Lost
Well... well... well...
Guess what? My tooth fell out yesterday. I was biting on some particularly hard and chewy dried mango, when suddenly it just came off. Fortunately the tooth was still in tact and it was only off for less than 24 hours... got it cemented back on today. Greg wouldn't stop staring at it... I guess I looked pretty ropey, so I can't blame him. I thought it was funny to stare at myself in the mirror and make faces. But the important thing is... I have pictures!
Okay, so it's not the most flattering pic in the world, but it's funny.
Right-O.
Well... we're going to this business seminar thing this weekend in Vancouver with Darren Weeks, the Canadian *Rich Dad*. We saw him about a month ago at some 3 hour event in Chilliwack, and I have to say, I don't really want to go that much. The last one was about 1 hour of him regurgatating the stuff from Rich Dad, Poor Dad books, about half an hour of break time, meeting people (maybe the best part) followed by the last 1.5 hours of him cross-selling us on "investment opportunities". Which was really all bullshit if you ask me, it was just him trying to get us to give him money so he could buy some real estate and not have to use any of his own money. I see through him. But whatever. It was a $100 deposit, and if you go, you get your money back, if you don't go he keeps it. So now I feel like I have to go. But honestly, I don't really want to.
I'm at a major loss right now. I really and truly feel completely lost in my life. More so than when I was a senior in high school and didn't even know if I wanted to push it and graduate or take my time and stay another year, and then what the fuck I was going to do after I graduated, what I was going to major in in college and what college I wanted to go to... well at least then I knew I was going to college. Now I have NO idea.
I mean, before Tracker school, I had it all figured out. I was going to start a company. And now everything I do seems so shallow and so meaningless and so fake. It really is all planned out. Go to school, get good grades so you can go to college; get a good job with benefits; have 2.5 kids, a white picket fence and a dog; retire and die. Of course there's frienships and family and lots of fun inbetween, it's not THAT cold, but really, it seems like that's all this society is offering me. There are not jobs I can really get excited about... there's no business that rocks my world... I feel like there'd be richness in the forest, but I don't have the skills to fuck off and leave it all behind. And even if I did, there are still things in this society that I like and that I want to do and experience. So I don't know... I'm definitely drifting now... not really commiting fully to anything. Greg's in the same place right now. It's really amazing how alike we are.
I think it'd be fun to work at Starbucks, but only for the fact that I'd like to get up early, work for a couple of hours a few days a week, get my day started early so that I can do whatever else with the rest of the day, that and it'd be nice to get out of the house for a while and meet some new people. But then I go there and I know what it's all about... it's the same shit I did at Great Northern Pizza Kitchen and the Highland Park Diner and Aladdin's. And I just can't bring myself to get an application and actually go through with it.
So business isn't as easy as I thought it would be. And the money just keeps going out... with nothing coming in. So a job is going to be necessary until the business gets started. I think an employment agency is the way to go. I just don't want to end up being one of those people that just gets stuck. Stuck in a job they hate, stuck doing whatever work they're doing just cause they need the money and they don't want those paychecks to stop coming. I never want to be stuck in a rut. I want someone to pay me while I write my book, so I can spend my time doing what that and not have to worry about starving to death or almost crying cause my fucking tooth falls out and I know I'm going to have to pay money to get it fixed. I need a benefactor like Pip in Great Expectations.
I put in an application to be an in-school mentor in the Big Brother's Big Sister's program. I think that will be fun, but I think I might be a bit premature in volunteering for that cause Greg and I just might be moving to Vancouver soon which would mean I couldn't commit to it for a year, which they want you to do and I understand why. So maybe once I get to Vancouver is better. I think it'd be fun. I'd always wanted a Big Sister from that program when I was a kid, but never had one...
The hide's coming along. I want to post some pics for you guys, but I also want to have everything done before I show em to you... so maybe later. It's all strung up and we're scrapping membrane off. Imagine a dog's rawhide stick, unrolled and streched out about 4 feet by 4 feet... it's like that... and we're scraping it. Takes a while, but I think we've got the technique down now so it's easy going from here. I like doing it... it's meditative work in a way... I get in a zone with it, you know... kind of like one of those amazing trances after and intense yoga workout, where you just zone...go into your own little world. I think that's where you go into alpha state. It's where flow happens and I have all these ideas for things I want to write, things I want to say, stories. Everything works well there... it's a good place to be.
