there are two sides to this (not hers and mine)
I want to apologize
I have done a lot of that this week. Strange how when you feel so hurt and wronged you still end up being the one who feels he must explain his actions and make right the wrongs he's done. But life is not based on a scale of who has done more right and wrong. Its just not, and I gotta get over that.
So I apologize. I apologize for my last entry, in which I criticized the only people who are keeping me sane right now. The people who care enough about me to even deal with my pitiful, lonely, destroyed mush of a life.
There are two sides to this and here is what they are:
1) when my I am hurt and sad I make everyone around me uncomfortable because there is nothing they can say to make things better for me. So in order to make themselves feel a bit more comfortable they say things that actually remind me how pathetic I really am. What I have to realize though is that they are trying to help and are not intentionally making me feel worse, they are friend enough to bother giving advice in the first place. So with side one instead of getting angry and seperating myself from the very people who are going to help me get through this, I should realize the reality that I am the one making everybody uncomfortable and I should just let them give their uninvited advice and know they love me.
2) what I really want is for the people who care about me to say nothing. I am well aware of how uncomfortable my constant mood makes everybody feel, but I also feel like my friends could afford to just sacrifice their comfort and be okay with the fact that their is nothing to say. Two nights ago I was devested, and Ro came out on the porch where I was laying on my back chain smoking, and said "you want me to lay with you" and I said "yes". and that was it. She just laid down and didn't say anything. That was by far the most comforting thing anybody has done for me in this situation yet. (if you read this Ro, I want you to know how much I love you and cherish your friendship, you really do make me forget that things are so bad in the little things you do). So that is the other side, and hopefully my friends will realize that too.
My mom made a very comforting analogy.
A catapiller goes into a cacoon. Before he does this, he is quite satisfied with his catapiller life. He has no perspective of the future so he doesn't realize why he must go into a cacoon. but whether he likes it or not, he ends up trapped in this mushy prison for quite some time. Just stuck. It is painful and probably pretty horrible, but he is being transformed and doesn't even know it. In the end his perseverance pays off and he emerges a butterfly. Every other catapiller sees that butterfly and sais "Why can't I be like that?" and they don't realize that the price is costly and painful, but if you pay it, you will emerge a butterfly.
I have done a lot of that this week. Strange how when you feel so hurt and wronged you still end up being the one who feels he must explain his actions and make right the wrongs he's done. But life is not based on a scale of who has done more right and wrong. Its just not, and I gotta get over that.
So I apologize. I apologize for my last entry, in which I criticized the only people who are keeping me sane right now. The people who care enough about me to even deal with my pitiful, lonely, destroyed mush of a life.
There are two sides to this and here is what they are:
1) when my I am hurt and sad I make everyone around me uncomfortable because there is nothing they can say to make things better for me. So in order to make themselves feel a bit more comfortable they say things that actually remind me how pathetic I really am. What I have to realize though is that they are trying to help and are not intentionally making me feel worse, they are friend enough to bother giving advice in the first place. So with side one instead of getting angry and seperating myself from the very people who are going to help me get through this, I should realize the reality that I am the one making everybody uncomfortable and I should just let them give their uninvited advice and know they love me.
2) what I really want is for the people who care about me to say nothing. I am well aware of how uncomfortable my constant mood makes everybody feel, but I also feel like my friends could afford to just sacrifice their comfort and be okay with the fact that their is nothing to say. Two nights ago I was devested, and Ro came out on the porch where I was laying on my back chain smoking, and said "you want me to lay with you" and I said "yes". and that was it. She just laid down and didn't say anything. That was by far the most comforting thing anybody has done for me in this situation yet. (if you read this Ro, I want you to know how much I love you and cherish your friendship, you really do make me forget that things are so bad in the little things you do). So that is the other side, and hopefully my friends will realize that too.
My mom made a very comforting analogy.
A catapiller goes into a cacoon. Before he does this, he is quite satisfied with his catapiller life. He has no perspective of the future so he doesn't realize why he must go into a cacoon. but whether he likes it or not, he ends up trapped in this mushy prison for quite some time. Just stuck. It is painful and probably pretty horrible, but he is being transformed and doesn't even know it. In the end his perseverance pays off and he emerges a butterfly. Every other catapiller sees that butterfly and sais "Why can't I be like that?" and they don't realize that the price is costly and painful, but if you pay it, you will emerge a butterfly.