Fic: When the Music Stops, Part 6/?
Title: When the Music Stops
Genre: Big Time Rush - Drama / Romance
Pairings: Logan/Kendall
Details: Slash, AU
Rating: MA/NC17
Warnings: Adult situations (i.e. smut) at some point, mild angst, swearing
Status: WIP
Word Count: ~4200
Summary: An accident keeps Logan and his parents from moving to Minnesota. When Kendall and Logan meet years later, Kendall hears clear as a bell. Logan doesn't. "Sitting on a speaker instead of a drummer's throne, Logan turns up the bass, pounding out any bitterness he had let fester in his heart. He won't leave himself to rot, not anymore."
Masterlist
-K-
It turns out Logan is elusive as fuck. Oh, he'll talk to Kendall for ages about the music he loves, his favorite brand of equipment or whether The Who or Rush had the better drummer, but as soon as the conversation turns to anything more personal, he's quick to make up an excuse to stop talking.
A normal conversation between the two usually progresses something like this:
"You actually listen to folk music?" Logan might ask.
"Well, yeah. My mom listened to so much of the stuff while I was growing up it was either like it or be miserable."
"Yeah?"
"There are some awesome folk and folk-ish songs that everyone should know. Didn't your parents force you to listen to anything you grew to love?"
"Crap, I just remembered I have a biology test to study for. See ya next time we have practice, Kendall."
And then he's gone.
But Kendall is sneaky too, and Logan doesn't even realize how much the blond is learning about him simply from his music choices. For instance, Logan has never been in love and had his heart broken. Kendall is sure of it. Because all of Logan's favorites are these loud, fast-paced selections with lyrics far from love. Nothing hauntingly melodic or acoustic or sad.
Kendall's heart has been broken exactly two-and-a-half times. Once, by his father, a half turn by the kid across the street who never showed (Kendall only gives this a half since he never really had the kid to begin with), and once by Sherry Jeannette Graves in the seventh grade. The last was this giant of a girl who, at the time, was a good head taller than Kendall. She kicked his ass at basketball and could spit almost as far as he could. Damn, she was cool. He had the balls to kiss her cheek once. She slapped him, but Kendall wasn't dissuaded. When she moved at the end of the school year, Kendall listened to "Incomplete" by the Backstreet Boys on repeat for weeks. He still can't listen to that song without tearing up a little.
Kendall has also learned Logan doesn't like to wallow. He's always moving on, moving forward, looking two, three, four steps ahead. Kendall has noticed this not only from the music Logan likes, but from the way he handles himself during practices. If Carlos tries to whine over a messed up note, Logan pushes him through it. "Don't worry about it," Logan says. "You'll do it right this time." So Carlos does. When James goes diva and moans over his voice sounding pitchy, Logan politely tells him to get over it. It's like Logan is one of those crazy sweaters from the '80s and Kendall finds new colors the more he unwinds. At first glance, Logan is this meek little thing, but underneath is the determination of a bear.
The thing that drives Kendall crazy (the most) about Logan is Kendall is sure Logan is interested, at least a little, just from his mannerisms. There are unnecessary touches and long looks and flushed cheeks, but that's it. Maybe James was right. It's been a month, and Logan is still an enigma.
It only makes Kendall want Logan more.
-L-
"I don't know how much longer I can keep this up," Logan says, sitting at a corner table in the dining hall.
"Then tell them now," Camille replies, and she makes it sound so easy.
"It's not just that. That's a huge, huge part of it, but…" Logan stops, takes a long drink of water and ponders the cold broccoli on his plate.
Camille waves her hands in Logan's face to gain his attention. He looks to her reluctantly and stabs a spear of broccoli without glancing at it.
"But what?" she asks.
"I want to trust them, and I can't." Logan bites the head off the vegetable then throws his fork down in disgust, some at the soggy food, mostly at himself.
"And why is that?"
"Because they're going to feel sorry for me. And out of all the people in the whole world, I don't want those guys feeling sorry for me. I don't want them treating me different."
"But you're going to have to tell them, Logan, and to do that you have to trust they won't treat you different. The plan was never to keep this a secret forever."
"How do I do that? I just…don't…see how people blindly trust each other."
"What about Kendall?" Camille asks, an impish smile quirking her mouth.
"What about him?"
"You trust him."
Logan stares at her. How the hell does she figure him out so easily? How does she get down the core of things and just blurt thoughts that Logan has trouble even admitting in his own head?
"I might a little," he concedes. "I don't know anything about him though."
"Whose fault is that?" She points an accusing finger at Logan and stops talking for a moment, rifling through her salad. "So did he try to kiss you yet?" Camille asks, casually biting into a cherry tomato. Logan chokes on his water, coughing for several moments.
"Camille," Logan hisses, "it's not like that, okay? He's just…"
"Just…"
"…a really great guy. And I'm such a socially-awkward, anti-social weirdo. I don't even know what I'm doing." Logan crosses his arms on the table and hides his face between them.
Camille moves from being across from Logan to his side, drapes an arm across his shoulders and nudges him until he brings his head back up. "Why don't you try telling only him first?"
"But he's the one I want to tell the least."
"Maybe that's why you need to tell him the most," Camille replies.
