Light of the Fireflies [fanfic]-Chapter 2
Title: Light of the
Fireflies
Author: Camsahead
Genre: Romance, tragedy, friendship, fluff [-ish],comedy [-ish]
Pairing: Yamada Ryosuke x OC x Chinen Yuri
[Kawashima Umika played my OC in the trailer]
Type: Chaptered
Status: on going
General Summary: Kashiwagi Miu has always been so
insecure and she simply can't understand why Ryosuke always tries so hard to
convince her otherwise. One day, Miu is told that he passed away in an accident
and she can't blame anyone else but herself for the cause. Chinen, Ryosuke's
best friend, steps in from the shadows and tries his best to help Miu cope with
her loss and tries to show her Ryosuke's own side of the story. The two had
thought that the accident brought the end to Ryosuke but they were both wrong.
Ryosuke's soul reamins attached to the world as a ghost, unwilling to leave Miu
alone as she is now.
Time didn’t seem to exist for me. It wasn’t as if it stopped or the clock stayed still-nothing like that. It just didn’t exist, it just wasn’t there. I felt like I was separated from this world, my body acting out more on instinct and reflexes rather than of choice or will. Everything seemed to pass by me in a blur. Nothing could register in my mind correctly. My days consisted of the regularities for living-eating, sleeping, maintaining hygiene. Nothing more and nothing less.
I lay under my futon, half asleep to the world. I could hear the rain pouring down outside. It was one of those times in June or July when the rain just randomly decided to come. Having nothing else better to do, I listened to the rain, engulfing myself in its sound as it made contact to solid objects. For some reason, it felt calming.
Either I was already asleep or I was too preoccupied with the rain but which ever reason it was, I still didn’t notice someone had entered my room.
“Um…Kashiwagi-san?” I heard someone whisper gently, then a finger brushing my bangs out of my face. It felt nice. Just the way Ryosuke used to do it….Ryosuke….
My eyes shot open from the memory. “Ryosuke?!” I called out, sitting up straight but I moved too fast as my head suddenly became dizzy.
“Are you okay?” I heard the person there ask me. Male it seemed and the voice sounded familiar.
“Um…yes….,” I murmured, clutching my head, waiting for it to pass. When it had, I lifted my head to see the person.
“You’re not…,” I started but trailed off. Of course it wouldn’t be Ryosuke. He would never call me Kashiwagi-san [even when we weren’t close yet he outright called me by my first name]. And besides…Ryosuke was…
“I’m Chinen Yuri….we met a couple of times before,” he reminded, looking at me in a worried way.
“Oh…,” was all I managed. I don’t know how long it had been since I had actually spoken to someone. I only lived with my mother who was always busy and even if she tried talking to me, I didn’t remember-everything seemed like a blur. This was the first time I actually felt like I was here.
“I…was asked to come to you,” he said and I looked at him questioningly. Now noticing that he was the type of guy that said things half way and you had to push for further explanation, probably because he was so smart-he expected everyone else to be at the same wave length as he was in.
“Asked?” I prompted, fixing my hair self-consciously.
“Asked if you were okay. Sensei told me yesterday she was supposed to come over but the teachers had an activity this morning. I agreed to go since I memorize where your house is,” he patiently explained to me but again with the clueless ending.
“Why do you memorize where I live?” I asked suspiciously, not minding why it was HIM sensei had relied on. Well, it was understandable, he was top student.
“I was close to Ryosuke,” he brushed off, as if that was supposed to make up for everything. It gave another reason for sensei to go to him for possible help.
“And…how did you get in?” I asked, taking my legs out of the futon, landing my feet on the floor.
“Spare key-under the tulips pot,” he answered instinctively as if all the answers came out to him so naturally.
I looked at him curiously. I was the only one who used that spare key. I was the only one who knew where it was…and Ryosuke.
I shook my head, yeah, he was a close friend of Ryosuke’s. Maybe he accidentally blurted it out or something.
“Aren’t you going to attend…the funeral?” he asked me cautiously, as if about to enter a danger zone which was probably true because I suddenly felt something in me further crack more than it was already damaged.
“I’m sorry to have brought that up,” he apologized suddenly looking flustered.
“Iie,” I murmured. That’s right. I have to wake up later on.
“I’m a pathetic girlfriend,” I said, passing a hand across my face.
“Eh?”
“I don’t even know…when….that is,” I answered, not being able to say the word funeral. It just felt so heavy against my tongue to say it.
