Merlin: M/A, G/L: Of Coffee and Olives
Title: Of Coffee and Olives
Series: Merlin
Rating: T
Pairing: Merlin/Arthur, Gwen/Lancelot
Disclaimer: dis- (not); claim- (mine); -er (no, really)
Summary: Written for prompt on Kink Me! Merlin: Arthur and Merlin's mutual married friends keep trying to set them up together (they've managed to never meet yet). And frankly, they don't ever want to meet. But since it's such a small world, they eventually do.
SEQUEL IS HERE.
Dear happily married best friends of mine,
Despite your so-called best interests in my love life, which I’ll have you know is doing quite well, thank you very much, I happen to like being single. It affords me a certain freedom that marriage and coupledom cannot grant me and, therefore, does not make me defective in any way, regardless of what you think otherwise. I don’t care if he does have a great bum, Gwen.
Sincerely, one best friend who does not want to meet one of your other best friends simply because you say he is perfect for me. I’ll believe it when I see it.
Arthur laughed at the note. He couldn’t help it. He’d been there when Gwen received it with a basket full of croissants and read over her shoulder. She was laughing too, despite her protests to the contrary.
“Is this from the friend you want me to meet?” It was an obvious question, but Arthur felt he had to ask. This was Gwen, there was no telling how many of her friends she tried to set up.
She nodded around a mouthful of buttery, flaky bread and moaned. “I’m telling you, he’s absolutely perfect for you. Look at this wit, Arthur. You two have to meet.”
Arthur shook his head. “Just because I’m one of the only two single people you know, does not mean that we belong together.” He glanced back through the note and frowned in concentration. “Besides, he doesn’t even care if I have a great bum. I work very hard to keep these buns looking great.” He paused for a moment and stopped his flexing. “And what are you telling him I have a great bum for, huh? I’m going to tell Lance you’re looking.”
Gwen grinned mischievously. “It’s okay so long as I don’t actually touch. But only because Lance doesn’t want me to ruin your virtue. I keep trying to tell him you don’t have any, but he still has his hopes set on a white wedding for you.”
Arthur shook his head, stole a croissant and mock-glared at her. “What am I paying you for? Get back to work.”
She mock-saluted him and winked. This wasn’t the first attempted set-up; it wouldn’t be the last.
-
Merlin stared at Lance over the copper shine of the antique cappuccino machine as he wiped down the bar. “I’m not meeting him,” he repeated.
Lance turned from a faithful customer - there every day at noon for sandwich, soup, and tea - to roll his eyes at Merlin. “Come on. He’s not that bad, really. Besides, Gwen will be mad if you miss out on another chance at romance.”
Merlin scoffed and tossed his rag into the air. “I’m not missing out on anything. I’m happily single, Lance, and Gwen will forgive me. In fact, I’m pretty sure she already has.” There was a certain note in his voice that made his friend frown and look at him in question. Merlin shrugged. “I sent her a note and a basket of her favorite croissants.”
“You’re cheating.” Lance pointed at him with his serving tray. “You haven’t even known her as long as I have and yet you already know the way to her heart.” He paused. “What note?”
A mischievous smile. “I’m sure you’ll see it later. No doubt she saved it.”
Lance laughed at that, threw his head back and chuckled. “Yes, and no doubt your intended has seen it too. He works with Gwen; is, in fact, Gwen’s boss.”
“Then he knows where I stand on this whole Meet, Greet, and Get Married thing you lot seem to be doing. Besides, if he’s such a great friend, why didn’t I meet him at the wedding, hm? Or the bachelor party, for that matter?”
“He was out of the country for business. But he did send us his regards and paid for the honeymoon.”
Merlin nodded absently and glared at the cappuccino maker, but then… “How do you feel about Gwen telling me how great his ass is, then?”
The faithful customer sipped his tea and arched an eyebrow. Lance just shrugged and grinned lazily. “Oh, she already knows my stance on Arthur’s ass.”
Merlin laughed and continued wiping down the bar.
-
“I’m not coming over for Christmas if it means I have to meet him,” Arthur said through his mobile. The waitress wasn’t happy that he was ignoring her; she had been trying to flirt but he would have none of it. Besides, he was trying to combat the combined forces of Guinevere and Lancelot. He couldn’t let his guard down.
Gwen moaned. “Arthur, please? You guys could be so good together.”
“It’s been a year, mate,” Lance added. “You can’t avoid this forever.”
Arthur could just imagine them, now, cuddling on the couch, a romantic comedy on pause as they pleaded their case on his complete lack of sex life - or any kind of life, really, outside of work. They worried needlessly sometimes. Most of the time.
