(no subject)
I have the sudden urge to write. As the holidays, and seemingly wedding season for Florida, are upon us, it's been hard to reach people. My mind has been filling up with thoughts, and with everyone being so busy, I have no where to release them. I've had more free time lately than usual. Too much time, and nothing to do are surely the cause of my stressed mind. Normally, I would attempt to keep busy myself and exercise, read, draw, or something of the like. I seem to find myself in a bit of a funk, however, and lacking motivation to do any of those things. So, here I sit, plagued by my racing mind.
In just the course of this year, my emotions have been a hurricane. With family, relationships, friends, my home life, and my fight with myself.
The things weighing most heavily currently are those fights. That fight to keep pushing for what I want professionally, and the fight to stand up for myself and demand what I know I deserve personally in my relationships.
This hunt to find a new job has been exhausting to say the least. I'm nearly at a loss. It's been 2 years that I've been searching and I feel completely defeated. I'm on the verge of losing all hope, honestly. While I understand it's business and not personal, it's impossible not to take 20+ job rejections personally. Is it me? Is it my work? I'm never really certain. The only upside I'm finding is that I seem to be giving fewer fucks about the interview process. It no longer makes me all that nervous. I'm still professional, but I'm discovering that the design industry is quite casual more often than not, so that allows me to feel more comfortable and able to be myself a little bit. I can't tell you how many times I've shown up in a pencil skirt and heels only to meet a dude in a t-shirt and jeans. The only thing I can possibly conclude is that my portfolio lacks variety. Many of my displayed works are MY favorites, which are primarily illustrations and logos. I need to show more. So, as a last effort, I'm going to change my site again. Something I can change and update more efficiently. After that, I have nothing. I've changed my clothes, my attitude, tapped into a confidence I didn't know I had, admittedly used the skills I've acquired flirting with strangers at the bar, updated my logo, resume, business cards and website. I don't know what else to do except show that I have the capabilities to span industries successfully. That yes, I can made a cool illustrated band poster, but that I can also design and format a corporate document.
I still can't seem to wrap my head around how or why things in life seem to take me so much longer to accomplish than others. From learning to know and love myself, to financial stability, to finding my niche along my career path. I'm 30 years old and still only in the beginning stages of these things.
Something weighing incredibly heavy on my heart as of late is my relationship with Kyle. We've been back and forth and up and down with each other. We've loved hard and hurt each other harder, yet despite all the differences between us and everything trying to tear us apart, including I believe our own self-doubts, here we are, together again. It's been both wonderful and sickening. I don't know if I trust him to not leave me for another woman again, and I don't think he trusts me to not cheat on him again. I can FEEL his reluctance. I feel it in his kiss, his words, I can read it in his texts. It hurts. All of our friends keep telling us to let each other go, that we're better off friends, if anything. I don't want to though. I want to believe that everything we've been through was a test to see what we could endure. That love overcame it all in the end. I'm a hopeless romantic, what can I say. I want to make an active effort to listen more, try to be understanding and supportive, not let the little things upset me, and above all, to communicate my feelings more effectively. These are things I've not been very good at in the past and that I'd like to work hard to become better at. Even if we fail again, at least I'll know that I put my best foot forward this time, that I was ready, excited, and genuinely tried.
In just the course of this year, my emotions have been a hurricane. With family, relationships, friends, my home life, and my fight with myself.
The things weighing most heavily currently are those fights. That fight to keep pushing for what I want professionally, and the fight to stand up for myself and demand what I know I deserve personally in my relationships.
This hunt to find a new job has been exhausting to say the least. I'm nearly at a loss. It's been 2 years that I've been searching and I feel completely defeated. I'm on the verge of losing all hope, honestly. While I understand it's business and not personal, it's impossible not to take 20+ job rejections personally. Is it me? Is it my work? I'm never really certain. The only upside I'm finding is that I seem to be giving fewer fucks about the interview process. It no longer makes me all that nervous. I'm still professional, but I'm discovering that the design industry is quite casual more often than not, so that allows me to feel more comfortable and able to be myself a little bit. I can't tell you how many times I've shown up in a pencil skirt and heels only to meet a dude in a t-shirt and jeans. The only thing I can possibly conclude is that my portfolio lacks variety. Many of my displayed works are MY favorites, which are primarily illustrations and logos. I need to show more. So, as a last effort, I'm going to change my site again. Something I can change and update more efficiently. After that, I have nothing. I've changed my clothes, my attitude, tapped into a confidence I didn't know I had, admittedly used the skills I've acquired flirting with strangers at the bar, updated my logo, resume, business cards and website. I don't know what else to do except show that I have the capabilities to span industries successfully. That yes, I can made a cool illustrated band poster, but that I can also design and format a corporate document.
I still can't seem to wrap my head around how or why things in life seem to take me so much longer to accomplish than others. From learning to know and love myself, to financial stability, to finding my niche along my career path. I'm 30 years old and still only in the beginning stages of these things.
Something weighing incredibly heavy on my heart as of late is my relationship with Kyle. We've been back and forth and up and down with each other. We've loved hard and hurt each other harder, yet despite all the differences between us and everything trying to tear us apart, including I believe our own self-doubts, here we are, together again. It's been both wonderful and sickening. I don't know if I trust him to not leave me for another woman again, and I don't think he trusts me to not cheat on him again. I can FEEL his reluctance. I feel it in his kiss, his words, I can read it in his texts. It hurts. All of our friends keep telling us to let each other go, that we're better off friends, if anything. I don't want to though. I want to believe that everything we've been through was a test to see what we could endure. That love overcame it all in the end. I'm a hopeless romantic, what can I say. I want to make an active effort to listen more, try to be understanding and supportive, not let the little things upset me, and above all, to communicate my feelings more effectively. These are things I've not been very good at in the past and that I'd like to work hard to become better at. Even if we fail again, at least I'll know that I put my best foot forward this time, that I was ready, excited, and genuinely tried.