“Ayashii…,” I heard someone say from the doorway. I turned my head towards the voice and was surprised to find a girl of about 10 years old, poking her head in my room. From her face, I could immediately tell she was Chinen’s relative. They had the same eyes, expression, and nose.
“Chiaki! I told you to stay outside!” Chinen reprimanded, going over to her as she fully stepped into my room.
“But it’s boring outside. Besides, you just might do weird things to her,” the little girl protested.
“What weird things?!” Chinen demanded and I could only see the side of his face but I swear, I saw his cheeks turn pink.
“But Chinii-chan I always hear you talk about weird things like fireworks with Ryonii-chan especially with this girl,” she said defiantly, nudging her head towards me. But my ears got stuck on weird things and fireworks.
“Chi-chiaki! That’s a different girl we were talking about!!!” Chinen told her, moving his hands around worriedly.
“No, no. I saw her picture. Ryonii-chan showed you the picture and I saw it too! It’s her,” she said, remaining stubborn. I stayed still in my position feeling totally awkward.
“Iya, dakara, please just wait outside!” Chinen begged, trying to lead her out the room but she gracefully avoided his pushing and came up to me, eyeing me head to toe as I squirmed.
“Hi…,” I said to her, smiling, pathetically waving my hand.
“Fake,” she told me.
“Eh?” I asked. Though I wasn’t that close to Chinen yet, I could tell she had some of his characteristics. Always had to push a bit more to understand what they meant.
“Your smile…it’s fake,” she expounded and I stupidly, touched my lips-wide-eyed at this girl. She was different from most kids I knew.
“Chiaki!” Chinen reprimanded.
“Will you cure her?” she asked Chinen, turning away from me to face him.
“No!” Chinen said, seemingly defensive.
“So you’ll just leave her like that?” she asked, apparently shocked and disappointed by his answer…whatever it meant.
“Of course I won’t but..,” Chinen trailed off. These two seemed to understand something I didn’t quite get. Cure….were they talking about ME?!
“But what?” Chiaki demanded, crossing her arms over her chest disapprovingly. Past her pigtails and cute face, she seemed mature for her age.
“It isn’t that simple, okay?” Chinen replied, frustrated, running his hand through his hair. By that simple gesture, again, I thought it was Ryosuke I was looking at. Maybe best friends really do have a lot of similarities, whether they’re conscious of it or not.
“Umm….,” I hesitantly said, deciding it was time I made my presence known again.
“Ah! Sorry, she’s…out of control for me,” Chinen apologized, pushing Chiaki behind him as if that could hide her strong aura from me.
“Iie…it’s okay but…I’d like to change into my uniform,” I told him.
“Okay~,” Chiaki said happily going out of the room but stopped when she noticed Chinen following her.
“Don’t you want to stay and watch her change?” she asked, turning around, looking so innocent.
“EH,” came out of me, my cheeks turning red.
“Baka!” Chinen told her and pushed her out of my room, closing the door behind him.
I actually didn’t feel like going to school. I was afraid of what awaited me there. I was afraid of what wasn’t waiting for me there. I was afraid of seeing all those people, breathing, alive but the one I wanted to see the most…wouldn’t ever be there again.
“I’m sorry about a while ago,” Chinen told me as we made our way up the hill to our school. The rain had stopped which was pretty convenient. I was lazy to bring around an umbrella.
“It’s fine. She’s an interesting girl,” I replied, for once knowing what he was talking about without further explanation. Chiaki had gone the other way to her school a little bit earlier.
“She knows too much for her age,” he said and grimaced. Strangely, his expression made me giggle. And as if caught in a naughty act, I cleared my throat of the giggle and lowered my eyes. The giggle felt so out of place, so different now. I was sure Chinen noticed how I felt by the look in his eyes but he remained silent. I wonder what his true personality was when he wasn’t being too nice and considerate. Pity can sometimes change a person from their true selves even for just short moments.
“We’re here,” he said as we reached the school gate. I looked at the school. No one was around since classes had already started. We were really late. But still…that didn’t change the fact that I felt so small-so afraid.
“Let’s go,” he said, sensing my hesitation and smiled warmly at me.
I bit my lip and nodded.
“This is my class. You’ll be okay on your own?” he asked me, stopping 2 class rooms before mine.
“Yeah,” I answered and tried my best to give him a convincing smile.
“Sou. Ask me anything if you need something okay?” he offered.
“Hai. Arigatou,” I replied, maintaining the smile but unfortunately, I couldn’t lie past him as he gave me a worried look before entering his classroom.
