The Psycho OB/GYN
Today I went to the dr. to see about inducing labor, since last Monday and the Monday before that I was told that we were going to be discussing this issue and still never had. Well, Kim (Brandon's mom) drove me downtown to my appt. which was to be at 1:30. At around 3:00 I was called back to pee in a cup, then I had to return to the waiting room. Around 3:40, Kim and I were called back to the exam room and I got to sit on a table half ass naked w/ one of those huge paper towel-like things covering my bottom half. Around 4, the doctor (a maybe 75-yr-old man whom I have never seen before)came in and started the appt. He will be represented in the recreated convo below as COM or Creepy Old Man. I will be Me and Kim will be K.
COM: How far along are you?
Me: Almost 42 weeks.
COM: (somewhat jovially) Oh, now we wouldn't let you go that far over would we?!
Me: (trying to figure out if this guy is asking a hypothetical question or if I'm actually supposed to answer it) ...my guess is as good as yours.
COM: Well, it says here you're uncertain of your last period. What school did you go to?
Me: What school? High school, college, what?
COM: High school, why not?
Me: Terre Haute North
COM: What?
Me: Terre Haute North Vigo High School
COM: WHAT??
Me: I'm not from here, you probably don't know where that is...Terre Haute...
COM: Tara HOTE?
I'm just staring at him at this point, poor Kim is sitting next to the table wanting to leave b/c I'm half naked and this man is slipping on a glove...his voice is getting kind of rough and annoyed.
COM: Well, I wish girls were educated more on ovulation. Ovulation is a cycle. During the middle of it, you go through some pain, you may know this as cramps or something like that...well, the money world (yep, that's what he said) would save so much money if they would just educate women on this stuff. See, there are lots of women who come in here and think they're dying because of cramps, they don't realize what's going on down there and that those are cramps. They are supposed to be there. They just can't deal with the pain and they go to emergency rooms and they go to Dr.'s offices because of cramps! What is wrong with you people? (yep, he said that too.)
Me: (really trying to figure out what this has to do w/ my pregnant not going through ovulation and haven't been for 9 mos ass has to do with this schpiel) Okay.
K: (Reaching for the doorknob as COM comes toward me w/ the glove) I'm going to step out into the hall.
COM: (closes the door) No, it's okay, you can stay in here.
K: No, I really would like to go in the hall.
COM: No, stay in here.
Me: You can do whatever you want, Kim. (thinking and hoping she can telepathically hear me, 'RUN!!!!!')
COM: Oh, wait, I need a nurse in here anyway before I do this, hang on. (Leaves room)
K: Oh my gosh, what was that about?
Me: I have no idea, I don't think I like this guy.
K: hahaha
Me: Ha...
COM: Okay, here we are.
Nurse: So let's just let her have this baby already!
COM: You're as big as a horse, aren't you?!
Me: No.
COM: (checking my cervix) So you're unsure of the date of your last period, because that's what's written down on your chart. I thought you said it was the 22nd of June but it says unsure but if we're going by your original due date...yeah, you're cervix is in no way ready for this baby, I'm going to strip the membrane (which means 'I'm going to stretch your cervical tissue w/ my fingers, not really consulting you, just lay there wench.') Oh, just relax! You're fine!
COM: So answer me, you don't know when your last cycle was? Don't you have a journal or a calendar? Women do write these things down you know.
Me: I told whoever it was that I saw the first time I was here that my last cycle began around the 22nd or 24th of June.
COM: Well then why does it say unsure? You sound sure to me. Why would someone write that down if you are so sure?
Me: I don't know, why would she write down a date and also the word unsure if I told her a date?
COM: Who was it that you saw?
Me: I don't know.
COM: Molly?
Me: No, it was a different nurse, the one that everyone consults w/ before starting to come here on a regular basis.
COM: There isn't a nurse who does that here.
Me: Her office is right by the lab.
COM: Okay.
Me: I don't know her name...
COM: That's because you...okay, well, anyway, this must be difficult for you to understand. No one here goes by ultrasound results to figure out a due date. Molly's really good at figuring out due dates and she would not go by an ultrasound. She wrote down the 29th for a reason. You say someone else wrote that down the first time you were here. It was Molly.