“No, but I can try. I’m still not completely convinced you guys are doing this for my sake. I think you’re just bored with each other and need to meddle in others comfortable lives.” He knew it wasn’t true, though. They just liked to see people happy.
“Fine,” he heard Gwen huff. “But you’re coming for New Year’s.”
Lance laughed. “There are only so many excuses you can make, you know, before you run out.”
“I’m well aware, Lance. But my father wants me in France for some stupid gala or something. I’m not even sure what it’s for, but it’s supposed to be big and important so I have to at least make an appearance.”
Gwen groaned again. “Oh, I completely forgot about that, Arthur. Have fun. And don’t ruin your dress.”
He snapped his mobile closed at the sound of their laughter and stressed a polite smile at the waitress. His life outside of work was completely fine. And if the waitress looked like she wanted to pour his coffee over his head when he asked for her number, well, that was completely fine too.
-
“Nope.”
Merlin shook his head.
“Not doing it.”
He crossed his arms as if enforcing his decision. He refused to fall.
Gwen actually growled at him. Merlin was scared for a moment and then reminded himself that this was Gwen. She wouldn’t hurt him.
“I’ve played this game before, Gwen, and it never turns out well. No matter how much you might think otherwise.”
“Merlin. He needs someone in his life right now. He’s working himself to death and he won’t listen to anything I say.”
Merlin looked doubtful. “Obviously you didn’t try that scary look you always give me when I don’t listen to you. Because that always works.” Gwen frowned and gave him sad eyes. “Look, if I did meet him, he’d probably just bury himself further in his work. I’m not exactly the type that draws people out.”
“Then just draw him away from the paperwork. He doesn’t have to go out to stop working.”
Merlin narrowed his eyes. “You just want free porn, don’t you?”
Gwen had the audacity to look affronted. “How could you think so low of me?” She paused. “I’d pay for the camera and the film, at the very least. But, seriously, come on. Just give it a chance. Arthur, I mean, not the porn. Although…”
“Gwen!”
-
Arthur walked into the little coffee bar where Lance worked. He’d only agreed to come because he’d been promised free lunch, and he could hardly turn down a free meal. It just wasn’t in his nature to do so. He knew the elusive destined one worked here too, but in that moment between calculation and filing, Arthur’s stomach overruled his better judgment.
It wasn’t a bad looking place, really, and it wasn’t crowded despite the hour. The bar was some kind of polished wood, the tables, chairs, and stools all a dark lacquer, and lined up against the back wall were a few shelves of wines and liquors, a few taps, and a couple scary looking coffee machines. Well, Arthur guessed that’s what they were for. His coffee usually came already made and in a disposable cup of some sort with a plastic lid. He didn’t need to know about buttons, pulleys, and levers when he could pay someone to do it for him.
Lance was chatting to an old man who seemed to be enjoying his soup, sandwich and tea. He motioned Arthur over to a nearby table as soon as he noticed him. Arthur bided his time by uselessly browsing the menu. It didn’t matter much anyway - Lance knew what he liked and would no doubt bring him something suitable.
Lance came over a few minutes later with a half-sandwich and a bowl of soup and smiled warmly in greeting. “You just missed him, you know?”
“Oh, really? Who?”
He received a look that told him he wasn’t fooling anyone. Arthur grinned. “I guess it just wasn’t meant to be,” he joked.
Lance shook his head and frowned. “Why can’t you just give this a chance? Honestly, you deserve to be happy, Arthur.”
“What on Earth makes you think I’m not?”
“You keep a blanket and a pillow in your office and you have a miniature wardrobe in your desk,” Lance told him pointedly. “You probably haven’t even been laid since last Christmas when you had too much eggnog and tried to snog Gwen!”
Arthur narrowed his eyes. “How do you know that? I thought I told her we were to never speak of that incident again.” After a bite of his sandwich and a spoonful of soup, he added, “We both got nightmares from that, I’ll have you know. I didn’t sleep right for weeks.”
“You still don’t sleep right,” Lance laughed, but it had a worried edge to it. “What you need is someone to bugger morning, noon, and night.”
“Really? I’m eating here.”
“Mm. Maybe next time you should come by earlier. I’m sure he’d be happy to be buggered by you.”
“No. Thanks for the lunch, by the way. And no, I’m not leaving you a tip.”
Lance continued to laugh even after the bell jingled Arthur’s departure.