I sighed. I had to practice not showing every emotion on my face. I didn’t want to seem pitiful forever.
“Yosh!” I said to myself, putting my game face on and went up to the door of classroom. I took a deep breathe before I opened it.
“Excuse me,” I said, stepping in. I couldn’t raise my head and look at everyone as I glued my eyes to the floor, feeling everyone’s stares.
“Kashiwagi-san!” I heard Hinama-sensei say and I finally had to raise my eyes to her, catching all their stares.
“I’m sorry I’m late,” I apologized.
“It’s okay. I’m glad you’ve decided to come back,” she said, smiling warmly at me. She was one of those young, pretty teachers that seemed to be nice even to the smallest bugs.
“Arigatou gozaimasu…,” I replied and went over to my seat.
Sensei continued her lesson as I sat down, feeling more out of place than ever. I felt like this was going all too fast. I don’t even know why I said I was going to go to school today…or rather, said something that implied I was going. I felt far from ready. I wasn’t ready to face the changes.
I shifted my eyes to the seat next to mine…where Ryosuke had been. He was my only seatmate since I sat at the left end of the room, by the windows and he to my right, always by my side. I knew he was gone…the pain in my chest was proof enough but the sadness still engulfed me as I looked at the empty seat.
“Miu-chan!” I heard, making me look at Suzune, the girl that sat in front of me.
“Hai?” I said, a bit flustered from her sudden calling. For some reason I felt like I kept going into my state where I missed Ryosuke so bad and then into another dimension as I talked to others around me. It was as if they were to separate worlds-worlds I never wanted to collide with each other. Because besides the other reality where he was gone, was the one where everyone else existed, including him.
“You missed a bit of lessons so if you need anything, feel free to ask me again okay?” she said, smiling at me.
“Hai,” I replied as she turned back to face front.
I dug under my mini cubby hole that was below the surface of my desk. I always left something there and I felt a little bit of relief as my fingers touched a folded piece of paper. I took it out, trying to remember where I’d gotten it from. It was notebook paper…clumsily folded into four. I opened it and began reading it’s contents…
Ne Miu!!! T^T [Hey Miu!!! T^T]
Nani? [what?]
This teacher is
boring TT^TT
Every teacher is boring to you! >>
Not Hinama-sensei >v
OI!!!! [HEY!!!!]
Kidding~ Miu is way
prettier! ^0^
Mou…=.= [Geez...=.=]
Nani? Fine. MIU IS UGLY.
[What? Fine. MIU IS UGLY]
Hidoi…[How mean....]
Suki da yo~ ^0^ [I love
you~ ^0^]
That’s what you always say
to escape things…
Because Miu can’t resist
when I say it~!
Hai,hai. Pay attention to
the lesson >.<
[Okay,
okay. Pay attention to the lesson >.<]
Iya desu. [I don't want
to.]
Nande? [Why?]
I’ll fall asleep
Dame yo [That's bad/ You
shouldn't]
Then keep talking to me
>>
Ne, Miu… [Hey, Miu...]
Nani? [What?]
Atashi no koto suki deshou?
[You love me right?]
Nani sore?! [What's with
that?!]
Just answer =c=
You already know the
answer.
I like to keep hearing it.
You can’t hear it now. You
can only read it.
I can settle for that 0u0
>>
Miu TT^TT
Hai hai! Suki dayo
>///< [Okay, okay! I love you >///<]
Yatta~ [Yay~]
I just stayed still, staring at the paper. There were moments when Ryosuke would be like the kid to me and there were moments when I was the kid to him. Now…I missed that more than ever.
Ne Ryosuke….I wrote on the other side of the paper and placed it under his desk. As if he would ever reply again. It was too much for me. The change was too much. Maybe one day I can take it all in but I was sure it was not now. Because now, all I wanted was to see him again.
“Kashiwagi-san…is something wrong?” Hinama-sensei asked me as I stood up from my seat.
“Gomenasai…demo yappari…atashi…mada dekinai desu,” I said and went for the door. I didn’t know where I was going. I didn’t even have my bag with me. All I wanted…was a quiet place.
I found myself in the bio lab as I rested my back on the wall, tilting my head back as I inhaled deeply, forcing myself not to cry. If I kept crying, I wouldn’t reach anything. Out of the blue, as if my eyes acted out on their own, I glanced towards the door that I unconsciously left open…and something…appeared before me…slowly…becoming real.
