No matter what.
No matter what I do, I don't think I am capable of feeling complete in this adult life that I've made for myself. For some reason, my dream of having a child and a marriage are different than the reality of the two. Technically, I am not married yet but there is a rock on my finger and the fruit of my loin is sleeping unsoundly in the next room. The man who helped create her is half passed out on our queen-size bed, 3 beers to the wind. I'm 2. That's right, I drank tonight. I'm a horrible person. There is a little girl who will probably need fed within the next 2 hours and I know I'm not going to be able to stir BMB out of his sleep. I'm going to do it. Like usual. God, I love her so much, she is so stinking adorable and sweet! I can not imagine my life without her but right now, her dad and I...maybe I'm just being the typical female here, but her dad and I, we just don't mesh on a passion level. Maybe it was the fact that we were each other's firsts, but my virginity-taker (not BMB, different guy) and I were incredibly passionate and on the same sexual wavelength. Brandon and I, not so much. He plays video games until 3am and then comes to bed when I've completely crashed, or else he drinks 3 beers and gets sleepy b/c he's worked an hour over at work. The thing is, they didn't do like, any work tonight, he like, prided himself on telling me that over and over. Then once I get him in bed he's exhausted b/c he worked an hour over. He doesn't hold me when we sleep. It's almost a tease really, the whole situation with that....he holds me until he's ready to fall asleep, then he can't because he's not on his 'right' side so he says he loves me and that he feels bad b/c he can't hold me and blahblahblah and then turns over. I lay there, wide awake again after almost being happily held and asleep and feeling completely loved. I lay there and feel unwanted and shoved away. We've even tried changing sides of the bed. Whichever side he's on, I'm on the wrong side. It never matters. I'm always on the wrong side. And tonight it really breaks me. I just want something from him. I want to KNOW that he thinks I'm beautiful and that he is willing to stay up a little bit longer and kiss me and hold me until I'M sleeping, not just until he's ready to sleep. When did I settle for this? When I got pregnant? Before? When? Why? Girls, don't settle. Don't be all hardass and not see yourself doing it either. Just don't let it happen. Look out for yourself. God. I just want something more. I almost feel selfish saying that, being that he could be losing his job and stuff could be kind of bad for us in a little while, but I just want to be held until I'm asleep and I want to be WANTED, not just the girlfriend/fiance/babymama that gets the routine phone call from work that says, 'What's Emma doing? Okay, well, love you, give Emma a kiss for me, I'm out.' I need someone to need me too. I need Brandon to need me too. I know Emma needs me b/c I'm the only one who wakes up to take care of the little chica but I need someone who NEEDS me in the way a husband needs his wife and the way a boyfriend needs a girlfriend. I need Brandon in a way I will never be needed again. I plan on our marriage being an actual marriage under God and binding. Not this divorce and sign some papers and pay some child support and collect some alimony kind of marriage, I am expecting and striving for forever. So this passion that I am seeking, I need to forget. I need to forget feeling desired. I need to forget it. It's the only way my heart will stop breaking and my tears will stop falling for this useless feeling that I so want and need to feel. I don't want to be jaded to our love or become numb but really, what would I be numb to at this point? I think it would do me emotional and physical good to be numb to his lack of emotional and physical desire to me. And maybe he does desire me in a way that I may not understand...but I need him to tell me about that, all about it. I need to understand it. I need to know, I need him to know, that I have to learn to accept him as him and not someone and something else. That way there won't be any disappointment from me to him. That way Brandon will know that I love him forever no matter what, but sometimes I just can't take sleeping alone while he's on the other side of the bed so far away in his dreamworld while I'm still trying to figure out why he can't sleep w/ his arms around me and why I'm just so easy to let go of at night but if we nap during the day, he's all about holding onto me. He's not okay to act in front of his old friends as he does when it's just me, him, and Emma.
And fuck ever getting a massage.
I look beautiful tonight, black and white, contrasting beautifully. And nothing. I offered him one. He's fine though, doesn't need one. Gulp gulp, mmmm...Budweiser's so delicious. Yes, honey. I am tired and sad.
How disappointing I am.