-
Merlin frowned. Was this really the only place to get Gwen’s olives? He doubted it, but if it was what she wanted, he really couldn’t argue. Besides, Lance would kill him if she became any more upset than she already was. Evidently she’d been on a dramatic movie kick and couldn’t stop crying. Sometimes he wondered if he’d ever understand women, but then he realized he didn’t exactly have to worry about that.
He did, however, wonder if he would ever get the chance to understand the blond god in human form frowning at a can of olives. The same can of olives Merlin was supposed to be getting. He didn’t believe in fate or destiny, but for a moment he thought maybe he should, especially when blue eyes turned with a confused smile.
“Are these supposed to be good with pancakes?”
Merlin barked out a laugh. Gwen was evil and Lance was no better. “I take it you’re the Arthur they’ve been trying to get me to meet for the past two years?”
Arthur opened his mouth and just stared for a moment before he grinned. “You’re Merlin, then?”
Merlin shook his hand and then groaned. “Two years we’ve been avoiding this and it’s a stupid can of olives that catches us unawares.”
Arthur turned the can in his hands, fingernails scratching at the paper. “They don’t have to know, you know. We don’t have to tell them we met.”
Something itched in the back of Merlin’s mind but he shrugged it away. “Sure, okay.” He’d told Gwen and Lance that it would never have worked, that this infamously overworked Arthur wouldn’t look twice in his direction and that they were just wasting their time in trying to hook the two of them up.
Arthur leaned in closer and lowered his voice, eyes flashing with mirth. “Are you sure you really mean that, Merlin?” Arthur clapped him on the shoulder and put back the can of olives. “You know, we could always go out for coffee. Gwen and Lance don’t have to know about it.” He smirked. “They can torture themselves over the fact that we’ve met someone else and they were wrong this whole time and how much do you want to kiss me right now?”
Merlin opened his mouth and couldn’t find any words to convey his shock. “Does that usually work? Walking up to potential strangers and asking if they want to kiss you? Really?”
“Yeah but you have to admit that I’m totally kissable.”
Merlin turned and began to walk away. “Seriously? I told them, told them, that this wouldn’t work. And it turns out I was right. You’re a complete and utter tosser. You’re unbelievable.”
Arthur trailed after him. “So, you’re not going to kiss me?”
“You haven’t even bought me coffee! Of course I’m not going to kiss you!”
Five minutes later they were in a line at Starbucks.
Series: Merlin
Rating: T
Pairing: Merlin/Arthur, Gwen/Lancelot
Disclaimer: dis- (not); claim- (mine); -er (no, really)
Summary: Written for prompt on Kink Me! Merlin: Arthur and Merlin's mutual married friends keep trying to set them up together (they've managed to never meet yet). And frankly, they don't ever want to meet. But since it's such a small world, they eventually do.
SEQUEL IS HERE.
Dear happily married best friends of mine,
Despite your so-called best interests in my love life, which I’ll have you know is doing quite well, thank you very much, I happen to like being single. It affords me a certain freedom that marriage and coupledom cannot grant me and, therefore, does not make me defective in any way, regardless of what you think otherwise. I don’t care if he does have a great bum, Gwen.
Sincerely, one best friend who does not want to meet one of your other best friends simply because you say he is perfect for me. I’ll believe it when I see it.
Arthur laughed at the note. He couldn’t help it. He’d been there when Gwen received it with a basket full of croissants and read over her shoulder. She was laughing too, despite her protests to the contrary.
“Is this from the friend you want me to meet?” It was an obvious question, but Arthur felt he had to ask. This was Gwen, there was no telling how many of her friends she tried to set up.
She nodded around a mouthful of buttery, flaky bread and moaned. “I’m telling you, he’s absolutely perfect for you. Look at this wit, Arthur. You two have to meet.”
Arthur shook his head. “Just because I’m one of the only two single people you know, does not mean that we belong together.” He glanced back through the note and frowned in concentration. “Besides, he doesn’t even care if I have a great bum. I work very hard to keep these buns looking great.” He paused for a moment and stopped his flexing. “And what are you telling him I have a great bum for, huh? I’m going to tell Lance you’re looking.”
Gwen grinned mischievously. “It’s okay so long as I don’t actually touch. But only because Lance doesn’t want me to ruin your virtue. I keep trying to tell him you don’t have any, but he still has his hopes set on a white wedding for you.”
Arthur shook his head, stole a croissant and mock-glared at her. “What am I paying you for? Get back to work.”
She mock-saluted him and winked. This wasn’t the first attempted set-up; it wouldn’t be the last.
