Thirty Kisses: Countdown
Title: Countdown
Author: candytenshi
Pairing: Uchiha Sasuke and Haruno Sakura
Theme: #29 - the sound of waves
Disclaimer: I don't any of the characters from Naruto. The whole series is by Masashi Kishimoto. :) Also, the songs used are copyright to their respective owners.
Note: AU. Aaaand. This is pretty long for just one theme. :P
Meh. I've posted this at ff.net before I posted it at 30 kisses only because I only recently just made a LiveJournal account. XD
“So then I took my turn.
Oh what a thing to have done…”
-
-
He tries, he tries every single day, his feet playing against the sand, feeling the freezing water slapping against his ankles. He tries desperately, his mind reeling in a whirlwind of clashing thoughts, feelings, regrets.... He tries again and again, playing a flashback of a memory that is now spinning away from him, spinning away from the world he lives in.
He tries for her.
He looks at his watch.
Time is running out.
She arouses visions from his past.
And she knows. She knows that she can’t help him. He stands in front of the vast sea but she can’t stand beside him. He thinks of her but she can’t think of him. He loves her but she can’t love him.
It’s all because of the line that was drawn between the two of them. The line is imaginary, but he can see it. He can feel it. The line reminds him that she is unreachable, and he can never do anything about it. Not even reach for the other side of the line, nor cross the line, nor erase the line.
Because that line was not drawn by him, by her or by any other person they know and don’t know.
It is a line drawn by God. By fate.
-
-
It is an end.
-
-
“And you know?
You know, I love you so.”
-
Countdown
By: Vanity-chan
Your skin, oh yeah, your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful…
…
“The countdown to the tragic love story has already begun. It sort of piled up quietly, little by little, just like the snow.”
...
-
-
Tick tock. Tick tock.
-
-
Ten…
-
She can’t remember how she ended up staring at his back everyday, but she likes doing it anyway.
She looks at his back and wonders what he’s thinking. She watches his every move. When he leans his chin against his knuckles, when he tilts his head to the side, when he carefully clasps his fingers together, her eyes follow every movement.
She is unaware of it, but she is charmed by him. For the first time, he turns around to look back at her and the corners of her lips twitch into a smile because she can’t help it.
“W-What?” She is stuttering in front of him and she doesn’t even notice it. So she drops the smile and watches warily, almost scared and anxious of what he is about to say. She then realizes that she is in no position to ask; he should be the one asking her what she is doing.
To her surprise, he smiles back and wordlessly slips a paper into her hand. He shrugs carelessly and turns his back on her again, doing his trademark pose with his hands clasped against his lips, maybe to hide a smirk since she amuses him so much.
For a moment, she stares, blinking her eyes and thinking of what just happened. Then she opens the folds of the paper and the smile can’t be erased from her face.
She stares at his neat handwriting, blinking her eyes as she does so.
Be my friend? ^_^
-
-
At five years old, she has already found her crush.
-
-
Nine…
-
She asks herself why she is always bullied by her classmates. Is it because of her distinctive pink hair? Her big, innocent green eyes? Her wide forehead? Her childish face?
Is she really that unattractive? Is that the reason why they hate her so much?
She ignores the pain-the sting caused by their hands and feet slapping against her body, their fingers digging harshly into her skin as they try to hold her still, the rough ground rubbing against her legs… She ignores them all, but she can’t ignore their harsh words.
Those painful words are nothing compared to the physical pain; she can’t endure the heartache caused by those unfeeling words. Those ruthless, merciless, cold-blooded words that pierce her heart again and again.
This is not going to come to an end as long as she is living.
Do they hate her this much?
“Stop it.”
She is surprised because she is not expecting a voice, his voice to speak those words, to help her. She listens to his voice, ragged and labored, as if his throat is parched.
“You shouldn’t do that. I don’t want you to do that to her.”
She can’t understand it. Can’t even describe it, but for some reason, she feels like she should know it all well.
The pain stops; they back away and she puts a hand against her chest, inhaling as much air she could, deeply and urgently, as if breathing air for the first time.
“S-Sasuke… kun.” She whispers, looking at his black eyes, watching as something, some kind of emotion, flicker and fade in those deep onyx eyes. She looks at them, choking out sobs that she is holding in, blinking at those pitiless faces, those eyes that scorn and hate her so much.
They do hate her so much. Too much.
Why?
“But Sasuke-kun, she’s taking you away from us.” She is quiet and he snarls at the rude girls who are trying to stain her innocence with vulgar words.
They are calling her a bad girl.
Is she bad?
“No.” He answers her unspoken question, his eyes red from fury.
And she believes him. Because no matter what happens, he always tells the truth. He always stands by her side. He is the one who knows her best. He is her friend.
Unlike these uncivilized strangers who keep on condemning her.
So they go away, because they also know that this boy will protect her from anything and everything. They can’t accept this fact, but since it is a fact, is there anything they can do?
None. No matter how much they hate her, there is nothing they can do.
But, why do they hate her so?
“Are you okay?” He cradles her in his arms, wipes the sweat on her wide (that oh so ugly imperfection, she often says) forehead and runs his fingers through her pink (that shameful, hateful and horrible color, she often says) hair.
She nods. “Don’t look at me. I look awful right now…” She whispers, ashamed of her cuts and bruises.
And even though she calls her forehead wide and her hair horrible, he shakes his head and smiles at her, mesmerized by her childish face and her big green eyes and her pink hair and her wide forehead.
Because he believes that she is…
“Beautiful.”
…And that’s why they hate her.
-
-
At seven years old, she has already experienced harassment.
-
-
-
Eight…
-
“Look at the stars, look how they shine for you,
And everything you do.”
-
She still looks at him with the same smile.
He is different now, hardly speaking, hardly smiling, and hardly feeling. His once warm black eyes are now cold and bitter and his once smiling face is now hard and expressionless. He rarely touches her hand. He rarely looks her in the eyes.
But she still smiles at him.
Because she knows. She knows better than everyone else.