She's wearing this purple eyeshadow today, and Logan can barely see the whites of her eyes against the full brown of her iris. Their faces are close, closer than they ever have been, and Logan can read the kindness, the concern from Camille as easily as he does sheet music. He might just be learning what it is to have people who aren't related by blood in his life, but he trusts Camille, no matter his trepidations.
"I don't know if I can," Logan replies, whispers.
"Sure you can. What are your plans for the break?"
"Well, we're having to skimp on practices the next few weeks. With finals coming up I need to study. So I agreed to stick around for Christmas so we can really go at it."
Camille quirks an eyebrow and grins. "Go at it, huh?"
Logan smiles and hides his face again, a blush darkening his cheeks. "Stop," he mumbles.
She hugs him, shaking him slightly until he looks at her again. "How are your parents feeling about spending Christmas without their little Logie Bear?"
Logan rolls his eyes and says, "My mom made me call her on the phone and talk just so she could hear my voice."
"Aw, that's so sweet."
"I felt dumb. I was basically just talking to myself, so I talked about K- the band."
Camille gives Logan one of those knowing looks that drive him crazy. "Do your parents know you're probably and or mostly gay?"
"Cam, you knew before I did, so no they don't." Logan isn't going through the discovery issues so many do as he come to terms with his sexuality. To him, a romantic relationship is such a foreign concept, he's not concerning himself. To Logan, it's just another thing that makes him different, another thing to keep to himself from anyone who doesn't need to know.
"You know I would've been claiming you as mine if I didn't have such excellent gaydar. Are you going to tell them?"
"One day? There's really nothing to tell right now." Logan sits up fully again and resumes poking at the food on his tray. He's not worried about how his parents will react, not really. True, they don't live in a very accepting place where he could walk around proclaiming he's gay, but he outgrew needing his parents approval when he learned to stand up for himself.
Mom and Dad's acceptance would be nice though.
"After the break there might be," Camille practically sings.
"Am I going to have to muzzle you?" Logan replies, fondly bumping Camille's shoulder with his own.
"I'd still have my hands!" She gives him a giggle and big grin before turning serious.
"Tell him over the break, Logan. The longer you wait the harder it'll be."
Worry pinches Logan's eyes, his mouth downturned in a frown. "I'll try."
-K-
Kendall decides to stop beating around the bush and tell Logan he'd like to know him better, maybe ask him out on a date.
Logan has been absent the last week, making sure he is fully prepped for his exams, and Kendall hates to admit how much he misses him. It's dumb, but Logan's presence brightens everything so much Kendall feels like a cloud lingers when he's gone. Kendall much prefers the sunshine.
They're able to work in a practice the weekend before Logan's finals. Kendall can tell Logan is tensed up over it, and it's not until they've been playing for an hour Logan smiles for the first time. It only makes Kendall more nervous; he's never asked a guy out before. His experience with asking girls out is limited. When they take a break from practice, Kendall pulls James outside to ask his advice. If there's anything James is good for, it should be tips on dating. He's certainly done it enough.
"I want to ask Logan out," Kendall says once he's made sure they're out of earshot.
"Ask him out where?" James asks, crossing his arms over his chest.
"You know, like, on a date?"
"I knew you liked him." James leans back and claps his hands together once, rubs them together. "Wait. Since when do you like dudes?"
"I don't know. Since Logan? Since forever? Does it matter?"
"Nah, just wondering, man. You guys have been flirting for weeks. So you're asking the master for help, huh? Wise decision, my friend."
"So could you stop patting yourself on the back and give me some advice?"
James gets a faraway look on his face and bites his lower lip; Kendall recognizes this easily as James' thinking face. Kendall gives him a moment before he gets impatient. "Well?"
"You should start by complimenting him."
"I already do that all the time."
"You always compliment his music. You need to say something nice about his face." James is extremely serious, places his hands on Kendall's shoulders.
"Okay. Then what?"
"Then you say, 'Logan, do you want to go out sometime?'"
"Wow." Kendall shrugs from James' hold, laughing his way back to the porch to go inside.
"What?" James exclaims, rushing after Kendall before he can enter the door.
"Nothing, James. Thanks for the advice," Kendall says, clear sarcasm coloring the words. James ignores it.
"You're welcome." James smiles as Kendall opens the screen door. "And, hey, Kendall?"
He turns back around. "Yeah?"
"Don't you dare scare him off. We need him. You said so yourself and you were right."
"Course I was right."
"And, hey, Kendall?"
Kendall sighs loudly, rolling his eyes and once again turning to James. "What?"
"Don't break his heart. I like the little guy."
"What about my heart?" Kendall protests.
"You've got us and you wear your heart on your sleeve, so Carlos and I don't have much trouble helping you fix it. I don't think Logan opens up much. It's hard to fix people like that."
James surprises Kendall with his perceptiveness sometimes. This is one of those times. Kendall wonders if it's almost a guarded warning. "I'll keep that in mind," he says.
"And, hey, Kendall?"
"Damn it, James," he laughs, "what now?"
James isn't smiling anymore. "Good luck, man."
