(no subject)
i have been so happy this week. everything was going right. i had what i've wanted for a long time in my arms to hold me tight. omg. it was unbelievable. i cannot explain how happy he makes me to just be there and hold me and make me feel wanted. that's why i like him so much. he makes me forget all my problems and all my respnsablities (to an extent) and allows me to just be happy. free. i guess. it's so strange.
and friday happened.
started out great like nothing could wipe the shy smile off my face. then around fourth period...i see them holding hands...hmm, that wasn't the way of it this morning...so i run to shannon and amanda and they keep me. thank god for them right. all in an instant i felt lied to, maybe again. maybe not. i knew in my mind (and shannon can atest) that something would go wrong and i'd be hurt. here it was. the moment of truth they say. this must have been when rob "saw me cry over him today." after the bell rang and gained my composure back i walked into the room feeling indifferent. seriously. i wasn't sad at all. i felt...normal and just normal. i got inside and laughed everything away and wasn't even hurt. becuase i psyched myself out for this. i knew it would happen the whole time. maybe that's why. well then as i sat simmering fifth period ready to scream with amanda at my side, my coach, lol, he wasn't there and even more strange, i saw shannon walking with her. after school was a mess as i held her in her arms while she cried just needing a friend. for 3 hours. yea guys us hugging. you can pinch yourself now cause you're not dreaming. i tried it all and i'm horrible at sympathy but ok with companionship. and then other things went wrong that night. and remember what i said about what i think of you... i'll try and keep your promise but do you know how much my subconscious will work overtime on selfishness. i have so many feelings for you and i know you can't understand that or why. and i know that you cannot feel the same way but it doesn't matter anymore because i cannot think about myself. i can only think of you and her now. this hurts. a lot. strangly enough i haven't cried. i have to loose you again. choking that down still hasn't made me cry. god i know you can amount to so much more than this just please stick it out. except what you have done and move on realistically, not immaturly. i know you can do that. if you can't do this for me, do it for her. please? i'm gonna be here for you always because i love you as a great friend. please don't make me loose you completly.