お帰り♥
Lately,
I've been fighting off feelings of nostalgia. I keep on having dreams of Boston. I love Boston, but I truly realize that my opportunities are HERE. Yet why does Boston keep popping up? Why do the memories of winding dirt roads in Plymouth still bring tears to my eyes? The sheer roar of Plymouth's waves still sound in my head. I want to feel the sand between my toes once more. I want to see the colorful sunrise on the beach against my father's smiling face. I want to re-experience the warmth of my mother's kind words after a hard day. I want to pick up my baby cousin and hug her tight again.. so afraid she'll forget who I am. I want to laugh again with my Grandma after she makes a drunken joke. I want to feel Boston's freezing pavement through my shoes in the winter. I want to feel the rattle of the trains bound for Brighton once more. I miss the lazy pajama mornings I shared with Kira. The horror movie moments of both of us commenting how funny it was. I miss her laugh. God it made my day. After I would get home and feel beaten down, she could cheer me up in an instant.
I can faintly again hear my family's collective laughter. But I've forgotten so much.
I love where I live, I love my Masato. I want to go back to Boston and Plymouth for a bit. It's an unbearable yearning at this point.
Today on t.v, Ayaka came out and sang her new song, "お帰り" meaning, Welcome home. She goes on, "お帰り, I'm home."
And then I found her song, "手をつなごう" (Let's hold hands) which only made me doubly cry my ass off. All my feelings were rolled up into those two songs. The one line that hit me like a brick was, translates to "when I cry take me to where you are. Because you always believed in me. I feel I can achieve anything... let's hold hands." I just started blubbering again. It made me think mostly of my mother, and how I've been separated from her for so long now. I miss that connection very much. It's not like she's a few hours away, she's on the opposite side of the world, and seeing her smiling face is so precious to me. It's hard for me to talk about it without crying all my makeup off. Really hard.
I won't lie and say I'm not scared of the future. I won't lie and say that I never feel lost. Because I do.
Tonight, I went for a walk along the river near my apartment. Wearing my old beaten art clothes and worn out flip-flops, I trailed along, going nowhere. Just lost in thought, I could barely see. I felt like my head and eyes were going to burst.
Somedays I am scared. I am. Sometimes I do feel lost. Sometimes I feel like i'm wandering around in circles, and my life is taking a path that I can't control.
I'm long overdue for a visit back to my family's home and with my friends. But I know my home is here. I chose it. But I won't ever forget.
Please, do watch these, they're amazing songs:
Ayaka - "Welcome Home" with english subs :)
http://jp.youtube.com/watch?v=9auKazfzbIM
Ayaka - "Let's hold hands" the translation of the song is pretty good too. English subs.
http://jp.youtube.com/watch?v=IJYOfTFNStU
I've been fighting off feelings of nostalgia. I keep on having dreams of Boston. I love Boston, but I truly realize that my opportunities are HERE. Yet why does Boston keep popping up? Why do the memories of winding dirt roads in Plymouth still bring tears to my eyes? The sheer roar of Plymouth's waves still sound in my head. I want to feel the sand between my toes once more. I want to see the colorful sunrise on the beach against my father's smiling face. I want to re-experience the warmth of my mother's kind words after a hard day. I want to pick up my baby cousin and hug her tight again.. so afraid she'll forget who I am. I want to laugh again with my Grandma after she makes a drunken joke. I want to feel Boston's freezing pavement through my shoes in the winter. I want to feel the rattle of the trains bound for Brighton once more. I miss the lazy pajama mornings I shared with Kira. The horror movie moments of both of us commenting how funny it was. I miss her laugh. God it made my day. After I would get home and feel beaten down, she could cheer me up in an instant.
I can faintly again hear my family's collective laughter. But I've forgotten so much.
I love where I live, I love my Masato. I want to go back to Boston and Plymouth for a bit. It's an unbearable yearning at this point.
Today on t.v, Ayaka came out and sang her new song, "お帰り" meaning, Welcome home. She goes on, "お帰り, I'm home."
And then I found her song, "手をつなごう" (Let's hold hands) which only made me doubly cry my ass off. All my feelings were rolled up into those two songs. The one line that hit me like a brick was, translates to "when I cry take me to where you are. Because you always believed in me. I feel I can achieve anything... let's hold hands." I just started blubbering again. It made me think mostly of my mother, and how I've been separated from her for so long now. I miss that connection very much. It's not like she's a few hours away, she's on the opposite side of the world, and seeing her smiling face is so precious to me. It's hard for me to talk about it without crying all my makeup off. Really hard.
I won't lie and say I'm not scared of the future. I won't lie and say that I never feel lost. Because I do.
Tonight, I went for a walk along the river near my apartment. Wearing my old beaten art clothes and worn out flip-flops, I trailed along, going nowhere. Just lost in thought, I could barely see. I felt like my head and eyes were going to burst.
Somedays I am scared. I am. Sometimes I do feel lost. Sometimes I feel like i'm wandering around in circles, and my life is taking a path that I can't control.
I'm long overdue for a visit back to my family's home and with my friends. But I know my home is here. I chose it. But I won't ever forget.
Please, do watch these, they're amazing songs:
Ayaka - "Welcome Home" with english subs :)
http://jp.youtube.com/watch?v=9auKazfzbIM
Ayaka - "Let's hold hands" the translation of the song is pretty good too. English subs.
http://jp.youtube.com/watch?v=IJYOfTFNStU