Time For Another Update
I'm not sure how long its been since my last entry but since I am actually home from work at a decent hour tonight and am not dead tired like I have been for the past week and a half, I figured it was time for another one. I'm all unpacked and moved into grandmas and have started working. I pretty much have a full time schedule which rocks because I also got a 50 cent raise. I know that doesnt sound like much but I've been with the same company for 12yrs now so I think I deserve some compensation. The only down side to working is that my back and ankle have started bothering me again. I think I reaggravated my ankle helping Chris move out of school but I'm not sure. I have an appointment with the orthopeadic doctors at the end of June. Until then its taking pain killers and trying to stay off my feet as much as possible which with my job sometimes seems nearly impossible. Things with grandma are the same as they always are......she was nice to me while Chris was around but once he left she became the bitch that shes been since my grandfather died 5 years ago. She's always talking about me in a bad way to my mom and my other family members behind my back. Once again its as if nothing I EVER do will EVER be good enough. Not even making the Presidents List at school the semester before last could make them proud of me. According to them, I've made sooo many mistakes in the past and they just cant seem to let it go. I'm the "ugly duckling" or "black sheep" of the family and I guess I always will be. My little cousins who are 6 and 9 are like my grandmothers pride and joy. Its as if they can do no wrong. She is ALWAYS talking about and bragging to other people about them, but does she ever say anything GOOD about me?? NO!!!!! Its always about how lazy I am or how I am messing up my life by dating Chris or how fat I am and need to lose weight. I tried talking to my mom about it tonight and she pretended to care but shes been known to talk about me too. My Aunt Barbara and Uncle Mark took us to Olive Garden tonight for an early Mothers Day celebration and no one even talked to me the whole time we were at dinner, even though they havent seen me in a year or more. Before today, I wasnt even invited. They were gonna leave me at home and go by themselves until my Uncle Mark said it was only fair that I come too. Still, I will NEVER fit in and will NEVER be good enough. I guess thats just something I have to face. I hope that I NEVER treat my kids and grandkids the way that my family has treated me. It hurts so much and they dont see it. When you try talking to them about it they make excuses or just brush it off as usual, my feelings dont matter. "They're only doing it because they love me" is what they tell me. I've been made to feel bad because I am 27 and still in college, have little to no money and couldnt buy my mom or grandma a Mothers Day card or anything. One more way for me to be a big disappointment to the family. The thing is, I'm a mother too. My daughter may not physically be here because she was taken away 6yrs ago by my abusive ex, but she is ALWAYS in my heart and on my mind. My family doesnt even acknowledge that or how I may be feeling tomorrow. They dont believe I should EVER be a parent and say they are glad that my child is dead and was taken away. I cant win. Anyway, sorry for the bitching tangent there but I needed to get some things off my chest. Grandma is even trying to find more and more ways to keep Chris and I apart this summer. It was brought to my attention tonight by my MOTHER (not my grandmother) that my grandmother will be charging me $5.00 a day in gas to take me too and from work. She doesnt even use that much to take me. The store is like 3 miles from her house!!! She keeps asking when Chris is coming and how much he is making at his new job etc. Its like she's totally against us spending any time together this summer because she knows that I'll have to spend some money. Its not like I pay for everything and he has done alot for me since I lost my job from being sick and having surgery until I could start working again but no one sees that. I might be the one working but I guess its not MY money to do with as I see fit. Yes I agree that I should give her some money for gas and that gas is expensive or at least can be, but I dont feel that I should have to pay for her to put gas in the car to cater to my little cousins and run her other errands. It just all makes me sooo mad and I wish I could get away from here but I have no where to go really. Chris is right.......I hate to say it but after the way my family has treated me for the majority of my life, I cant wait till the day he and I are married and on our own so that I can write my entire family off and pretend that they dont exsist like they've done with me for so long. Again, I hope I am a better mother, aunt and grandmother then I've grown up with. So many times I've wished that they could see all the hurt and pain and at least try to understand but every time I try to talk to them, they say I am overreacting and it all goes back to them and how they feel and what they want and need. I become the selfish one. Anyway, other than dealing with all of this and crying myself to sleep at night praying for a way out of all of this, nothing much else is going on. When I go to the ortho doctor in June I may be having back surgery again. I'm not sure exactly what he'll do but I want my back and my ankle for that matter to be healed as quickly and as safely as possible. My Cerebral Palsy is getting worse too which is some of the cause of the ankle and back pain. That is another thing my family doesnt realize. I'm actually lucky that I'm not fully bound to a wheelchair by now. They dont want to face reality that one day that most likely will happen because again its just one more disappointment. Truthfully I dont even want to face it but I've known for a while now that it was and is a possibility so I have to take things one day at a time and deal with whatever happens. I know you all are probably tired of reading this and some of you may think I'm even having a pity party )which I am not) so I will close here. Just wanted to let everyone know that I am indeed still around. Most of the time when I get home from work I dont get online till 11pm or so and I am dead tired so I dont have time for an update or comments. I'm off tomorrow thank goodness. The rest will hopefully do me some good. Anyway, Happy Mothers Day to all the mothers out there. Hope everyone is doing well. Until next time....