-
Merlin stared at Lance over the copper shine of the antique cappuccino machine as he wiped down the bar. “I’m not meeting him,” he repeated.
Lance turned from a faithful customer - there every day at noon for sandwich, soup, and tea - to roll his eyes at Merlin. “Come on. He’s not that bad, really. Besides, Gwen will be mad if you miss out on another chance at romance.”
Merlin scoffed and tossed his rag into the air. “I’m not missing out on anything. I’m happily single, Lance, and Gwen will forgive me. In fact, I’m pretty sure she already has.” There was a certain note in his voice that made his friend frown and look at him in question. Merlin shrugged. “I sent her a note and a basket of her favorite croissants.”
“You’re cheating.” Lance pointed at him with his serving tray. “You haven’t even known her as long as I have and yet you already know the way to her heart.” He paused. “What note?”
A mischievous smile. “I’m sure you’ll see it later. No doubt she saved it.”
Lance laughed at that, threw his head back and chuckled. “Yes, and no doubt your intended has seen it too. He works with Gwen; is, in fact, Gwen’s boss.”
“Then he knows where I stand on this whole Meet, Greet, and Get Married thing you lot seem to be doing. Besides, if he’s such a great friend, why didn’t I meet him at the wedding, hm? Or the bachelor party, for that matter?”
“He was out of the country for business. But he did send us his regards and paid for the honeymoon.”
Merlin nodded absently and glared at the cappuccino maker, but then… “How do you feel about Gwen telling me how great his ass is, then?”
The faithful customer sipped his tea and arched an eyebrow. Lance just shrugged and grinned lazily. “Oh, she already knows my stance on Arthur’s ass.”
Merlin laughed and continued wiping down the bar.
-
“I’m not coming over for Christmas if it means I have to meet him,” Arthur said through his mobile. The waitress wasn’t happy that he was ignoring her; she had been trying to flirt but he would have none of it. Besides, he was trying to combat the combined forces of Guinevere and Lancelot. He couldn’t let his guard down.
Gwen moaned. “Arthur, please? You guys could be so good together.”
“It’s been a year, mate,” Lance added. “You can’t avoid this forever.”
Arthur could just imagine them, now, cuddling on the couch, a romantic comedy on pause as they pleaded their case on his complete lack of sex life - or any kind of life, really, outside of work. They worried needlessly sometimes. Most of the time.
“No, but I can try. I’m still not completely convinced you guys are doing this for my sake. I think you’re just bored with each other and need to meddle in others comfortable lives.” He knew it wasn’t true, though. They just liked to see people happy.
“Fine,” he heard Gwen huff. “But you’re coming for New Year’s.”
Lance laughed. “There are only so many excuses you can make, you know, before you run out.”
“I’m well aware, Lance. But my father wants me in France for some stupid gala or something. I’m not even sure what it’s for, but it’s supposed to be big and important so I have to at least make an appearance.”
Gwen groaned again. “Oh, I completely forgot about that, Arthur. Have fun. And don’t ruin your dress.”
He snapped his mobile closed at the sound of their laughter and stressed a polite smile at the waitress. His life outside of work was completely fine. And if the waitress looked like she wanted to pour his coffee over his head when he asked for her number, well, that was completely fine too.
-
“Nope.”
Merlin shook his head.
“Not doing it.”
He crossed his arms as if enforcing his decision. He refused to fall.
Gwen actually growled at him. Merlin was scared for a moment and then reminded himself that this was Gwen. She wouldn’t hurt him.
“I’ve played this game before, Gwen, and it never turns out well. No matter how much you might think otherwise.”
“Merlin. He needs someone in his life right now. He’s working himself to death and he won’t listen to anything I say.”
Merlin looked doubtful. “Obviously you didn’t try that scary look you always give me when I don’t listen to you. Because that always works.” Gwen frowned and gave him sad eyes. “Look, if I did meet him, he’d probably just bury himself further in his work. I’m not exactly the type that draws people out.”
“Then just draw him away from the paperwork. He doesn’t have to go out to stop working.”
Merlin narrowed his eyes. “You just want free porn, don’t you?”
Gwen had the audacity to look affronted. “How could you think so low of me?” She paused. “I’d pay for the camera and the film, at the very least. But, seriously, come on. Just give it a chance. Arthur, I mean, not the porn. Although…”
“Gwen!”
-
Arthur walked into the little coffee bar where Lance worked. He’d only agreed to come because he’d been promised free lunch, and he could hardly turn down a free meal. It just wasn’t in his nature to do so. He knew the elusive destined one worked here too, but in that moment between calculation and filing, Arthur’s stomach overruled his better judgment.