-K-
They're done with practice, and it's almost two in the morning. It happens a lot, the time getting away from them. Logan warmed up considerably about midway through practice, but now he's looking dead on his feet. Kendall can just imagine him poring over the pages of written word the guy could've probably recited from memory to begin with. He imagines Logan is the kind of guy who pushes himself too hard sometimes; it's clear in the stress furrowing his brow once all the music has leaked from the room.
Carlos and James left the Pantry of Perfect Pitch as soon as they all called it quits. James must've had something to do with that, and Kendall appreciates it, except now he doesn't have a reason to back out and he's feeling so nervous he's almost sick and his palms are all sweaty.
Logan, despite his obvious exhaustion, is meticulously taking apart a snare and doing…something…to it. Kendall isn't sure what really, but Logan's pink tongue to poking out the corner of his mouth, and Kendall knows he'll combust if he puts this off anymore. So, from across the room, he says, "You have really nice eyes."
The other guy doesn't even look up, and Kendall decides he's going to smack James upside the head next time he sees him. He should've known better than to take advice from him.
After several awkward moments of silence, Logan looks up to see Kendall staring at him. Logan expels a tiny, tired laugh. "I'm sorry, Kendall, did you say something?"
"Uh, um, no. I didn't say anything." He wants to start mumbling to himself about how stupid he is, but instead picks up his guitar and sits on one of the barstools stationed in the practice room. Beginning to strum, Kendall pays close attention to his fingers, not chancing a glance in Logan's direction again. Instead he just starts talking.
"Hey, Logan, we've been spending an awful lot of time together, and I still don't know anything about you." He strums a few more chords, plucks a few single notes and waits to see if Logan will chime in. He doesn't, so Kendall continues. "I'd really like to change that. I know when we met, I said I wasn't hitting on you, and I kind of, really was, even though I didn't mean to. So, yeah, I was wondering if you might want to go out sometime? Just me and you?" Kendall takes a quick look in Logan's direction through his lashes, and the other guy is still just doing whatever he's been doing to the drum. "If I've totally misread the signals, please don't punch me in the face or quit."
Logan just completely ignores Kendall, doesn't even give him a cursory glimpse. And, damn if it doesn't hurt like a punch in the gut, the wind knocked right out of him. He'd expected maybe a polite No thanks, I'm not interested or Sorry, I'm totally straight or, maybe, hopefully, a Yeah, I'd love to! but not the absolute silent treatment. It's like this stupid idea Kendall had of Logan, of Logan and him, beginning some grand romantic love, the big kind, goes poof in a silent vapor. It feels all wrong, like the universe isn't keeping up its end.
"Sorry," Kendall mumbles, rising from the stool and putting his guitar back on the stand. "I won't mention it again."
He makes his way to the door, and Logan finally looks up. "See ya next practice, Kendall," he says, a normal smile on his face like nothing just happened.
"Yeah, see ya," Kendall replies, and he doesn't know whether to be offended or appreciative that Logan is pretending Kendall admitted nothing.
-K-
Once Logan leaves, James immediately starts asking Kendall how it went. Kendall is almost too brokenhearted and embarrassed to say anything, but James is his best friend.
"He totally ignored me," Kendall admits, plopping on one of the living room bean bags with a dejected huff. James sits up as straight as possible from his own chair, putting his elbows on his knees.
"That can't be right." James ponders things a moment, the air fraught with Kendall's downhearted vibes. "Wait. Did you compliment his face?"
"I said he had nice eyes," Kendall says, his cheeks heating at the remembrance of the awkward comment.
"Well, that's nice enough," James replies, once again going contemplative. It's about that time Carlos comes out of the bedroom.
"How'd it go?" Carlos asks. Kendall groans and covers his face, worms down further into the bean bag.
"James, dude, why'd you tell Carlos?"
"I didn't know it was a secret," James says. He has the sense to look regretful.
Kendall sighs, his hands moving to his face and rubbing his cheeks vigorously. "It wasn't. It's not. I'm just...disappointed." Disappointed is the biggest fucking understatement of the decade. He feels like he's been chewed up, digested and shit out by a T-Rex or something equally ferocious.
"He didn't say yes?" Carlos is genuinely confused, his lower lip jutting out in a pout.
"He didn't say anything," Kendall answers, wrapping his arms around his stomach as he remembers the way it dropped when Logan just sat there.
"Maybe he didn't hear you," James offers.
"I don't think he could've missed all the dumb shit I was saying. Oh, god." He sits up, his face falling into his cupped hands. "I was such a dumbass."
"But I know he likes you, Kendall," Carlos says. "I just know it."
"How am I supposed to ever face him again?" It doesn't help that Kendall can't just turn off his attraction to Logan like a light switch. He's still thinking about his dimples, his hair, that goofy grin he gets when he plays and his laugh and his stupid smart musical theories and the way he walks and blushes and ugh.
Shut up, brain, Kendall thinks.
"Maybe he's actually in love with me," James says.
Kendall is about to let him have it when he notices James' tentative smile, one of the genuine, real ones, the one that always makes Kendall feel better.
"I think we need a group hug," Carlos says, and Kendall thinks that's an outstanding idea. So he fights his way out of the bean bag and lets James and Carlos get him in a sandwich hug. It helps. It holds him together.