“Ryosuke…?” I whispered but the whisper sounded like a loud calling to me as my ears went silent to everything else around me.
It was no joke. It really was him. He stood there, in his uniform, by the door way. He looked at me with guilt and I don’t know how I knew but…he was blaming himself…for everything that was happening to me now-for being lost and confused. Then he smiled a small, longing smile. He seemed to be yearning or calling out to me I wasn’t sure as a lot of emotions seemed to play in his eyes. He stepped forward, coming close to me.
“Ryosuke?” I said again, a tear escaping me.
“Miu!” he said, his tone urgent, as if there was something important he needed to tell me. “I’m sorry…”
“Ryosuke!” I said, walking towards him, my lips forming a smile but before I could touch him, before I could reach him, he disappeared. Just like that…he was gone again.
I stood frozen in my spot, confused. Was I going crazy…? Even if I was…I didn’t care…as long as he was there, with me. But it didn’t matter now. He was gone. And in his place, lingered a small tiny firefly that flew away out the open window as I began to wonder if I was really crazy and why he had said sorry.
“I see,” I heard someone say by the doorway. This time, the person didn’t appear by slowly fading into reality, this time, the person walked and stopped by the entrance of the room.
“Matsuda-sensei…,” I said quietly, recognizing her. It was that biology teacher that believed in superficial things, the one that was talking about the fireflies.
“You’re Kashiwagi Miu,” she said, leaning against the doorway, crossing her arms over her chest, looking at me as if she were checking something of my characteristics.
“How…,” I somewhat asked as the ability to speak hadn’t fully returned to me yet.
“You were mentioned in the staff meeting,” she explained.
“Yamada Ryosuke…was your boyfriend right?” she asked after a while. She didn’t ask it as if she were trying to dig in the fact I lost someone very dear to me, she simply was curious and besides that…her eyes showed understanding.
“Hai,” I replied, brushing off the tears that had come just moments ago by his appearance to me.
“So he was going to you, huh?” she asked and I looked at her curiously.
“Oh come on, don’t pretend like you just didn’t see him now. By your expression I’m sure you saw him,” she said, making her way towards the fish tank, picking up the fish flakes and started feeding them.
When I hadn’t said anything after a few seconds she continued on. “He’s been coming here the past few days. Mostly in your classroom and I’m guessing at the times he wasn’t here, he was at your house, where you were. He’s been looking for you, and waiting for you to come back to school,” she explained as if it were the most common thing in the world.
“But…he’s…,” I trailed off.
“He found out I could see him when I started following his movements. He doesn’t like it that you’re in this state. Poor boy beats himself up for it,” she continued on, ignoring my half-protest, placing the container for the flakes back when she had finished feeding the fish.
“I saw you head over here so I followed you. Finally he was able to make himself seen to you. I’m not quite sure why he or others like him only appear for short moments but I have a feeling I’ll unlock those secrets later on with him. Yamada-kun…seems to be fully attached here unlike the others I’ve come across. He must really love you,” she told me, coming over in front of me. I couldn’t understand what she was saying.
“Ma~! That’s enough for today. You might pass out from confusion. Come to me when you’re ready and I’ll explain it more. For now, here,” she said, extending her closed hand to me, palm facing down. I hesitantly extended my hand to hers and as she opened her hand, a piece of paper fell into my hands. She gave me a smile then left me alone.
I stared at the paper in my hands…how could she have this…when I left it under his desk? When classes were going on? She can’t just walk in and take it right? And she wasn’t our teacher…how did she know where he sat? Everything she was saying just now….were they all true?
I pushed all those questions aside for the meantime and opened the same piece of paper I had read and written on a while ago, turning it over to where I wrote and to my surprise…there was a reply.
It was unmistakeable…it was definitely…his handwriting.
I crumbled to the floor, the tears uncontrollably pouring down.
I don’t know how long I stayed there. All I could do was cry and cry. I didn’t care if anyone came in. I didn’t care about anything. I just felt so broken.
“Miu…,” I heard someone say, gently touching my shoulder. I raised my head. I knew it was his voice-it was clearly recognizable with that unique way it sounded but…the way he said it…was exactly the same way Ryosuke said it.
“Chinen…,” I whispered. He was there, in front of me, sitting on his heels.
“Hinama-sensei called for me in between classes…,” he said as I noticed he was carrying two bags. One was his and one was mine.
“Let’s go home?” he asked me, smiling kindly, and I couldn’t help it. I threw myself at him, wrapping my arms around him, making him fall back as I sobbed.
