(no subject)
LAST ROUND YAY and Juri's round is still open, too!
Thanks to everyone for being so awesome and voting so quickly. 95 apps in three days, holy crap. ♥♥♥
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Closed. \o\
Character name: Bason
Series: Shaman King
Age: 33 (at death; estimated)
Job: Horseback Combat Instructor
Canon: A shaman is a person who connects this world to the next. Shamans of legend and wonder enter a fighting tournament, where the winner becomes Shaman King and gains the ability to change the world. Yoh, a young shaman, joins in this battle so that in becoming Shaman King he can live an easy life with no work. Along the way, he makes friends from all corners of the globe, all with their own game plan to save the world.
But of course, a shaman’s power is greatly decided by his trusty spirit - Bason, an ancient Chinese warlord, is one of these. His partner is his young master, Ren, toward whom he is obedient, dutiful, and …well, a mother hen, sometimes. Bason initially appears to be prideful, stony and cruel, but is a pleasant guy, deep down. Bason has a love of horses, and as such is accompanied by a ghostly warhorse. He plays nicely with other spirits, having a friendly rivalry with Yoh’s samurai partner, Amidamaru, and is generally polite and helpful to teammates.
Note: Bason is a servant of the Tao family, who are partially made up of Dao-shi, shamans that control zombie soldiers.
Sample Entry:
Gather round, men - very good, now listen well.
Years ago, I, Bason, was called “The Sword To Fear.” Atop my mighty war horse, I overtook numerous battle sites! Today, I stand - and occasionally float - before you lot, to instruct you in the ways of mounted combat. It is a topic dear to my heart, so I ask that you do not disappoint me.
Now, you may be thinking that our current mounts are a bit unsightly. Upon coming to this Camp Fuck You Die, I noticed an abhorrent lack of equines. There were a few purple and strangely horned ones, but they seemed to have minds of their own, and when I tried to persuade them to join our cause, they responded by yelling “SHUNNNNNNNNN!” It was very disheartening and I eventually gave up. But these - “Cow Bots”, as I have been informed - these will do wonderfully, I’m sure! For now, at least.
Before we begin, however, let’s take a moment to reflect on the nature of battle. Meditate on what makes a soldier. Honor, discipline, and -
Hmmmm. “Braaaains,” you say…? Well, of course! I see you’ll make fine strategists. I hope this will be a saving grace- see, for corpse soldiers, you’re not put together very well. What was your dao-shi thinking? The frailty of your bodies is deplorable! Thus, you should use your intellects. I encourage this fixation on “braaaains!”
So, mount your bovines and let’s begin. --That is not what I meant! Cease that licentious behavior at once and get on your cow machine. Come now, I’ve put saddles on them; it is no different than mounting a horse. Just swing your leg up, and … sigh. Sew that leg back on immediately, soldier. The rest of you follow my lead and don’t mind the crackling! We are all dead regardless, a bit of static electricity should not deter us! If anything it will strike fear into the hearts of our enemies! That’s why they call it charging, you see? Good! You’re getting it! Now CHARGE!
Oh… oh no.
Well, men, next time I would prefer it if you didn’t explode, but I think you have the idea. Don’t get your spirits down! You’ll need a lot of work, but I think you stand a ghost of a chance!
Poll Vote!
Character: Ganondorf Dragmire
Series: The Legend of Zelda (Ocarina of Time + The Wind Waker)
Age: Unspecified, at least hundreds of years old. Appearance-wise… 30-something?
Job: Swim Coach
Canon: Ganondorf has but one goal in his long life: to conquer and rule over the land of Hyrule. To do so, he sought the power of the Goddesses, the Triforce, which would grant the wish of whoever first touched it. However, Ganondorf was only able to obtain one third of this sacred relic, the Triforce of Power. In seeking the other two pieces, he was defeated by the Hero of Time, the bearer of the Triforce of Courage. When Ganondorf again tried to conquer Hyrule and no Hero came to stop him, the Goddesses themselves refused Ganondorf, flooding the land and sealing Hyrule beneath the sea. Still Ganondorf would not be deterred, and stubbornly pressed on, searching always for the Triforce to grant his wish and make Hyrule his.
Everything in Ganondorf's personality revolves around his desire for Hyrule. Over the hundreds of years he has lived, he has mellowed out somewhat, though he still holds a harsh temper. He can be calm and patient, capable of long periods of deceit, when he thinks his goal is within his grasp. When that goal is taken from him, he quickly switches to insanity and violent anger. Perhaps acquiring the Triforce of Power corrupted him, creating an evil demon with only one desire, or perhaps he was already corruptly seeking that power. But in the end, he would kill and destroy those that stood in his way. And should he be unable to have Hyrule, he will make it so nobody can. (Or at least, he'll try. It usually ends up with him getting stabbed in the forehead. Poor guy.)
