ALLIES AND LIABILITIES #13
Allies and Liabilities Chapter #13
#13
My following two weeks were spent imprisoned in the basement in a closet. There was always someone holding a gun behind the door, I suppose they know more than anyone that I can escape easily, and when no one was there to watch me, just in case, they tied me up on a chair, ridiculous. Of course all of them knew I’d take any opportunity to escape the house. The time spent down here stretched on longer than it should. I was literally in mental agony. I’m not very enthusiastic about being stuck in a small closet, only aloud out every four hours (always watched). I couldn’t help but think this should be some kind of movie…my life…a really bad movie, really ill-spirited.
When it came to Jacob, I thought about him the majority of my time. Abby made an agreement with me and she made the consequences very clear. “I’ll try to kill him anyway, but since you’re being stubborn, we’ll make an agreement” she had said, “if you leave, I won’t kill him and if you don’t leave, I will kill him then I’ll kill you…it’s your choice now. It’s surprising how easy it is to kill a beast…” she had told me, I knew how easy it was; lethal guns and weapons always win, no matter what. I had no choice but to leave, this hurt me even more, because it was my choice. I was too anxious…this is also another reason for my mental agony I had just mentioned. This kind of pain hurt most, and it frustrated me. Not because of the weird, twisted new kind of pain, but because it wouldn’t go away, it wouldn’t heal. It continued to grow stronger as the time passed, and today, the beginning of the end of my mental stability, it felt murderous.
Today was the day of my flight. I felt sick, and I’m sure I looked the part too. I could feel the bags under my eyes from my lack of sleep. The most recent gash to my shoulder was healed but the blood still remained; dried under my clean clothes I changed into yesterday morning.
I sat in the corner of the closet, my knees pulled up to my chest. I tapped a slow rhythm against the wall with a bent index finger. At one moment it seemed almost as if it were a drum roll, leading me away from what I wanted, what I cared about. But afterwards, I thought it was silly to think about such a thing. I was coming back, no matter how long it will take me; I was going to come back. But I knew that my life from this point on to the day I see Jacob again wasn’t going to be easy. The pain I’ve endured, no we’ve endured is going to be nothing compared to what will happen in the future. I suppose most of my life will be hard, Jacob or no Jacob, I had made two extra groups of enemies, and it will be hard to run away from them all, no where was safe now. It will take an extra effort to disappear...if that was possible.
I heard voices outside of the closet, but they were muffled. Then the door swung open, I blinked in the sudden burst of light. I guessed it was Abby, but instead I heard Caleb’s voice.
“You’re leaving now” he stated harshly, I wasn’t used to this kind of tone in his voice. I let out something between a groan and a sigh. This was it. He threw me a wet towel. “Clean up that mess on your shoulder” he demanded.
“Thank you” I murmured, starting to rub the towel against my shoulder.
“Stop talking and hurry up” he hissed and threw a lump of clothes on the floor next to me. He turned on the dim light in the closet and then shut the door before he left.
When I was certain I cleaned all the blood I took off my old clothes and got dressed in the ones Caleb gave me. There was a pair of jeans and a T-shirt. I sighed miserably, and rubbed my open arms. I looked around the closet and found a baseball hat and sun glasses. I tied my hair back and slid the hat of my head and put on the sunglasses. I hid my face as best as possible.
When I stepped out of the closet I was met by Caleb’s hands on my wrists. I didn’t bother to struggle as he led me outside. The fresh air was nice and it was actually sunny. I suppose the sunglasses will be needed.
Caleb stuffed me into the Mazda as if he was a cop shoving a criminal into the backseat of a police car. Abby’s van was already gone. In the Mazda I saw Drew and Lily. Mark was probably with Abby. I looked at Lily; she didn’t seem to realize the problem that surrounded her. She smiled and giggled as I watched her. The corner of my mouth twitched up a little into a small grin. I stared at her eyes; which reminded me so much of my own. I couldn’t believe she wasn’t coming with me. I didn’t want to believe that this little girl was going to live through the same kind of life I did. I didn’t want to imagine her being hurt over and over again. The worst part was that if I do see her again, she might not remember me. I leaned over and hugged her in her car seat. Her tiny hands clung onto my shoulders. I kissed her cheek. I will miss her. “Don’t touch her…I will shoot” Drew hissed from the passenger seat, he shoved the barrel of his gun between us, I moved away; alarmed he would pull out such a weapon in front of a three year old girl.