Me: No, it was the consultation nurse, she gave me a bag of pregnancy education guides and magazines and assorted other items. It wasn't Molly, I met w/ her the week after I first came here.
COM: Okay.
K: So what date are we going by if not by the 11th?
COM: The ORIGINAL date, the date that you're supposed to go by, not the ultrasound date.
K: What date would that be, the 29th? So she's not too far over or anything, that's what we're worried about because we have been going by the 11th which is what Jenny was told for the past 5 mos. Why would she be told that if no one here goes by that date?
COM: I'm not sure but I know she's not over, her cervix isn't ready to deliver this baby.
I'm wondering at this point why this man stretched my cervical membrane to make it more ready for labor if he is now saying that I'm not ready to give birth. Really should have asked.
COM: So you see, you need to be sure about when your last cycle started. The 22nd or the 24th..which one??
Me: One of those...this was in June of last year, sir. I really don't recall, I'm sure I probably did write it down in my planner b/c I always did, I'm psycho like that, but I don't know where my planner is now, I don't need it anymore so I don't have it anymore. It's only a 2 day difference anyway.
COM: Well, what are you basing this fact on?
Me: My mom and I went on vacation that week.
UPDATE: My grandma found where she wrote on her calendar that we left for D.C. on the 16th which was the day I started my cycle because I remember being pissed that I was going to be on a plane while ragging and having to spend time w/ my family. So I will have to tell him that tomorrow while consulting w/ his 'good friend' dr. at my stress test.
COM: Well, you need to figure it out for sure, then I can tell you more about inducing. I don't know why you thought you were due the 11th. You're never supposed to go by ultrasounds. How many people do you think have ultrasounds of their babies? How many, what percentage?
Me: I would say maybe 30%, if we're talking about the U.S.
COM: Ha! A lot less than that, probably about 2!! 2%! Well, in the world, maybe in the U.S.it's more, but in the world?! You have to think about India and places like that!
Me: Mmmhmm...well, why would I be told March 11th if no one here goes by ultrasounds? And what does it matter to me about how many people in the world have ultrasounds done of their babies? You guys are the ones who schedule these things and make women get them. If they are so far off, why bother?
K: Yes, I thought we would be a little more advanced in that technology than you're letting on.
COM: No one told you the 11th.
At this point, I almost fucking lost it.
Me: Whoa...sigh...(shaking my head)...I wasn't told that, I just what, came up with that?
K: It's okay Jenny. Sir, what's your name?
COM: You were told the 29th, got an ultrasound and by the growth of the baby assumed the 11th. I'll have a talk with my good friend Dr. (can't remmy the name...so it's Dr. Drunkard) Dr. Drunkard about this...
Me: What? I can't read those things, we were told by the technician that it was the 10th, Molly said the 11th when she got the results. So yes, I was told the 11th. Obviously.
K: Dr., I'm sorry, what's your name?
COM: I'm going to go find Molly. (leaves the room)
K: It's okay Jenny.
Me: I know I don't like this man. Why won't he tell you his name??
COM: (rushes back in) Okay, Molly's usually really good at due dates, she wouldn't go by an ultrasound at 25 weeks...she just wouldn't.
Me: Then why is that written down on my chart?
COM: I don't know, why?
....WHAT THE HELL?!
K: Doctor, what is your name?
COM: Dr. Mahan.
Me: Okay, so I'm not over, I have a stress test tomorrow at 9.
COM: Oh, I'm going to be at the hospital tomorrow, tell them you need to talk to me along w/ the doctor who signs your test.
Me: You're Dr. Mahan, correct?
COM: And make sure you talk to me before you leave, I'll be in a different part of the hospital but they need to find me before you leave.
Me: (thinking fat chance psycho) Okay.
COM: Because I want to see you Friday as well, you'll need to schedule another test for Friday and then come see me here for another appt.