Note: Ganondorf is being taken from after the end of The Wind Waker.
Sample Post:
No, boy, I am not going to jump in and save your friend from drowning. Furthermore, if he cannot figure out that he is splashing about in a mere two feet of water, he deserves this pitiful death.
As for the rest of you who have just arrived at this lesson, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Ganondorf… and I am the master of this swimming pool.
I was born into a vast desert. The sun burned down upon us mercilessly, and the sand and sky were all that were visible as far as one could see. As I grew older, I knew water was not to be wasted. There was a river, it is true… a deep crevasse that marked the division between our land, and that of Hyrule. A gap between our suffering, and the bounty and wealth of Hyrule, that was not to be crossed. I crossed that gap, certainly. But I used the bridge, as would anybody with sense.
Your Director has informed me that it is for these reasons I shall teach you children to swim. There is no logic in this decision, as you can see, but your Director's outlook is… unique. And the outlook of one who possesses enough power to bring me here, from my imprisonment beneath the waves-well, I need only put up with her unique ideas until I make her power mine. And rest assured, I will. For what else could it be but fate, that I would find myself here, at the grace of a power that rivals even that of the Goddesses of the Triforce? I will wait my chance to obtain that which makes your Director a force to be feared. It is only destiny that her power should become mine, and until that power is in my grasp, whatever delay I must endure is nothing to me. I waited hundreds of years after the defeat dealt to me by the Hero of Time; I am patient.
And while I wait here, you campers will learn to swim under my direction. Thus far what I have seen is truly disappointing. You cannot even call that swimming; it is as though I was watching a cat drown in a puddle. Do not argue that in this encampment you have no real need to enter the water, let alone become a proficient swimmer. You can avoid the lake in your everyday life all you want, it is true, but that no longer matters. Starting now you will leap into this pool at my command, without hesitation, or risk inviting my ire. I myself will not be entering the water to demonstrate, and so you must obey my every instruction if you wish to learn to avoid drowning.
But do not fear. I will not kill you, should you fail to float.
I will leave that to Marcy.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Goofy Goof
Series: The Disney shorts
Age: In his mid thirties?
Job: Fishing coach
Canon: Many, many years ago, there lived a man named Walt Disney. This man, like many men, had an idea. Unlike most men, Disney was able to turn his idea into an extraordinary success. You and I know this success as none other than that cartoon icon, Mickey Mouse; this led to the creation of many other of Disney’s popular cartoon characters: Donald Duck, Minnie Mouse, Pluto, Chip ‘n Dale, and of course, Goofy.
Goofy is the, of course, lovable goof. He’s always trying to help out, but he usually ends up making a mess of things in the process. Even so, he is quite persistent in his work and won’t rest until the job is done. With his short-attention span, finishing a job usually takes a while. Surprisingly, he possesses a great deal of talents, is quite the athlete(although you'd never tell just by looking at him), and has held a variety of jobs throughout the years. He is a very faithful companion, and will more often than not stick by his friends, even when they don't desire his company. Overall, his determination and friendliness are what make him endearing to audiences worldwide, and hopefully will continue to do so for years to come.
Sample Entry: Hiya campers! A-hyuck! My name’s Goofy and I’m gonna be your new fishing coach! Well, let’s all get into the boat here!
Da di do doddle di di di di... And don’t forget to put on your life-jackets!
Gawrsh, you look like you could use some help puttin’ on your life-jacket there, Mr.Uggggggggh. Okay, now first we just put it over your head here, there we go and---oh, your head fell off, hyuck! We’ll just put that back on now, there ya go. Now, um, you just put your arms through the holes here---oh, your arm fell off! I’ll just put that back---oh, there goes your head again! Now, there we go, oh! Your arm came off again, hyuck! Now---there’s your head, hyuck! I’ll just---now, there's your arm again! Gawrsh, anybody got any glue? Oh, um, thanks Ms. Bananas! And, here ya go Mr. Uggggggggh. Now, campers, while Mr. Uggggggggh puts himself back together, we can get started on the lesson!
Okay, campers, the first thing ya do when you’re out fishing is ta make sure you’ve got all the proper equipment: you gotta have yer rod, yer hook, yer bait, yer lures, yer net, yer hat, yer boots, yer vest, yer shirt, yer pants, yer boat, yer picnic basket, and an umbrella in case it rains!