"Something still doesn't seem right," James adds, once they've let go of each other. "I'm going to find out what it is."
-L-
Logan is stressed beyond stressed. He's almost done with his finals - just one more tomorrow - but he's stretched to the limit. His brain feels like it's about to start leaking out his ears, and all day he swears he's smelled something burning. Not to mention the band has their first real gig coming up on Christmas Eve. Logan wanted to tell the guys he thinks it's a bad idea; he likes to be overly prepared for things, and they've only been playing together just short of two months. They wouldn't hear it. They don't even have a name yet, right now just calling themselves "The Guys". Lame, if you ask Logan.
Everything is getting on his nerves, including Camille. He still feels a little guilty about ditching her so soon after their comp final, but he needs a few minutes to just veg out, maybe watch some mindless television. If he has to memorize one more word, he might throw up alphabet soup.
He turns on his TV and falls on his bed, thinking a nap wouldn't be the worst idea. Not bothering to change the channel, Logan turns on the captioning just as some cheesy talk show guy is announcing a rough looking dude with a mullet is "not the father". Logan laughs and really hopes these people aren't real.
Just about to drift off, the lights in his dorm room flash indicating there's someone at the door. Logan, thinking it has to be Camille (no one else has ever come to his room), sighs and just waits for her to barge in like normal. A few moments pass and the lights flash again. Confused, he groans and rolls out of bed to answer the door.
He's more than a little surprised to see James standing there, and instead of greeting him or asking how he is doing, Logan just says, "How did you know where I live?"
"Hi, Logan, how are ya, buddy? Your dorm is high tech with a buzzer on the door and all." James pushes past Logan into his room without being invited, smiling brightly, yet Logan can tell he's up to something.
"Um, I'm okay. Trying to rest up between finals. But, hey, really, how do you know which dorm I'm in?"
"Oh, yeah," James answers, holding up a folder. "You left this. It has 'Property of Logan Mitchell' in the front cover and all your other personal address-y stuff. I thought I'd be nice and bring it over." He slaps the folder to Logan's chest and stares around the room.
"Thanks? But I meant to leave this over at your house. It has a lot of music and stuff I wrote for the band," Logan answers, growing dubious over James' excuse. He's not stupid; he knows James, Kendall and Carlos are curious about him, understandably.
"Oh, you're watching Maury?" James chuckles. "I love this show." He seats himself on the edge of Logan's bed and settles in like he's staying for awhile.
"Not that I mind you coming for a visit, James, but-"
"Hey, why do you have the words at the bottom of the screen?"
"Oh, I, uh, was about to take a nap so I muted the TV and those come on automatic-"
"The TV isn't muted," James answers, a confused and somewhat suspicious look crossing his face.
"Hey, your hair looks really good today," Logan replies.
"Really? Wow, thanks, Logan. You know, I've always liked you. You're really smart and stuff. Wait." James points at Logan. "You're trying to change the subject."
"James, did you need something? I don't mean to be rude, but I'm exhausted and would really like a nap." Logan sits in the desk chair by the bed and runs his hands through his hair, squirming under James' scrutiny. He's starting to get warm, so he stands right back up to adjust the thermostat, picks up the remote and turns off the traitorous TV. This can't be happening. Out of all the guys, Logan would've tagged James as the least perceptive. Guess he was wrong.
"Yeah. There you go being all smart, and I thought I was being slick with the whole 'returning your folder' thing," James says, fingers in the air making quotations. His smile fades and he lowers his chin. "I wanted to talk to you about Kendall."
"Kendall? Why? Is he okay? Does he need help?"
"Oh, yeah, Kendall needs all kinds of help, his wardrobe being the most important. Plaid is so '90s grunge, you know? I keep telling him -"
"James?" Logan prods, trying to get the pretty guy on track.
"Right, sorry. I was just wondering why you'd ignore Kendall when he was trying to be all honest and stuff."
"Huh?"
"You know, this weekend when he asked you out and -"
"Ask me out where?" Logan interrupts. What the hell is James on about? Logan is pretty damn certain he would remember Kendall asking him out. Especially if it's on a date like he thinks James is implying. True, Logan doesn't know how he would react to such a question, probably stammer and stutter out some kind of excuse and say no. How could he not? Kendall is so -
"On, like, a date."
"No he didn't." Logan squints his eyes trying to recall anything he might've missed. It's a constant worry, trying to keep up with the conversation, at least enough so he can participate. The only time he can think of was when he was cleaning his drums and Kendall was playing the guitar and singing. Shit.
And fate can be such a bitch, because it's that moment the lights in Logan's room flash, the same alert Logan got when James was at the door. James looks at the special light above the entryway, the one that comes on extra bright when the buzzer is pressed.
Camille bursts in, waving her hands as she goes, signing, I saw that pretty guy from your band around campus and was wondering if you knew why he was-
She stops when she sees James sitting there. "And there he is," Camille says.
James looks at Logan several moments, the hammering of Logan's heart hard enough so that he feels it in his throat, his head. James' eyes narrow as he looks from Logan, to the light above the door, to the TV, to Camille's stilled hands.
"Logan," James starts, shock and realization and maybe a tiny bit of wonderment blossoming on his face, "are you deaf?"
