Settling For What I Have
I think a general update is needed here, as I haven't been saying much here.
WORK:
On a whole is pretty frustrating. I like some aspects, such as the team I have built and the client, but the larger things are starting to get in the way. The money is becomming an issue in view of the stress involved in my job. I have pinned myself to something I am worth much more than. I have fought harder to not care so much this time, but I have never been very good as a cold-hearted manager. I feel for my team. I have leaded them well, but know I have to leave them. I feel bad for them in respect to what will happen when I do. They are good people and don't deserve the horrible fate my management will bestow upon them when I do. My kindness is what has made them a good team and my replacement will sure to be a dictator. I have to look for my best interests here though. I am biding my time a little longer and will flee as soon as the opportunity presents itself.
BRISBANE:
Seeing Tall One:
I went to Brisbane in August for Honeybee's brother’s engagement party. Whilst I was there, I met up with Tall One. He and I were best friends for many years until his life went down a path too painful for me to witness. He did some truly horrific things to me that ripped apart the friendship. He had transformed into a monstrous version of a person I did not recognise. A few months ago, we found each other on the internet and he emailed me an account of his life now. He brought up our falling out in great detail and the remorse was very specific, sincere and deeply apologetic. I believed enough that I agreed to see him on my visit to Brisbane. I still wished to see if his eyes were as honest as his words appeared to be and despite all that happened, I never stopped caring for him. We met at a cafe in Brisbane with his partner, new baby boy and his brother. The change in him from our last meeting was unmistakable. He was the person who I was best friends with all those years ago, the true person he was. The burning of torture and disgust as to what he had done was clearly present and his words were thick with apology. He seemed extremely grateful that I consented to seeing him to allow him to make some kind of amends to what he had done. I couldn't deny his sincerity and was very happy to have seen him.
School Reunion:
I have another school reunion to attend to in November. It is the 15 year mark this time. This invitation list has increased to cover people that were in our class, but left before senior year. That brings out people that I am looking forward to seeing again and some I would gladly never wish to see again. I am bringing Honeybee with me to ease the anxiety of that. She knows a lot of the people attending, so it will be nice to share that with her.
FRIENDS:
I have been trying to see people and go out a lot more. I have limited it to small numbers and usually a lot of one-on-one time. I always have preferred having more intimate circles and enjoy the honesty of that without being hindered to hold back thoughts and ideas. Some of them have been going through some tough times, so it is nice to be able to converse with them in this way.
THE CRUSH:
I have still yet to silence my enthusiasm when we agree to go out somewhere. I have to focus to keep my excitement to a steadier pace when he walks in the room. It doesn't help that his brilliant smile lights up his face when he enters it. I have been dissecting his every word, look and manner towards me in great detail. I have so far concluded that he enjoys spending time with me. He voiced on our recent outing that he'd like to increase the frequency of our time together. It still surprises me on how eager he is to accept an invitation to go somewhere with me. With all the analysing and scrutinising, despite it all, I don’t think he sees me beyond a close friendship. I do not see this as a bad thing, as I thoroughly enjoy his company. I kind of like the fact that he is not in my normal circle of friends, not interconnected. It’s just us, like he’s just mine and the world outside is blurred for that moment. I have been in friendships many times before with the underlying want for more and have been able to keep that emotion simmering in the background successfully. Despite the mild ache that tweaks once in a while, I’d rather have this than nothing at all.
WORK:
On a whole is pretty frustrating. I like some aspects, such as the team I have built and the client, but the larger things are starting to get in the way. The money is becomming an issue in view of the stress involved in my job. I have pinned myself to something I am worth much more than. I have fought harder to not care so much this time, but I have never been very good as a cold-hearted manager. I feel for my team. I have leaded them well, but know I have to leave them. I feel bad for them in respect to what will happen when I do. They are good people and don't deserve the horrible fate my management will bestow upon them when I do. My kindness is what has made them a good team and my replacement will sure to be a dictator. I have to look for my best interests here though. I am biding my time a little longer and will flee as soon as the opportunity presents itself.
BRISBANE:
Seeing Tall One:
I went to Brisbane in August for Honeybee's brother’s engagement party. Whilst I was there, I met up with Tall One. He and I were best friends for many years until his life went down a path too painful for me to witness. He did some truly horrific things to me that ripped apart the friendship. He had transformed into a monstrous version of a person I did not recognise. A few months ago, we found each other on the internet and he emailed me an account of his life now. He brought up our falling out in great detail and the remorse was very specific, sincere and deeply apologetic. I believed enough that I agreed to see him on my visit to Brisbane. I still wished to see if his eyes were as honest as his words appeared to be and despite all that happened, I never stopped caring for him. We met at a cafe in Brisbane with his partner, new baby boy and his brother. The change in him from our last meeting was unmistakable. He was the person who I was best friends with all those years ago, the true person he was. The burning of torture and disgust as to what he had done was clearly present and his words were thick with apology. He seemed extremely grateful that I consented to seeing him to allow him to make some kind of amends to what he had done. I couldn't deny his sincerity and was very happy to have seen him.
School Reunion:
I have another school reunion to attend to in November. It is the 15 year mark this time. This invitation list has increased to cover people that were in our class, but left before senior year. That brings out people that I am looking forward to seeing again and some I would gladly never wish to see again. I am bringing Honeybee with me to ease the anxiety of that. She knows a lot of the people attending, so it will be nice to share that with her.
FRIENDS:
I have been trying to see people and go out a lot more. I have limited it to small numbers and usually a lot of one-on-one time. I always have preferred having more intimate circles and enjoy the honesty of that without being hindered to hold back thoughts and ideas. Some of them have been going through some tough times, so it is nice to be able to converse with them in this way.
THE CRUSH:
I have still yet to silence my enthusiasm when we agree to go out somewhere. I have to focus to keep my excitement to a steadier pace when he walks in the room. It doesn't help that his brilliant smile lights up his face when he enters it. I have been dissecting his every word, look and manner towards me in great detail. I have so far concluded that he enjoys spending time with me. He voiced on our recent outing that he'd like to increase the frequency of our time together. It still surprises me on how eager he is to accept an invitation to go somewhere with me. With all the analysing and scrutinising, despite it all, I don’t think he sees me beyond a close friendship. I do not see this as a bad thing, as I thoroughly enjoy his company. I kind of like the fact that he is not in my normal circle of friends, not interconnected. It’s just us, like he’s just mine and the world outside is blurred for that moment. I have been in friendships many times before with the underlying want for more and have been able to keep that emotion simmering in the background successfully. Despite the mild ache that tweaks once in a while, I’d rather have this than nothing at all.