It's quite hard to comment when knowing that it's based on something that actually happened to you, since one automaticially feels sorry for you, but I'll try my best.
Somehow the feeling of the story is one of pity on the one side, but of self-assurance and a certain keep-on-going-i'll-show-them! Attitude on the other one, which is very balanced and keeps the flow at a very nice pace between story, emotional impact and word-pictures.
One thing that instantly stood out to me is „... under a street lamp in a parking lot full of broken glass“ … the entire parking lot is full of broken glass? In between the very detailed and observant descriptions in that text this stands out, since it's an superstition not used in the rest of the text.
„All but her chattering teeth were cast in the shadow of her hood.“ gave me a somehow amusing picture either, since I imagined the teeth kind of „floating“ in front of her (which then sure would look like the grim reaper!“ … maybe you could rephrase this in some form like that they .. stood out to a potential observer?
„They hadn’t done so in the two weeks [...] but she missed taking showers.“ - two weeks without a shower is really really hardcore when it comes to dirt and smell, especially when not washing one's face like stated later on. I don't know if that's what really happened and never found myself in such an situation, but I had a co-worker once who only took a shower once a week, and it was quite grim. But I could imagine it beeing „better“ in winter. Maybe (just an idea) the character could have very few money and not afford to go to public showers in a motel or rest stop that often? Don't know if such things even exist in America. But two weeks struck me as kind of weird that nobody noticed it up to then.
„No-ply institutional toilet paper disintegrated at the smallest hint of water, and she would rather not stick her face under the turbo-kill hand dryer.“ - This is an absolutely hilarious, real and very fitting description! Me as a reader can instantly understand her thoughts about it and it brings a smile into the otherwise kind of sad story about her. (sad in a good way, feeling wise, you know?)
„She had to tell herself that tomorrow couldn’t be any worse to get to sleep. But she didn’t believe it.„
The story is really good and very well written. Altough I find it refreshing that the story won't end with a happy-sunshine-rainbow-end, it got me thinking a bit, since she has this rawr-at-life attitude through the story, but the last sentence is simply pessimistic. Just curious if that's intented for showing an alternate side of her character?
Well, that's why we say remove the author from the work. To make you feel better, even in the smallest bit, I can separate out for you what happened to me and what was padding by my narrative.
For about a week, I half lived in my car, half stayed with friends. I had to move my car by 6 to avoid tickets, so I slept in about two or three different dorm rooms the first week. I didn't have time to shower. I don't know if I was smelly, lol. I probably was, even though it was in the winter time. I didn't "work out" much because all I really had to do was go to class. I did brush my teeth in the dining hall every morning. I did not wash my face, but I did consider it. The second week I drove like two hours back and forth to home until housing found me someplace to stay. I was constantly in the library, computer lab, or dining hall until they closed, and I intimately knew their hours. It was a self imposed exile while I waited for them to settle the dispute, but I really didn't feel safe in my university apartment anymore.
My mom jokingly suggested the living out of the car bit. Thankfully, it didn't come to that.
Thanks for letting me know the emotion it envokes. That was pretty close to the mark. What I was trying to demonstrate in the story was that even though Alyra was down on her luck, she kept focusing on her studies. Alyra is actually the character I wanted to write my werewolf book about. The werewolf book would be like the hell I went through my last years in college with werewolves involved, lol. Its going to be dark and depressing, but not so much that you'd want to slit your wrists.
Yeah, maybe that image of the street lamp was too vague. The parkinglots were always full of broken bottles and such, so much so that you'd get them caught up in your sneakers.
I tripped up on that what she looked like image. Thanks for letting me know, I'll consider the outside observer perspective in a rewrite. It would definitely add to her feeling of insecurity, like someone's watching her.
Public showers? No, sorry ;p You'd have to pay like 40-100 dollars for a hotel room for just one night, so not taking a shower would be worth saving the money. Hey, when you live out of your car, at least rent is cheap!
I'm glad you liked the no-ply and turbo kill reference :D I was on the fence about mentioning how your hand nearly goes through the paper when you wipe yourself, lol. I think that would have taken the reader too far out the story, though.
It wasn't intended to be an alternate side of her charactr, but its cool that you picked up on it, because it totally is now that I'm looking at it. She's the kind of person to muscle through things because she has to, but she doesn't buy into the own crap she tells herself to keep going. Its like a keep going for the sake of moving forward sort of attitude that she's supposed to have, but honestly it would be a great relief to her if someone would come along and kill her.