It wasn’t a bad looking place, really, and it wasn’t crowded despite the hour. The bar was some kind of polished wood, the tables, chairs, and stools all a dark lacquer, and lined up against the back wall were a few shelves of wines and liquors, a few taps, and a couple scary looking coffee machines. Well, Arthur guessed that’s what they were for. His coffee usually came already made and in a disposable cup of some sort with a plastic lid. He didn’t need to know about buttons, pulleys, and levers when he could pay someone to do it for him.
Lance was chatting to an old man who seemed to be enjoying his soup, sandwich and tea. He motioned Arthur over to a nearby table as soon as he noticed him. Arthur bided his time by uselessly browsing the menu. It didn’t matter much anyway - Lance knew what he liked and would no doubt bring him something suitable.
Lance came over a few minutes later with a half-sandwich and a bowl of soup and smiled warmly in greeting. “You just missed him, you know?”
“Oh, really? Who?”
He received a look that told him he wasn’t fooling anyone. Arthur grinned. “I guess it just wasn’t meant to be,” he joked.
Lance shook his head and frowned. “Why can’t you just give this a chance? Honestly, you deserve to be happy, Arthur.”
“What on Earth makes you think I’m not?”
“You keep a blanket and a pillow in your office and you have a miniature wardrobe in your desk,” Lance told him pointedly. “You probably haven’t even been laid since last Christmas when you had too much eggnog and tried to snog Gwen!”
Arthur narrowed his eyes. “How do you know that? I thought I told her we were to never speak of that incident again.” After a bite of his sandwich and a spoonful of soup, he added, “We both got nightmares from that, I’ll have you know. I didn’t sleep right for weeks.”
“You still don’t sleep right,” Lance laughed, but it had a worried edge to it. “What you need is someone to bugger morning, noon, and night.”
“Really? I’m eating here.”
“Mm. Maybe next time you should come by earlier. I’m sure he’d be happy to be buggered by you.”
“No. Thanks for the lunch, by the way. And no, I’m not leaving you a tip.”
Lance continued to laugh even after the bell jingled Arthur’s departure.
-
Merlin frowned. Was this really the only place to get Gwen’s olives? He doubted it, but if it was what she wanted, he really couldn’t argue. Besides, Lance would kill him if she became any more upset than she already was. Evidently she’d been on a dramatic movie kick and couldn’t stop crying. Sometimes he wondered if he’d ever understand women, but then he realized he didn’t exactly have to worry about that.
He did, however, wonder if he would ever get the chance to understand the blond god in human form frowning at a can of olives. The same can of olives Merlin was supposed to be getting. He didn’t believe in fate or destiny, but for a moment he thought maybe he should, especially when blue eyes turned with a confused smile.
“Are these supposed to be good with pancakes?”
Merlin barked out a laugh. Gwen was evil and Lance was no better. “I take it you’re the Arthur they’ve been trying to get me to meet for the past two years?”
Arthur opened his mouth and just stared for a moment before he grinned. “You’re Merlin, then?”
Merlin shook his hand and then groaned. “Two years we’ve been avoiding this and it’s a stupid can of olives that catches us unawares.”
Arthur turned the can in his hands, fingernails scratching at the paper. “They don’t have to know, you know. We don’t have to tell them we met.”
Something itched in the back of Merlin’s mind but he shrugged it away. “Sure, okay.” He’d told Gwen and Lance that it would never have worked, that this infamously overworked Arthur wouldn’t look twice in his direction and that they were just wasting their time in trying to hook the two of them up.
Arthur leaned in closer and lowered his voice, eyes flashing with mirth. “Are you sure you really mean that, Merlin?” Arthur clapped him on the shoulder and put back the can of olives. “You know, we could always go out for coffee. Gwen and Lance don’t have to know about it.” He smirked. “They can torture themselves over the fact that we’ve met someone else and they were wrong this whole time and how much do you want to kiss me right now?”
Merlin opened his mouth and couldn’t find any words to convey his shock. “Does that usually work? Walking up to potential strangers and asking if they want to kiss you? Really?”
“Yeah but you have to admit that I’m totally kissable.”
Merlin turned and began to walk away. “Seriously? I told them, told them, that this wouldn’t work. And it turns out I was right. You’re a complete and utter tosser. You’re unbelievable.”
Arthur trailed after him. “So, you’re not going to kiss me?”
“You haven’t even bought me coffee! Of course I’m not going to kiss you!”
Five minutes later they were in a line at Starbucks.