Fireflies
Author: Camsahead
Genre: Romance, tragedy, friendship, fluff [-ish],comedy [-ish]
Pairing: Yamada Ryosuke x OC x Chinen Yuri
[Kawashima Umika played my OC in the trailer]
Type: Chaptered
Status: on going
General Summary: Kashiwagi Miu has always been so
insecure and she simply can't understand why Ryosuke always tries so hard to
convince her otherwise. One day, Miu is told that he passed away in an accident
and she can't blame anyone else but herself for the cause. Chinen, Ryosuke's
best friend, steps in from the shadows and tries his best to help Miu cope with
her loss and tries to show her Ryosuke's own side of the story. The two had
thought that the accident brought the end to Ryosuke but they were both wrong.
Ryosuke's soul reamins attached to the world as a ghost, unwilling to leave Miu
alone as she is now.
Time didn’t seem to exist for me. It wasn’t as if it stopped or the clock stayed still-nothing like that. It just didn’t exist, it just wasn’t there. I felt like I was separated from this world, my body acting out more on instinct and reflexes rather than of choice or will. Everything seemed to pass by me in a blur. Nothing could register in my mind correctly. My days consisted of the regularities for living-eating, sleeping, maintaining hygiene. Nothing more and nothing less.
I lay under my futon, half asleep to the world. I could hear the rain pouring down outside. It was one of those times in June or July when the rain just randomly decided to come. Having nothing else better to do, I listened to the rain, engulfing myself in its sound as it made contact to solid objects. For some reason, it felt calming.
Either I was already asleep or I was too preoccupied with the rain but which ever reason it was, I still didn’t notice someone had entered my room.
“Um…Kashiwagi-san?” I heard someone whisper gently, then a finger brushing my bangs out of my face. It felt nice. Just the way Ryosuke used to do it….Ryosuke….
My eyes shot open from the memory. “Ryosuke?!” I called out, sitting up straight but I moved too fast as my head suddenly became dizzy.
“Are you okay?” I heard the person there ask me. Male it seemed and the voice sounded familiar.
“Um…yes….,” I murmured, clutching my head, waiting for it to pass. When it had, I lifted my head to see the person.
“You’re not…,” I started but trailed off. Of course it wouldn’t be Ryosuke. He would never call me Kashiwagi-san [even when we weren’t close yet he outright called me by my first name]. And besides…Ryosuke was…
“I’m Chinen Yuri….we met a couple of times before,” he reminded, looking at me in a worried way.
“Oh…,” was all I managed. I don’t know how long it had been since I had actually spoken to someone. I only lived with my mother who was always busy and even if she tried talking to me, I didn’t remember-everything seemed like a blur. This was the first time I actually felt like I was here.
“I…was asked to come to you,” he said and I looked at him questioningly. Now noticing that he was the type of guy that said things half way and you had to push for further explanation, probably because he was so smart-he expected everyone else to be at the same wave length as he was in.
“Asked?” I prompted, fixing my hair self-consciously.
“Asked if you were okay. Sensei told me yesterday she was supposed to come over but the teachers had an activity this morning. I agreed to go since I memorize where your house is,” he patiently explained to me but again with the clueless ending.
“Why do you memorize where I live?” I asked suspiciously, not minding why it was HIM sensei had relied on. Well, it was understandable, he was top student.
“I was close to Ryosuke,” he brushed off, as if that was supposed to make up for everything. It gave another reason for sensei to go to him for possible help.
“And…how did you get in?” I asked, taking my legs out of the futon, landing my feet on the floor.
“Spare key-under the tulips pot,” he answered instinctively as if all the answers came out to him so naturally.
I looked at him curiously. I was the only one who used that spare key. I was the only one who knew where it was…and Ryosuke.
I shook my head, yeah, he was a close friend of Ryosuke’s. Maybe he accidentally blurted it out or something.
“Aren’t you going to attend…the funeral?” he asked me cautiously, as if about to enter a danger zone which was probably true because I suddenly felt something in me further crack more than it was already damaged.
“I’m sorry to have brought that up,” he apologized suddenly looking flustered.
“Iie,” I murmured. That’s right. I have to wake up later on.
“I’m a pathetic girlfriend,” I said, passing a hand across my face.
“Eh?”
“I don’t even know…when….that is,” I answered, not being able to say the word funeral. It just felt so heavy against my tongue to say it.