Thank you for that description! It really helps me personally to seperate the author from the work (it's like roleplaying .. I guess I turned out to be a Gamemaster since I have a hard time separating in and off wisdom). Sad thing you had to live through this!
"The werewolf book would be like the hell I went through my last years in college with werewolves involved, lol. Its going to be dark and depressing, but not so much that you'd want to slit your wrists."
College with werewolves sounds awesome ;) ... sounds really promising! Looking forward to it a lot!
"Public showers? No, sorry ;p You'd have to pay like 40-100 dollars for a hotel room"
What I mean is ... well, I don't know if it exists over there, leo says it's called "Rest stop" in America. It's like every 50-70 miles in Germany. A place where you can get gas, snacks, hot food, drinks, toilets and showers ... those showers are thought to be used for truckers but are free for everybody (in terms of everbody is allowed to use them for 5$). They are single-cabin, so no worries about that. Sad that such stuff isn't aviable over there!
I think the wiping-yourself would take the reader out too far as you say, but the rest with the no-play turbo kill should definately stay in there! :D
I really like that story, just wanted to say it again. Keep up the good work! I believe in you! :)
Yeah, this is a really good example of why you need to keep them separate when you're reading. If you approach any piece of work with outside information, you're going to combine the two and miss what's really there. You know me and you know what's happened to me, but other readers don't. So if you look at it and try to read it looking for the elements of myself, you'll miss what's intentionally not myself.
Not a reflection on you or anything, but I really hate it when I give my work to someone to read, and they automatically assume that I, Candace, am a part of a story. No, not at all. It may come from me and I draw from my experience, but it offends me when someeone tries to draw something out of the story that relates back to me. Like the when my mom thought I was the one trying to make a cook book. Really, mom? Really? Or "that's such a Candace thing to do." No its not. These characters are not real.
Oh yeah, we have rest stops here. They don't have showers, though. I think its because during the gay revolution in like the 70s, public bath houses really became a hot spot for sexual activities. Then there's the issue of sanitation.
Thank you for all of your thoughtful comments! :D And thanks for believing in me
“You know me and you know what's happened to me, but other readers don't. So if you look at it and try to read it looking for the elements of myself, you'll miss what's intentionally not myself.” I know, that’s very true. Sadly it’s quite hard to separate both of it once you know that there is stuff inside. That’s the huge disadvantage you have as a gamemaster, as a roleplayer you HAVE to learn to separate inside/outside knowledge to be good, but as a gamemaster it’s very important to always combine both of it, which then leads to such a mixup. But I’ll try and give my best to separate both of it better from now on!
“It may come from me and I draw from my experience, but it offends me when someeone tries to draw something out of the story that relates back to me.” Well, for people like your Mom it may be extremely hard, since she “knows”™ you so long. One is tempted to draw forth things about you out of your storys, especially since it’s based on your experiences, but as you said, it’s imagination. A good example I’ve read once is from one of the P.R.-Writers, which was quite angry in an interview because of exactly that topic, and he said “Yeah, you know, I write Space-Horror-Novels about Mutants, and I tell you, all those visits to high-radiation areas and space-stations really drain my budget!” :D
“Oh yeah, we have rest stops here. They don't have showers, though. I think its because during the gay revolution in like the 70s, public bath houses really became a hot spot for sexual activities.” Well, I wouldn’t consider charging 20$ for a short shower as “public”, but I can understand the point there, yes. It’s probably the same reason for the bluelight-toilets which always amaze tourists from US which go all “Wow, is this an artistic installation?” … they look kind of sad when you tell them “Actually, it’s a soft blue light that makes it impossible to see your own veins, so you can’t position needles accurately” …
“And thanks for believing in me” I really do. It may seem strange, not knowing you in person, but I really do.
Aw, I know what you mean in the roleplaying business. I've made that blunder before... actually I do it a lot, lol >.< People tell me I break the fourth wall, and I totally don't realize I'm doing it, I guess because I'm so used to making my own worlds, not just one character. They all go, "how do you know that?!" And I go >.> <.< "Such and such told me! *deflects blame, that was super effective!*"
Lol, I wish I could figure out who said, "Everyone tells you to be realistic, as if reality needs encouragement." I thought that was the best quote about writing science fiction ever.