“You aren’t the brightest are you? You know a cop lives two doors down, your lucky you got away with shooting last time” I told him blankly, the car pulled out of the driveway and drove down the street.
“Abby’s a cop” he reminded me with a scowl, I opened my mouth to talk back but he aimed the gun at me.
“Shut your mouth and don’t talk” he ordered, and I obeyed. It was surprising how people can change so abruptly.
* * * *
We pulled up at the airport. I felt so lifeless. Drew left his gun under the passenger seat. He wasn’t leaving with me. It was just Abby and I. Drew picked Lily up and carried her in. Drew held my wrist tightly and tugged me in. I just followed obediently.
When we made it to the right terminal, I was greeted by Bella Swan. She grabbed me in a hug. I wasn’t entirely sure what to do, it was so sudden. I hugged her back.
“Why are you leaving?” she asked, pulling away. Abby was suddenly there too. Her hand snaked onto my shoulder and then up to my face; where she brushed my cheek with her thumb. I ducked away from her. Bella’s eyes were worried; I could tell she knew it was about Jacob. Edward walked casually to Bella’s side and wrapped his arms around her. “Can I have a couple minutes alone with Natasha” she said glancing and Drew and Abby. They didn’t budge.
“I’m not going anywhere, I think you’ve secured the place enough” I said, glowering at Abby. She frowned.
“What do you mean?” she wondered lightly, I wrinkled my nose in disgust.
“I saw Mark and Caleb blocking the exits, they both have knives, and I can see them in their pockets. And I’m pretty sure you have a plan B in case I do break loose” I muttered bitterly, she nodded her head with a pleased expression.
“Very good” she smiled and motioned to Drew to let go of me. I shoved him away. Finally it was just Bella, Edward and I.
Edward held a hand out to me. I shook his hand. “Good to see you again” I said emotionless, he nodded.
“Good to see you’re still alive” he said quietly. I nodded in agreement.
“How long will you be gone?” Bella asked, I looked at her and sighed
“I wish I knew” I shook my head disappointedly. Bella looked sad now.
“Will you come back?” she asked, I nodded.
“No doubt” I said rubbing my arm, glancing over my shoulder at Mark; who stood arms crossed over his chest staring at me. I nodded towards him. He didn’t respond. I turned back to Bella. I moved a little closer. “Have you heard from Jacob?” I whispered, she shook her head,
“No I haven’t” she pouted glancing up at Edward then at me again. I nodded slowly and sighed.
“You should leave soon, there probably thinking your trying to help me get out of here, I don’t want you to get involved” I murmured and stepped back. She just stared at me for a moment, tears building in her eyes. “I’m sorry” I whispered, and know I saw that coming to Forks in the first place was the biggest mistake of my life. No, if I chose to continue being home schooled, none of this would have happened. The tears trickled down her face now.
“I’ll see you again” I reassured her then hugged her, and then Edward led her away.
I turned the other way. Abby met me and took my elbow. I tried to shrug her off. She bent down to whisper into my ear. “Get on the plane, they’re boarding” her voice was happier than usual; I frowned and bit my lip. “You go, I’m getting a drink” I told her, she looked me in the eyes. She hesitated for a minute then let me go. “Make it fast” she said, I just turned away and walked to a little café. I got a cappuccino. I took my time walking to the ticket desk. Even though I spent two weeks alone in a closet, preparing for this departure…I was no where near ready.
My hat was snatched off my head; I clenched my teeth, frustrated. I spun around, ready to slap Drew or someone. But instead, I met by warm arms.
I dropped my drink, astounded but relieved. I wrapped my arms around his waist and hugged him tight. Jacob did the same. He kissed my cheek; I turned my head and rose onto my toes so our lips met. One of his hands trailed down to the small of my back, and the other moved the back of my head, holding me closer, if that was possible. I felt tears burning in my eyes, and a couple fell behind the sun glasses. I moved my head to the side again, so we were just hugging. “What are you doing here?” I gasped, it was getting harder to breathe, he was hugging me too tight, but I didn’t stop him.
“I thought you left already” he replied, his grief was far worse than mine, I could tell from his voice. This made me feel even worse. “Are you okay?” he asked, I coughed.
