mutha fuckin liveee journal!!!
okay okay okay OKAY OKAAY OKAYYY ITS been foooooooooorever! wTf i'm sooo sorry! I used to write in this every mother fuckin day since i was 18. I'll be 22 in a few weeks and damn, thats a while. So lets see lets see...
I'm currently rockin out to some phat Dnb... ooo yeah, good morrrning sunshine.
I was plannin on leaving in a few days to go up north and hit up some festivals, see my friends, and celebrate my birthday before the end of the summer. Unfortunately I got fired from my job last week and thats kinda put me in a hole with the money I was gonna take with me. I have enough to get up there... but Then what? I don't know, I just feel like going on a life adventure. Fuckkk. I love Florida, but i don't like the people. I haven't really made any *real* chill friends yet. I thought I did... but, I was sadddly saddddly mistaken. OH well, it happens. I don't get surprised easily.
So, why have I stopped writing? I really shouldn't have. It indefinably helps me organize my thoughts. I think I've been really lost, so lost that I've closed up even to myself. Wow. Now thats when you know you have a problem. When you can't even think about your own problems to yourself, typed on a screen. Man, guess I need some help.
I've been really lonely lately. It sucks. I'm so Jaded when it comes to love. I want it yet I hate it so badly. I see a boyfriend and girlfriend sitting at the seven eleven and I get the sudden urge to scream or stab myself or stab them, you know, go nuts, its insane. I just want someone to love me! The relationship I just went through the past two years taught me a lot. What sucks is that I still fucking miss him, even hearing about him fucking someone else makes me depressed for a week. Will I ever get over this? will I ever find someone to put light back in my life. Everything feels so stale now. does that make sense to anyone? will anyone even read this? Ha who cares. I can read it and think and critique on myself. Thats the beauty of a journal I suppose.
From not writing, I feel there are spiderwebs in my brain. I'm slowly brushing the cobwebs off, trying to dust. Its not an easy task. I think I've put everything into just listening to music. I crave constant intriguing beats all of the time. With no music, I don't smile. Music is where I meet my friends.
If I planned out my life, I probably wouldn't have the problems I have now... drugs, fake people, money issues... but I was never much of a planner. I think I go on everyday hoping someone will eventually drop out of the sky and pull me out of my spiral. Foolish, yes, but hey its me, what can I say? This, this is what I can say.
I am always drawn to the anomaly of the norm. I don't know if thats one of my flaws, or if it is a talent i have. Its perception, I suppose. Everything is perception. I've always said that.
I woke up today at 12, seems to be the time I wake up everyday now. I looked outside and prayed for rain. Now its pouring and thundering, and I have a date. I wanted to wear my new skirt but now its so crappy outside I don't want to. I'm in this box lately where the odds just work against me. Its not a problem what I just said, just an example thats whats happening in my life right now. I got a fucking ticket the other night for going down a one way for less than a second, it just so happens there were 5 cop cars sitting there, just my luck right? I was a little buzzed too, I'm not so sure I would have passed the test if they gave me a DUI test. Everything looks the same in this damn grid down here! maybe if I was with someone they woulda been like "Cara, thats a one way" but since I go out by myself alllll the time, I'm always at risk. Man, I hate to sound so bitter and stupid because theres so much more to life, but I feel lost... again. hahhhhh Maybe that will NEVER change.
I despise those types of people that are so ignorant they have no idea they are ignorant. You offer them your unconditional loving friendship, and what do they do? Piss on it. Run it over with a truck of lies and rumors. This is why I just don't hand my love out to just anyone. I get very offended when someone doesn't see my realness. It really is their loss, and if they are that stupid, then I don't really need their petty friendship to begin with.
(what are friends? friends are people that you think are your friends, but they really your enemy's with secret identities and disguises, to hide they true colors So just when you think you close enough to be brothers they wanna come back and cut your throat when you ain't lookin)
Eminem couldn't have said it any better. I remember bumping that cd when I was in high school over and over and over and over and over again. That man was responsible for something in my life, not exactly sure what to say yet, but definetly something.
Ummm yeahh as for that last entree I wrote, its okay, stalk me, your right, i love it. Actually, why not be friends, I'm a much better friend than person to stalk. And my sister told me that you were stalking me... not my buddy D.