Part 7
Genre: Big Time Rush - Drama / Romance
Pairings: Logan/Kendall
Details: Slash, AU
Rating: MA/NC17
Warnings: Adult situations (i.e. smut) at some point, mild angst, swearing
Status: WIP
Word Count: ~4200
Summary: An accident keeps Logan and his parents from moving to Minnesota. When Kendall and Logan meet years later, Kendall hears clear as a bell. Logan doesn't. "Sitting on a speaker instead of a drummer's throne, Logan turns up the bass, pounding out any bitterness he had let fester in his heart. He won't leave himself to rot, not anymore."
Masterlist
-K-
It turns out Logan is elusive as fuck. Oh, he'll talk to Kendall for ages about the music he loves, his favorite brand of equipment or whether The Who or Rush had the better drummer, but as soon as the conversation turns to anything more personal, he's quick to make up an excuse to stop talking.
A normal conversation between the two usually progresses something like this:
"You actually listen to folk music?" Logan might ask.
"Well, yeah. My mom listened to so much of the stuff while I was growing up it was either like it or be miserable."
"Yeah?"
"There are some awesome folk and folk-ish songs that everyone should know. Didn't your parents force you to listen to anything you grew to love?"
"Crap, I just remembered I have a biology test to study for. See ya next time we have practice, Kendall."
And then he's gone.
But Kendall is sneaky too, and Logan doesn't even realize how much the blond is learning about him simply from his music choices. For instance, Logan has never been in love and had his heart broken. Kendall is sure of it. Because all of Logan's favorites are these loud, fast-paced selections with lyrics far from love. Nothing hauntingly melodic or acoustic or sad.
Kendall's heart has been broken exactly two-and-a-half times. Once, by his father, a half turn by the kid across the street who never showed (Kendall only gives this a half since he never really had the kid to begin with), and once by Sherry Jeannette Graves in the seventh grade. The last was this giant of a girl who, at the time, was a good head taller than Kendall. She kicked his ass at basketball and could spit almost as far as he could. Damn, she was cool. He had the balls to kiss her cheek once. She slapped him, but Kendall wasn't dissuaded. When she moved at the end of the school year, Kendall listened to "Incomplete" by the Backstreet Boys on repeat for weeks. He still can't listen to that song without tearing up a little.
Kendall has also learned Logan doesn't like to wallow. He's always moving on, moving forward, looking two, three, four steps ahead. Kendall has noticed this not only from the music Logan likes, but from the way he handles himself during practices. If Carlos tries to whine over a messed up note, Logan pushes him through it. "Don't worry about it," Logan says. "You'll do it right this time." So Carlos does. When James goes diva and moans over his voice sounding pitchy, Logan politely tells him to get over it. It's like Logan is one of those crazy sweaters from the '80s and Kendall finds new colors the more he unwinds. At first glance, Logan is this meek little thing, but underneath is the determination of a bear.
The thing that drives Kendall crazy (the most) about Logan is Kendall is sure Logan is interested, at least a little, just from his mannerisms. There are unnecessary touches and long looks and flushed cheeks, but that's it. Maybe James was right. It's been a month, and Logan is still an enigma.
It only makes Kendall want Logan more.
-L-
"I don't know how much longer I can keep this up," Logan says, sitting at a corner table in the dining hall.
"Then tell them now," Camille replies, and she makes it sound so easy.
"It's not just that. That's a huge, huge part of it, but…" Logan stops, takes a long drink of water and ponders the cold broccoli on his plate.
Camille waves her hands in Logan's face to gain his attention. He looks to her reluctantly and stabs a spear of broccoli without glancing at it.
"But what?" she asks.
"I want to trust them, and I can't." Logan bites the head off the vegetable then throws his fork down in disgust, some at the soggy food, mostly at himself.
"And why is that?"
"Because they're going to feel sorry for me. And out of all the people in the whole world, I don't want those guys feeling sorry for me. I don't want them treating me different."
"But you're going to have to tell them, Logan, and to do that you have to trust they won't treat you different. The plan was never to keep this a secret forever."
"How do I do that? I just…don't…see how people blindly trust each other."
"What about Kendall?" Camille asks, an impish smile quirking her mouth.
"What about him?"
"You trust him."
Logan stares at her. How the hell does she figure him out so easily? How does she get down the core of things and just blurt thoughts that Logan has trouble even admitting in his own head?
"I might a little," he concedes. "I don't know anything about him though."
"Whose fault is that?" She points an accusing finger at Logan and stops talking for a moment, rifling through her salad. "So did he try to kiss you yet?" Camille asks, casually biting into a cherry tomato. Logan chokes on his water, coughing for several moments.
"Camille," Logan hisses, "it's not like that, okay? He's just…"
"Just…"
"…a really great guy. And I'm such a socially-awkward, anti-social weirdo. I don't even know what I'm doing." Logan crosses his arms on the table and hides his face between them.
Camille moves from being across from Logan to his side, drapes an arm across his shoulders and nudges him until he brings his head back up. "Why don't you try telling only him first?"
"But he's the one I want to tell the least."
"Maybe that's why you need to tell him the most," Camille replies.