“A bit better now” I whispered, if I spoke any louder I was certain my voice would break. I realized Drew or Mark could be watching this. I pulled away and dragged him to the other side of the café by his hand.
“Jacob…Jake, what are you doing here?” I asked quietly, he wrapped his arms around me again, but loose enough so I could look up at him comfortably. He frowned at the sun glasses and with one hand he removed them, my eyes fluttered in the brighter light. He didn’t answer at first so I repeated myself, “What are you doing here?”
“I’m helping you get away from them” he answered, I shook my head slowly.
“No, no” I began, a burning pain in my chest erupted and a few more hot tears ran down my face, I felt myself beginning to shake a little under the pressure of having to tell him...some of it at least. “Jacob…I need to go…” I whispered placing the palm of my hand on the cheek of his stressed face, when I touched him, I could feel how tense he was. I bit my lip to stop it from trembling. He put one of his hands over the one I put on his cheek and squeezed it. “What do you mean?” he asked, I could tell he was just beginning to understand, I watched him carefully for a short moment then answered, “I….I’m leaving…I have to, Jacob, please, understand” I begged and he frowned, I knew he didn’t understand…I hardly did either.
“Why?” he asked, I just shook my head, almost unable to stop.
“I have to-leave…Jacob please, stay out of this” I sniffed and brushed my wet cheek with my fingers, he shook his head slowly.
“What? Why would you leave?” he continued questioning me, I looked away, not sure how to answer. My jaw shuddered and I shook a little more. He put his hand under my chin and turned my head back so I had to look at him. “Answer me” he whispered, I just stared for a moment, my eyes glazed over, and my vision became a little blurry and watery, I felt a few more tears stream down my cheeks. Jacob removed them with his thumb. “I don’t think I should” I managed to say, he stared, it looked as if he could cry too, “I’m sorry, forgive me” I breathed, I slid my hand out from under his on his face, the cold air hit my skin like a knife. I was ready to murder myself for doing this. Comprehension hit his features and I let out a short sob, I had never sobbed before, so it was an alien action, I wasn’t used to it, so I sobbed a little more. Look what he’s done to me. I was about to take a step back but a strong hand dug into my shoulder, I winced and I was pulled back slightly, I leaned backward. “I hope you remember our little deal” she breathed into my ear, it was so quiet, I hardly heard it, “you have five minutes” she continued in the same hushed voice. She stepped back and released me. I looked back at Jacob; my face was a trembling mask. I tried to suck up as much courage as possible, reminding myself that it was for the best and everything will be fine in the end. “You see what she’s doing?” he said, I bit my lip and shut my eyes, I reached out and searched for his hand, his found mine and I held his tightly with both of my hands. I opened my eyes, more tears revealing themselves. “You see what she is doing, Natasha” he repeated; only this time his voice was dead. I looked away, I was aware of what she was doing. I knew she was trying to pry me away from the things I want, the things I loved. But I was afraid that it was working.
“Jacob…” I began, “you must trust me, you must” I pleaded, my voice was hollow and hurt, and I could feel him tense under my hands.
“I can’t let you go” he replied shaking his head slowly, I bit my lip in effort to say something.
“Trust me” was all I said, “Do you trust me Jacob?” I asked gazing into his eyes, and for once feeling, I didn’t deserve him. He hesitated then nodded, I tried to give a small grin but it didn’t work. “Can I trust you; trust you to be here when I come back?” I said as softly as I could manage, he just winced and didn’t reply. I let out another sob that hurt my chest. “Please, I need you to be with me on this” I whispered and tightened my grip on his hands, “please, I need you to be there for me, please. I need something to look forward to, something to live for” I continued, he glanced away from me then looked me in the eyes and said, “I don’t want you to go”
“I will come back, trust me” I reassured him, along with myself. It didn’t work.
“And if you don’t?” he shot back, I closed my eyes.
“Forget me” I said through clenched teeth, a moment later I regretted saying that, “You’re going to have to trust me” I said to him, he stared on into my eyes.
“How long, when will you come back” he asked hopefully, another set of tears broke out. It wasn’t so much that I was leaving; it was that I didn’t know how long I’d be gone, and I didn’t know if I could last that long. “I promise, I’ll come back” I said and kissed his cheek, “I love you, remember that” I whispered into his ear.
