Lost

[candyxohearts]

I am going insane.
Nothing is how it should be.

I barely wake up everyday.
If I could I would sleep forever.
I would never wake up and face the days.

I am so lonesome.
How can everything happen for a reason?
My plan is unraveled.
What's the point in having a plan anyways?

I'm going to pack up all my things.
I'm going to put it all in boxes.
Then everyday when I come home, I will be reminded that I am going to get out.

It will be my positive reinforcement.

I'm going to paint the walls.
I am so fucking sick of this pink.
I'm going to paint them white, or tan, or yellow.

I have to get a new job.
I have to make more money to get out.

I have to be at work in 15 minutes.
Fuck it all!

I have channeled into my forces of attraction.
I keep picking up on things that I don't want though.
It's very strange.
The deeper I reach in one direction, something tugs me from another,
Almost simultaneously.

I have to be doing something wrong.

I want to tell mom I should see someone.
I want to see someone.
But last time the lady told me my father was an alcoholic.
I wonder if he really is.

Some days I want to just drink away.
It would be so easy to get away with.

It's a shame you turned out to be a coward.
I really believed in you, and you let me down.