thing. Here's the thing that bugs the shit outta me. What you do is personal. It's too fuckin' personal.
(Graeme is eating, he doesn't look up) That's an extremely curious thing for someone like you to say.
Someone like me. Uh huh. And what do you think I am?
You know very well what you are. Stop making sounds. I will only ask you one time.
(Falstaff continues unhindered, looking up as if deep in thought) I see them all, they're all the same to me. They eat the same food. The same objects in their house. Their heads all pop just the same.
(Graeme doesn't look up, he continues eating) That's disgusting.
(Falstaff stares at Graeme in utter disbelief, then dismay, but Falstaff shakes it off and continues, looking away) I don't go into their heads, see. I go right through.
(Graeme doesn't look up, he continues eating) You think too much.
(Falstaff continues) You go too far. Way too fucking far. Unnescessarily far. The fact that you can, well, honestly I don't even like talking to you very much.
Then by all means, don't.
Ah, yeah. But not much else excites me, these days.
Are you trying to sexualize me again.
You jump straight to that, every time. Makes me think it's on your mind an awful lot.
Stop. Making. Sounds.
(Falstaff pretends to be hurt) How come you never say please?
That's begging.
That's manners.
(Graeme shoots an unimpressed look at Falstaff and continues eating)
(Falstaff looks out the window silently for a few moments, but being silent is the very last thing Falstaff is good at) Don't you ever wonder if there's a deeper meaning to all of this?
All of what?
Uh, the awful, nasty shit we do.
There is no deeper meaning. There is no meaning at all, to anything, ever.
Uh huh, and you're sure about that?
(Graeme looks up at Falstaff intensely) You have allowed your head to become idle. Your governing law has been totally corrupted. You have imagined some new, incorrect destination for yourself. One which bothers you less than the one intended for you. You call that place 'meaning'. You move towards it, or you tell yourself that you do.
(Falstaff is staring at Graeme in shock, since this is the most he has ever said at once)
(Graeme stares at Falstaff) You will move towards it endlessly.
Oh, my.
(Graeme watches a waitress pass by as if he thinks she is going to attack him) You never look behind you to see the only thing that does matter. Which is the thing that chases you. And it forever will.
(Graeme looks back to Falstaff) Until you stop.
(Falstaff stares at Graeme, mystified) Does it hurt to be that crazy?
(Graeme looks down and continues eating) No.
You are a source of endless amusement to me.
You're becoming more and more like a human.
Think so?
I do. Do you know what that makes you?
(Falstaff shrugs)
(Graeme looks up at him) Endangered. It makes you endangered.
(Falstaff laughs)
(Graeme continues eating) How long do you spend, imprisoned, when you get sent back?
(Falstaff shrugs) A month, maybe.
I spend no more than five hours.
(Falstaff shakes his/her head) How...?
You've asked me why I do the things I do.
Who the fuck wouldn't?
(Graeme shoots Falstaff a warning look) I recognized the pattern.
What pattern?
The worse you are, the less time you spend down there, caged up like an animal, and as good as one, as well. You are rewarded for being wrong, evil, bad, etc cetera, all those human terms for exactly the thing you are. The thing you're supposed to be, anyway. And so the more evil you are, the less time you spend down there. In a cold stark cell.
So you choose to do the awful things you do because you don't like spending a few days in a brick room?
I do not like to be controlled.
You would rather be an abomination?
I WILL NOT BE CONTROLLED.
Fuck, man, inside voices!
(Graeme goes back to eating)
But I never thought about that.
No, of course you didn't. You run around killing families and drinking their milk and sleeping in their beds. You don't think at all.
You just said I think too much...
You think about the wrong things.
So, maybe I should take a page outta your book and just start raping kids?
SAY THAT ALOUD JUST ONCE MORE AND SEE WHAT BECOMES OF YOU.
Why do you do that every time?
Why do I do what?
You ask me not to say it aloud but you never deny it.
You shouldn't be expecting me to deny that.
Uh huh.
You know reputation is more important than truth.
And you don't mind your reputation?
Why would it bother me?
(Falstaff stares at Graeme) I know you're supposed to be a piece of work, man, but you are a piece of fuckin' work.
(Graeme goes back to eating)
You're the one becoming more like a human.
That's a stupid thing to say.
You lie to yourself like a human would. Like you feel shame.
(Graeme ignores Falstaff)
You feel the difference between good and bad, don't you, honey?
Don't call me that.
I've got a really fantastic idea.
No, you don't.
Why don't we trade weapons?
For what purpose.
I want to see what it feels like to fire a gun.
Only if you agree to fire it directly into your head.
What's with all the hostility?
(Graeme gives Falstaff an unnerving look, Falstaff is a little taken aback)
(Falstaff stares down at his/her food) How are we going to pay for this?
We aren't.
Question.
Denied.
Do you ever obey the law?
What law.
The human law.
I am not human so I do not obey the human law. I am what I am so I obey my own law. Even you must be capable of understanding this.
Uh, okay. So what are you? Do you even know?
