a collection of jokes about musicians
(Pretty much what it says on the carton. I got these from the internet years and years ago, and came across the text file in an old documents folder just now and thought I'd share. Cut for length.)
How many second violinists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they can't get up that high
Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and their instrument?
Violins don't have spit valves.
How can you tell if a viola is out of tune?
The bow is moving.
Why don't violists play hide and seek?
Because no one will look for them.
How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
Sit in the back and don't play anything.
How do you get a bass player off your doorstep?
Pay for the pizza.
How do you get two piccolo players to play in perfect unison?
Shoot one.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.
How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax?
Add vibrato.
How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: one to handle the bulb, and the other four to tell him how much better they could've done it.
Why are a violinist fingers like lightning?
They rarely strike the same spot twice.
What do violists use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the definition of a gentleman?
One who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't.
How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
What is a chord?
Three violists playing in unison.
What is the definition of a major seventh?
A violist playing octaves.
What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You should take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline.
Why are viola parts written in Alto Clef?
Harder to prove that wrong notes weren't copying errors.
Who makes the best viola mutes?
Smith & Wesson.
Definition of an optimist:
A viola player with a beeper.
Did you hear about the planeload of conductors en route to the European Festival?
The good news: it crashed.
The bad news: there were three empty seats on board.
Why are viola jokes so short?
So violinists can understand them.
String players' motto: `It's better to be sharp than out of tune.'
Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright?
Because it makes a much bigger kaboom when dropped over a cliff.
How was the canon invented?
Two violists were trying to play the same passage together.
What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
string quartet: a good violinist, a bad violinist, an ex-violinist, and someone who hates violinists, all getting together to complain about composers.
subito piano: indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to become a soloist.
senza sordino: a term used to remind the player that he forgot to put his mute on a few measures back.
How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?
The knock always slows down.
These two tuba players walk past a bar...
Well, it could happen!
What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once.
What's the difference between God and a conductor?
God knows He's not a conductor.
What's the difference between alto clef and Greek?
Some conductors actually read Greek.
How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They have a machine that does that now.
Concerning bagpipes: The Irish invented them and gave them to the Scots as a joke, and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet.
How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.
How do horn players traditionally greet each other?
1. "Hi. I played that last year."
2. "Hi. I did that piece in junior high."
What is the dynamic range of the bass trombone?
On or off.
glissando: a technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.
A new conductor was at his first rehearsal. It was not going well. He was wary of the musicians as they were of him. As he left the rehearsal room, the timpanist sounded a rude little "bong." The angry conductor turned and said, "All right! Who did that?"
Why is a conductor like a condom?
It's safer with one, but more fun without.
How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
1. "One, two, three, one, two, three..."
2. "Hey man, I just do sound."
3. One. Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.
Why do violists get antsy when they see the Kama Sutra?
All those positions!
How many second violinists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they can't get up that high
Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and their instrument?
Violins don't have spit valves.
How can you tell if a viola is out of tune?
The bow is moving.
Why don't violists play hide and seek?
Because no one will look for them.
How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
Sit in the back and don't play anything.
How do you get a bass player off your doorstep?
Pay for the pizza.
How do you get two piccolo players to play in perfect unison?
Shoot one.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.
How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax?
Add vibrato.
How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: one to handle the bulb, and the other four to tell him how much better they could've done it.
Why are a violinist fingers like lightning?
They rarely strike the same spot twice.
What do violists use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the definition of a gentleman?
One who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't.
How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
What is a chord?
Three violists playing in unison.
What is the definition of a major seventh?
A violist playing octaves.
What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You should take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline.
Why are viola parts written in Alto Clef?
Harder to prove that wrong notes weren't copying errors.
Who makes the best viola mutes?
Smith & Wesson.
Definition of an optimist:
A viola player with a beeper.
Did you hear about the planeload of conductors en route to the European Festival?
The good news: it crashed.
The bad news: there were three empty seats on board.
Why are viola jokes so short?
So violinists can understand them.
String players' motto: `It's better to be sharp than out of tune.'
Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright?
Because it makes a much bigger kaboom when dropped over a cliff.
How was the canon invented?
Two violists were trying to play the same passage together.
What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
string quartet: a good violinist, a bad violinist, an ex-violinist, and someone who hates violinists, all getting together to complain about composers.
subito piano: indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to become a soloist.
senza sordino: a term used to remind the player that he forgot to put his mute on a few measures back.
How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?
The knock always slows down.
These two tuba players walk past a bar...
Well, it could happen!
What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once.
What's the difference between God and a conductor?
God knows He's not a conductor.
What's the difference between alto clef and Greek?
Some conductors actually read Greek.
How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They have a machine that does that now.
Concerning bagpipes: The Irish invented them and gave them to the Scots as a joke, and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet.
How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.
How do horn players traditionally greet each other?
1. "Hi. I played that last year."
2. "Hi. I did that piece in junior high."
What is the dynamic range of the bass trombone?
On or off.
glissando: a technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.
A new conductor was at his first rehearsal. It was not going well. He was wary of the musicians as they were of him. As he left the rehearsal room, the timpanist sounded a rude little "bong." The angry conductor turned and said, "All right! Who did that?"
Why is a conductor like a condom?
It's safer with one, but more fun without.
How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
1. "One, two, three, one, two, three..."
2. "Hey man, I just do sound."
3. One. Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.
Why do violists get antsy when they see the Kama Sutra?
All those positions!