Then a hand grabbed my hair and yanked me back, I yelped. “Times up” Abby spoke strictly, she tugged me away, she tore me away from Jacob as if she had just ripped fabric. But I as we ripped apart, so much more did the same. My spirit, my soul, my dignity, my confidence…my heart, it all ripped in two and half was left behind. And for the time spent boarding the plane, I wasn’t sure what was happening, I was almost thoughtless, barely realizing my loss.
I was dragged by my wrist to the first class seats I was supposed to sit in. When I caught a glimpse of the window, I scrambled towards it. I felt the plane beginning to move, and I could see Jacob standing in the terminal, arms crossed. I expected tears to start falling down my cheeks, but I felt so empty that there were no tears. I stared out the window at the moving scenery, I didn’t look away. I heard Abby ordering a glass of wine, and then she asked if I wanted anything. I didn’t reply. “Sorry, she’s just lost her father” she said to a girl who was taking Abby’s order, I felt offended by her lie. I shuddered and clenched my jaw, I heard her yelp from some kind of pain I caused her. The girl sounded frantic as she tried to help Abby. “She’ll have water” she ordered for me, I scowled. I heard the girl scurry away. “You should know better not to do that….be respectful” She hissed, it sounded like a threat; I glanced at her for a second then back out the window.
“You need to give respect to get some” I muttered, wanting to punch the window. She sighed. “You can forget him, it’s not hard” she told me quietly, I gave her a serious look.
“You don’t know anything” I snapped, she chuckled silently.
“You’re so lucky you were in a public air port back there” she sneered, I knew what she was referring to, but I tried to ignore her as I continued to stare out the window. She didn’t speak to me again.
It felt like hours had passed, and all I could think about was how horrible I was, how wicked. As I stared out the window, looking down at the clouds beneath me, I wondered what Jacob was doing. I couldn’t stand how heartless I acted; this was all a big mistake. And if he does happen to misbehave, Mark, Drew and Caleb are still there, always waiting for a call or some sign to let them know it’s okay to kill him. I pulled my knees up to my chest and hit my forehead against them. I wondered if he could ever forgive me, would I ever forgive myself.
Jacob, forgive me, I love you.
#13
My following two weeks were spent imprisoned in the basement in a closet. There was always someone holding a gun behind the door, I suppose they know more than anyone that I can escape easily, and when no one was there to watch me, just in case, they tied me up on a chair, ridiculous. Of course all of them knew I’d take any opportunity to escape the house. The time spent down here stretched on longer than it should. I was literally in mental agony. I’m not very enthusiastic about being stuck in a small closet, only aloud out every four hours (always watched). I couldn’t help but think this should be some kind of movie…my life…a really bad movie, really ill-spirited.
When it came to Jacob, I thought about him the majority of my time. Abby made an agreement with me and she made the consequences very clear. “I’ll try to kill him anyway, but since you’re being stubborn, we’ll make an agreement” she had said, “if you leave, I won’t kill him and if you don’t leave, I will kill him then I’ll kill you…it’s your choice now. It’s surprising how easy it is to kill a beast…” she had told me, I knew how easy it was; lethal guns and weapons always win, no matter what. I had no choice but to leave, this hurt me even more, because it was my choice. I was too anxious…this is also another reason for my mental agony I had just mentioned. This kind of pain hurt most, and it frustrated me. Not because of the weird, twisted new kind of pain, but because it wouldn’t go away, it wouldn’t heal. It continued to grow stronger as the time passed, and today, the beginning of the end of my mental stability, it felt murderous.
Today was the day of my flight. I felt sick, and I’m sure I looked the part too. I could feel the bags under my eyes from my lack of sleep. The most recent gash to my shoulder was healed but the blood still remained; dried under my clean clothes I changed into yesterday morning.
I sat in the corner of the closet, my knees pulled up to my chest. I tapped a slow rhythm against the wall with a bent index finger. At one moment it seemed almost as if it were a drum roll, leading me away from what I wanted, what I cared about. But afterwards, I thought it was silly to think about such a thing. I was coming back, no matter how long it will take me; I was going to come back. But I knew that my life from this point on to the day I see Jacob again wasn’t going to be easy. The pain I’ve endured, no we’ve endured is going to be nothing compared to what will happen in the future. I suppose most of my life will be hard, Jacob or no Jacob, I had made two extra groups of enemies, and it will be hard to run away from them all, no where was safe now. It will take an extra effort to disappear...if that was possible.
