Lost and all alone
I posted this on tumblr already but I felt like posting it here as well... I spent too much time and tears writing this, so here you go...
I will never get tired talking about how lost and how alone Cas is.
He literally gave his everything for Dean (and sometimes Sam) to be happy. He raised him from hell, saved him from torturing souls and from becoming a monster, he listened to HIS judgement more than to Uriel’s, he obeyed him, even when it was against all rules. He betrayed his family, his father, God himself, he got punished, he tried to forget about Dean, tried to deny the bond they share but couldn’t.
In the end he stopped heaven’s plans, he did what Dean told him, what Dean was sure was the right path and he lost home. He go stranded on earth with no powers, no future and a family that wanted him dead. He still didn’t complain (other than those few times in “Good God Y’all” and “Point of no return”) and neither Dean nor Sam did care. Not really. Did one of them ever ask Cas what it’s like?
Sam saw how this destroyed Cas when he told him he drank an entire liquor store. Dean saw how this destroyed him when he gave him the painkillers in “99 problems”.
I know Dean is not the type of person who talks about his feelings. I don’t blame him entirely but he’s the reason, Cas broke in the end. In “The End” we saw that even after falling, after becoming human and losing literally everything, being the only fallen angel in this world, Cas would still believe in Dean, would still follow Dean, even when he knew that it’s going to be the death of him. He would rather die for Dean than live alone.
So Dean should’ve known, Dean should’ve noticed that Cas would only ever come if HE called, he would do whatever HE asked him to and he would listen to whatever HE said. Dean should’ve known that HE was the only person, Cas cared about and he should’ve been there for him. Dean thought it was enough calling him when they needed his help, Dean thought Cas would understand, would somehow know that he cared about him, too.
But how was Cas supposed to understand when he doesn’t even get the simplest references? How was he supposed to understand Dean’s kind of love when he never really experienced real love? The only love he knows is his fathers and his brothers. And his father abandoned him. And his brothers want to kill him. What is supposed to do?
So he does the only thing he thinks is right. He sets out to kill Raphael. He tries to save heaven, his former home, so that the earth, Dean’s home, won’t be destroyed. And Dean doesn’t understand. Even worse, Dean wants him to stop. Dean wants him to just sit tight and let them do their ‘work’, when Cas knows how dangerous Raphael is and that he’s gonna kill every living person on earth, including the first and only human he ever had real feelings for.
So Cas ignores Dean’s command. For the first time in his existence he’s doing what HE thinks is right, even when he knows that Dean will probably hate him for it. He asks for acceptance, for trust twice and all he gets is rejection and incomprehension and hate. So Castiel breaks. He opens purgatory and becomes the new God, he destroys Raphael and saves Dean. And how could he refuse this feeling of power the souls give him? When, for the first time, they dull the pain and heartache Dean causes him?
I will never get tired talking about how lost and how alone Cas is.
He literally gave his everything for Dean (and sometimes Sam) to be happy. He raised him from hell, saved him from torturing souls and from becoming a monster, he listened to HIS judgement more than to Uriel’s, he obeyed him, even when it was against all rules. He betrayed his family, his father, God himself, he got punished, he tried to forget about Dean, tried to deny the bond they share but couldn’t.
In the end he stopped heaven’s plans, he did what Dean told him, what Dean was sure was the right path and he lost home. He go stranded on earth with no powers, no future and a family that wanted him dead. He still didn’t complain (other than those few times in “Good God Y’all” and “Point of no return”) and neither Dean nor Sam did care. Not really. Did one of them ever ask Cas what it’s like?
Sam saw how this destroyed Cas when he told him he drank an entire liquor store. Dean saw how this destroyed him when he gave him the painkillers in “99 problems”.
I know Dean is not the type of person who talks about his feelings. I don’t blame him entirely but he’s the reason, Cas broke in the end. In “The End” we saw that even after falling, after becoming human and losing literally everything, being the only fallen angel in this world, Cas would still believe in Dean, would still follow Dean, even when he knew that it’s going to be the death of him. He would rather die for Dean than live alone.
So Dean should’ve known, Dean should’ve noticed that Cas would only ever come if HE called, he would do whatever HE asked him to and he would listen to whatever HE said. Dean should’ve known that HE was the only person, Cas cared about and he should’ve been there for him. Dean thought it was enough calling him when they needed his help, Dean thought Cas would understand, would somehow know that he cared about him, too.
But how was Cas supposed to understand when he doesn’t even get the simplest references? How was he supposed to understand Dean’s kind of love when he never really experienced real love? The only love he knows is his fathers and his brothers. And his father abandoned him. And his brothers want to kill him. What is supposed to do?
So he does the only thing he thinks is right. He sets out to kill Raphael. He tries to save heaven, his former home, so that the earth, Dean’s home, won’t be destroyed. And Dean doesn’t understand. Even worse, Dean wants him to stop. Dean wants him to just sit tight and let them do their ‘work’, when Cas knows how dangerous Raphael is and that he’s gonna kill every living person on earth, including the first and only human he ever had real feelings for.
So Cas ignores Dean’s command. For the first time in his existence he’s doing what HE thinks is right, even when he knows that Dean will probably hate him for it. He asks for acceptance, for trust twice and all he gets is rejection and incomprehension and hate. So Castiel breaks. He opens purgatory and becomes the new God, he destroys Raphael and saves Dean. And how could he refuse this feeling of power the souls give him? When, for the first time, they dull the pain and heartache Dean causes him?