I'm trying not to eat. I hate fat.
Well I miss you livejournal friends, hit me back, bc i am back. I'm gonna try and do this more often, its very therapeutic for me.
I'm currently rockin out to some phat Dnb... ooo yeah, good morrrning sunshine.
I was plannin on leaving in a few days to go up north and hit up some festivals, see my friends, and celebrate my birthday before the end of the summer. Unfortunately I got fired from my job last week and thats kinda put me in a hole with the money I was gonna take with me. I have enough to get up there... but Then what? I don't know, I just feel like going on a life adventure. Fuckkk. I love Florida, but i don't like the people. I haven't really made any *real* chill friends yet. I thought I did... but, I was sadddly saddddly mistaken. OH well, it happens. I don't get surprised easily.
So, why have I stopped writing? I really shouldn't have. It indefinably helps me organize my thoughts. I think I've been really lost, so lost that I've closed up even to myself. Wow. Now thats when you know you have a problem. When you can't even think about your own problems to yourself, typed on a screen. Man, guess I need some help.
I've been really lonely lately. It sucks. I'm so Jaded when it comes to love. I want it yet I hate it so badly. I see a boyfriend and girlfriend sitting at the seven eleven and I get the sudden urge to scream or stab myself or stab them, you know, go nuts, its insane. I just want someone to love me! The relationship I just went through the past two years taught me a lot. What sucks is that I still fucking miss him, even hearing about him fucking someone else makes me depressed for a week. Will I ever get over this? will I ever find someone to put light back in my life. Everything feels so stale now. does that make sense to anyone? will anyone even read this? Ha who cares. I can read it and think and critique on myself. Thats the beauty of a journal I suppose.
From not writing, I feel there are spiderwebs in my brain. I'm slowly brushing the cobwebs off, trying to dust. Its not an easy task. I think I've put everything into just listening to music. I crave constant intriguing beats all of the time. With no music, I don't smile. Music is where I meet my friends.
If I planned out my life, I probably wouldn't have the problems I have now... drugs, fake people, money issues... but I was never much of a planner. I think I go on everyday hoping someone will eventually drop out of the sky and pull me out of my spiral. Foolish, yes, but hey its me, what can I say? This, this is what I can say.
I am always drawn to the anomaly of the norm. I don't know if thats one of my flaws, or if it is a talent i have. Its perception, I suppose. Everything is perception. I've always said that.
I woke up today at 12, seems to be the time I wake up everyday now. I looked outside and prayed for rain. Now its pouring and thundering, and I have a date. I wanted to wear my new skirt but now its so crappy outside I don't want to. I'm in this box lately where the odds just work against me. Its not a problem what I just said, just an example thats whats happening in my life right now. I got a fucking ticket the other night for going down a one way for less than a second, it just so happens there were 5 cop cars sitting there, just my luck right? I was a little buzzed too, I'm not so sure I would have passed the test if they gave me a DUI test. Everything looks the same in this damn grid down here! maybe if I was with someone they woulda been like "Cara, thats a one way" but since I go out by myself alllll the time, I'm always at risk. Man, I hate to sound so bitter and stupid because theres so much more to life, but I feel lost... again. hahhhhh Maybe that will NEVER change.
I despise those types of people that are so ignorant they have no idea they are ignorant. You offer them your unconditional loving friendship, and what do they do? Piss on it. Run it over with a truck of lies and rumors. This is why I just don't hand my love out to just anyone. I get very offended when someone doesn't see my realness. It really is their loss, and if they are that stupid, then I don't really need their petty friendship to begin with.
(what are friends? friends are people that you think are your friends, but they really your enemy's with secret identities and disguises, to hide they true colors So just when you think you close enough to be brothers they wanna come back and cut your throat when you ain't lookin)
Eminem couldn't have said it any better. I remember bumping that cd when I was in high school over and over and over and over and over again. That man was responsible for something in my life, not exactly sure what to say yet, but definetly something.
Ummm yeahh as for that last entree I wrote, its okay, stalk me, your right, i love it. Actually, why not be friends, I'm a much better friend than person to stalk. And my sister told me that you were stalking me... not my buddy D.
I'm trying not to eat. I hate fat.
Well I miss you livejournal friends, hit me back, bc i am back. I'm gonna try and do this more often, its very therapeutic for me.