I heard voices outside of the closet, but they were muffled. Then the door swung open, I blinked in the sudden burst of light. I guessed it was Abby, but instead I heard Caleb’s voice.
“You’re leaving now” he stated harshly, I wasn’t used to this kind of tone in his voice. I let out something between a groan and a sigh. This was it. He threw me a wet towel. “Clean up that mess on your shoulder” he demanded.
“Thank you” I murmured, starting to rub the towel against my shoulder.
“Stop talking and hurry up” he hissed and threw a lump of clothes on the floor next to me. He turned on the dim light in the closet and then shut the door before he left.
When I was certain I cleaned all the blood I took off my old clothes and got dressed in the ones Caleb gave me. There was a pair of jeans and a T-shirt. I sighed miserably, and rubbed my open arms. I looked around the closet and found a baseball hat and sun glasses. I tied my hair back and slid the hat of my head and put on the sunglasses. I hid my face as best as possible.
When I stepped out of the closet I was met by Caleb’s hands on my wrists. I didn’t bother to struggle as he led me outside. The fresh air was nice and it was actually sunny. I suppose the sunglasses will be needed.
Caleb stuffed me into the Mazda as if he was a cop shoving a criminal into the backseat of a police car. Abby’s van was already gone. In the Mazda I saw Drew and Lily. Mark was probably with Abby. I looked at Lily; she didn’t seem to realize the problem that surrounded her. She smiled and giggled as I watched her. The corner of my mouth twitched up a little into a small grin. I stared at her eyes; which reminded me so much of my own. I couldn’t believe she wasn’t coming with me. I didn’t want to believe that this little girl was going to live through the same kind of life I did. I didn’t want to imagine her being hurt over and over again. The worst part was that if I do see her again, she might not remember me. I leaned over and hugged her in her car seat. Her tiny hands clung onto my shoulders. I kissed her cheek. I will miss her. “Don’t touch her…I will shoot” Drew hissed from the passenger seat, he shoved the barrel of his gun between us, I moved away; alarmed he would pull out such a weapon in front of a three year old girl.
“You aren’t the brightest are you? You know a cop lives two doors down, your lucky you got away with shooting last time” I told him blankly, the car pulled out of the driveway and drove down the street.
“Abby’s a cop” he reminded me with a scowl, I opened my mouth to talk back but he aimed the gun at me.
“Shut your mouth and don’t talk” he ordered, and I obeyed. It was surprising how people can change so abruptly.
* * * *
We pulled up at the airport. I felt so lifeless. Drew left his gun under the passenger seat. He wasn’t leaving with me. It was just Abby and I. Drew picked Lily up and carried her in. Drew held my wrist tightly and tugged me in. I just followed obediently.
When we made it to the right terminal, I was greeted by Bella Swan. She grabbed me in a hug. I wasn’t entirely sure what to do, it was so sudden. I hugged her back.
“Why are you leaving?” she asked, pulling away. Abby was suddenly there too. Her hand snaked onto my shoulder and then up to my face; where she brushed my cheek with her thumb. I ducked away from her. Bella’s eyes were worried; I could tell she knew it was about Jacob. Edward walked casually to Bella’s side and wrapped his arms around her. “Can I have a couple minutes alone with Natasha” she said glancing and Drew and Abby. They didn’t budge.
“I’m not going anywhere, I think you’ve secured the place enough” I said, glowering at Abby. She frowned.
“What do you mean?” she wondered lightly, I wrinkled my nose in disgust.
“I saw Mark and Caleb blocking the exits, they both have knives, and I can see them in their pockets. And I’m pretty sure you have a plan B in case I do break loose” I muttered bitterly, she nodded her head with a pleased expression.
“Very good” she smiled and motioned to Drew to let go of me. I shoved him away. Finally it was just Bella, Edward and I.
Edward held a hand out to me. I shook his hand. “Good to see you again” I said emotionless, he nodded.
“Good to see you’re still alive” he said quietly. I nodded in agreement.
“How long will you be gone?” Bella asked, I looked at her and sighed
“I wish I knew” I shook my head disappointedly. Bella looked sad now.