“Ayashii…,” I heard someone say from the doorway. I turned my head towards the voice and was surprised to find a girl of about 10 years old, poking her head in my room. From her face, I could immediately tell she was Chinen’s relative. They had the same eyes, expression, and nose.
“Chiaki! I told you to stay outside!” Chinen reprimanded, going over to her as she fully stepped into my room.
“But it’s boring outside. Besides, you just might do weird things to her,” the little girl protested.
“What weird things?!” Chinen demanded and I could only see the side of his face but I swear, I saw his cheeks turn pink.
“But Chinii-chan I always hear you talk about weird things like fireworks with Ryonii-chan especially with this girl,” she said defiantly, nudging her head towards me. But my ears got stuck on weird things and fireworks.
“Chi-chiaki! That’s a different girl we were talking about!!!” Chinen told her, moving his hands around worriedly.
“No, no. I saw her picture. Ryonii-chan showed you the picture and I saw it too! It’s her,” she said, remaining stubborn. I stayed still in my position feeling totally awkward.
“Iya, dakara, please just wait outside!” Chinen begged, trying to lead her out the room but she gracefully avoided his pushing and came up to me, eyeing me head to toe as I squirmed.
“Hi…,” I said to her, smiling, pathetically waving my hand.
“Fake,” she told me.
“Eh?” I asked. Though I wasn’t that close to Chinen yet, I could tell she had some of his characteristics. Always had to push a bit more to understand what they meant.
“Your smile…it’s fake,” she expounded and I stupidly, touched my lips-wide-eyed at this girl. She was different from most kids I knew.
“Chiaki!” Chinen reprimanded.
“Will you cure her?” she asked Chinen, turning away from me to face him.
“No!” Chinen said, seemingly defensive.
“So you’ll just leave her like that?” she asked, apparently shocked and disappointed by his answer…whatever it meant.
“Of course I won’t but..,” Chinen trailed off. These two seemed to understand something I didn’t quite get. Cure….were they talking about ME?!
“But what?” Chiaki demanded, crossing her arms over her chest disapprovingly. Past her pigtails and cute face, she seemed mature for her age.
“It isn’t that simple, okay?” Chinen replied, frustrated, running his hand through his hair. By that simple gesture, again, I thought it was Ryosuke I was looking at. Maybe best friends really do have a lot of similarities, whether they’re conscious of it or not.
“Umm….,” I hesitantly said, deciding it was time I made my presence known again.
“Ah! Sorry, she’s…out of control for me,” Chinen apologized, pushing Chiaki behind him as if that could hide her strong aura from me.
“Iie…it’s okay but…I’d like to change into my uniform,” I told him.
“Okay~,” Chiaki said happily going out of the room but stopped when she noticed Chinen following her.
“Don’t you want to stay and watch her change?” she asked, turning around, looking so innocent.
“EH,” came out of me, my cheeks turning red.
“Baka!” Chinen told her and pushed her out of my room, closing the door behind him.
I actually didn’t feel like going to school. I was afraid of what awaited me there. I was afraid of what wasn’t waiting for me there. I was afraid of seeing all those people, breathing, alive but the one I wanted to see the most…wouldn’t ever be there again.
“I’m sorry about a while ago,” Chinen told me as we made our way up the hill to our school. The rain had stopped which was pretty convenient. I was lazy to bring around an umbrella.
“It’s fine. She’s an interesting girl,” I replied, for once knowing what he was talking about without further explanation. Chiaki had gone the other way to her school a little bit earlier.
“She knows too much for her age,” he said and grimaced. Strangely, his expression made me giggle. And as if caught in a naughty act, I cleared my throat of the giggle and lowered my eyes. The giggle felt so out of place, so different now. I was sure Chinen noticed how I felt by the look in his eyes but he remained silent. I wonder what his true personality was when he wasn’t being too nice and considerate. Pity can sometimes change a person from their true selves even for just short moments.
“We’re here,” he said as we reached the school gate. I looked at the school. No one was around since classes had already started. We were really late. But still…that didn’t change the fact that I felt so small-so afraid.
“Let’s go,” he said, sensing my hesitation and smiled warmly at me.
I bit my lip and nodded.
“This is my class. You’ll be okay on your own?” he asked me, stopping 2 class rooms before mine.
“Yeah,” I answered and tried my best to give him a convincing smile.
“Sou. Ask me anything if you need something okay?” he offered.
“Hai. Arigatou,” I replied, maintaining the smile but unfortunately, I couldn’t lie past him as he gave me a worried look before entering his classroom.