That's part of my lostness. I feel so real there, so connected and so apart of things. I think about Grandfather's Prophecy of the Probable Future and life in this society seems so shallow... wearing a business suit and sitting all proper in these business seminars talking to these self-absorbed people about becoming financially free. Honestly, what has this society come to... I look around me, and all I see is shallowness... investments and jobs, and retirement funds and the fucking economy... what I'm going to buy next. I'm at a loss to describe it other than to say it feels shallow. There's got to be more to life than this.
I want to be a yoga instructor and work with "at risk" teens. Show them how they can transform their lives with yoga (if they want to) like I did. Then part of me thinks, what's the fucking point? If Grandfather's profecy is right, then all of this is for nothing. Building this society, feeding into it more and more is a fucking waste. The only thing that will really matter is learning the skills and learning how to survive... learning and living the philosophy of the Earth. That's all that really matters. And it's not enough to say I tried. Or make excuses about why you can't. You have to do it. I have to admit, it has me scared. And there's no date in the prophecy. So I don't even know how long we have. It could be a day it could be a century. In which case I'll be dead by the time it happens anyway, and it won't affect me. And listen to that attitude. Rob your grandchildren to feed your children. The way we've been living for years now. And it's going to crumble. Either way, I do think living close the Earth leads to a rich life... especially if that's where you find Alpha state. Living there is definitely rich.
I want to affect change in the world... but I'm at a loss. I feel like the change that is needed is outside the boundaries and the comfort of this system we're living in. I really do want out. It's a strange place to be actually. I don't like it. I don't like the feeling of being so lost that I'd rather just stay in bed and sleep than get up and face whatever it is that's out there. A boring job that I hate or working on the skills and draining my bank account (which is frozen by the way, and I can't get any money anyway until Nov. 15.-- Poetic, isn't it?). I want to write. I want to get in Alpha and stay there and write a book in a month, then have it published... be a best-seller and then I'll do whatever... learn the skills... live in Vancouver. I don't know...
I fear getting old and looking back and being like "was this it, was this all life was?" I mean, I haven't yet, I feel like I've had an amazing, rich life so far... full of many different experiences... I've done a fuck load of things if I stop and break it down... honestly WAAAAAAY more than most people... and I know it'll continue... that's just the way I am. But now... somethings gotta change soon...
Till next time
Guess what? My tooth fell out yesterday. I was biting on some particularly hard and chewy dried mango, when suddenly it just came off. Fortunately the tooth was still in tact and it was only off for less than 24 hours... got it cemented back on today. Greg wouldn't stop staring at it... I guess I looked pretty ropey, so I can't blame him. I thought it was funny to stare at myself in the mirror and make faces. But the important thing is... I have pictures!
Okay, so it's not the most flattering pic in the world, but it's funny.
Right-O.
Well... we're going to this business seminar thing this weekend in Vancouver with Darren Weeks, the Canadian *Rich Dad*. We saw him about a month ago at some 3 hour event in Chilliwack, and I have to say, I don't really want to go that much. The last one was about 1 hour of him regurgatating the stuff from Rich Dad, Poor Dad books, about half an hour of break time, meeting people (maybe the best part) followed by the last 1.5 hours of him cross-selling us on "investment opportunities". Which was really all bullshit if you ask me, it was just him trying to get us to give him money so he could buy some real estate and not have to use any of his own money. I see through him. But whatever. It was a $100 deposit, and if you go, you get your money back, if you don't go he keeps it. So now I feel like I have to go. But honestly, I don't really want to.
I'm at a major loss right now. I really and truly feel completely lost in my life. More so than when I was a senior in high school and didn't even know if I wanted to push it and graduate or take my time and stay another year, and then what the fuck I was going to do after I graduated, what I was going to major in in college and what college I wanted to go to... well at least then I knew I was going to college. Now I have NO idea.
I mean, before Tracker school, I had it all figured out. I was going to start a company. And now everything I do seems so shallow and so meaningless and so fake. It really is all planned out. Go to school, get good grades so you can go to college; get a good job with benefits; have 2.5 kids, a white picket fence and a dog; retire and die. Of course there's frienships and family and lots of fun inbetween, it's not THAT cold, but really, it seems like that's all this society is offering me. There are not jobs I can really get excited about... there's no business that rocks my world... I feel like there'd be richness in the forest, but I don't have the skills to fuck off and leave it all behind. And even if I did, there are still things in this society that I like and that I want to do and experience. So I don't know... I'm definitely drifting now... not really commiting fully to anything. Greg's in the same place right now. It's really amazing how alike we are.