I was also amazed by the blue light toilet, until I finished reading the paragraph, lol :( I guess we Americans to blue toilets are like flies to bug zappers
I really had to laugh about *deflects blame, that was super effective!* ... that would make an awesome tshirt-slogan ;) ... and yes, "such and such told me!" always is a nice touch to every story one tells. I have to admit that I do it a lot too, altough I really try to avoid it as much as possible.
That quote about realitiy and encouragement is from James Tiptree Jr., a pseudonym of science fiction writer Alice Bradley Sheldon ... and it's really awesome, you're right!
Thank you so much for clearing that up for me! I saw it on the wall of the Sci Fi museum in Seattle, and I commited it to memory because it described so well what I've always thought. I just neglected to remember who said it, lol
Somehow the feeling of the story is one of pity on the one side, but of self-assurance and a certain keep-on-going-i'll-show-them! Attitude on the other one, which is very balanced and keeps the flow at a very nice pace between story, emotional impact and word-pictures.
One thing that instantly stood out to me is „... under a street lamp in a parking lot full of broken glass“ … the entire parking lot is full of broken glass? In between the very detailed and observant descriptions in that text this stands out, since it's an superstition not used in the rest of the text.
„All but her chattering teeth were cast in the shadow of her hood.“ gave me a somehow amusing picture either, since I imagined the teeth kind of „floating“ in front of her (which then sure would look like the grim reaper!“ … maybe you could rephrase this in some form like that they .. stood out to a potential observer?
„They hadn’t done so in the two weeks [...] but she missed taking showers.“ - two weeks without a shower is really really hardcore when it comes to dirt and smell, especially when not washing one's face like stated later on. I don't know if that's what really happened and never found myself in such an situation, but I had a co-worker once who only took a shower once a week, and it was quite grim. But I could imagine it beeing „better“ in winter. Maybe (just an idea) the character could have very few money and not afford to go to public showers in a motel or rest stop that often? Don't know if such things even exist in America. But two weeks struck me as kind of weird that nobody noticed it up to then.
„No-ply institutional toilet paper disintegrated at the smallest hint of water, and she would rather not stick her face under the turbo-kill hand dryer.“ - This is an absolutely hilarious, real and very fitting description! Me as a reader can instantly understand her thoughts about it and it brings a smile into the otherwise kind of sad story about her. (sad in a good way, feeling wise, you know?)
„She had to tell herself that tomorrow couldn’t be any worse to get to sleep. But she didn’t believe it.„
The story is really good and very well written. Altough I find it refreshing that the story won't end with a happy-sunshine-rainbow-end, it got me thinking a bit, since she has this rawr-at-life attitude through the story, but the last sentence is simply pessimistic. Just curious if that's intented for showing an alternate side of her character?
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For about a week, I half lived in my car, half stayed with friends. I had to move my car by 6 to avoid tickets, so I slept in about two or three different dorm rooms the first week. I didn't have time to shower. I don't know if I was smelly, lol. I probably was, even though it was in the winter time. I didn't "work out" much because all I really had to do was go to class. I did brush my teeth in the dining hall every morning. I did not wash my face, but I did consider it. The second week I drove like two hours back and forth to home until housing found me someplace to stay. I was constantly in the library, computer lab, or dining hall until they closed, and I intimately knew their hours. It was a self imposed exile while I waited for them to settle the dispute, but I really didn't feel safe in my university apartment anymore.
My mom jokingly suggested the living out of the car bit. Thankfully, it didn't come to that.
Thanks for letting me know the emotion it envokes. That was pretty close to the mark. What I was trying to demonstrate in the story was that even though Alyra was down on her luck, she kept focusing on her studies. Alyra is actually the character I wanted to write my werewolf book about. The werewolf book would be like the hell I went through my last years in college with werewolves involved, lol. Its going to be dark and depressing, but not so much that you'd want to slit your wrists.
Yeah, maybe that image of the street lamp was too vague. The parkinglots were always full of broken bottles and such, so much so that you'd get them caught up in your sneakers.
I tripped up on that what she looked like image. Thanks for letting me know, I'll consider the outside observer perspective in a rewrite. It would definitely add to her feeling of insecurity, like someone's watching her.
