california smokers unite!
Seriously, what do I miss most about London (besides, you know, the obvious boring answer of the kids there)? THE ABILITY TO SMOKE WHEREVER THE FUCK I WANTED. Train stations! Restaurants! Hospitals! (okay, hospitals is a lie.) It was magnificent.
Here, those of us gunning for an early death are shunned like the plague. You should see the looks people give me--it's like they've never seen a cigarette before. 'What's that young person doing, hon?' 'I don't know, dear. Something antisocial, I'm sure.' Candle's on the street, yeah, antisocial and being PUT OUT IN YOUR EYE.
I propose, as phil hartman did on newsradio (aw. who loved phil hartman and newsradio? best show ever.) that there be a statewide smoking zone, and that this smoking zone be a mobile ten foot radius around me. That would solve all my problems.
I can't even smoke in the seats at the Coliseum! Well, in the upper deck I can, but that's only 'cause the high schoolers in the next row up are smoking a jay, so nobody's really looking twice at me.
Anyway. All this is immaterial, because the Giants beat the Dodgers tonight and that's really all required to make me happy. That rook who came in to pinch run for Bonds and knocked the first and only pitch he saw for a game-winning single . . . bro's name is Cody Ransom, and he's clearly an Old West gunslinger, with a name like that. We've immediately nicknamed him Kid Ransom and pointed him towards the best brothel in town. He should fit right in.
Also, Dear Barry Zito--
Your swing is the funniest thing I have ever seen. I'm making a tape of it and playing it on a loop and giggling hysterically, all the live long day. This has not dimmed my love for you, though. (Your inability to locate your curveball, on the other hand . . .)
love, Candle
(Giants-A's and the totally awesome rending of Candle's heart, to begin in t-minus three days)
Here, those of us gunning for an early death are shunned like the plague. You should see the looks people give me--it's like they've never seen a cigarette before. 'What's that young person doing, hon?' 'I don't know, dear. Something antisocial, I'm sure.' Candle's on the street, yeah, antisocial and being PUT OUT IN YOUR EYE.
I propose, as phil hartman did on newsradio (aw. who loved phil hartman and newsradio? best show ever.) that there be a statewide smoking zone, and that this smoking zone be a mobile ten foot radius around me. That would solve all my problems.
I can't even smoke in the seats at the Coliseum! Well, in the upper deck I can, but that's only 'cause the high schoolers in the next row up are smoking a jay, so nobody's really looking twice at me.
Anyway. All this is immaterial, because the Giants beat the Dodgers tonight and that's really all required to make me happy. That rook who came in to pinch run for Bonds and knocked the first and only pitch he saw for a game-winning single . . . bro's name is Cody Ransom, and he's clearly an Old West gunslinger, with a name like that. We've immediately nicknamed him Kid Ransom and pointed him towards the best brothel in town. He should fit right in.
Also, Dear Barry Zito--
Your swing is the funniest thing I have ever seen. I'm making a tape of it and playing it on a loop and giggling hysterically, all the live long day. This has not dimmed my love for you, though. (Your inability to locate your curveball, on the other hand . . .)
love, Candle
(Giants-A's and the totally awesome rending of Candle's heart, to begin in t-minus three days)