She knows about his sadness and his regret. She knows that he misses his family, even though his expression says otherwise. She knows that he hates hating his brother for leaving him alone even though he says otherwise.
She’s the only one who knows.
And she is aware of that too.
That’s why she doesn’t leave him; she’s always there. She is the only one left who still cares for him, because he never lets anyone come too close. He doesn’t trust anyone. Anyone but her.
“Sasuke-kun, next week is the start of summer vacation. Aren’t you excited?”
So she has changed herself and smiles for him. She smiles to engulf him in peace and happiness, since he deprives himself of those. That’s the only thing she can do.
“Hn. You’re too excited.” He answers her like he doesn’t care, but she knows he does. They walk home side by side, with her smiling and him scowling like there’s no tomorrow.
This is the moment that she loves the most. School ends and he walks her home, even though his house is in the opposite direction of hers. These little actions remind her that she still holds a spot in his heart.
“I am not. You’re just too gloomy, that’s wh-“ She trips on a pebble like she always does. He grabs her hand at once and encircles an arm around her thin waist, all done with utmost care, as if touching a precious doll, fragile and weak.
Whenever her clumsiness ensues, he is always there to catch her fall.
But will he catch her if he finds out that she has fallen real hard?
Fallen in--
“Stupid, look at where you’re walking. You’re so clumsy.”
--love.
Sheepishly, she smiles at him. Because she knows that there is a deeper meaning that comes along with his words, no matter how straightforward and blunt they sound.
No, she can’t fall. She shouldn’t fall.
“Sorry.”
And when the walk ends, along with the setting sun and the appearance of the first star of the evening… when he stops in front of her house and watches her open the gate, she is happy. Happy to have had spent a day with him. Happy to spend another day with him tomorrow.
That’s why she never says goodbye.
“See you tomorrow, Sasuke-kun.”
She’s afraid of--
“Hn.” He waits for her to enter the house before he walks back the same path.
--goodbyes. Very much.
-
-
At twelve years old, she has already fallen in love.
-
-
-
Seven…
-
“I would lie here in the darkness, I would lie here for all time…”
She sings her heart out, knowing that he is beside her, listening to her and even though he does not say it out loud, he enjoys hearing her sing. He enjoys sitting beside her on the sand and listening to her sweet voice accompanied by the soothing waves.
Yes, she knows this too. She knows him well. Too well.
It is normal. It is a fact.
Sasuke and Sakura. Sakura and Sasuke.
One can’t say her name without his, just as his name can’t be said without hers. In the same way, the two of them are inseparable.
She helps him, gives him her-
“I would lie here watching over you, comforting you… Sing to you…”
--love. Something only she can do. Only she can give. No one else.
She only hopes it’s not too late to save him-his soul from being swallowed by his hatred and loneliness. She only hopes love is…
She moves from her cross-legged position on the sand and kneels, looking at him with a grin. “So, how did I do today?”
…enough to save him.
He smirks and stares at the stirring waves, his palms behind him supporting his weight. “Don’t try to be cute; those days are long behind you.”
Is it enough?
She falters at that, falling back on the sand, surprised by his reaction. It had been a long time - too long, since the last time his face was graced with a smile. Too long since the last time he lets out a witty remark.
This is the Sasuke that she loves.
She recovers, pouting at him. “And here I was, thinking I get better looking everyday.”
Maybe this is the hope she had been praying for.
“Hey, Sasuke-kun…”
Is this the right time? Will it be okay? Is he going to accept her? Her feelings?
“Hn.”
And can he return them?
Too many questions without certain answers. Too much confusion about this feeling.
“I…”
It’s all complicated. But if she believes all this, she will keep falling deeper and deeper. Getting lost in this feeling would make her lose sight of reality…
“…I want to go home already.”
…
…
…and she doesn’t like that feeling.
-
-
At fourteen years old, she got her heart broken.
-
-
-
Six…
-
He is surprised. Well, surprised would be an understatement, since he just couldn’t believe it. He is shocked. Stupefied. Bewildered. Flabbergasted.
No matter how many words he uses to describe whatever he is feeling, they all lead to the same thing: he can’t believe it.
How the hell can someone endure being beside him? To walk to school, eat, sit, and damn, even just to breathe with him? People are supposed to mock him with their eyes. To scorn him with their words. To hate him for being such an emotional kid, for holding a grudge against them because they weren’t able to help him when he needed it the most.
And look, she’s still there beside him, smiling at him and talking to him as if nothing bad happened.
She confuses him sometimes-always. He can’t figure her out no matter what he does.
He stares at her with furrowed eyebrows, curious as to why she is inside his house (his empty, lonely and abandoned house) and is smiling, just like before when everything was still okay.
He wishes his parents hadn’t died. He wishes badly to go back in time.
“What? Did I do something wrong?” He watches. Watches as she hesitates, taking a step back. He instinctively steps towards her, still unable to say anything.
Yes.
“No.”
It’s just… Nobody’s looked at me the way you just did.
Why? WHY?
It’s so wrong.
“It’s nothing.”
…
…
But really, it’s everything.
-
-
-
Five…
-
“I drew a line, I drew a line for you.
Oh, what a thing to do.”
-
“You can become a singer.”
She looks abruptly at him with her big innocent eyes and the smile that never left her face.
Nearer. She leans nearer to him. “Wha-What did you say?”
Too close. Leaning too close. Sitting real close, her bare arm pressed against his, the side of her leg sliding against his. He can feel her warmth seeping through her clothes and then towards him, making him feel an uncomfortable heat in the nape of his neck.
But, she’s drunk.
None of these feelings he was having are supposed to be real.
“Do you want to be one?” He continues, purposely looking at anything but her, not catching the look of surprise that shortly appeared on her face.
Just a breath away, as if she wants him to kiss her.
His eyes wander, trying to look away from the truth. He looks for an excuse but finds none. She always affects him this way. Always makes his heart beat erratically and his breathing labored.
Intoxicated.