I'll tell you what I am. I'm EATING. Could you CEASE your CHATTERING and this is the VERY LAST TIME I WILL ASK YOU NICELY.
Well! That wasn't very nice at all.
(Graeme goes back to eating)
Aren't you concerned about blending in?
I blend in just fine.
Oh? What's your occupation in the human world?
I am a maintenance professional.
Uh, a janitor?
If you must call it that.
Uh huh. Where?
An elementary school.
(Falstaff chokes and laughs hysterically)
(Graeme bristles) Why is that humorous?
Do you need me to explain it to you?
(Graeme stares at him)
Can't you see the irony?
Irony is a human concept. I don't recognize human concepts. You know this.
Uh, alright, so. Here we have the embodiment of evil on the mortal plane, going around raping and killing kids, maybe not in that order-
THAT IS NOT WHAT I DO AT ALL.
That's what the newspapers say you do.
The newspapers are written by humans.
Okay, and?
They want to catch me as fast as possible. I make them look very bad. They want all the other humans to hate and fear me.
I have a revelation for you.
And what is that.
EVERYONE HATES AND FEARS YOU!
Raise your voice at me once more and see what becomes of you.
Oh, you're the only one who's allowed to yell?
I have a scattergun. You have an axe.
Oh, fucker. Have at it! Why don't you just kill me already?
It is impossible for us to kill each other.
And from what random ass corner of your rationally derelict mind did you pull that notion from?
I didn't make that up. That is the truth. You don't remember the rules, do you?
Oh, look who's talking about rules now. Fuck.
It may be different now. I haven't tried in a few centuries.
(Falstaff looks down at his/her plate) I'll let you have the first turn.
(Graeme looks up at Falstaff) Excuse me?
You can try to kill me now. You get the first turn.
Turn? Turn? I have a gun, you dolt. The first turn ends with your brains on the wall. I hate you so much.
Are you going to take your turn or not?
You're an idiot. Of course I am.
Wait! It's only fair if you have some kind of handicap! Hmmm... (Falstaff is facetiously tapping his/her chin and peering around)
(Graeme is seething, he knows Falstaff well enough to know he/she is about to toy with him) Don't do the thing you are about to do, whatever it is, because I already know that I will have to end you for it.
You have to kill me with this. (Falstaff pushes a french fry across the table towards Graeme using just one finger)
(Graeme looks up at Falstaff, even more angry now) What is that?
That's a french fry. You don't know what a french fry is? You do understand that every single human on this plane has probably eaten a french fry.
Is that a fact.
No wonder you kill kids. You're too fucking stupid to do much else, aren't you?
(Graeme's eyes flick up to Falstaff)
(Graeme is eating, he doesn't look up) That's an extremely curious thing for someone like you to say.
Someone like me. Uh huh. And what do you think I am?
You know very well what you are. Stop making sounds. I will only ask you one time.
(Falstaff continues unhindered, looking up as if deep in thought) I see them all, they're all the same to me. They eat the same food. The same objects in their house. Their heads all pop just the same.
(Graeme doesn't look up, he continues eating) That's disgusting.
(Falstaff stares at Graeme in utter disbelief, then dismay, but Falstaff shakes it off and continues, looking away) I don't go into their heads, see. I go right through.
(Graeme doesn't look up, he continues eating) You think too much.
(Falstaff continues) You go too far. Way too fucking far. Unnescessarily far. The fact that you can, well, honestly I don't even like talking to you very much.
Then by all means, don't.
Ah, yeah. But not much else excites me, these days.
Are you trying to sexualize me again.
You jump straight to that, every time. Makes me think it's on your mind an awful lot.
Stop. Making. Sounds.
(Falstaff pretends to be hurt) How come you never say please?
That's begging.
That's manners.
(Graeme shoots an unimpressed look at Falstaff and continues eating)
(Falstaff looks out the window silently for a few moments, but being silent is the very last thing Falstaff is good at) Don't you ever wonder if there's a deeper meaning to all of this?
All of what?
Uh, the awful, nasty shit we do.
There is no deeper meaning. There is no meaning at all, to anything, ever.
Uh huh, and you're sure about that?
(Graeme looks up at Falstaff intensely) You have allowed your head to become idle. Your governing law has been totally corrupted. You have imagined some new, incorrect destination for yourself. One which bothers you less than the one intended for you. You call that place 'meaning'. You move towards it, or you tell yourself that you do.
(Falstaff is staring at Graeme in shock, since this is the most he has ever said at once)
(Graeme stares at Falstaff) You will move towards it endlessly.
Oh, my.
(Graeme watches a waitress pass by as if he thinks she is going to attack him) You never look behind you to see the only thing that does matter. Which is the thing that chases you. And it forever will.
(Graeme looks back to Falstaff) Until you stop.
(Falstaff stares at Graeme, mystified) Does it hurt to be that crazy?
(Graeme looks down and continues eating) No.
You are a source of endless amusement to me.
You're becoming more and more like a human.
Think so?
I do. Do you know what that makes you?
(Falstaff shrugs)
(Graeme looks up at him) Endangered. It makes you endangered.