That's how today's appt. went. I had never met this guy, he walks into the exam room 2 hours after my scheduled appt. was supposed to start, rants about women having severe cramps (also known as endometriosis, fuckface. The reason my mom couldn't have children and you know what, you're exactly the kind of dr. she had to deal w/ back in the 60's when she found out this was what was wrong w/ her. She was told to take a few aspirin to deal w/ the pain, afterall, it couldn't be that bad...well, after her hysterectomy, her doctor now concluded that she should have been on way better medication that could have possibly saved her ovaries and uterus.) And now for some unholy reason, I have the dr. that was trained in the 60's by the same dr.'s who told my mom not to fucking complain as an OB/GYN? And I'm just now having to meet this guy 41wks3days (this date is according to my March 11th due date) into my pregnancy and this clinic thinks that's alright?! And they actually scheduled me to see him on Friday. I'm not seeing him. If he is the one who comes to my exam room door, I will leave. I will grab my clothes and leave. I am hugely prego and hugely emotional and psychotic, not half as psychotic as this guy was but my goodness, there are reasons ppl retire.
He said that he stopped delivering babies at number 5000 and in 1990. That was 15 years ago. So why is he still in this field? Why is he still so interested in making pregnant women uncomfortable and edgy? Kim asked if I needed to cry, she told me to, LoL, after we left the clinic. My God I wanted to. I wanted to so badly but I held it in until I talked to my mom tonight. I even held it in for the most part then. But then I started talking about how I've already been off work for what is going on 4 weeks and well, they don't have to hold my job for me. I haven't worked there long enough to be protected by the FMLA. Chef Joe said that he wanted me back but that was when we all thought I was going to have Emma on the 6th or the 11th, somewhere around there. And money is going to get really tight really fast w/ all these 'stress tests' that they run every week. If she's really not due until the 29th, why keep running these tests twice a week? I'm thinking they cost around $175/ea and well, I'm going for my third one tomorrow. The stress test is only 'standard procedure' if I'm overdue. Why the hell do I have to go in for it if I'm not?
I just talked w/ Brandon for a few mins while he was on break and I know he can't do anything but Christ, it doesn't even seem like this matters to him. He's just like, well, tell them you don't want to see this guy, I dunno. Tell who?! Who the hell do I tell this to? Them? Who is that?? He is the only actual doctor in the friggin' clinic and is in charge of all the residents...he's their freaking instructor, well, that's what he said. I just don't get this. I'm not doing anything wrong by this guy and I think Brandon just believes that I'm just bitter about not having the baby. That I don't like any of those dr.'s or something...
OH MY GOD MY BACK HURTS. Hopefully by stripping my cervical membranes, Satan did actually induce labor enhancing hormones. Come on water, let's break!
COM: How far along are you?
Me: Almost 42 weeks.
COM: (somewhat jovially) Oh, now we wouldn't let you go that far over would we?!
Me: (trying to figure out if this guy is asking a hypothetical question or if I'm actually supposed to answer it) ...my guess is as good as yours.
COM: Well, it says here you're uncertain of your last period. What school did you go to?
Me: What school? High school, college, what?
COM: High school, why not?
Me: Terre Haute North
COM: What?
Me: Terre Haute North Vigo High School
COM: WHAT??
Me: I'm not from here, you probably don't know where that is...Terre Haute...
COM: Tara HOTE?
I'm just staring at him at this point, poor Kim is sitting next to the table wanting to leave b/c I'm half naked and this man is slipping on a glove...his voice is getting kind of rough and annoyed.
COM: Well, I wish girls were educated more on ovulation. Ovulation is a cycle. During the middle of it, you go through some pain, you may know this as cramps or something like that...well, the money world (yep, that's what he said) would save so much money if they would just educate women on this stuff. See, there are lots of women who come in here and think they're dying because of cramps, they don't realize what's going on down there and that those are cramps. They are supposed to be there. They just can't deal with the pain and they go to emergency rooms and they go to Dr.'s offices because of cramps! What is wrong with you people? (yep, he said that too.)
Me: (really trying to figure out what this has to do w/ my pregnant not going through ovulation and haven't been for 9 mos ass has to do with this schpiel) Okay.
K: (Reaching for the doorknob as COM comes toward me w/ the glove) I'm going to step out into the hall.
COM: (closes the door) No, it's okay, you can stay in here.
K: No, I really would like to go in the hall.
COM: No, stay in here.
Me: You can do whatever you want, Kim. (thinking and hoping she can telepathically hear me, 'RUN!!!!!')