“Weeeeell,” She drags on the word with a roll of her tongue.
He can’t look away. At all.
“Yes, but I'd rather have…”
She hesitates. He feels like she should’ve held it all back.
“…you.”
He does something that surprises the both of them.
He pulls her tightly against him, presses his lips on hers in a merciless kiss. Maybe after knowing the feeling of her lips against his, he can already get rid of the strange warm feeling in the pits of his stomach and the loud thumping of his heart. He can already make her understand that she’s not supposed to want him.
The moment his lips touched her soft ones though, realization hit him hard on the face.
He’s so wrong.
The heat licking at his every ounce of energy within him is driving him into madness. He tightens his arms around her frail form, expecting her to shove him or slap him in the face for his reckless action, but none of it came in the way.
He continues to plunge in, all thoughts dying away from his mind as his mouth mercilessly tackled hers. He had now taken the kiss a step further, deepening it with such wanting that it bloomed a quaver of emotions in his heart.
Slowly, he gives in to his overpowering emotions and thoughts.
She drives him crazy.
He feels her lips part and begin plummeting even further, and he groans deep in his throat.
This time, the realization hit him again, even harder than before.
Her fingers playing with his hair, her body pressing harder against him, and her lips returning his kiss with equal intensity…
All these actions cause him to tremble incessantly and he is brought back into reality.
The kiss is wrong.
It was supposed to get rid of the feelings taking control of his mind and his body. But the kiss that he gave just to make her regret everything starts to get the better of him.
He couldn’t let it happen.
She’s drunk.
Pain. There will be much more pain.
Eyes flying open, he pulls back abruptly and breaks the kiss…
…drawing a line between the two of them.
“I’ll… write songs for you to sing. You’re going to be a singer.”
She giggles. “Okay.”
He doesn’t love her.
It can’t be.
…
…
At least that’s what he tries to tell himself.
-
-
-
Four…
-
“It’s true…
Look how they shine for you.”
-
He hates seeing her tears.
He hates hearing her cry.
Because he also gets sad.
And angry.
It doesn’t suit her. Not at all. She is beautiful and cheery and smiling. In a world where everything is overwhelmed with darkness, she stands out like a light bulb, very bright. He can almost see the halo over her head and the immaculate, white wings sprouting from her back.
Her happiness affects those around her-her friends, her family, strangers…
Him.
He who is the one pulling her back, holding her in place and not setting her free. Keeping her captive. He taints her with his dark aura, almost like a devil.
And she’s the angel.
She’s like his sanctuary. He can’t afford to get her stained.
She rubs her eyes again and again with her hands that are already wet with her tears, desperately trying to stop the tears. Harder and harder, she cries.
It hurts him. Seeing her like that is like being stabbed in the chest hundreds (thousands, millions, billions, it doesn’t end) of times.
Even more painful for him when she is crying because of him.
“We’ve talked about this, Sakura.”
“No. I will not go away.” She holds his face in her hands and he finds himself paralyzed, hypnotized by her mesmerizing eyes.
NO. No, no, no.
Too pure.
“The worst thing you’ve ever done, the darkest thought you’ve ever had, I will stand by you through… anything.”
Can’t she understand? He’s tainted! Scarred for life.
“And why would you do that?”
He knows why. Damn, he knows, knew from the start, very well why. It’s just that he can’t… shouldn’t believe it.
He’s just afraid of her answer…
Which is the same as his and will only complicate things.
Will ruin their friendship.
Will ruin her.
He doesn't want to hear it after all.
“No, I take it back. Don't answer that."
Is that all he can say? He can stop her from crying. Wipe her tears with his own hands. Whisper comforting words. Pull her into his arms tightly and never ever let go. He can do all of those and never get tired.
So why won’t he do it?
She surprises him again with the intensity of emotions in her eyes brimming with tears.
“Because…”
He never knew that her answer will change their lives forever.
“Because I... love you.”
It’s surprising how unsurprising a revelation it is.
He can only watch her tears fall aimlessly down her blushing cheeks. And before he stops himself from speaking… Before he gets himself to walk away and say nothing…
“Well, that’s too bad.”
He turns his back on her and walks away.
Because he doesn’t want to taint her purity. He doesn’t deserve her.
He’d rather hurt himself than hurt her.
-
-
-
Three…
-
They say she’s leaving.
The seat beside him is empty. The chair stood there beside him.
Instead of her.
He never knew an empty seat can stir such emotions in his heart. Seeing that solitary wooden object beside him makes him feel the familiar flutter in his stomach again.
Only this time, he feels really bad.
Scared.
His classmates make things worse. They keep on talking about her. Saying they are going to miss her. Saying how sad they are about her leaving.
Miss her? Sad?
Well, they don’t know what he’s going through now.
NO.
That’s not true.
“Sasuke,” Naruto sits in front of him and he frowns. Angry. He’s angry. He’s mad, annoyed, furious, outraged… He’s going insane.
The blonde tries to explain the situation as briefly as he can. But he can’t hear anything. It’s ridiculous, trying to understand such a horrible thing.
Has she left him alone?
Has he been left alone again?
WHY?
“Listen, you have to decide what you want to do, teme.” Naruto pulls him roughly by his collar, forcing him to stand from his seat.
This idiot does not understand.
How can he understand?
So, why, Sakura?
“Tomorrow, Sakura leaves and if she does, there’s a big chance that she’ll try to forget about you.”
He stays silent, ignoring the pain when Naruto’s fist has connected with his jaw. It does not hurt as much as the pain in his constricting heart.
…
…
A heart. He has one, in the end.
-
-
-
Two…
-
“You know, I love you so…”
-
So he runs out of the school, runs past faces of people he doesn’t really know. He hurries down the road, not minding the freezing air and the crunching snow beneath his feet. He has to go and talk to her.
What do they mean she’s leaving?
She can’t.
He stops in front of her house, trying to catch his breath. He has seen her house millions of times, but he has never been in it. In fact, there’s a possibility that her parents do not know him. But he doesn’t care. He’ll stop her if he has to. Take her away if he has to. As long as she is with him.
