Courage, don't desert me.
She said you've got the world all wrong
People change and
People wallow
Yeah she said you've got the world all wrong
Don't go drownin' in your sorrow
'Cause you won't be alone tomorrow.
Everything seems unbearably complicated and ridiculously simple. I am so... just tired.
I feel like I've been acting this whole time... I can't compete with the smartest girls in the entire school.. why the HELL am I in all honors/AP classes?
And soccer is INSANE... For once, I'm getting good. And I might have a shot at varsity next year as long as I keep it up. But things like.. puting me in a game for only 10 fucking minutes just makes me feel like its not worth it anymore. Like who am I trying to impress? And is it even about impressions or is it about preservirence and my desire to never give up on shit thats just not worth my time?
I feel like I've missed out on everything that makes people interesting and complex. That I'm kind of this blah person that just does shit for shit. What is important to me? Not.. what is important to the girl who is raised by my parents. Although those things are still ones that I gladly and full-heartedly stand up for, I need to find something that is... for me, that defines me. But I don't feel like I'm anything at all.
And speaking of standing up, or not, while we were doing laps around the field, my teammates were discussing this girl in my grade named Margaret Wu who is a friend of mine. They were making fun of her butch appearance and how ugly they think she is and then they talked about her being gay -something that is just not so. If she were, she would have told me bc she KNOWS that I'm ok with it. But as they went on and on I just ran there next to them. I didn't say anything. I guess I felt like I was in a swarm of bees and swatting them would be inaffective. Whatever... that's no excuse. I feel like shit because they should know that I think they are complete bitches and all of my respect for them is just gone.
I have friends here. I guess I don't give them enough credit. But then at the same time... there are just these random people who really don't like me... for reasons that are not known. And I feel like Im the subject of gossip and rumors and hatred. Like I know people asked if I was gay because Sarah Hess, student of Laurel, not HB, "knew" about it. BECAUSE I HAVE GAY/BI FRIENDS? BECAUSE I'M IN SPECTRUM, THE GAY AWARENESS CLUB? BECAUSE I DON'T WEAR UGGS AND SHORT SKIRTS AND POLOS? BECAUSE I HAVE SAT WITH GAY PEOPLE? Yeah, I guess those are the reasons. But anyways, sometimes I just feel like everyone is out to make me miserable. That I'm alone and it makes me so sad. Rachel's graduating this year... and she's my best friend.
So many tears.. but no time for that because I have SO much hw right now.
No time for anything.
"We learn not for school but for life" -school motto
Fuck That.
Something inside of me says that I've got the world all wrong so I'm not stopping anything. Not soccer. Not my classes. Not service. Not journalism. Not theatre. Every inch of me is just crying along the way. And that's ok with me because sometimes I don't notice it. And sometimes life is just great and I feel like I'm okay or better than.
People change and
People wallow
Yeah she said you've got the world all wrong
Don't go drownin' in your sorrow
'Cause you won't be alone tomorrow.
Everything seems unbearably complicated and ridiculously simple. I am so... just tired.
I feel like I've been acting this whole time... I can't compete with the smartest girls in the entire school.. why the HELL am I in all honors/AP classes?
And soccer is INSANE... For once, I'm getting good. And I might have a shot at varsity next year as long as I keep it up. But things like.. puting me in a game for only 10 fucking minutes just makes me feel like its not worth it anymore. Like who am I trying to impress? And is it even about impressions or is it about preservirence and my desire to never give up on shit thats just not worth my time?
I feel like I've missed out on everything that makes people interesting and complex. That I'm kind of this blah person that just does shit for shit. What is important to me? Not.. what is important to the girl who is raised by my parents. Although those things are still ones that I gladly and full-heartedly stand up for, I need to find something that is... for me, that defines me. But I don't feel like I'm anything at all.
And speaking of standing up, or not, while we were doing laps around the field, my teammates were discussing this girl in my grade named Margaret Wu who is a friend of mine. They were making fun of her butch appearance and how ugly they think she is and then they talked about her being gay -something that is just not so. If she were, she would have told me bc she KNOWS that I'm ok with it. But as they went on and on I just ran there next to them. I didn't say anything. I guess I felt like I was in a swarm of bees and swatting them would be inaffective. Whatever... that's no excuse. I feel like shit because they should know that I think they are complete bitches and all of my respect for them is just gone.
I have friends here. I guess I don't give them enough credit. But then at the same time... there are just these random people who really don't like me... for reasons that are not known. And I feel like Im the subject of gossip and rumors and hatred. Like I know people asked if I was gay because Sarah Hess, student of Laurel, not HB, "knew" about it. BECAUSE I HAVE GAY/BI FRIENDS? BECAUSE I'M IN SPECTRUM, THE GAY AWARENESS CLUB? BECAUSE I DON'T WEAR UGGS AND SHORT SKIRTS AND POLOS? BECAUSE I HAVE SAT WITH GAY PEOPLE? Yeah, I guess those are the reasons. But anyways, sometimes I just feel like everyone is out to make me miserable. That I'm alone and it makes me so sad. Rachel's graduating this year... and she's my best friend.
So many tears.. but no time for that because I have SO much hw right now.
No time for anything.
"We learn not for school but for life" -school motto
Fuck That.
Something inside of me says that I've got the world all wrong so I'm not stopping anything. Not soccer. Not my classes. Not service. Not journalism. Not theatre. Every inch of me is just crying along the way. And that's ok with me because sometimes I don't notice it. And sometimes life is just great and I feel like I'm okay or better than.