COM: Oh, wait, I need a nurse in here anyway before I do this, hang on. (Leaves room)
K: Oh my gosh, what was that about?
Me: I have no idea, I don't think I like this guy.
K: hahaha
Me: Ha...
COM: Okay, here we are.
Nurse: So let's just let her have this baby already!
COM: You're as big as a horse, aren't you?!
Me: No.
COM: (checking my cervix) So you're unsure of the date of your last period, because that's what's written down on your chart. I thought you said it was the 22nd of June but it says unsure but if we're going by your original due date...yeah, you're cervix is in no way ready for this baby, I'm going to strip the membrane (which means 'I'm going to stretch your cervical tissue w/ my fingers, not really consulting you, just lay there wench.') Oh, just relax! You're fine!
COM: So answer me, you don't know when your last cycle was? Don't you have a journal or a calendar? Women do write these things down you know.
Me: I told whoever it was that I saw the first time I was here that my last cycle began around the 22nd or 24th of June.
COM: Well then why does it say unsure? You sound sure to me. Why would someone write that down if you are so sure?
Me: I don't know, why would she write down a date and also the word unsure if I told her a date?
COM: Who was it that you saw?
Me: I don't know.
COM: Molly?
Me: No, it was a different nurse, the one that everyone consults w/ before starting to come here on a regular basis.
COM: There isn't a nurse who does that here.
Me: Her office is right by the lab.
COM: Okay.
Me: I don't know her name...
COM: That's because you...okay, well, anyway, this must be difficult for you to understand. No one here goes by ultrasound results to figure out a due date. Molly's really good at figuring out due dates and she would not go by an ultrasound. She wrote down the 29th for a reason. You say someone else wrote that down the first time you were here. It was Molly.
Me: No, it was the consultation nurse, she gave me a bag of pregnancy education guides and magazines and assorted other items. It wasn't Molly, I met w/ her the week after I first came here.
COM: Okay.
K: So what date are we going by if not by the 11th?
COM: The ORIGINAL date, the date that you're supposed to go by, not the ultrasound date.
K: What date would that be, the 29th? So she's not too far over or anything, that's what we're worried about because we have been going by the 11th which is what Jenny was told for the past 5 mos. Why would she be told that if no one here goes by that date?
COM: I'm not sure but I know she's not over, her cervix isn't ready to deliver this baby.
I'm wondering at this point why this man stretched my cervical membrane to make it more ready for labor if he is now saying that I'm not ready to give birth. Really should have asked.
COM: So you see, you need to be sure about when your last cycle started. The 22nd or the 24th..which one??
Me: One of those...this was in June of last year, sir. I really don't recall, I'm sure I probably did write it down in my planner b/c I always did, I'm psycho like that, but I don't know where my planner is now, I don't need it anymore so I don't have it anymore. It's only a 2 day difference anyway.
COM: Well, what are you basing this fact on?
Me: My mom and I went on vacation that week.
UPDATE: My grandma found where she wrote on her calendar that we left for D.C. on the 16th which was the day I started my cycle because I remember being pissed that I was going to be on a plane while ragging and having to spend time w/ my family. So I will have to tell him that tomorrow while consulting w/ his 'good friend' dr. at my stress test.
COM: Well, you need to figure it out for sure, then I can tell you more about inducing. I don't know why you thought you were due the 11th. You're never supposed to go by ultrasounds. How many people do you think have ultrasounds of their babies? How many, what percentage?
Me: I would say maybe 30%, if we're talking about the U.S.
COM: Ha! A lot less than that, probably about 2!! 2%! Well, in the world, maybe in the U.S.it's more, but in the world?! You have to think about India and places like that!
Me: Mmmhmm...well, why would I be told March 11th if no one here goes by ultrasounds? And what does it matter to me about how many people in the world have ultrasounds done of their babies? You guys are the ones who schedule these things and make women get them. If they are so far off, why bother?
K: Yes, I thought we would be a little more advanced in that technology than you're letting on.
COM: No one told you the 11th.
At this point, I almost fucking lost it.
Me: Whoa...sigh...(shaking my head)...I wasn't told that, I just what, came up with that?