Because he can’t live without her.
She promised to stay by his side no matter what.
Ah, yes. He rejected-
As if on cue, she comes out of the front door, as if she knows that he has been standing there, waiting for her to come out. Waiting for her to come back to him.
-her. It’s his fault.
“Sasuke-kun.” She whispers his name with such longing in her eyes for a moment. Right then, she looks like she’s about to cry again. It’s so much easier to let loose her tears if he offers her hope.
“Don’t go.”
Two words. Short and blunt. They mean a lot of things. It can be a trap, a revelation, or a plea.
Which it is in actuality. It’s a trap, a revelation and a plea. It’s a trap for her not to leave, a revelation of his feelings and a plea for her to stay with him just like she said.
His purpose is clear.
But…
“How did you know?” She asks, intentionally avoiding the topic. Because she knows that the moment they start talking about everything, she will be crying again.
“Sakura, why are you leaving?”
The distance between them is long. Literally and figuratively. Too long a distance for him to try and look in her eyes to see what she is thinking.
He takes a step towards her.
“Answer me, Saku-“
“I want to be a singer, Sasuke-kun. I’m doing this for myself, I’m not avoiding you.”
“…”
She looks at him for what seems like an eternity and then asks him a question.
“Will you say with all honesty that you’re doing this because you love me?”
He freezes in his spot…
Stares.
Yes.
YES, yes, yes!
Say it, c’mon. Just say it. Those three words.
I love you.
See? You can say it in your thoughts.
So much. Too much.
So, why not say it?
It can stop her from leaving, but--
“…”
He stares at his snow covered shoes, her words echoing in his mind.
--it would be selfish of him to make her stay.
Yes or no?
…
…
“No.”
It’s better this way.
He’ll let her go if that’s what it takes to get her back.
“There’s your answer.” She smiles at him sadly and walks past him, away from him because she knows that her feelings for him would overflow once she sees the disappointed look on his face.
He is about to turn around to look at her when she starts speaking, her voice trembling because of the cries she is holding back.
“S-Someday… when I’m m-much older… when things li-like... pride and vanity are gone… when I’m e-even tired of… singing…”
She turns around to look at his back. “Will you… will you be able to tell me that you love me too, Sasuke-kun?”
Please say yes.
…
Because by then, I’ll still be in love with you.
“…”
His eyes betray him, for they are filled with tears.
Will he?
Yes?
Yes…
Or no?
No?
Silence.
“…”
And then…
“…Yes.”
-
-
Looks like she won’t stay after all…
-
-
-
ONE…
-
“…Yes.”
Again and again, it echoes in her head. It doesn’t seem like yesterday. It feels as if it happened just a second ago.
This is real.
His answer makes her happy. She smiles, knowing she has done a good job.
For the last ten years, she has been holding on to that little hope he has, that little hope that will change him back to what he used to be. He can be saved.
What seemed to be a dream is now becoming real.
RING, RING.
“Hello, mom?”
“Sakura, where are you?”
Blink.
“I’m going to Sasuke-kun’s house. Just going to drop by and leave a gift at his doorstep.”
“But his house is in the other side of town! Saku-“
She frowns, just about to cross the street.
“Mom, I’ll be back before you know it. Please, just one last time. At least let me give him my gift for Christmas.”
A pause.
“Alright. Be sure to be back at once, okay?”
“Thanks, mo-“
A man knocks into her hand…
“Oh, sorry, miss.”
“Sakura? Sakura, dear?”
…which was holding the gift-wrapped box.
It tumbles onto the middle of the street.
…
…
-
-
-
Time’s up…
“Look at the stars, look how they shine for you.
And all the things you do.”
-
-
He tries, he tries every single day, his feet playing against the sand, feeling the freezing water slapping against his ankles. He tries desperately, his mind reeling in a whirlwind of clashing thoughts, feelings, regrets.... He tries again and again, playing a flashback of a memory that is now spinning away from him, spinning away from the world he lives in.
He tries for her.
He looks at his watch. The watch she gave him.
Time is running out.
He has been looking for a place to die.
It’s the sea that she loves… loved the most. It arouses visions from his past. He thinks of her and he sees a world full of colors, a world where he has the power to stop time, a world where he can wish for his own happiness…
But instead, he wishes for hers.
A wish that can never be.
It never came true.
It’s all because of the line that was drawn between the two of them. The line is imaginary, but he can see it. He can feel it. The line reminds him that she is unreachable, and he can never do anything about it. Not even reach for the other side of the line, nor cross the line, nor erase the line.
Because that line was not drawn by him, by her or by any other person they know and don’t know.
It is a line drawn by God. By fate.
It is an end.
…
…
-
-
“I came along, I wrote a song for you.
And all the things you do…”
-
-
A song for her. He finished the song for her.
A tragic song.
-
-
“So then I took my turn.
Oh what a thing to have done.”
-
-
He has been looking for a place to die, so why?
“What in the world am I still doing here?”
-
-
“Your skin, oh yeah, your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful.”
-
-
Why? WHY?
Why?
Why?!
Why did she have to die?
-
-
What in the world am I still doing here?!
He answers his own question.
-
-
“You know, Sakura…”
-
-
“…when I’m embraced by the sea breeze…”
-
-
“I swam across, I jumped across for you.
Oh, all the things you do.
‘Cause you were all yellow.”
-
-
“…The sound of the waves has such a sweet allure…”
For the first time ever since she left, since she died, he cries.
-
-
“Your skin, oh yeah your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful.”
-
-
“…But… I cannot throw away…”
-
-
“And you know, for you I’d bleed myself dry.
For you, I’d bleed myself dry.”
-
-
“…This life that you saved.”
…
…
…
Because for him who didn’t choose love, the only thing he can do for love is to release the lock around his neck. Through that, the pain may vanish.
-
-
“And you know?
You know, I love you so.
