I Must, I Shoud, I Want
How long has it been since I used this journal?
I can type faster than I can write, and speed is important; I only have so much time to write before the muscles start cramping up, and I become permanently distracted. So I'll get on with the substance of this post, whatever that is, exactly.
So much has changed since I started using this journal a lifetime ago. But not an entire lifetime. I still feel connected to my Can_o_Beans avatar, so something at least has not changed, and I am still here in the way that I was when this journal began, still here as the same person in one small sense if not several more.
Just returned from the gym, and shopping. Day off today. Saw Periphery play last night with Kate. They are some amazing dudes. I hope to see them play in a better venue one day. Mojoe's is a relative dive, both Periphery and Dead Letter Circus deserved much bigger, more carefully engineered shows. I hope they get those things, and I hope I get to see it happen.
There. Back muscles twinge already, violin strings cranked past native pitch. Ting. Pinkink. Tink.
What did I mean to say?
My free time is so limited, but that hasn't stopped me from wasting it idly for years. By "wasting" I mean to say that I haven't been engaged in building anything. I stand on a platform built and raised by my past efforts, intended and otherwise, and I've stood at a waypoint among waypoints for years now. I give myself some credit for having tried hard, having done a few things well now and then, but I don't feel that my life now is a product of vision or purpose.
I have the day off today. Meaning, I have more than a few hours all in a row to use as I please. That's what this entry is about. But, fuck if it isn't time for a stretch already.
- there. I was about to prompt myself by saying, "What should I do today?"
Let's start with duties. What must I do today?
I MUST find my driver's license, or possibly go get a new one. Where the hell is it? I guess that comes next, after this entry. But I must also eat. If I don't think about that it won't happen. Already, just with these two things - find license, and eat food - I've sectioned off between one hour and...all available hours today. Jebus help me if I have to go to the DMV. But if I do, maybe I'll have to wait, in which case I can implement the DMV sub-task list: read, play chess, and I guess that's it. But those are both things I'd like to do anyway.
What else must I do? Shower. Shave, probably. Seeing long white hairs on my face is weird. Not bad, not good, just weird. And new.
I must stretch. I must stop reflecting on what I might do with my day at some point, too, or I'll have no time for anything. I already did the gym and stopped at the store. Two quasi-must activities. Credit there, two points.
I should watch some Coursera lecture videos (sound class), but maybe I'll have a chance to do that while I'm in Michigan this weekend. The same goes for the C# tutorials. But I don't like closing myself off from company when I have company, and I will be among others. Maybe I should learn to be flexible on this point. Others, generally, seem to be ok with sitting in a group, attending exclusively to their phones and laptops. I could do the same, incur no disapproval for it (except possibly my own), and I'd get more done. I'd free up "day off" time, effectively.
OK, here's the next category then: what do I want to do? I want to play music. But if I'm that vague about it, I might not do anything. What music? I'd like to play my piano and my electric guitar. I'd like to record a short but complete track that I can listen to and say "There, that could sure use some improvement, but it's pretty good and I'm glad I did it."
I want to write, creative writing, possibly fiction. I don't need to be specific here because there are so many things taking my attention, really it's just a matter of sitting down and digging into whichever one seems best at the moment. It would be good to integrate my efforts at music and writing, as in the form of a screenplay or a video game story outline/motif. There's an idea: maybe I could record with an hear toward the thought of writing I'd like to develop. This isn't a new idea for me but it helps to state it plainly in writing this way, I think.
I want to play video games. This is unquestionably the least constructive activity of all listed so far. That means it should be stricken from the list of possibilities.
OK. Enough time spent doing this. It's nearly 11am now, which means it will be early afternoon any moment, and once that happens the day is practically gone.
One more: I must breathe, deeply and often, and keep in mind that many aspects of my life are very good, very steady in their goodness, no reason to freak out. I must take it easy.
I can type faster than I can write, and speed is important; I only have so much time to write before the muscles start cramping up, and I become permanently distracted. So I'll get on with the substance of this post, whatever that is, exactly.
So much has changed since I started using this journal a lifetime ago. But not an entire lifetime. I still feel connected to my Can_o_Beans avatar, so something at least has not changed, and I am still here in the way that I was when this journal began, still here as the same person in one small sense if not several more.
Just returned from the gym, and shopping. Day off today. Saw Periphery play last night with Kate. They are some amazing dudes. I hope to see them play in a better venue one day. Mojoe's is a relative dive, both Periphery and Dead Letter Circus deserved much bigger, more carefully engineered shows. I hope they get those things, and I hope I get to see it happen.
There. Back muscles twinge already, violin strings cranked past native pitch. Ting. Pinkink. Tink.
What did I mean to say?
My free time is so limited, but that hasn't stopped me from wasting it idly for years. By "wasting" I mean to say that I haven't been engaged in building anything. I stand on a platform built and raised by my past efforts, intended and otherwise, and I've stood at a waypoint among waypoints for years now. I give myself some credit for having tried hard, having done a few things well now and then, but I don't feel that my life now is a product of vision or purpose.
I have the day off today. Meaning, I have more than a few hours all in a row to use as I please. That's what this entry is about. But, fuck if it isn't time for a stretch already.
- there. I was about to prompt myself by saying, "What should I do today?"
Let's start with duties. What must I do today?
I MUST find my driver's license, or possibly go get a new one. Where the hell is it? I guess that comes next, after this entry. But I must also eat. If I don't think about that it won't happen. Already, just with these two things - find license, and eat food - I've sectioned off between one hour and...all available hours today. Jebus help me if I have to go to the DMV. But if I do, maybe I'll have to wait, in which case I can implement the DMV sub-task list: read, play chess, and I guess that's it. But those are both things I'd like to do anyway.
What else must I do? Shower. Shave, probably. Seeing long white hairs on my face is weird. Not bad, not good, just weird. And new.
I must stretch. I must stop reflecting on what I might do with my day at some point, too, or I'll have no time for anything. I already did the gym and stopped at the store. Two quasi-must activities. Credit there, two points.
I should watch some Coursera lecture videos (sound class), but maybe I'll have a chance to do that while I'm in Michigan this weekend. The same goes for the C# tutorials. But I don't like closing myself off from company when I have company, and I will be among others. Maybe I should learn to be flexible on this point. Others, generally, seem to be ok with sitting in a group, attending exclusively to their phones and laptops. I could do the same, incur no disapproval for it (except possibly my own), and I'd get more done. I'd free up "day off" time, effectively.
OK, here's the next category then: what do I want to do? I want to play music. But if I'm that vague about it, I might not do anything. What music? I'd like to play my piano and my electric guitar. I'd like to record a short but complete track that I can listen to and say "There, that could sure use some improvement, but it's pretty good and I'm glad I did it."
I want to write, creative writing, possibly fiction. I don't need to be specific here because there are so many things taking my attention, really it's just a matter of sitting down and digging into whichever one seems best at the moment. It would be good to integrate my efforts at music and writing, as in the form of a screenplay or a video game story outline/motif. There's an idea: maybe I could record with an hear toward the thought of writing I'd like to develop. This isn't a new idea for me but it helps to state it plainly in writing this way, I think.
I want to play video games. This is unquestionably the least constructive activity of all listed so far. That means it should be stricken from the list of possibilities.
OK. Enough time spent doing this. It's nearly 11am now, which means it will be early afternoon any moment, and once that happens the day is practically gone.
One more: I must breathe, deeply and often, and keep in mind that many aspects of my life are very good, very steady in their goodness, no reason to freak out. I must take it easy.