Forgive me Father
“Forgive me Father for I have sinned. It has been 2 weeks since my last confession” Ianto said when the panel slid open.
“Go ahead my child”
“In the last two weeks I have killed my boyfriend five times.” Ianto told the priest.
“You...you killed your boyfriend FIVE times?” The priest asked, mortified.
“Yes Father.” Ianto confirmed. “The first time was because Jack pissed one of the UNIT colonels off and I had to spend three hours trying to smooth things over and convince UNIT that despite what Jack said we do appreciate their help and we are still useful to them as well. For that I put arsenic in his coffee. I was going to give him decaf but when I went to make it I just couldn’t. Decaf is like blasphemy to me.”
The priest was too stunned by Ianto’s confession to say anything but Ianto just took his silence as his cue to continue.
“The second time was when Jack didn’t complete his paperwork on time even though I had reminded him every day for two weeks. So I pushed him down the stairs. He wasn’t really supposed to die that time but he landed on his neck wrong.”
Ianto settled more comfortably in his chair as he continued to list his sins.
“The third time was because Jack left his clothes lying around everywhere. You would think that he would find some time to put his clothes away properly at some point during the night. Especially when he only sleeps for an hour or two. And he tracked mud all over the floor after one of his night time walks. So the next time he was brooding on the roof I pushed him off.”
“And the fourth time?” The priest asked quietly, not sure if he wanted the answer.
“Well Jack was talking with his mouth full and I have told him time and time again that it is rude to talk with food in your mouth so I poisoned his next meal. The fifth, and most recent time, was because he fed Myfanwy broccoli and he knows that broccoli gives her diarrhoea. By this point I was so fed up that I just shot him. Twice. So I guess I have technically killed him six times. But he has deserved it each time!”
Ianto sat in silence waiting for the priest to digest everything he had told him and give him a response.
“Why did you do this my son?” The priest finally asked.
“My psychiatrist said that I should get rid of the major causes of my stress. My boyfriend is one of them so I kill him whenever he stresses me out.” Ianto said, the mater-of-fact tone scared the priest.
“Do you really think that is the best option?”
“Probably not. But it reduces my stress and the makeup sex is always amazing afterward.” Ianto sighed as his watch beeped. “Don’t worry about it Father. You won’t remember any of this in a few seconds anyway.”
Ianto left the confessional booth as he heard the priest slump over asleep. Retcon really was a great thing.
Jack as waiting for Ianto when he left the church and Ianto frowned when he saw new tears on Jack’s greatcoat. Ianto was immediately assaulted with the metallic scent of blood when he slid into the SUV and a quick swipe of his finger over the driver’s seat confirmed that it was covered in drying blood.
“You got blood on the seats Jack.” Ianto growled when Jack started to climb into the SUV. “There is a reason we keep plastic in the back.”
“I was dying!” Jack protested. “It’s kind of hard to worry about getting plastic out of the boot when your chest has been clawed open.”
“Which is why you aren’t supposed to go weevil hunting on your own.” Ianto said, pulling his pocket knife out of his pocket. “That way the person you are hunting with can get the plastic out. It is so much less trouble to dispose of some plastic than to clean the seats. Plastic is also much easier to deal with than bloody clothes so before you sit on that seat you are going to cover it with the plastic like it should have been done before.”
“Sorry.” Jack said, bowing his head.
Jack quickly retrieved the plastic covers from the back and spread them over the driver’s seat carefully before climbing in and settling onto the plastic carefully.
Ianto sighed before he leaned over and pushed the knife into Jack’s gut, the sharp blade slicing his flesh easily and sliding in smoothly.
Ianto watched as Jack’s eyes slowly dulled and breathed out a sigh of relief, releasing all the anger he had felt toward Jack for hunting on his own and getting blood on the seats.
Jack gasped back to life a few minutes later and found himself cradled in Ianto’s lap and he smiled up at the young Welshman.
“Love you.” Jack murmured.
“Love you too.” Ianto replied, kissing Jack gently.
“Your place or mine?” Jack asked, pulling away from Ianto so he could start the SUV.
“Mine. It’s closer.”
THE END