no.
i sometimes joke about death a lot but things like this make me realize that death isnt funny at all. it hasnt even sunk in yet that theyre gone. i didnt even know them, maybe spoken to them a few times, but it doesnt matter, because theyre gone. and no one can do anything. i hate that all we can do is sit around and think about how theyre dead. no matter how much you hope or pray and cry, thats it. and theres nothing you can do about the pain their families and friends are feeling. no words can change what happens, nothing can bring them back, and thats the only thing that will stop the pain. i feel like i cant even breath and i want to throw up just thinking about it, but i cant even cry. because i dont want to believe its true. i wish i could take all the pain away from their parents and younger siblings and store it up inside myself because they dont deserve it and because i want it. maybe all the collected pain will overwhelm me and i wont be able to feel anything. i want to take it away from them but i cant because its not something you can take. its not something tangible, something limited. its an all encompassing feeling that stops everything, everything except for the slow tick of the clock, every second that passes is a second more that they arent here. i know it wont get better in a few weeks or in a month. it will takes years and even then, it will come back in sudden waves and there will be an emptiness and youll gasp for breath and think of fond memories, but its like theyre so far away. like they only ever existed in a dream. so i ask that you dont forget them and keep your families in your thoughts. im not sure what good praying will do, but if it helps their families, then ill do it anyway. and to all of my friends, i really dont know what id do without you. i know i usually act really insensitive and distant, but you are the most amazing people i know and if i didnt have you guys i wouldnt know how to function. because when im completely unable to function, youre always there, even in my most irritating moods. because without you, it wouldnt be worth it because i wouldnt have anyone to sit with in silence and just be. i wouldnt have anywhere to go. because you guys make up my world i want you to remember that. even when im yelling at you for being stupid and i mean it. because underneath all of that, i think youre beautiful.