She's wearing this purple eyeshadow today, and Logan can barely see the whites of her eyes against the full brown of her iris. Their faces are close, closer than they ever have been, and Logan can read the kindness, the concern from Camille as easily as he does sheet music. He might just be learning what it is to have people who aren't related by blood in his life, but he trusts Camille, no matter his trepidations.
"I don't know if I can," Logan replies, whispers.
"Sure you can. What are your plans for the break?"
"Well, we're having to skimp on practices the next few weeks. With finals coming up I need to study. So I agreed to stick around for Christmas so we can really go at it."
Camille quirks an eyebrow and grins. "Go at it, huh?"
Logan smiles and hides his face again, a blush darkening his cheeks. "Stop," he mumbles.
She hugs him, shaking him slightly until he looks at her again. "How are your parents feeling about spending Christmas without their little Logie Bear?"
Logan rolls his eyes and says, "My mom made me call her on the phone and talk just so she could hear my voice."
"Aw, that's so sweet."
"I felt dumb. I was basically just talking to myself, so I talked about K- the band."
Camille gives Logan one of those knowing looks that drive him crazy. "Do your parents know you're probably and or mostly gay?"
"Cam, you knew before I did, so no they don't." Logan isn't going through the discovery issues so many do as he come to terms with his sexuality. To him, a romantic relationship is such a foreign concept, he's not concerning himself. To Logan, it's just another thing that makes him different, another thing to keep to himself from anyone who doesn't need to know.
"You know I would've been claiming you as mine if I didn't have such excellent gaydar. Are you going to tell them?"
"One day? There's really nothing to tell right now." Logan sits up fully again and resumes poking at the food on his tray. He's not worried about how his parents will react, not really. True, they don't live in a very accepting place where he could walk around proclaiming he's gay, but he outgrew needing his parents approval when he learned to stand up for himself.
Mom and Dad's acceptance would be nice though.
"After the break there might be," Camille practically sings.
"Am I going to have to muzzle you?" Logan replies, fondly bumping Camille's shoulder with his own.
"I'd still have my hands!" She gives him a giggle and big grin before turning serious.
"Tell him over the break, Logan. The longer you wait the harder it'll be."
Worry pinches Logan's eyes, his mouth downturned in a frown. "I'll try."
-K-
Kendall decides to stop beating around the bush and tell Logan he'd like to know him better, maybe ask him out on a date.
Logan has been absent the last week, making sure he is fully prepped for his exams, and Kendall hates to admit how much he misses him. It's dumb, but Logan's presence brightens everything so much Kendall feels like a cloud lingers when he's gone. Kendall much prefers the sunshine.
They're able to work in a practice the weekend before Logan's finals. Kendall can tell Logan is tensed up over it, and it's not until they've been playing for an hour Logan smiles for the first time. It only makes Kendall more nervous; he's never asked a guy out before. His experience with asking girls out is limited. When they take a break from practice, Kendall pulls James outside to ask his advice. If there's anything James is good for, it should be tips on dating. He's certainly done it enough.
"I want to ask Logan out," Kendall says once he's made sure they're out of earshot.
"Ask him out where?" James asks, crossing his arms over his chest.
"You know, like, on a date?"
"I knew you liked him." James leans back and claps his hands together once, rubs them together. "Wait. Since when do you like dudes?"
"I don't know. Since Logan? Since forever? Does it matter?"
"Nah, just wondering, man. You guys have been flirting for weeks. So you're asking the master for help, huh? Wise decision, my friend."
"So could you stop patting yourself on the back and give me some advice?"
James gets a faraway look on his face and bites his lower lip; Kendall recognizes this easily as James' thinking face. Kendall gives him a moment before he gets impatient. "Well?"
"You should start by complimenting him."
"I already do that all the time."
"You always compliment his music. You need to say something nice about his face." James is extremely serious, places his hands on Kendall's shoulders.
"Okay. Then what?"
"Then you say, 'Logan, do you want to go out sometime?'"
"Wow." Kendall shrugs from James' hold, laughing his way back to the porch to go inside.
"What?" James exclaims, rushing after Kendall before he can enter the door.
"Nothing, James. Thanks for the advice," Kendall says, clear sarcasm coloring the words. James ignores it.
"You're welcome." James smiles as Kendall opens the screen door. "And, hey, Kendall?"
He turns back around. "Yeah?"
"Don't you dare scare him off. We need him. You said so yourself and you were right."
"Course I was right."
"And, hey, Kendall?"
Kendall sighs loudly, rolling his eyes and once again turning to James. "What?"
"Don't break his heart. I like the little guy."
"What about my heart?" Kendall protests.
"You've got us and you wear your heart on your sleeve, so Carlos and I don't have much trouble helping you fix it. I don't think Logan opens up much. It's hard to fix people like that."
James surprises Kendall with his perceptiveness sometimes. This is one of those times. Kendall wonders if it's almost a guarded warning. "I'll keep that in mind," he says.
"And, hey, Kendall?"
"Damn it, James," he laughs, "what now?"
James isn't smiling anymore. "Good luck, man."