You know, I love you so…”
-
-
-
Author: candytenshi
Pairing: Uchiha Sasuke and Haruno Sakura
Theme: #29 - the sound of waves
Disclaimer: I don't any of the characters from Naruto. The whole series is by Masashi Kishimoto. :) Also, the songs used are copyright to their respective owners.
Note: AU. Aaaand. This is pretty long for just one theme. :P
Meh. I've posted this at ff.net before I posted it at 30 kisses only because I only recently just made a LiveJournal account. XD
“So then I took my turn.
Oh what a thing to have done…”
-
-
He tries, he tries every single day, his feet playing against the sand, feeling the freezing water slapping against his ankles. He tries desperately, his mind reeling in a whirlwind of clashing thoughts, feelings, regrets.... He tries again and again, playing a flashback of a memory that is now spinning away from him, spinning away from the world he lives in.
He tries for her.
He looks at his watch.
Time is running out.
She arouses visions from his past.
And she knows. She knows that she can’t help him. He stands in front of the vast sea but she can’t stand beside him. He thinks of her but she can’t think of him. He loves her but she can’t love him.
It’s all because of the line that was drawn between the two of them. The line is imaginary, but he can see it. He can feel it. The line reminds him that she is unreachable, and he can never do anything about it. Not even reach for the other side of the line, nor cross the line, nor erase the line.
Because that line was not drawn by him, by her or by any other person they know and don’t know.
It is a line drawn by God. By fate.
-
-
It is an end.
-
-
“And you know?
You know, I love you so.”
-
Countdown
By: Vanity-chan
Your skin, oh yeah, your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful…
…
“The countdown to the tragic love story has already begun. It sort of piled up quietly, little by little, just like the snow.”
...
-
-
Tick tock. Tick tock.
-
-
Ten…
-
She can’t remember how she ended up staring at his back everyday, but she likes doing it anyway.
She looks at his back and wonders what he’s thinking. She watches his every move. When he leans his chin against his knuckles, when he tilts his head to the side, when he carefully clasps his fingers together, her eyes follow every movement.
She is unaware of it, but she is charmed by him. For the first time, he turns around to look back at her and the corners of her lips twitch into a smile because she can’t help it.
“W-What?” She is stuttering in front of him and she doesn’t even notice it. So she drops the smile and watches warily, almost scared and anxious of what he is about to say. She then realizes that she is in no position to ask; he should be the one asking her what she is doing.
To her surprise, he smiles back and wordlessly slips a paper into her hand. He shrugs carelessly and turns his back on her again, doing his trademark pose with his hands clasped against his lips, maybe to hide a smirk since she amuses him so much.
For a moment, she stares, blinking her eyes and thinking of what just happened. Then she opens the folds of the paper and the smile can’t be erased from her face.
She stares at his neat handwriting, blinking her eyes as she does so.
Be my friend? ^_^
-
-
At five years old, she has already found her crush.
-
-
Nine…
-
She asks herself why she is always bullied by her classmates. Is it because of her distinctive pink hair? Her big, innocent green eyes? Her wide forehead? Her childish face?
Is she really that unattractive? Is that the reason why they hate her so much?
She ignores the pain-the sting caused by their hands and feet slapping against her body, their fingers digging harshly into her skin as they try to hold her still, the rough ground rubbing against her legs… She ignores them all, but she can’t ignore their harsh words.
Those painful words are nothing compared to the physical pain; she can’t endure the heartache caused by those unfeeling words. Those ruthless, merciless, cold-blooded words that pierce her heart again and again.
This is not going to come to an end as long as she is living.
Do they hate her this much?
“Stop it.”
She is surprised because she is not expecting a voice, his voice to speak those words, to help her. She listens to his voice, ragged and labored, as if his throat is parched.
“You shouldn’t do that. I don’t want you to do that to her.”
She can’t understand it. Can’t even describe it, but for some reason, she feels like she should know it all well.
The pain stops; they back away and she puts a hand against her chest, inhaling as much air she could, deeply and urgently, as if breathing air for the first time.
“S-Sasuke… kun.” She whispers, looking at his black eyes, watching as something, some kind of emotion, flicker and fade in those deep onyx eyes. She looks at them, choking out sobs that she is holding in, blinking at those pitiless faces, those eyes that scorn and hate her so much.
They do hate her so much. Too much.
Why?
“But Sasuke-kun, she’s taking you away from us.” She is quiet and he snarls at the rude girls who are trying to stain her innocence with vulgar words.
They are calling her a bad girl.
Is she bad?
“No.” He answers her unspoken question, his eyes red from fury.
And she believes him. Because no matter what happens, he always tells the truth. He always stands by her side. He is the one who knows her best. He is her friend.
Unlike these uncivilized strangers who keep on condemning her.
So they go away, because they also know that this boy will protect her from anything and everything. They can’t accept this fact, but since it is a fact, is there anything they can do?
None. No matter how much they hate her, there is nothing they can do.
But, why do they hate her so?
“Are you okay?” He cradles her in his arms, wipes the sweat on her wide (that oh so ugly imperfection, she often says) forehead and runs his fingers through her pink (that shameful, hateful and horrible color, she often says) hair.
She nods. “Don’t look at me. I look awful right now…” She whispers, ashamed of her cuts and bruises.
And even though she calls her forehead wide and her hair horrible, he shakes his head and smiles at her, mesmerized by her childish face and her big green eyes and her pink hair and her wide forehead.
Because he believes that she is…
“Beautiful.”
…And that’s why they hate her.
-
-
At seven years old, she has already experienced harassment.
-
-
-
Eight…
-
“Look at the stars, look how they shine for you,
And everything you do.”
-
She still looks at him with the same smile.
He is different now, hardly speaking, hardly smiling, and hardly feeling. His once warm black eyes are now cold and bitter and his once smiling face is now hard and expressionless. He rarely touches her hand. He rarely looks her in the eyes.
But she still smiles at him.
Because she knows. She knows better than everyone else.
