I'm like this horrible person....

[can_t_see_it]

Tony Dungy's son has passed away from what appears to be a suicide.  Then of course Jason has to say something because he has an opinion on everything...and says, 'What is that like??  The kid was 18!  That has to be awful!' and I usually just ignore Jason...but I've had two suicides in my realm and I'm not too keen on remembering them and how they affected me.  I'm completely morose now though...thinking of John and Daniel.  And I think of Daniel just about every day but not like I used to...just enough to know that he was a part of me and still is...no specifics...just generalities.  But it's all coming back and I just can't NOT write about it.  Daniel was 18 when his father found him in their basement.  I know God doesn't allow people who take their own life to come into heaven and that hurts so bad to know...but Daniel thought death was better than what he was going through at the time...it's just so temporary, what he was dealing with...stupid boys i.e. Bronson and Tys among others, regardless of whether they were his friends before, they were being complete dickheads to him at the time.  And they had been my friends too, and were being crappy to me as well...but it was like their coming of age...all of a sudden, as we were seniors in our stupid little teensy high school in Terre Haute, Indiana, they were on top of everything.  They were wrestlers, football players, they got drunk w/ the actual popular kids, they made fun of the rest of us...and Daniel, by May 9, couldn't take it anymore.  He wanted his boys back, the ones who didn't do all the ravey stuff he did, just the normal boys that he wrestled with and whatnot...and he was my online confidant.  Everything that ever happened to me that I couldnt' tell anyone else, I'd tell Daniel.  Because me not being a virgin wasn't a bad thing to him and he told me it was okay that Matt wouldn't say he loved me even though we had started making love.  Because when my mom was driving me absolutely crazy when assuming I had been out drinking when I had actually been out on a Saturday night at Coffee Grounds for 5 hours just talking and meeting up w/ everyone...he was the only one who would still get online that night after we all got home to talk about everything we somehow didn't get to at the coffee shop.  Because he knew culinary school was my best bet b/c I hated school and I baked him cookies a lot.  Ha.  Because we shaved Matt Epplin's head w/ Daniel's pube razor.  LMAO...God that hilarious.  I can still see Eppy's hair floating off the deck into the lake at Daniel's house.  I remember having a crush on him in elementary school while he was chasing my friend and I but chasing us only because he liked her.  And then getting to actually know him in middle school on the bus while he 'cast spells' on the annoying kids.  One time, this girl swore her cat died because of him.  Stephanie Dierker.  Wow, I don't know how I remember names like that.  She had just moved to Terre Haute and of course, had been sooooo freaking annoying that Daniel cast a spell on her.  Or her cat.  He wasn't goth or anything, just a little too well-versed on odd things...I remember playing w/ his hair during Mrs. Livengood's lit class while he stared at Ashley James.  Man he loved her even if he did have a girlfriend.  No one liked his girl anyway.   And my last memory of him and I?  I think it was almost May...maybe it was already May.  He had just gotten beat up at a party by some jackasses ganged up on him...and it was something about Tasha.  The next Monday we had a half day from school.  I went straight home and put on pj pants cuz I was all Aunt Flo-ish and whatnot and didn't have to work later that day...I was just going to lounge...I got online and of course, there was Daniel.  I told him I was coming over and bringing lunch.  We ate while we talked about his mom's creepy ass obsession w/ porcelain dolls (they were staring at us...) and then he was telling me about what he was going to do for Tasha, his gf, for May Day...maybe this had already happened...I dunno...can't remmy now.  But he bought her flowers, took her to this spot in the park they liked, and just talked all day and fooled around.  He told her he loved her.  She didn't say anything back.  I guess this had already happened--so it was def. already May.  Anyway, he said, 'I thought of you because that is what Matt's like to you.'  Come to find out, 2 years later, Matt still doesn't love me so I dump him and finally move past it.  Anyway, Daniel and I played w/ this magnetic puzzle thing that his parents had gotten and I was obsessed w/ for forever...and taht was our day.  May 9, Bronson called me at work to say that Daniel was in the hospital on life support.  His parents didn't know if I knew or not.  I left Java Haute and drove to Union Hospital so slowly...Garrett Bennett was walking in when I was...we got to the ICU and there was everyone, Daniel's priest, his mom and dad and sister...a bunch of other ppl...Matt Cahill...one of those guys who somehow is friends w/ every single person he meets....was crying on the couch.  That's when it hit me.  I almost fell down.  Daniel wasn't just on life support....it wasn't something that could be fixed..he was brain-dead.  He was dead.  If you've never seen anyone on life support...I dont' know what to say...just...there is no preparing for it.  Garrett started talking to him when we went in...saying that he had to join him at IU in the fall...it wasn't going to be the same.  I just said, I love you so much...you're the best friend...that one, true, no matter what happens EVER, best friend.  Alice, Eppy's g/f, said later that she had talked to him online that night, he was super pissed and down and said that 'You and Jenny are the only friends I have left.'  Tyson was the first one to tell me that and I thought he was being a dick so I told him to get his head out of his ass and fuck off some other way.

I went to IUPUI after graduating and met my now best friends who, even though I'm in hellacious KY, know just about everything about me and my day-to-day.  Thanks Eljay...  Anyway, I went to IUPUI and one day, appasjack IM's me.  I have no idea who it is so I just close the window.  He keeps im-ing me and it's all these RHCP lyrics. Finally I ask who it is.  Bronson.  This kid who caused all kinds of hell is now trying to ruin my new life in Indy.  This is what I thought anyway.  Daniel's death had caused Bronson to have this turn-around moment in his life.  He was now in a new town (Bloomington) at IU w/o Daniel and with like, 3 friends.  They all lived in different areas of IU so he didn't really get to see anyone...he asks a huge question.  Did I think that Daniel hung himself over his old friends turned enemies?  I said, 'I believe he did.'  Bronson and Tys now are two of my good friends...Tyson's in Iraq w/ a marine unit...Bronson's still at IU and an Army Reserve who does a lot of special op's training and mountain stuff during summer.  Somehow the two ppl I really thought I would hate for the rest of my life are two of the like, 5 I still talk to from high school.  Daniel Geib is still in me wherever I go...even if his memory is resting dormant in me until a time like this.  And damn Jason for bringing all of this back to me...

So rest in peace James Dungy...may your family be comforted by their beliefs and each other because that is what they truly need.  And to John Higar and his family...I know it's been about 15 years...but I remember it was about this time in the year...and it was cold...and I know Cassie can still hear her father running outside w/ his shotgun while her mom was yelling at him from the kitchen...and standing there while her mom ran outside after the gun went to his head, and her mom wailing and the shot and how her whole body just stood there with her cousin.  It still makes me want to puke.  I hate her mom to this day.  I hate her.  I hate her.  And Daniel.  I still have a hole in my heart where only a memory lies.  I don't want to forget you.  At all...nothing.  But I know I am and I know I'm just going to have to deal.

There has been too much death in my life.  ha...I know that sounds strange...but just too much...many great-aunts and uncles...my brother...my great-grandma...my grandpa...my uncle...and a very good friend.

I'm done...if you actually read all of this, may God bless you so much.  I need to go to bed.