Lord knows it would be the first time
I am extremely nervous about the next 2 days and about going on this trip. I am worried because I don’t what to expect, it’s the whole issue of not knowing what will occur that scares me. I am sure its natural; I will be going to a city that I know very well and one that I have been going since I was five. But this time it will be different and I know that, and instead of the usual trip that I usually take with my brother and visiting family, I will solely be going with my mother this time. I am pretty sure that such a trip with just me and her will strengthen our relationship and I look forward to asking my mom questions that I never asked before and finding out things that I have always wanted to know. Just worried about the response and the answers that I will be given.
I haven’t really slept the last couple of nights, guess it’s because I have way too many thoughts on my mind about everything that has happened, that’s been happening and the things that have yet to happen. Plus, it doesn’t help to know and feel like all of my words that I have spoken have no meaning, as if people hear my noise but are not listening to my words. As if I am talking to a wall. I am starting to believe that maybe all of this is just a bad dream.
The interesting thing about everything that I am going through, besides the pain, the bad news from time to time, the whole not eating, taking medication that leaves an awful taste in my mouth the entire day, dropping of weight, not working, being by myself and doing things on my own is as much as would love to give up and throw it all away I still get up each day and put up a fight. But for the first time in my life and Lord knows I have never had this or done this, I actually had really hateful thoughts about someone and I wished badly upon them. Why? I have no clue, usually I wouldn’t care about them and just let it slide off my back but this time it was different. Maybe God could forgive me for thinking awful thoughts and hatred towards this guy.
I went to visit my mentor from high school, and told him everything that I went through and what I am going through; he was shocked naturally and gave me his sympathy and empathy, but he noticed through my body language and voice, that I was lonely and scared. He called me out on it, and I told truthfully he was correct; But what he told me next was what hit me like a ton of bricks, he said that for as long as he known me I have always carried the whole world on my shoulders and that should begin to forgive myself for things that I did, some that I are my fault and those that were others. I know I should, and I will I hope, but when is the biggest question.
What am I to you
Tell me darling true
To me you are the sea
Vast as you can be
And deep the shade of blue
When you're feeling low
To whom else do you go
See I cry if you hurt
I'd give you my last shirt
Because I love you so
If my sky should fall
Would you even call
Opened up my heart
I never want to part
I'm giving you the ball
When I look in your eyes
I can feel the butterflies
I love you when you're blue
Tell me darlin' true
What am I to you
Yeah well if my sky should fall
Would you even call
Opened up my heart
Never wanna part
I'm giving you the ball
When I look in your eyes
I can feel the butterflies
Could you find a love in me
Could you carve me in a tree
Don't fill my heart with lies
I will you love when you're blue
Tell me darlin' true
What am I to you
I haven’t really slept the last couple of nights, guess it’s because I have way too many thoughts on my mind about everything that has happened, that’s been happening and the things that have yet to happen. Plus, it doesn’t help to know and feel like all of my words that I have spoken have no meaning, as if people hear my noise but are not listening to my words. As if I am talking to a wall. I am starting to believe that maybe all of this is just a bad dream.
The interesting thing about everything that I am going through, besides the pain, the bad news from time to time, the whole not eating, taking medication that leaves an awful taste in my mouth the entire day, dropping of weight, not working, being by myself and doing things on my own is as much as would love to give up and throw it all away I still get up each day and put up a fight. But for the first time in my life and Lord knows I have never had this or done this, I actually had really hateful thoughts about someone and I wished badly upon them. Why? I have no clue, usually I wouldn’t care about them and just let it slide off my back but this time it was different. Maybe God could forgive me for thinking awful thoughts and hatred towards this guy.
I went to visit my mentor from high school, and told him everything that I went through and what I am going through; he was shocked naturally and gave me his sympathy and empathy, but he noticed through my body language and voice, that I was lonely and scared. He called me out on it, and I told truthfully he was correct; But what he told me next was what hit me like a ton of bricks, he said that for as long as he known me I have always carried the whole world on my shoulders and that should begin to forgive myself for things that I did, some that I are my fault and those that were others. I know I should, and I will I hope, but when is the biggest question.
What am I to you
Tell me darling true
To me you are the sea
Vast as you can be
And deep the shade of blue
When you're feeling low
To whom else do you go
See I cry if you hurt
I'd give you my last shirt
Because I love you so
If my sky should fall
Would you even call
Opened up my heart
I never want to part
I'm giving you the ball
When I look in your eyes
I can feel the butterflies
I love you when you're blue
Tell me darlin' true
What am I to you
Yeah well if my sky should fall
Would you even call
Opened up my heart
Never wanna part
I'm giving you the ball
When I look in your eyes
I can feel the butterflies
Could you find a love in me
Could you carve me in a tree
Don't fill my heart with lies
I will you love when you're blue
Tell me darlin' true
What am I to you