pointless rambling
um well i feel the need to give people a heads up. ive been in a really bad mood since about 2am. and theres an 97% chance that it will carry over to tomorrow. i just kinda need some breathing space, even my parents knew to leave me alone today. i got home from church and went right into my room and blared music and cleaned...ya cleaning was the hint, i only clean when theres something wrong. so now being almost ten that means ive been cleaning my room for almost 10 hours. i really felt lonely today though, even though i wanted my space it kinda depressed me that i was so alone. thus i copied allison and put up pictures of all my friends all over the place...even some ones from the past, cuz idk i wanted to see everyone without actually having to go and look or talk to anyone. that makes no sence i know. mind you also i spent almost the entire day drunk as well, i got home from church around 1230ish and pulled out the captains left over from the other night. and i remembered why i never go to church... its all a bunch of bullshit, they tell you this stuff so that you do have something to belive in, and once you start beliving and you get your hopes all high that there just might be someone out there watching over you...something horrible will happen just remind you that either no ones really there or your just not worth the time or effort to be saved. i sat in my room today in like a huge heep of clothes just thinking about everything, medications, my parents, friends, exs, drugs, police, death, help...just random shit that i dont expect anyone to understand cuz im fucked up and dont talk about anything, and like to do this to myself and bottle shit up until today happens and i just lose it. but basically the point of this was to let my friends know how much i love them...and rely on them, you guys really keep me happy and help me through more shit than you even know. i love the fact that we all see each other almost every day and were alot alike. i feel like i need to appologize cuz i feel like the past couple months ive been really annoying and down for no reason sometimes and ive just been having a hard time and i dont mean to bring anyone down with me. but basically this is just an im sorry, and an i love you in the same entry. k im done.