She knows about his sadness and his regret. She knows that he misses his family, even though his expression says otherwise. She knows that he hates hating his brother for leaving him alone even though he says otherwise.
She’s the only one who knows.
And she is aware of that too.
That’s why she doesn’t leave him; she’s always there. She is the only one left who still cares for him, because he never lets anyone come too close. He doesn’t trust anyone. Anyone but her.
“Sasuke-kun, next week is the start of summer vacation. Aren’t you excited?”
So she has changed herself and smiles for him. She smiles to engulf him in peace and happiness, since he deprives himself of those. That’s the only thing she can do.
“Hn. You’re too excited.” He answers her like he doesn’t care, but she knows he does. They walk home side by side, with her smiling and him scowling like there’s no tomorrow.
This is the moment that she loves the most. School ends and he walks her home, even though his house is in the opposite direction of hers. These little actions remind her that she still holds a spot in his heart.
“I am not. You’re just too gloomy, that’s wh-“ She trips on a pebble like she always does. He grabs her hand at once and encircles an arm around her thin waist, all done with utmost care, as if touching a precious doll, fragile and weak.
Whenever her clumsiness ensues, he is always there to catch her fall.
But will he catch her if he finds out that she has fallen real hard?
Fallen in--
“Stupid, look at where you’re walking. You’re so clumsy.”
--love.
Sheepishly, she smiles at him. Because she knows that there is a deeper meaning that comes along with his words, no matter how straightforward and blunt they sound.
No, she can’t fall. She shouldn’t fall.
“Sorry.”
And when the walk ends, along with the setting sun and the appearance of the first star of the evening… when he stops in front of her house and watches her open the gate, she is happy. Happy to have had spent a day with him. Happy to spend another day with him tomorrow.
That’s why she never says goodbye.
“See you tomorrow, Sasuke-kun.”
She’s afraid of--
“Hn.” He waits for her to enter the house before he walks back the same path.
--goodbyes. Very much.
-
-
At twelve years old, she has already fallen in love.
-
-
-
Seven…
-
“I would lie here in the darkness, I would lie here for all time…”
She sings her heart out, knowing that he is beside her, listening to her and even though he does not say it out loud, he enjoys hearing her sing. He enjoys sitting beside her on the sand and listening to her sweet voice accompanied by the soothing waves.
Yes, she knows this too. She knows him well. Too well.
It is normal. It is a fact.
Sasuke and Sakura. Sakura and Sasuke.
One can’t say her name without his, just as his name can’t be said without hers. In the same way, the two of them are inseparable.
She helps him, gives him her-
“I would lie here watching over you, comforting you… Sing to you…”
--love. Something only she can do. Only she can give. No one else.
She only hopes it’s not too late to save him-his soul from being swallowed by his hatred and loneliness. She only hopes love is…
She moves from her cross-legged position on the sand and kneels, looking at him with a grin. “So, how did I do today?”
…enough to save him.
He smirks and stares at the stirring waves, his palms behind him supporting his weight. “Don’t try to be cute; those days are long behind you.”
Is it enough?
She falters at that, falling back on the sand, surprised by his reaction. It had been a long time - too long, since the last time his face was graced with a smile. Too long since the last time he lets out a witty remark.
This is the Sasuke that she loves.
She recovers, pouting at him. “And here I was, thinking I get better looking everyday.”
Maybe this is the hope she had been praying for.
“Hey, Sasuke-kun…”
Is this the right time? Will it be okay? Is he going to accept her? Her feelings?
“Hn.”
And can he return them?
Too many questions without certain answers. Too much confusion about this feeling.
“I…”
It’s all complicated. But if she believes all this, she will keep falling deeper and deeper. Getting lost in this feeling would make her lose sight of reality…
“…I want to go home already.”
…
…
…and she doesn’t like that feeling.
-
-
At fourteen years old, she got her heart broken.
-
-
-
Six…
-
He is surprised. Well, surprised would be an understatement, since he just couldn’t believe it. He is shocked. Stupefied. Bewildered. Flabbergasted.
No matter how many words he uses to describe whatever he is feeling, they all lead to the same thing: he can’t believe it.
How the hell can someone endure being beside him? To walk to school, eat, sit, and damn, even just to breathe with him? People are supposed to mock him with their eyes. To scorn him with their words. To hate him for being such an emotional kid, for holding a grudge against them because they weren’t able to help him when he needed it the most.
And look, she’s still there beside him, smiling at him and talking to him as if nothing bad happened.
She confuses him sometimes-always. He can’t figure her out no matter what he does.
He stares at her with furrowed eyebrows, curious as to why she is inside his house (his empty, lonely and abandoned house) and is smiling, just like before when everything was still okay.
He wishes his parents hadn’t died. He wishes badly to go back in time.
“What? Did I do something wrong?” He watches. Watches as she hesitates, taking a step back. He instinctively steps towards her, still unable to say anything.
Yes.
“No.”
It’s just… Nobody’s looked at me the way you just did.
Why? WHY?
It’s so wrong.
“It’s nothing.”
…
…
But really, it’s everything.
-
-
-
Five…
-
“I drew a line, I drew a line for you.
Oh, what a thing to do.”
-
“You can become a singer.”
She looks abruptly at him with her big innocent eyes and the smile that never left her face.
Nearer. She leans nearer to him. “Wha-What did you say?”
Too close. Leaning too close. Sitting real close, her bare arm pressed against his, the side of her leg sliding against his. He can feel her warmth seeping through her clothes and then towards him, making him feel an uncomfortable heat in the nape of his neck.
But, she’s drunk.
None of these feelings he was having are supposed to be real.
“Do you want to be one?” He continues, purposely looking at anything but her, not catching the look of surprise that shortly appeared on her face.
Just a breath away, as if she wants him to kiss her.
His eyes wander, trying to look away from the truth. He looks for an excuse but finds none. She always affects him this way. Always makes his heart beat erratically and his breathing labored.
Intoxicated.