Public showers? No, sorry ;p You'd have to pay like 40-100 dollars for a hotel room for just one night, so not taking a shower would be worth saving the money. Hey, when you live out of your car, at least rent is cheap!
I'm glad you liked the no-ply and turbo kill reference :D I was on the fence about mentioning how your hand nearly goes through the paper when you wipe yourself, lol. I think that would have taken the reader too far out the story, though.
It wasn't intended to be an alternate side of her charactr, but its cool that you picked up on it, because it totally is now that I'm looking at it. She's the kind of person to muscle through things because she has to, but she doesn't buy into the own crap she tells herself to keep going. Its like a keep going for the sake of moving forward sort of attitude that she's supposed to have, but honestly it would be a great relief to her if someone would come along and kill her.
Thank you for reading! :D *hugs*
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"The werewolf book would be like the hell I went through my last years in college with werewolves involved, lol. Its going to be dark and depressing, but not so much that you'd want to slit your wrists."
College with werewolves sounds awesome ;) ... sounds really promising! Looking forward to it a lot!
"Public showers? No, sorry ;p You'd have to pay like 40-100 dollars for a hotel room"
What I mean is ... well, I don't know if it exists over there, leo says it's called "Rest stop" in America. It's like every 50-70 miles in Germany. A place where you can get gas, snacks, hot food, drinks, toilets and showers ... those showers are thought to be used for truckers but are free for everybody (in terms of everbody is allowed to use them for 5$). They are single-cabin, so no worries about that. Sad that such stuff isn't aviable over there!
I think the wiping-yourself would take the reader out too far as you say, but the rest with the no-play turbo kill should definately stay in there! :D
I really like that story, just wanted to say it again. Keep up the good work! I believe in you! :)
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Not a reflection on you or anything, but I really hate it when I give my work to someone to read, and they automatically assume that I, Candace, am a part of a story. No, not at all. It may come from me and I draw from my experience, but it offends me when someeone tries to draw something out of the story that relates back to me. Like the when my mom thought I was the one trying to make a cook book. Really, mom? Really? Or "that's such a Candace thing to do." No its not. These characters are not real.
Oh yeah, we have rest stops here. They don't have showers, though. I think its because during the gay revolution in like the 70s, public bath houses really became a hot spot for sexual activities. Then there's the issue of sanitation.
Thank you for all of your thoughtful comments! :D And thanks for believing in me
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I know, that’s very true. Sadly it’s quite hard to separate both of it once you know that there is stuff inside. That’s the huge disadvantage you have as a gamemaster, as a roleplayer you HAVE to learn to separate inside/outside knowledge to be good, but as a gamemaster it’s very important to always combine both of it, which then leads to such a mixup. But I’ll try and give my best to separate both of it better from now on!
“It may come from me and I draw from my experience, but it offends me when someeone tries to draw something out of the story that relates back to me.”
Well, for people like your Mom it may be extremely hard, since she “knows”™ you so long. One is tempted to draw forth things about you out of your storys, especially since it’s based on your experiences, but as you said, it’s imagination. A good example I’ve read once is from one of the P.R.-Writers, which was quite angry in an interview because of exactly that topic, and he said “Yeah, you know, I write Space-Horror-Novels about Mutants, and I tell you, all those visits to high-radiation areas and space-stations really drain my budget!” :D
“Oh yeah, we have rest stops here. They don't have showers, though. I think its because during the gay revolution in like the 70s, public bath houses really became a hot spot for sexual activities.”
Well, I wouldn’t consider charging 20$ for a short shower as “public”, but I can understand the point there, yes. It’s probably the same reason for the bluelight-toilets which always amaze tourists from US which go all “Wow, is this an artistic installation?” … they look kind of sad when you tell them “Actually, it’s a soft blue light that makes it impossible to see your own veins, so you can’t position needles accurately” …
“And thanks for believing in me”
I really do. It may seem strange, not knowing you in person, but I really do.
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Lol, I wish I could figure out who said, "Everyone tells you to be realistic, as if reality needs encouragement." I thought that was the best quote about writing science fiction ever.
I was also amazed by the blue light toilet, until I finished reading the paragraph, lol :( I guess we Americans to blue toilets are like flies to bug zappers
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That quote about realitiy and encouragement is from James Tiptree Jr., a pseudonym of science fiction writer Alice Bradley Sheldon ... and it's really awesome, you're right!
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