The second thing ya gotta do is put your bait on the hook! Just take a worm out of the bucket there! No need to fight over ‘em, there’s plenty for everybody! Oh ho, now no eatin’ the worms Mr. Toucan, hyuck! We have to save ‘em for the fish. Okay, now once you’ve got your worm, ya just place ‘em on hook. Whoa, slippery little feller! Now, once you’ve got the worm on the hook, ya can get ready to---now just stay on there, little feller. Now, I’m gonna show ya how to---oh, come on! Now, wait! I gotcha now! Now wait just a---oh! Gawrsh, looks like the fish are gonna get a free snack, hyuck! Well, if ya don’t like worms, you can use a lure...like this here eyeball lure! A-hyuck, oh, sorry Mr. Urrrrrrrrggggg.
Once yer done putting the bait on, then the real fun begins! Ya get ta cast out the rod and start catchin’ the fish! I’m gonna give you campers a demonstration! Now, uh, watch closely. Ya gotta stand with yer feet apart, throwin’ arm at 9 and the other arm at 3, hoppin’ on yer right foot, jump back a bit, and then wind up, and there it goes! Now, that’s what I call a good cast, a-hyuck! Uh, what was that ya say, Mr. Zombie? “WTF”? Hmmm…oh, I get it! Where’s the fish, a-hyuck! Well, they’re in the lake and we’ll probably be catching some any minute now, hyuck, we just gotta be patient. Oh, the world owes me a living, dee da dii doodle daddle doh…
Yep, just gotta wait another hour! So, who wants a sandwich? I’ve got bologna, PB&J, grilled cheese, head cheese, turkey---hey, I think I’ve caught somethin’! Oof, it’s really heavy, must be a real whopper! Ooh, I ‘ve got ‘im now! Wow, it’s a…tentacle? Hmm...well, I guess they’ll be servin’ calamari in the Mess Hall tonight, hyuck! Now uh, you gorillas come and help me get it into the boat here. Ugh, sure is hea---AHHHH! It’s still alive! Put it back, put it back! Whoa-ho, put me down, put me down! …oh, hi Mr. Giant Squid! I’m sorry about yer tentacle there, if ya want I could find somebody to---whoa, wait a minute, I can't fly! YAHHH-HA-HA-HOOEEEEEEYYYYYY…OOF! Oh…now that’s what I call, hyuck, a good cast! Hyu-hyu-hyu-hyu-hyuck!
Poll Vote!
Character: Ayanami
Series: 07-Ghost
Character Age: unknown, probably late 20's or so
Job: Public Relations Officer
Canon: 07-Ghost is the story of a former slave named Teito who discovers he's the heir to the legendary artifact, the Eye of Mikhail, and thus the target of the powerful Barsburg Empire which would like nothing more than to claim the Eye for its own purposes.
The Chief of Staff of the Barsburg military as well as the commander of the Black Hawks (an elite black ops unit whose members specialize in forbidden dark arts), Ayanami has taken a particular personal interest in pursuing Teito and recovering the Eye. A powerful individual, he's cold, calm, and calculating; and though he speaks politely, there's often a hint of a more manipulative and sadistic side lurking under the surface. Hardly a people person, he has quite the reputation as someone not to be trifled with, especially as he prefers to simply eliminate whatever - or whoever - poses a problem than bother with more tedious solutions.
Sample Post:
Local Date XX.06.2008 - Preliminary Report
It has been nearly twelve hours since my arrival in the territory known as "Camp Fuck You Die". Some of what passes for fauna here was quick to "greet" me as a new arrival with a series of quite vulgar displays; as they were becoming nuisance I quickly disposed of them. I also observed a considerable number of zombies in the area, and though they are pathetic fabrications and utterly useless for all but the most simple of tasks, the sheer numbers suggest a power behind them that may prove worth investigating. There is also the matter of the barrier, which I have not yet had an opportunity to examine, but while it is apparently designed for purposes of confinement rather than defense, its effectiveness in such measures seems to rival the most powerful anti-airship shields.
I have spoken with the Madame Director of this facility, who has seen fit to assign me the position of "Public Relations Officer" for the duration of my stay. As I understand, my duties are to include fielding questions and complaints of the "campers" currently living in this place and addressing problems appropriately. It would seem that the Director has perhaps greatly misunderstood my purpose here, however it seems best to cooperate for the time being, as she may be a useful source of information, and an open conflict at this point would be counter-productive.