I sighed. I had to practice not showing every emotion on my face. I didn’t want to seem pitiful forever.
“Yosh!” I said to myself, putting my game face on and went up to the door of classroom. I took a deep breathe before I opened it.
“Excuse me,” I said, stepping in. I couldn’t raise my head and look at everyone as I glued my eyes to the floor, feeling everyone’s stares.
“Kashiwagi-san!” I heard Hinama-sensei say and I finally had to raise my eyes to her, catching all their stares.
“I’m sorry I’m late,” I apologized.
“It’s okay. I’m glad you’ve decided to come back,” she said, smiling warmly at me. She was one of those young, pretty teachers that seemed to be nice even to the smallest bugs.
“Arigatou gozaimasu…,” I replied and went over to my seat.
Sensei continued her lesson as I sat down, feeling more out of place than ever. I felt like this was going all too fast. I don’t even know why I said I was going to go to school today…or rather, said something that implied I was going. I felt far from ready. I wasn’t ready to face the changes.
I shifted my eyes to the seat next to mine…where Ryosuke had been. He was my only seatmate since I sat at the left end of the room, by the windows and he to my right, always by my side. I knew he was gone…the pain in my chest was proof enough but the sadness still engulfed me as I looked at the empty seat.
“Miu-chan!” I heard, making me look at Suzune, the girl that sat in front of me.
“Hai?” I said, a bit flustered from her sudden calling. For some reason I felt like I kept going into my state where I missed Ryosuke so bad and then into another dimension as I talked to others around me. It was as if they were to separate worlds-worlds I never wanted to collide with each other. Because besides the other reality where he was gone, was the one where everyone else existed, including him.
“You missed a bit of lessons so if you need anything, feel free to ask me again okay?” she said, smiling at me.
“Hai,” I replied as she turned back to face front.
I dug under my mini cubby hole that was below the surface of my desk. I always left something there and I felt a little bit of relief as my fingers touched a folded piece of paper. I took it out, trying to remember where I’d gotten it from. It was notebook paper…clumsily folded into four. I opened it and began reading it’s contents…
Ne Miu!!! T^T [Hey Miu!!! T^T]
Nani? [what?]
This teacher is
boring TT^TT
Every teacher is boring to you! >>
Not Hinama-sensei >v
OI!!!! [HEY!!!!]
Kidding~ Miu is way
prettier! ^0^
Mou…=.= [Geez...=.=]
Nani? Fine. MIU IS UGLY.
[What? Fine. MIU IS UGLY]
Hidoi…[How mean....]
Suki da yo~ ^0^ [I love
you~ ^0^]
That’s what you always say
to escape things…
Because Miu can’t resist
when I say it~!
Hai,hai. Pay attention to
the lesson >.<
[Okay,
okay. Pay attention to the lesson >.<]
Iya desu. [I don't want
to.]
Nande? [Why?]
I’ll fall asleep
Dame yo [That's bad/ You
shouldn't]
Then keep talking to me
>>
Ne, Miu… [Hey, Miu...]
Nani? [What?]
Atashi no koto suki deshou?
[You love me right?]
Nani sore?! [What's with
that?!]
Just answer =c=
You already know the
answer.
I like to keep hearing it.
You can’t hear it now. You
can only read it.
I can settle for that 0u0
>>
Miu TT^TT
Hai hai! Suki dayo
>///< [Okay, okay! I love you >///<]
Yatta~ [Yay~]
I just stayed still, staring at the paper. There were moments when Ryosuke would be like the kid to me and there were moments when I was the kid to him. Now…I missed that more than ever.
Ne Ryosuke….I wrote on the other side of the paper and placed it under his desk. As if he would ever reply again. It was too much for me. The change was too much. Maybe one day I can take it all in but I was sure it was not now. Because now, all I wanted was to see him again.
“Kashiwagi-san…is something wrong?” Hinama-sensei asked me as I stood up from my seat.
“Gomenasai…demo yappari…atashi…mada dekinai desu,” I said and went for the door. I didn’t know where I was going. I didn’t even have my bag with me. All I wanted…was a quiet place.
I found myself in the bio lab as I rested my back on the wall, tilting my head back as I inhaled deeply, forcing myself not to cry. If I kept crying, I wouldn’t reach anything. Out of the blue, as if my eyes acted out on their own, I glanced towards the door that I unconsciously left open…and something…appeared before me…slowly…becoming real.
