I know, but I can't...
I hate to make a post like this on the night before my birthday, but I don't feel there's much else I can do right now.
I know I have issues. I have problems with how I view myself. I have low self-esteem. I do know what I want in life, and I know that I have to change to get what I want. I even have a good idea as to how to go about fixing it, but I have it stamped into my mind that I just can't. I'm not strong enough.
I make promises that I'm going to change, but I can't keep them. My apologies have become meaningless, and though I want to believe that they weren't always that way, that has been thrown into serious doubt. I know that I shouldn't bother, but I do and again, I don't know why. That hurts people other than myself, and that breaks my heart.
I know it frustrates people when I put myself down. I could lie and tell them that everything is fine, that I'm okay, but that won't fix anything. Just sitting on my butt won't fix it either, but that's all I can do at this point in time.
I'm just confused about everything. I feel small, a bad person. I know I need to change, but I don't know what it is that's stopping me.
I ought to see someone - a professional. I'm back at Uni tomorrow, but I don't want to do it then. Next week, perhaps. Or even later this week if someone will go with me.
It's eerie to me that I'll be 19 tomorrow. I feel like there are certain life landmarks I should have reached by now, but I've not. I know that no one is in charge of my life but me, but sometimes I wish that weren't so. I'm not ready for that responsibility.
Happy Birthday to me.
Random Quote:
"The more things change, the more they remain the same." - Alphonse Karr
I know I have issues. I have problems with how I view myself. I have low self-esteem. I do know what I want in life, and I know that I have to change to get what I want. I even have a good idea as to how to go about fixing it, but I have it stamped into my mind that I just can't. I'm not strong enough.
I make promises that I'm going to change, but I can't keep them. My apologies have become meaningless, and though I want to believe that they weren't always that way, that has been thrown into serious doubt. I know that I shouldn't bother, but I do and again, I don't know why. That hurts people other than myself, and that breaks my heart.
I know it frustrates people when I put myself down. I could lie and tell them that everything is fine, that I'm okay, but that won't fix anything. Just sitting on my butt won't fix it either, but that's all I can do at this point in time.
I'm just confused about everything. I feel small, a bad person. I know I need to change, but I don't know what it is that's stopping me.
I ought to see someone - a professional. I'm back at Uni tomorrow, but I don't want to do it then. Next week, perhaps. Or even later this week if someone will go with me.
It's eerie to me that I'll be 19 tomorrow. I feel like there are certain life landmarks I should have reached by now, but I've not. I know that no one is in charge of my life but me, but sometimes I wish that weren't so. I'm not ready for that responsibility.
Happy Birthday to me.
Random Quote:
"The more things change, the more they remain the same." - Alphonse Karr