(Falstaff laughs)
(Graeme continues eating) How long do you spend, imprisoned, when you get sent back?
(Falstaff shrugs) A month, maybe.
I spend no more than five hours.
(Falstaff shakes his/her head) How...?
You've asked me why I do the things I do.
Who the fuck wouldn't?
(Graeme shoots Falstaff a warning look) I recognized the pattern.
What pattern?
The worse you are, the less time you spend down there, caged up like an animal, and as good as one, as well. You are rewarded for being wrong, evil, bad, etc cetera, all those human terms for exactly the thing you are. The thing you're supposed to be, anyway. And so the more evil you are, the less time you spend down there. In a cold stark cell.
So you choose to do the awful things you do because you don't like spending a few days in a brick room?
I do not like to be controlled.
You would rather be an abomination?
I WILL NOT BE CONTROLLED.
Fuck, man, inside voices!
(Graeme goes back to eating)
But I never thought about that.
No, of course you didn't. You run around killing families and drinking their milk and sleeping in their beds. You don't think at all.
You just said I think too much...
You think about the wrong things.
So, maybe I should take a page outta your book and just start raping kids?
SAY THAT ALOUD JUST ONCE MORE AND SEE WHAT BECOMES OF YOU.
Why do you do that every time?
Why do I do what?
You ask me not to say it aloud but you never deny it.
You shouldn't be expecting me to deny that.
Uh huh.
You know reputation is more important than truth.
And you don't mind your reputation?
Why would it bother me?
(Falstaff stares at Graeme) I know you're supposed to be a piece of work, man, but you are a piece of fuckin' work.
(Graeme goes back to eating)
You're the one becoming more like a human.
That's a stupid thing to say.
You lie to yourself like a human would. Like you feel shame.
(Graeme ignores Falstaff)
You feel the difference between good and bad, don't you, honey?
Don't call me that.
I've got a really fantastic idea.
No, you don't.
Why don't we trade weapons?
For what purpose.
I want to see what it feels like to fire a gun.
Only if you agree to fire it directly into your head.
What's with all the hostility?
(Graeme gives Falstaff an unnerving look, Falstaff is a little taken aback)
(Falstaff stares down at his/her food) How are we going to pay for this?
We aren't.
Question.
Denied.
Do you ever obey the law?
What law.
The human law.
I am not human so I do not obey the human law. I am what I am so I obey my own law. Even you must be capable of understanding this.
Uh, okay. So what are you? Do you even know?
I'll tell you what I am. I'm EATING. Could you CEASE your CHATTERING and this is the VERY LAST TIME I WILL ASK YOU NICELY.
Well! That wasn't very nice at all.
(Graeme goes back to eating)
Aren't you concerned about blending in?
I blend in just fine.
Oh? What's your occupation in the human world?
I am a maintenance professional.
Uh, a janitor?
If you must call it that.
Uh huh. Where?
An elementary school.
(Falstaff chokes and laughs hysterically)
(Graeme bristles) Why is that humorous?
Do you need me to explain it to you?
(Graeme stares at him)
Can't you see the irony?
Irony is a human concept. I don't recognize human concepts. You know this.
Uh, alright, so. Here we have the embodiment of evil on the mortal plane, going around raping and killing kids, maybe not in that order-
THAT IS NOT WHAT I DO AT ALL.
That's what the newspapers say you do.
The newspapers are written by humans.
Okay, and?
They want to catch me as fast as possible. I make them look very bad. They want all the other humans to hate and fear me.
I have a revelation for you.
And what is that.
EVERYONE HATES AND FEARS YOU!
Raise your voice at me once more and see what becomes of you.
Oh, you're the only one who's allowed to yell?
I have a scattergun. You have an axe.
Oh, fucker. Have at it! Why don't you just kill me already?
It is impossible for us to kill each other.
And from what random ass corner of your rationally derelict mind did you pull that notion from?
I didn't make that up. That is the truth. You don't remember the rules, do you?
Oh, look who's talking about rules now. Fuck.
It may be different now. I haven't tried in a few centuries.
(Falstaff looks down at his/her plate) I'll let you have the first turn.
(Graeme looks up at Falstaff) Excuse me?
You can try to kill me now. You get the first turn.
Turn? Turn? I have a gun, you dolt. The first turn ends with your brains on the wall. I hate you so much.
Are you going to take your turn or not?
You're an idiot. Of course I am.
Wait! It's only fair if you have some kind of handicap! Hmmm... (Falstaff is facetiously tapping his/her chin and peering around)
(Graeme is seething, he knows Falstaff well enough to know he/she is about to toy with him) Don't do the thing you are about to do, whatever it is, because I already know that I will have to end you for it.
You have to kill me with this. (Falstaff pushes a french fry across the table towards Graeme using just one finger)
(Graeme looks up at Falstaff, even more angry now) What is that?
That's a french fry. You don't know what a french fry is? You do understand that every single human on this plane has probably eaten a french fry.
Is that a fact.
No wonder you kill kids. You're too fucking stupid to do much else, aren't you?
(Graeme's eyes flick up to Falstaff)