“Ryosuke…?” I whispered but the whisper sounded like a loud calling to me as my ears went silent to everything else around me.
It was no joke. It really was him. He stood there, in his uniform, by the door way. He looked at me with guilt and I don’t know how I knew but…he was blaming himself…for everything that was happening to me now-for being lost and confused. Then he smiled a small, longing smile. He seemed to be yearning or calling out to me I wasn’t sure as a lot of emotions seemed to play in his eyes. He stepped forward, coming close to me.
“Ryosuke?” I said again, a tear escaping me.
“Miu!” he said, his tone urgent, as if there was something important he needed to tell me. “I’m sorry…”
“Ryosuke!” I said, walking towards him, my lips forming a smile but before I could touch him, before I could reach him, he disappeared. Just like that…he was gone again.
I stood frozen in my spot, confused. Was I going crazy…? Even if I was…I didn’t care…as long as he was there, with me. But it didn’t matter now. He was gone. And in his place, lingered a small tiny firefly that flew away out the open window as I began to wonder if I was really crazy and why he had said sorry.
“I see,” I heard someone say by the doorway. This time, the person didn’t appear by slowly fading into reality, this time, the person walked and stopped by the entrance of the room.
“Matsuda-sensei…,” I said quietly, recognizing her. It was that biology teacher that believed in superficial things, the one that was talking about the fireflies.
“You’re Kashiwagi Miu,” she said, leaning against the doorway, crossing her arms over her chest, looking at me as if she were checking something of my characteristics.
“How…,” I somewhat asked as the ability to speak hadn’t fully returned to me yet.
“You were mentioned in the staff meeting,” she explained.
“Yamada Ryosuke…was your boyfriend right?” she asked after a while. She didn’t ask it as if she were trying to dig in the fact I lost someone very dear to me, she simply was curious and besides that…her eyes showed understanding.
“Hai,” I replied, brushing off the tears that had come just moments ago by his appearance to me.
“So he was going to you, huh?” she asked and I looked at her curiously.
“Oh come on, don’t pretend like you just didn’t see him now. By your expression I’m sure you saw him,” she said, making her way towards the fish tank, picking up the fish flakes and started feeding them.
When I hadn’t said anything after a few seconds she continued on. “He’s been coming here the past few days. Mostly in your classroom and I’m guessing at the times he wasn’t here, he was at your house, where you were. He’s been looking for you, and waiting for you to come back to school,” she explained as if it were the most common thing in the world.
“But…he’s…,” I trailed off.
“He found out I could see him when I started following his movements. He doesn’t like it that you’re in this state. Poor boy beats himself up for it,” she continued on, ignoring my half-protest, placing the container for the flakes back when she had finished feeding the fish.
“I saw you head over here so I followed you. Finally he was able to make himself seen to you. I’m not quite sure why he or others like him only appear for short moments but I have a feeling I’ll unlock those secrets later on with him. Yamada-kun…seems to be fully attached here unlike the others I’ve come across. He must really love you,” she told me, coming over in front of me. I couldn’t understand what she was saying.
“Ma~! That’s enough for today. You might pass out from confusion. Come to me when you’re ready and I’ll explain it more. For now, here,” she said, extending her closed hand to me, palm facing down. I hesitantly extended my hand to hers and as she opened her hand, a piece of paper fell into my hands. She gave me a smile then left me alone.
I stared at the paper in my hands…how could she have this…when I left it under his desk? When classes were going on? She can’t just walk in and take it right? And she wasn’t our teacher…how did she know where he sat? Everything she was saying just now….were they all true?
I pushed all those questions aside for the meantime and opened the same piece of paper I had read and written on a while ago, turning it over to where I wrote and to my surprise…there was a reply.
It was unmistakeable…it was definitely…his handwriting.
I crumbled to the floor, the tears uncontrollably pouring down.
I don’t know how long I stayed there. All I could do was cry and cry. I didn’t care if anyone came in. I didn’t care about anything. I just felt so broken.
“Miu…,” I heard someone say, gently touching my shoulder. I raised my head. I knew it was his voice-it was clearly recognizable with that unique way it sounded but…the way he said it…was exactly the same way Ryosuke said it.
“Chinen…,” I whispered. He was there, in front of me, sitting on his heels.
“Hinama-sensei called for me in between classes…,” he said as I noticed he was carrying two bags. One was his and one was mine.
“Let’s go home?” he asked me, smiling kindly, and I couldn’t help it. I threw myself at him, wrapping my arms around him, making him fall back as I sobbed.