“Will you come back?” she asked, I nodded.
“No doubt” I said rubbing my arm, glancing over my shoulder at Mark; who stood arms crossed over his chest staring at me. I nodded towards him. He didn’t respond. I turned back to Bella. I moved a little closer. “Have you heard from Jacob?” I whispered, she shook her head,
“No I haven’t” she pouted glancing up at Edward then at me again. I nodded slowly and sighed.
“You should leave soon, there probably thinking your trying to help me get out of here, I don’t want you to get involved” I murmured and stepped back. She just stared at me for a moment, tears building in her eyes. “I’m sorry” I whispered, and know I saw that coming to Forks in the first place was the biggest mistake of my life. No, if I chose to continue being home schooled, none of this would have happened. The tears trickled down her face now.
“I’ll see you again” I reassured her then hugged her, and then Edward led her away.
I turned the other way. Abby met me and took my elbow. I tried to shrug her off. She bent down to whisper into my ear. “Get on the plane, they’re boarding” her voice was happier than usual; I frowned and bit my lip. “You go, I’m getting a drink” I told her, she looked me in the eyes. She hesitated for a minute then let me go. “Make it fast” she said, I just turned away and walked to a little café. I got a cappuccino. I took my time walking to the ticket desk. Even though I spent two weeks alone in a closet, preparing for this departure…I was no where near ready.
My hat was snatched off my head; I clenched my teeth, frustrated. I spun around, ready to slap Drew or someone. But instead, I met by warm arms.
I dropped my drink, astounded but relieved. I wrapped my arms around his waist and hugged him tight. Jacob did the same. He kissed my cheek; I turned my head and rose onto my toes so our lips met. One of his hands trailed down to the small of my back, and the other moved the back of my head, holding me closer, if that was possible. I felt tears burning in my eyes, and a couple fell behind the sun glasses. I moved my head to the side again, so we were just hugging. “What are you doing here?” I gasped, it was getting harder to breathe, he was hugging me too tight, but I didn’t stop him.
“I thought you left already” he replied, his grief was far worse than mine, I could tell from his voice. This made me feel even worse. “Are you okay?” he asked, I coughed.
“A bit better now” I whispered, if I spoke any louder I was certain my voice would break. I realized Drew or Mark could be watching this. I pulled away and dragged him to the other side of the café by his hand.
“Jacob…Jake, what are you doing here?” I asked quietly, he wrapped his arms around me again, but loose enough so I could look up at him comfortably. He frowned at the sun glasses and with one hand he removed them, my eyes fluttered in the brighter light. He didn’t answer at first so I repeated myself, “What are you doing here?”
“I’m helping you get away from them” he answered, I shook my head slowly.
“No, no” I began, a burning pain in my chest erupted and a few more hot tears ran down my face, I felt myself beginning to shake a little under the pressure of having to tell him...some of it at least. “Jacob…I need to go…” I whispered placing the palm of my hand on the cheek of his stressed face, when I touched him, I could feel how tense he was. I bit my lip to stop it from trembling. He put one of his hands over the one I put on his cheek and squeezed it. “What do you mean?” he asked, I could tell he was just beginning to understand, I watched him carefully for a short moment then answered, “I….I’m leaving…I have to, Jacob, please, understand” I begged and he frowned, I knew he didn’t understand…I hardly did either.
“Why?” he asked, I just shook my head, almost unable to stop.
“I have to-leave…Jacob please, stay out of this” I sniffed and brushed my wet cheek with my fingers, he shook his head slowly.
“What? Why would you leave?” he continued questioning me, I looked away, not sure how to answer. My jaw shuddered and I shook a little more. He put his hand under my chin and turned my head back so I had to look at him. “Answer me” he whispered, I just stared for a moment, my eyes glazed over, and my vision became a little blurry and watery, I felt a few more tears stream down my cheeks. Jacob removed them with his thumb. “I don’t think I should” I managed to say, he stared, it looked as if he could cry too, “I’m sorry, forgive me” I breathed, I slid my hand out from under his on his face, the cold air hit my skin like a knife. I was ready to murder myself for doing this. Comprehension hit his features and I let out a short sob, I had never sobbed before, so it was an alien action, I wasn’t used to it, so I sobbed a little more. Look what he’s done to me. I was about to take a step back but a strong hand dug into my shoulder, I winced and I was pulled back slightly, I leaned backward. “I hope you remember our little deal” she breathed into my ear, it was so quiet, I hardly heard it, “you have five minutes” she continued in the same hushed voice. She stepped back and released me. I looked back at Jacob; my face was a trembling mask. I tried to suck up as much courage as possible, reminding myself that it was for the best and everything will be fine in the end. “You see what she’s doing?” he said, I bit my lip and shut my eyes, I reached out and searched for his hand, his found mine and I held his tightly with both of my hands. I opened my eyes, more tears revealing themselves. “You see what she is doing, Natasha” he repeated; only this time his voice was dead. I looked away, I was aware of what she was doing. I knew she was trying to pry me away from the things I want, the things I loved. But I was afraid that it was working.