“Weeeeell,” She drags on the word with a roll of her tongue.
He can’t look away. At all.
“Yes, but I'd rather have…”
She hesitates. He feels like she should’ve held it all back.
“…you.”
He does something that surprises the both of them.
He pulls her tightly against him, presses his lips on hers in a merciless kiss. Maybe after knowing the feeling of her lips against his, he can already get rid of the strange warm feeling in the pits of his stomach and the loud thumping of his heart. He can already make her understand that she’s not supposed to want him.
The moment his lips touched her soft ones though, realization hit him hard on the face.
He’s so wrong.
The heat licking at his every ounce of energy within him is driving him into madness. He tightens his arms around her frail form, expecting her to shove him or slap him in the face for his reckless action, but none of it came in the way.
He continues to plunge in, all thoughts dying away from his mind as his mouth mercilessly tackled hers. He had now taken the kiss a step further, deepening it with such wanting that it bloomed a quaver of emotions in his heart.
Slowly, he gives in to his overpowering emotions and thoughts.
She drives him crazy.
He feels her lips part and begin plummeting even further, and he groans deep in his throat.
This time, the realization hit him again, even harder than before.
Her fingers playing with his hair, her body pressing harder against him, and her lips returning his kiss with equal intensity…
All these actions cause him to tremble incessantly and he is brought back into reality.
The kiss is wrong.
It was supposed to get rid of the feelings taking control of his mind and his body. But the kiss that he gave just to make her regret everything starts to get the better of him.
He couldn’t let it happen.
She’s drunk.
Pain. There will be much more pain.
Eyes flying open, he pulls back abruptly and breaks the kiss…
…drawing a line between the two of them.
“I’ll… write songs for you to sing. You’re going to be a singer.”
She giggles. “Okay.”
He doesn’t love her.
It can’t be.
…
…
At least that’s what he tries to tell himself.
-
-
-
Four…
-
“It’s true…
Look how they shine for you.”
-
He hates seeing her tears.
He hates hearing her cry.
Because he also gets sad.
And angry.
It doesn’t suit her. Not at all. She is beautiful and cheery and smiling. In a world where everything is overwhelmed with darkness, she stands out like a light bulb, very bright. He can almost see the halo over her head and the immaculate, white wings sprouting from her back.
Her happiness affects those around her-her friends, her family, strangers…
Him.
He who is the one pulling her back, holding her in place and not setting her free. Keeping her captive. He taints her with his dark aura, almost like a devil.
And she’s the angel.
She’s like his sanctuary. He can’t afford to get her stained.
She rubs her eyes again and again with her hands that are already wet with her tears, desperately trying to stop the tears. Harder and harder, she cries.
It hurts him. Seeing her like that is like being stabbed in the chest hundreds (thousands, millions, billions, it doesn’t end) of times.
Even more painful for him when she is crying because of him.
“We’ve talked about this, Sakura.”
“No. I will not go away.” She holds his face in her hands and he finds himself paralyzed, hypnotized by her mesmerizing eyes.
NO. No, no, no.
Too pure.
“The worst thing you’ve ever done, the darkest thought you’ve ever had, I will stand by you through… anything.”
Can’t she understand? He’s tainted! Scarred for life.
“And why would you do that?”
He knows why. Damn, he knows, knew from the start, very well why. It’s just that he can’t… shouldn’t believe it.
He’s just afraid of her answer…
Which is the same as his and will only complicate things.
Will ruin their friendship.
Will ruin her.
He doesn't want to hear it after all.
“No, I take it back. Don't answer that."
Is that all he can say? He can stop her from crying. Wipe her tears with his own hands. Whisper comforting words. Pull her into his arms tightly and never ever let go. He can do all of those and never get tired.
So why won’t he do it?
She surprises him again with the intensity of emotions in her eyes brimming with tears.
“Because…”
He never knew that her answer will change their lives forever.
“Because I... love you.”
It’s surprising how unsurprising a revelation it is.
He can only watch her tears fall aimlessly down her blushing cheeks. And before he stops himself from speaking… Before he gets himself to walk away and say nothing…
“Well, that’s too bad.”
He turns his back on her and walks away.
Because he doesn’t want to taint her purity. He doesn’t deserve her.
He’d rather hurt himself than hurt her.
-
-
-
Three…
-
They say she’s leaving.
The seat beside him is empty. The chair stood there beside him.
Instead of her.
He never knew an empty seat can stir such emotions in his heart. Seeing that solitary wooden object beside him makes him feel the familiar flutter in his stomach again.
Only this time, he feels really bad.
Scared.
His classmates make things worse. They keep on talking about her. Saying they are going to miss her. Saying how sad they are about her leaving.
Miss her? Sad?
Well, they don’t know what he’s going through now.
NO.
That’s not true.
“Sasuke,” Naruto sits in front of him and he frowns. Angry. He’s angry. He’s mad, annoyed, furious, outraged… He’s going insane.
The blonde tries to explain the situation as briefly as he can. But he can’t hear anything. It’s ridiculous, trying to understand such a horrible thing.
Has she left him alone?
Has he been left alone again?
WHY?
“Listen, you have to decide what you want to do, teme.” Naruto pulls him roughly by his collar, forcing him to stand from his seat.
This idiot does not understand.
How can he understand?
So, why, Sakura?
“Tomorrow, Sakura leaves and if she does, there’s a big chance that she’ll try to forget about you.”
He stays silent, ignoring the pain when Naruto’s fist has connected with his jaw. It does not hurt as much as the pain in his constricting heart.
…
…
A heart. He has one, in the end.
-
-
-
Two…
-
“You know, I love you so…”
-
So he runs out of the school, runs past faces of people he doesn’t really know. He hurries down the road, not minding the freezing air and the crunching snow beneath his feet. He has to go and talk to her.
What do they mean she’s leaving?
She can’t.
He stops in front of her house, trying to catch his breath. He has seen her house millions of times, but he has never been in it. In fact, there’s a possibility that her parents do not know him. But he doesn’t care. He’ll stop her if he has to. Take her away if he has to. As long as she is with him.
