God forbid.

[can_t_see_it]

God forbid I be happy.
I can't make myself do it.
I can't be happy when he doesn't notice
that I hate it when he interrupts
that I hate it when he yells
that I hate it when he cusses
that I hate it when he persecutes me
especially in front of Emma
that I hate that I don't feel safe w/ him anymore.

I hate being naked in front of him
because he doesn't love my body
the way I want him to
because he mocks my stubbly legs
EVERY FUCKING TIME I DON'T SHAVE
even though he knows good and well that
I don't get to shower every day b/c I'm
always taking care of him and Emma,
cooking lunch, soothing teething babygirl,
washing clothes, washing dishes (even though that's not MY effing job),
folding clothes wishing and asking for help w/ them,
getting grumpy responses b/c BMB is 'always soooooo tired' and
doesn't want to do anything around the damn house.

I want to go to church on Sunday morning like I used to
I want Emma to go w/ me.
I want Brandon to want to go
but it never happens
and he thinks next week will always be okay
and he thinks his fucking half ass kisses are going to change all of this
and he just doesn't fucking think.
And I'm afraid of being married forever
because I don't want to feel like this forever
and I can't deal anymore
so I just sit and don't say anything
and go to work and bottle up even more stupid shit
that happens to go on in my day-to-day life
and come home to a messy house which
I clean up
and sit down at the computer
to write this all in my eljay.

And he has no right.