doin better....living hurts.

[can_tits]

we finallly went back home, going back into that house was one of the hardest things i have ever had to do. i woke up every hour on the hour last night hoping to hear him walking around like he always did. but the house was silent. everything seems so unreal, like im in an alternit universe or something, i just want to snap out of it and everything be the way it was before all this shit happened. my mom is a mess, i feel so bad for her i really do she cant even think about going into the basement so i have been doing the laundry, the bed he killed himself on is still in the basement so its hard to go down there, but someone is comeing on mon. to take it out, even though i think that will bring me little comfort. i was just looking around my huse and nothing looks the same, it doesnt smell the same, and it will never feel the same. so many things he has missed so many things he will miss, nothing is worth it, nothing. there isnt alot that isnt fixable, and the things that cant be fixed can be made better so long as you have the right kind of attitude. i dont know what to do anymore, its all so confusing, i need something but i dont know quite what that is yet. but something is missing, and im afraid i will never feel whole again. my poor daughter will never know what it feels like to have a papa, taht kills me. life isnt fair, it never has been and i fear it never will. when is it my turn, when can i just be happy, or even content? im due for some good luck, for something, anything. i dont know anything anymore.

i hope to see you all on sat. i need you all so much. thank you and i love you soooo much.