I think it'd be fun to work at Starbucks, but only for the fact that I'd like to get up early, work for a couple of hours a few days a week, get my day started early so that I can do whatever else with the rest of the day, that and it'd be nice to get out of the house for a while and meet some new people. But then I go there and I know what it's all about... it's the same shit I did at Great Northern Pizza Kitchen and the Highland Park Diner and Aladdin's. And I just can't bring myself to get an application and actually go through with it.
So business isn't as easy as I thought it would be. And the money just keeps going out... with nothing coming in. So a job is going to be necessary until the business gets started. I think an employment agency is the way to go. I just don't want to end up being one of those people that just gets stuck. Stuck in a job they hate, stuck doing whatever work they're doing just cause they need the money and they don't want those paychecks to stop coming. I never want to be stuck in a rut. I want someone to pay me while I write my book, so I can spend my time doing what that and not have to worry about starving to death or almost crying cause my fucking tooth falls out and I know I'm going to have to pay money to get it fixed. I need a benefactor like Pip in Great Expectations.
I put in an application to be an in-school mentor in the Big Brother's Big Sister's program. I think that will be fun, but I think I might be a bit premature in volunteering for that cause Greg and I just might be moving to Vancouver soon which would mean I couldn't commit to it for a year, which they want you to do and I understand why. So maybe once I get to Vancouver is better. I think it'd be fun. I'd always wanted a Big Sister from that program when I was a kid, but never had one...
The hide's coming along. I want to post some pics for you guys, but I also want to have everything done before I show em to you... so maybe later. It's all strung up and we're scrapping membrane off. Imagine a dog's rawhide stick, unrolled and streched out about 4 feet by 4 feet... it's like that... and we're scraping it. Takes a while, but I think we've got the technique down now so it's easy going from here. I like doing it... it's meditative work in a way... I get in a zone with it, you know... kind of like one of those amazing trances after and intense yoga workout, where you just zone...go into your own little world. I think that's where you go into alpha state. It's where flow happens and I have all these ideas for things I want to write, things I want to say, stories. Everything works well there... it's a good place to be.
That's part of my lostness. I feel so real there, so connected and so apart of things. I think about Grandfather's Prophecy of the Probable Future and life in this society seems so shallow... wearing a business suit and sitting all proper in these business seminars talking to these self-absorbed people about becoming financially free. Honestly, what has this society come to... I look around me, and all I see is shallowness... investments and jobs, and retirement funds and the fucking economy... what I'm going to buy next. I'm at a loss to describe it other than to say it feels shallow. There's got to be more to life than this.
I want to be a yoga instructor and work with "at risk" teens. Show them how they can transform their lives with yoga (if they want to) like I did. Then part of me thinks, what's the fucking point? If Grandfather's profecy is right, then all of this is for nothing. Building this society, feeding into it more and more is a fucking waste. The only thing that will really matter is learning the skills and learning how to survive... learning and living the philosophy of the Earth. That's all that really matters. And it's not enough to say I tried. Or make excuses about why you can't. You have to do it. I have to admit, it has me scared. And there's no date in the prophecy. So I don't even know how long we have. It could be a day it could be a century. In which case I'll be dead by the time it happens anyway, and it won't affect me. And listen to that attitude. Rob your grandchildren to feed your children. The way we've been living for years now. And it's going to crumble. Either way, I do think living close the Earth leads to a rich life... especially if that's where you find Alpha state. Living there is definitely rich.
I want to affect change in the world... but I'm at a loss. I feel like the change that is needed is outside the boundaries and the comfort of this system we're living in. I really do want out. It's a strange place to be actually. I don't like it. I don't like the feeling of being so lost that I'd rather just stay in bed and sleep than get up and face whatever it is that's out there. A boring job that I hate or working on the skills and draining my bank account (which is frozen by the way, and I can't get any money anyway until Nov. 15.-- Poetic, isn't it?). I want to write. I want to get in Alpha and stay there and write a book in a month, then have it published... be a best-seller and then I'll do whatever... learn the skills... live in Vancouver. I don't know...
I fear getting old and looking back and being like "was this it, was this all life was?" I mean, I haven't yet, I feel like I've had an amazing, rich life so far... full of many different experiences... I've done a fuck load of things if I stop and break it down... honestly WAAAAAAY more than most people... and I know it'll continue... that's just the way I am. But now... somethings gotta change soon...
Till next time