-K-
They're done with practice, and it's almost two in the morning. It happens a lot, the time getting away from them. Logan warmed up considerably about midway through practice, but now he's looking dead on his feet. Kendall can just imagine him poring over the pages of written word the guy could've probably recited from memory to begin with. He imagines Logan is the kind of guy who pushes himself too hard sometimes; it's clear in the stress furrowing his brow once all the music has leaked from the room.
Carlos and James left the Pantry of Perfect Pitch as soon as they all called it quits. James must've had something to do with that, and Kendall appreciates it, except now he doesn't have a reason to back out and he's feeling so nervous he's almost sick and his palms are all sweaty.
Logan, despite his obvious exhaustion, is meticulously taking apart a snare and doing…something…to it. Kendall isn't sure what really, but Logan's pink tongue to poking out the corner of his mouth, and Kendall knows he'll combust if he puts this off anymore. So, from across the room, he says, "You have really nice eyes."
The other guy doesn't even look up, and Kendall decides he's going to smack James upside the head next time he sees him. He should've known better than to take advice from him.
After several awkward moments of silence, Logan looks up to see Kendall staring at him. Logan expels a tiny, tired laugh. "I'm sorry, Kendall, did you say something?"
"Uh, um, no. I didn't say anything." He wants to start mumbling to himself about how stupid he is, but instead picks up his guitar and sits on one of the barstools stationed in the practice room. Beginning to strum, Kendall pays close attention to his fingers, not chancing a glance in Logan's direction again. Instead he just starts talking.
"Hey, Logan, we've been spending an awful lot of time together, and I still don't know anything about you." He strums a few more chords, plucks a few single notes and waits to see if Logan will chime in. He doesn't, so Kendall continues. "I'd really like to change that. I know when we met, I said I wasn't hitting on you, and I kind of, really was, even though I didn't mean to. So, yeah, I was wondering if you might want to go out sometime? Just me and you?" Kendall takes a quick look in Logan's direction through his lashes, and the other guy is still just doing whatever he's been doing to the drum. "If I've totally misread the signals, please don't punch me in the face or quit."
Logan just completely ignores Kendall, doesn't even give him a cursory glimpse. And, damn if it doesn't hurt like a punch in the gut, the wind knocked right out of him. He'd expected maybe a polite No thanks, I'm not interested or Sorry, I'm totally straight or, maybe, hopefully, a Yeah, I'd love to! but not the absolute silent treatment. It's like this stupid idea Kendall had of Logan, of Logan and him, beginning some grand romantic love, the big kind, goes poof in a silent vapor. It feels all wrong, like the universe isn't keeping up its end.
"Sorry," Kendall mumbles, rising from the stool and putting his guitar back on the stand. "I won't mention it again."
He makes his way to the door, and Logan finally looks up. "See ya next practice, Kendall," he says, a normal smile on his face like nothing just happened.
"Yeah, see ya," Kendall replies, and he doesn't know whether to be offended or appreciative that Logan is pretending Kendall admitted nothing.
-K-
Once Logan leaves, James immediately starts asking Kendall how it went. Kendall is almost too brokenhearted and embarrassed to say anything, but James is his best friend.
"He totally ignored me," Kendall admits, plopping on one of the living room bean bags with a dejected huff. James sits up as straight as possible from his own chair, putting his elbows on his knees.
"That can't be right." James ponders things a moment, the air fraught with Kendall's downhearted vibes. "Wait. Did you compliment his face?"
"I said he had nice eyes," Kendall says, his cheeks heating at the remembrance of the awkward comment.
"Well, that's nice enough," James replies, once again going contemplative. It's about that time Carlos comes out of the bedroom.
"How'd it go?" Carlos asks. Kendall groans and covers his face, worms down further into the bean bag.
"James, dude, why'd you tell Carlos?"
"I didn't know it was a secret," James says. He has the sense to look regretful.
Kendall sighs, his hands moving to his face and rubbing his cheeks vigorously. "It wasn't. It's not. I'm just...disappointed." Disappointed is the biggest fucking understatement of the decade. He feels like he's been chewed up, digested and shit out by a T-Rex or something equally ferocious.
"He didn't say yes?" Carlos is genuinely confused, his lower lip jutting out in a pout.
"He didn't say anything," Kendall answers, wrapping his arms around his stomach as he remembers the way it dropped when Logan just sat there.
"Maybe he didn't hear you," James offers.
"I don't think he could've missed all the dumb shit I was saying. Oh, god." He sits up, his face falling into his cupped hands. "I was such a dumbass."
"But I know he likes you, Kendall," Carlos says. "I just know it."
"How am I supposed to ever face him again?" It doesn't help that Kendall can't just turn off his attraction to Logan like a light switch. He's still thinking about his dimples, his hair, that goofy grin he gets when he plays and his laugh and his stupid smart musical theories and the way he walks and blushes and ugh.
Shut up, brain, Kendall thinks.
"Maybe he's actually in love with me," James says.
Kendall is about to let him have it when he notices James' tentative smile, one of the genuine, real ones, the one that always makes Kendall feel better.
"I think we need a group hug," Carlos says, and Kendall thinks that's an outstanding idea. So he fights his way out of the bean bag and lets James and Carlos get him in a sandwich hug. It helps. It holds him together.
