(no subject)
Nothing
Nothing can keep me from loving you,
Not fire, no, not ice.
- Ben Harper: Not Fire, Not Ice
The surface is cool to my forehead as I pressed lightly against the window. Readjusting my posture in the seat, I notice the smudge left by my skin on the glass. My blue eyes fade gray under the blanket of clouds discoloring the winter sky. I sigh deeply.
The people on the bus stare ahead, glassy eyes focused on their inner thoughts, ideas tumbling through their minds. A girl whispers to her friend - something about classes and professors. Sniffles and the low chug of a diesel engine fill the cabin of the coach. I sniffle behind a gloved hand.
Stop to stop, we move along, always in a circular motion. Like a clock running backwards trying to catch up on time, we go nowhere. Regardless of the mileage racked up by the coach, the bus only gets us so far and then we have to take matters into our own hands.
We may see mileage, but we fail to see the distance.
- - - - -
Distance...is a funny thing. Like a virus, it attacks your heart and leaves you susceptible to other hazards. You had better hope your white blood cell count is up, or you'll succumb to the disease. You'll find distance eating its way into all your thoughts, destroying the love you've built so precisely. If you aren't careful, you'll find yourself missing everything that you were sure made you who you are.
Last week, in a self-initiated bout of doubt, distance attempted to devour my sanity. Its filmy cloud began to swirl in my mind like fresh oil on a puddle of water, removing any clarity from the surface. Suddenly, it was impossible to breathe or see and I was suffocating myself in my own remorse and sadness. The effect was crippling; a new weakness derived in my heart settled in my knees and forced me to crawl once again.
Everyone has weaknesses. It's the exploitation of those weaknesses that seriously paralyze your ability to reason. When reason fails, it is similar to one's brain shutting down. A sort of blindness ensues where you find yourself frail and clambering for support rails that fail to materialize in your mind. You trip over cracks in sidewalks you otherwise knew to avoid. It becomes a terrible downward spiral into a world of disillusion and fear. If you're not strong enough to recognize the problem, you'll throw away everything you meant to protect.
Luckily, I skipped this step last week. I have a tendency to get caught in the emotional riptides of self-doubt and find myself scraping at the sand for rocks to which I would cling. Eventually, I find my legs kicking in the water and I am swimming again, cursing my ignorance and absolution of sensibility.
I am madly in love. There is no doubt in my mind this is the great love of my life. What threw me into fits of anxiety and tension last week stemmed from the knot of fear binding tighter in my stomach. I was so afraid that the love we both possess is not real because of its intensity...odd, I know. How can something be so amazing, so fantastic, so empowering.
I eventually realized there was nothing to fear. His eyes yield the truth behind his words. His breath leaves contracts on my skin. His touch ensures his promises. Isaiah loves me back; completely requited.
I just had to stop doubting myself to stop doubting love. Love. That. Is. Real. Can always be good.
Nothing can keep me from loving you,
Not fire, no, not ice.
- Ben Harper: Not Fire, Not Ice
The surface is cool to my forehead as I pressed lightly against the window. Readjusting my posture in the seat, I notice the smudge left by my skin on the glass. My blue eyes fade gray under the blanket of clouds discoloring the winter sky. I sigh deeply.
The people on the bus stare ahead, glassy eyes focused on their inner thoughts, ideas tumbling through their minds. A girl whispers to her friend - something about classes and professors. Sniffles and the low chug of a diesel engine fill the cabin of the coach. I sniffle behind a gloved hand.
Stop to stop, we move along, always in a circular motion. Like a clock running backwards trying to catch up on time, we go nowhere. Regardless of the mileage racked up by the coach, the bus only gets us so far and then we have to take matters into our own hands.
We may see mileage, but we fail to see the distance.
- - - - -
Distance...is a funny thing. Like a virus, it attacks your heart and leaves you susceptible to other hazards. You had better hope your white blood cell count is up, or you'll succumb to the disease. You'll find distance eating its way into all your thoughts, destroying the love you've built so precisely. If you aren't careful, you'll find yourself missing everything that you were sure made you who you are.
Last week, in a self-initiated bout of doubt, distance attempted to devour my sanity. Its filmy cloud began to swirl in my mind like fresh oil on a puddle of water, removing any clarity from the surface. Suddenly, it was impossible to breathe or see and I was suffocating myself in my own remorse and sadness. The effect was crippling; a new weakness derived in my heart settled in my knees and forced me to crawl once again.
Everyone has weaknesses. It's the exploitation of those weaknesses that seriously paralyze your ability to reason. When reason fails, it is similar to one's brain shutting down. A sort of blindness ensues where you find yourself frail and clambering for support rails that fail to materialize in your mind. You trip over cracks in sidewalks you otherwise knew to avoid. It becomes a terrible downward spiral into a world of disillusion and fear. If you're not strong enough to recognize the problem, you'll throw away everything you meant to protect.
Luckily, I skipped this step last week. I have a tendency to get caught in the emotional riptides of self-doubt and find myself scraping at the sand for rocks to which I would cling. Eventually, I find my legs kicking in the water and I am swimming again, cursing my ignorance and absolution of sensibility.
I am madly in love. There is no doubt in my mind this is the great love of my life. What threw me into fits of anxiety and tension last week stemmed from the knot of fear binding tighter in my stomach. I was so afraid that the love we both possess is not real because of its intensity...odd, I know. How can something be so amazing, so fantastic, so empowering.
I eventually realized there was nothing to fear. His eyes yield the truth behind his words. His breath leaves contracts on my skin. His touch ensures his promises. Isaiah loves me back; completely requited.
I just had to stop doubting myself to stop doubting love. Love. That. Is. Real. Can always be good.