Because he can’t live without her.
She promised to stay by his side no matter what.
Ah, yes. He rejected-
As if on cue, she comes out of the front door, as if she knows that he has been standing there, waiting for her to come out. Waiting for her to come back to him.
-her. It’s his fault.
“Sasuke-kun.” She whispers his name with such longing in her eyes for a moment. Right then, she looks like she’s about to cry again. It’s so much easier to let loose her tears if he offers her hope.
“Don’t go.”
Two words. Short and blunt. They mean a lot of things. It can be a trap, a revelation, or a plea.
Which it is in actuality. It’s a trap, a revelation and a plea. It’s a trap for her not to leave, a revelation of his feelings and a plea for her to stay with him just like she said.
His purpose is clear.
But…
“How did you know?” She asks, intentionally avoiding the topic. Because she knows that the moment they start talking about everything, she will be crying again.
“Sakura, why are you leaving?”
The distance between them is long. Literally and figuratively. Too long a distance for him to try and look in her eyes to see what she is thinking.
He takes a step towards her.
“Answer me, Saku-“
“I want to be a singer, Sasuke-kun. I’m doing this for myself, I’m not avoiding you.”
“…”
She looks at him for what seems like an eternity and then asks him a question.
“Will you say with all honesty that you’re doing this because you love me?”
He freezes in his spot…
Stares.
Yes.
YES, yes, yes!
Say it, c’mon. Just say it. Those three words.
I love you.
See? You can say it in your thoughts.
So much. Too much.
So, why not say it?
It can stop her from leaving, but--
“…”
He stares at his snow covered shoes, her words echoing in his mind.
--it would be selfish of him to make her stay.
Yes or no?
…
…
“No.”
It’s better this way.
He’ll let her go if that’s what it takes to get her back.
“There’s your answer.” She smiles at him sadly and walks past him, away from him because she knows that her feelings for him would overflow once she sees the disappointed look on his face.
He is about to turn around to look at her when she starts speaking, her voice trembling because of the cries she is holding back.
“S-Someday… when I’m m-much older… when things li-like... pride and vanity are gone… when I’m e-even tired of… singing…”
She turns around to look at his back. “Will you… will you be able to tell me that you love me too, Sasuke-kun?”
Please say yes.
…
Because by then, I’ll still be in love with you.
“…”
His eyes betray him, for they are filled with tears.
Will he?
Yes?
Yes…
Or no?
No?
Silence.
“…”
And then…
“…Yes.”
-
-
Looks like she won’t stay after all…
-
-
-
ONE…
-
“…Yes.”
Again and again, it echoes in her head. It doesn’t seem like yesterday. It feels as if it happened just a second ago.
This is real.
His answer makes her happy. She smiles, knowing she has done a good job.
For the last ten years, she has been holding on to that little hope he has, that little hope that will change him back to what he used to be. He can be saved.
What seemed to be a dream is now becoming real.
RING, RING.
“Hello, mom?”
“Sakura, where are you?”
Blink.
“I’m going to Sasuke-kun’s house. Just going to drop by and leave a gift at his doorstep.”
“But his house is in the other side of town! Saku-“
She frowns, just about to cross the street.
“Mom, I’ll be back before you know it. Please, just one last time. At least let me give him my gift for Christmas.”
A pause.
“Alright. Be sure to be back at once, okay?”
“Thanks, mo-“
A man knocks into her hand…
“Oh, sorry, miss.”
“Sakura? Sakura, dear?”
…which was holding the gift-wrapped box.
It tumbles onto the middle of the street.
…
…
-
-
-
Time’s up…
“Look at the stars, look how they shine for you.
And all the things you do.”
-
-
He tries, he tries every single day, his feet playing against the sand, feeling the freezing water slapping against his ankles. He tries desperately, his mind reeling in a whirlwind of clashing thoughts, feelings, regrets.... He tries again and again, playing a flashback of a memory that is now spinning away from him, spinning away from the world he lives in.
He tries for her.
He looks at his watch. The watch she gave him.
Time is running out.
He has been looking for a place to die.
It’s the sea that she loves… loved the most. It arouses visions from his past. He thinks of her and he sees a world full of colors, a world where he has the power to stop time, a world where he can wish for his own happiness…
But instead, he wishes for hers.
A wish that can never be.
It never came true.
It’s all because of the line that was drawn between the two of them. The line is imaginary, but he can see it. He can feel it. The line reminds him that she is unreachable, and he can never do anything about it. Not even reach for the other side of the line, nor cross the line, nor erase the line.
Because that line was not drawn by him, by her or by any other person they know and don’t know.
It is a line drawn by God. By fate.
It is an end.
…
…
-
-
“I came along, I wrote a song for you.
And all the things you do…”
-
-
A song for her. He finished the song for her.
A tragic song.
-
-
“So then I took my turn.
Oh what a thing to have done.”
-
-
He has been looking for a place to die, so why?
“What in the world am I still doing here?”
-
-
“Your skin, oh yeah, your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful.”
-
-
Why? WHY?
Why?
Why?!
Why did she have to die?
-
-
What in the world am I still doing here?!
He answers his own question.
-
-
“You know, Sakura…”
-
-
“…when I’m embraced by the sea breeze…”
-
-
“I swam across, I jumped across for you.
Oh, all the things you do.
‘Cause you were all yellow.”
-
-
“…The sound of the waves has such a sweet allure…”
For the first time ever since she left, since she died, he cries.
-
-
“Your skin, oh yeah your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful.”
-
-
“…But… I cannot throw away…”
-
-
“And you know, for you I’d bleed myself dry.
For you, I’d bleed myself dry.”
-
-
“…This life that you saved.”
…
…
…
Because for him who didn’t choose love, the only thing he can do for love is to release the lock around his neck. Through that, the pain may vanish.
-
-
“And you know?
You know, I love you so.
You know, I love you so…”
-
-
-