Long Paragraphs.
So I've never gone this long without posting.
So strange...
Lots has happened.
With Merrily (the only thing I'll go into tonight), I think that it'll be, and thus far has been, relatively easy for me to leave behind. Something about the large group of unbelievable new friends that I did not make, like so last year, or maybe it could have been the drama from boys that I really don't ever want to remember, or maybe it was the changing of staff members that has left me in an unsure place. It could have possibly been the lack of collectiveness that I felt within the cast and crew, or my unfortunate realizations about people who I remember thinking were gods. Maybe it was the complexity and simplicity that was the amount of time I felt alone and misunderstood and judged. Maybe it is the overwhelming confusion that surrounds me as I describe a negative experience in my Near West Theatre. It's easy to let go of confusing things and people. Its only when I can fully and extensively define what it or they were as undefinable and profound that I find it unbearably difficult to walk away from them and learn how to carry whatever we had with me on my new off road journey. I think that this summer show didn't have this extruciatingly painful effect of last year. I found this in one of my journal entries from right after Oklahoma: "oklahoma cast, i have never met better people than every single one of you. im freaking out. going to hb is like leaving bliss and love for hatred, lonliness, and death. im sooo fucking scared. ugh i hate this." In stark contrast, I'm ready for HB. Its not that I didn't love our cast, its just that I'm ready for some newer faces, and some real chances for friendships to develop. And when I think about it.. I bearly saw the cast last year -just the same amount of time. Was it fake? Did I just imagine some breathtaking whole-hearted friendships? Was I so desperate to be understood and loved that I set low standards for such high things? Whatever. Yesterday is done. See the pretty countryside.
Ha. Speaking of that.
I think the hardest thing for me will be/has been "the ending" of that quote. Such meaning to me and my life. Such beautiful and explicit and broad meaning. I don't think I realized how much I internalized that solo... how much it was me singing it... until Sunday when I started crying while I was the only focus of the audience and the only sound onstage. Greattt. But I know it was fine. I always find Cory during that song and I look dead at her every night... (i dont know why) and she just smiled at me on Sunday. I think she knew how much that song will forever be apart of my life because of (including, but not limited to) her role as Florence in Chess. I couldn't figure out how to stop crying, though. Like I would for a moment and then begin again. As my first solo in my entire life, its beyond significant because, although its two seconds long... it goes on for sooooo much longer.
Goddamnit Joanne.
So strange...
Lots has happened.
With Merrily (the only thing I'll go into tonight), I think that it'll be, and thus far has been, relatively easy for me to leave behind. Something about the large group of unbelievable new friends that I did not make, like so last year, or maybe it could have been the drama from boys that I really don't ever want to remember, or maybe it was the changing of staff members that has left me in an unsure place. It could have possibly been the lack of collectiveness that I felt within the cast and crew, or my unfortunate realizations about people who I remember thinking were gods. Maybe it was the complexity and simplicity that was the amount of time I felt alone and misunderstood and judged. Maybe it is the overwhelming confusion that surrounds me as I describe a negative experience in my Near West Theatre. It's easy to let go of confusing things and people. Its only when I can fully and extensively define what it or they were as undefinable and profound that I find it unbearably difficult to walk away from them and learn how to carry whatever we had with me on my new off road journey. I think that this summer show didn't have this extruciatingly painful effect of last year. I found this in one of my journal entries from right after Oklahoma: "oklahoma cast, i have never met better people than every single one of you. im freaking out. going to hb is like leaving bliss and love for hatred, lonliness, and death. im sooo fucking scared. ugh i hate this." In stark contrast, I'm ready for HB. Its not that I didn't love our cast, its just that I'm ready for some newer faces, and some real chances for friendships to develop. And when I think about it.. I bearly saw the cast last year -just the same amount of time. Was it fake? Did I just imagine some breathtaking whole-hearted friendships? Was I so desperate to be understood and loved that I set low standards for such high things? Whatever. Yesterday is done. See the pretty countryside.
Ha. Speaking of that.
I think the hardest thing for me will be/has been "the ending" of that quote. Such meaning to me and my life. Such beautiful and explicit and broad meaning. I don't think I realized how much I internalized that solo... how much it was me singing it... until Sunday when I started crying while I was the only focus of the audience and the only sound onstage. Greattt. But I know it was fine. I always find Cory during that song and I look dead at her every night... (i dont know why) and she just smiled at me on Sunday. I think she knew how much that song will forever be apart of my life because of (including, but not limited to) her role as Florence in Chess. I couldn't figure out how to stop crying, though. Like I would for a moment and then begin again. As my first solo in my entire life, its beyond significant because, although its two seconds long... it goes on for sooooo much longer.
Goddamnit Joanne.