K: It's okay Jenny. Sir, what's your name?
COM: You were told the 29th, got an ultrasound and by the growth of the baby assumed the 11th. I'll have a talk with my good friend Dr. (can't remmy the name...so it's Dr. Drunkard) Dr. Drunkard about this...
Me: What? I can't read those things, we were told by the technician that it was the 10th, Molly said the 11th when she got the results. So yes, I was told the 11th. Obviously.
K: Dr., I'm sorry, what's your name?
COM: I'm going to go find Molly. (leaves the room)
K: It's okay Jenny.
Me: I know I don't like this man. Why won't he tell you his name??
COM: (rushes back in) Okay, Molly's usually really good at due dates, she wouldn't go by an ultrasound at 25 weeks...she just wouldn't.
Me: Then why is that written down on my chart?
COM: I don't know, why?
....WHAT THE HELL?!
K: Doctor, what is your name?
COM: Dr. Mahan.
Me: Okay, so I'm not over, I have a stress test tomorrow at 9.
COM: Oh, I'm going to be at the hospital tomorrow, tell them you need to talk to me along w/ the doctor who signs your test.
Me: You're Dr. Mahan, correct?
COM: And make sure you talk to me before you leave, I'll be in a different part of the hospital but they need to find me before you leave.
Me: (thinking fat chance psycho) Okay.
COM: Because I want to see you Friday as well, you'll need to schedule another test for Friday and then come see me here for another appt.
That's how today's appt. went. I had never met this guy, he walks into the exam room 2 hours after my scheduled appt. was supposed to start, rants about women having severe cramps (also known as endometriosis, fuckface. The reason my mom couldn't have children and you know what, you're exactly the kind of dr. she had to deal w/ back in the 60's when she found out this was what was wrong w/ her. She was told to take a few aspirin to deal w/ the pain, afterall, it couldn't be that bad...well, after her hysterectomy, her doctor now concluded that she should have been on way better medication that could have possibly saved her ovaries and uterus.) And now for some unholy reason, I have the dr. that was trained in the 60's by the same dr.'s who told my mom not to fucking complain as an OB/GYN? And I'm just now having to meet this guy 41wks3days (this date is according to my March 11th due date) into my pregnancy and this clinic thinks that's alright?! And they actually scheduled me to see him on Friday. I'm not seeing him. If he is the one who comes to my exam room door, I will leave. I will grab my clothes and leave. I am hugely prego and hugely emotional and psychotic, not half as psychotic as this guy was but my goodness, there are reasons ppl retire.
He said that he stopped delivering babies at number 5000 and in 1990. That was 15 years ago. So why is he still in this field? Why is he still so interested in making pregnant women uncomfortable and edgy? Kim asked if I needed to cry, she told me to, LoL, after we left the clinic. My God I wanted to. I wanted to so badly but I held it in until I talked to my mom tonight. I even held it in for the most part then. But then I started talking about how I've already been off work for what is going on 4 weeks and well, they don't have to hold my job for me. I haven't worked there long enough to be protected by the FMLA. Chef Joe said that he wanted me back but that was when we all thought I was going to have Emma on the 6th or the 11th, somewhere around there. And money is going to get really tight really fast w/ all these 'stress tests' that they run every week. If she's really not due until the 29th, why keep running these tests twice a week? I'm thinking they cost around $175/ea and well, I'm going for my third one tomorrow. The stress test is only 'standard procedure' if I'm overdue. Why the hell do I have to go in for it if I'm not?
I just talked w/ Brandon for a few mins while he was on break and I know he can't do anything but Christ, it doesn't even seem like this matters to him. He's just like, well, tell them you don't want to see this guy, I dunno. Tell who?! Who the hell do I tell this to? Them? Who is that?? He is the only actual doctor in the friggin' clinic and is in charge of all the residents...he's their freaking instructor, well, that's what he said. I just don't get this. I'm not doing anything wrong by this guy and I think Brandon just believes that I'm just bitter about not having the baby. That I don't like any of those dr.'s or something...
OH MY GOD MY BACK HURTS. Hopefully by stripping my cervical membranes, Satan did actually induce labor enhancing hormones. Come on water, let's break!