"Something still doesn't seem right," James adds, once they've let go of each other. "I'm going to find out what it is."
-L-
Logan is stressed beyond stressed. He's almost done with his finals - just one more tomorrow - but he's stretched to the limit. His brain feels like it's about to start leaking out his ears, and all day he swears he's smelled something burning. Not to mention the band has their first real gig coming up on Christmas Eve. Logan wanted to tell the guys he thinks it's a bad idea; he likes to be overly prepared for things, and they've only been playing together just short of two months. They wouldn't hear it. They don't even have a name yet, right now just calling themselves "The Guys". Lame, if you ask Logan.
Everything is getting on his nerves, including Camille. He still feels a little guilty about ditching her so soon after their comp final, but he needs a few minutes to just veg out, maybe watch some mindless television. If he has to memorize one more word, he might throw up alphabet soup.
He turns on his TV and falls on his bed, thinking a nap wouldn't be the worst idea. Not bothering to change the channel, Logan turns on the captioning just as some cheesy talk show guy is announcing a rough looking dude with a mullet is "not the father". Logan laughs and really hopes these people aren't real.
Just about to drift off, the lights in his dorm room flash indicating there's someone at the door. Logan, thinking it has to be Camille (no one else has ever come to his room), sighs and just waits for her to barge in like normal. A few moments pass and the lights flash again. Confused, he groans and rolls out of bed to answer the door.
He's more than a little surprised to see James standing there, and instead of greeting him or asking how he is doing, Logan just says, "How did you know where I live?"
"Hi, Logan, how are ya, buddy? Your dorm is high tech with a buzzer on the door and all." James pushes past Logan into his room without being invited, smiling brightly, yet Logan can tell he's up to something.
"Um, I'm okay. Trying to rest up between finals. But, hey, really, how do you know which dorm I'm in?"
"Oh, yeah," James answers, holding up a folder. "You left this. It has 'Property of Logan Mitchell' in the front cover and all your other personal address-y stuff. I thought I'd be nice and bring it over." He slaps the folder to Logan's chest and stares around the room.
"Thanks? But I meant to leave this over at your house. It has a lot of music and stuff I wrote for the band," Logan answers, growing dubious over James' excuse. He's not stupid; he knows James, Kendall and Carlos are curious about him, understandably.
"Oh, you're watching Maury?" James chuckles. "I love this show." He seats himself on the edge of Logan's bed and settles in like he's staying for awhile.
"Not that I mind you coming for a visit, James, but-"
"Hey, why do you have the words at the bottom of the screen?"
"Oh, I, uh, was about to take a nap so I muted the TV and those come on automatic-"
"The TV isn't muted," James answers, a confused and somewhat suspicious look crossing his face.
"Hey, your hair looks really good today," Logan replies.
"Really? Wow, thanks, Logan. You know, I've always liked you. You're really smart and stuff. Wait." James points at Logan. "You're trying to change the subject."
"James, did you need something? I don't mean to be rude, but I'm exhausted and would really like a nap." Logan sits in the desk chair by the bed and runs his hands through his hair, squirming under James' scrutiny. He's starting to get warm, so he stands right back up to adjust the thermostat, picks up the remote and turns off the traitorous TV. This can't be happening. Out of all the guys, Logan would've tagged James as the least perceptive. Guess he was wrong.
"Yeah. There you go being all smart, and I thought I was being slick with the whole 'returning your folder' thing," James says, fingers in the air making quotations. His smile fades and he lowers his chin. "I wanted to talk to you about Kendall."
"Kendall? Why? Is he okay? Does he need help?"
"Oh, yeah, Kendall needs all kinds of help, his wardrobe being the most important. Plaid is so '90s grunge, you know? I keep telling him -"
"James?" Logan prods, trying to get the pretty guy on track.
"Right, sorry. I was just wondering why you'd ignore Kendall when he was trying to be all honest and stuff."
"Huh?"
"You know, this weekend when he asked you out and -"
"Ask me out where?" Logan interrupts. What the hell is James on about? Logan is pretty damn certain he would remember Kendall asking him out. Especially if it's on a date like he thinks James is implying. True, Logan doesn't know how he would react to such a question, probably stammer and stutter out some kind of excuse and say no. How could he not? Kendall is so -
"On, like, a date."
"No he didn't." Logan squints his eyes trying to recall anything he might've missed. It's a constant worry, trying to keep up with the conversation, at least enough so he can participate. The only time he can think of was when he was cleaning his drums and Kendall was playing the guitar and singing. Shit.
And fate can be such a bitch, because it's that moment the lights in Logan's room flash, the same alert Logan got when James was at the door. James looks at the special light above the entryway, the one that comes on extra bright when the buzzer is pressed.
Camille bursts in, waving her hands as she goes, signing, I saw that pretty guy from your band around campus and was wondering if you knew why he was-
She stops when she sees James sitting there. "And there he is," Camille says.
James looks at Logan several moments, the hammering of Logan's heart hard enough so that he feels it in his throat, his head. James' eyes narrow as he looks from Logan, to the light above the door, to the TV, to Camille's stilled hands.
"Logan," James starts, shock and realization and maybe a tiny bit of wonderment blossoming on his face, "are you deaf?"
Part 7