“Jacob…” I began, “you must trust me, you must” I pleaded, my voice was hollow and hurt, and I could feel him tense under my hands.
“I can’t let you go” he replied shaking his head slowly, I bit my lip in effort to say something.
“Trust me” was all I said, “Do you trust me Jacob?” I asked gazing into his eyes, and for once feeling, I didn’t deserve him. He hesitated then nodded, I tried to give a small grin but it didn’t work. “Can I trust you; trust you to be here when I come back?” I said as softly as I could manage, he just winced and didn’t reply. I let out another sob that hurt my chest. “Please, I need you to be with me on this” I whispered and tightened my grip on his hands, “please, I need you to be there for me, please. I need something to look forward to, something to live for” I continued, he glanced away from me then looked me in the eyes and said, “I don’t want you to go”
“I will come back, trust me” I reassured him, along with myself. It didn’t work.
“And if you don’t?” he shot back, I closed my eyes.
“Forget me” I said through clenched teeth, a moment later I regretted saying that, “You’re going to have to trust me” I said to him, he stared on into my eyes.
“How long, when will you come back” he asked hopefully, another set of tears broke out. It wasn’t so much that I was leaving; it was that I didn’t know how long I’d be gone, and I didn’t know if I could last that long. “I promise, I’ll come back” I said and kissed his cheek, “I love you, remember that” I whispered into his ear.
Then a hand grabbed my hair and yanked me back, I yelped. “Times up” Abby spoke strictly, she tugged me away, she tore me away from Jacob as if she had just ripped fabric. But I as we ripped apart, so much more did the same. My spirit, my soul, my dignity, my confidence…my heart, it all ripped in two and half was left behind. And for the time spent boarding the plane, I wasn’t sure what was happening, I was almost thoughtless, barely realizing my loss.
I was dragged by my wrist to the first class seats I was supposed to sit in. When I caught a glimpse of the window, I scrambled towards it. I felt the plane beginning to move, and I could see Jacob standing in the terminal, arms crossed. I expected tears to start falling down my cheeks, but I felt so empty that there were no tears. I stared out the window at the moving scenery, I didn’t look away. I heard Abby ordering a glass of wine, and then she asked if I wanted anything. I didn’t reply. “Sorry, she’s just lost her father” she said to a girl who was taking Abby’s order, I felt offended by her lie. I shuddered and clenched my jaw, I heard her yelp from some kind of pain I caused her. The girl sounded frantic as she tried to help Abby. “She’ll have water” she ordered for me, I scowled. I heard the girl scurry away. “You should know better not to do that….be respectful” She hissed, it sounded like a threat; I glanced at her for a second then back out the window.
“You need to give respect to get some” I muttered, wanting to punch the window. She sighed. “You can forget him, it’s not hard” she told me quietly, I gave her a serious look.
“You don’t know anything” I snapped, she chuckled silently.
“You’re so lucky you were in a public air port back there” she sneered, I knew what she was referring to, but I tried to ignore her as I continued to stare out the window. She didn’t speak to me again.
It felt like hours had passed, and all I could think about was how horrible I was, how wicked. As I stared out the window, looking down at the clouds beneath me, I wondered what Jacob was doing. I couldn’t stand how heartless I acted; this was all a big mistake. And if he does happen to misbehave, Mark, Drew and Caleb are still there, always waiting for a call or some sign to let them know it’s okay to kill him. I pulled my knees up to my chest and hit my forehead against them. I wondered if he could ever forgive me, would I ever forgive myself.
Jacob, forgive me, I love you.