In any case, the Director's lack of instruction fortunately leaves the details open to my own assessment of the situation. While I do not anticipate problems, should any arise I am certain I can find a... satisfactory solution. In the mean time I will continue investigating the reports of the Eye's vessel in the area, and will report further updates as needed.
End Report
...an addendum: after having finally encountered the rumored inhabitant of the central lake, I believe that some of the Black Hawks' diplomacy may be in order.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Kate Spencer, aka Manhunter.
Series: Manhunter (DC universe)
Age: Mid to late thirties.
Job: Manager of Important Legal Files
Canon: Once LA's renowned star federal prosecutor and, when she remembered, a mom, "Manhunter" Kate Spencer now works for the other side, defending anyone from supervillains to Wonder Woman. Since discovering the delights of vigilantism and taking up the superhero lifestyle, Kate's work-obsessed lone wolf style has softened somewhat. Despite her cool, professional exterior, Kate's inner mom shines through during quality time spent with her son, and she's learned to rely on friends for assistance when it's needed; even managing to maintain a functional relationship with her ex-husband. Stubborn to a fault, she may work as an agent for the Department of Extranormal Operations (the DEO, which keeps superpowered people out of trouble... well. TRIES to.), but ultimately she's her own woman; following her own lead and making the choices that she feels are best.
Far from being a traditional superhero vigilante, Kate fights beyond the system only when justice has already failed. Although personally disgusted by the request of her boss, Director Bones (literally, bones), that she defend the criminals she despises, Kate does so with a vengeance. Because it's the Smart Thing To Do. And, by the time the verdict's handed down, not only does Manhunter know where the villain lives, but she knows where to find all his friends as well. Though still working on the whole banter thing, she's self-deprecatingly sarcastic enough to get by with a quip. Quick to anger, she's also worked out that the best form of stress relief is beating criminals with her completely un-phallic staff; or, if that's broken, her gauntleted fists. Whatever's handy.
Sample Entry:
Good morning, residents. My name is Kate Spencer, and I'm joining you here today to commence my role as the Manager of Important Legal Files for your establishment. Although I had some misgivings regarding the title of my position here, your Director has assured my Director that it is entirely appropriate. The truth of this assurance remains to be seen. And I bet Bones is laughing his skull off, the fiend.
Generally I prefer to streamline my approach to a new position by organising and checking my materials in advance, however in this case I was told that all the information I require would be imparted to me on arrival. In point of fact, since arriving here, I have been unable to discern what it is, precisely that my role will entail. It seems that your establishment is already fully equipped with a stalwart legal team, and as such my skills in that area could be viewed as rather superfluous. Professional courtesy dictates that I refrain from stepping on the toes of litigators who are already present; however, I have not worked purely in file management since, well, college, and so I must submit my advanced apologies for any accidental insubordination on my part. I have never been particularly inclined to color inside the lines.
Bearing all that in mind, I would be more than happy to offer my assistance to the existing practitioners - on both sides, if necessary, or as an arbitrator should the need arise. I am capable of being utterly objective when required. Just ask my ex-husband.
Of course, as with any discerning consumer, you undoubtedly wish to know more about my particular and considerable expertise in the legal arena, and so I've prepared a dossier for your perusal should the need arise. You may even have heard of my most recent success - there's hardly a corner of the universe that word of Wonder Woman hasn't reached to, after all. Despite the difficulties inherent in the initial case, in the end she was not hard to get off, and I'm pleased to say that Diana was one of my most satisfied clients.Great, Kate, now they're laughing at you. Very smooth, really.
Naturally, my services will be available on a pro bono basis. I firmly believe that each and every individual is entitled to the best defence that money can buy, regardless of whether or not he, she, or it can afford... it. Oh, good sales pitch, Kate. That made complete sense; they're sure to be rushing to you for help now. Justice demands that even the most guilty have their day in court, and should any of you lovely residents find yourself in need of a defence attorney, look up Kate Spencer. If I can't get you off, then I sincerely doubt that anyone else can.
... oh, please. Is that really what you were laughing at before - what are you, five years old? That was so not funny.
Poll Vote!
Character: Hisagi Shuuhei
Series: Bleach
Age: appears to be in his early twenties
Job: Chief Editor for "Camp Fuck Your Newsletter"
Canon: What do you think happens after death? Well, according to Bleach, our souls either turn into monsters or get brought to Soul Society by grim reapers called shinigami. Unfortunately for living teen Ichigo, he got pulled into dead guy business way before his time-of-death and now gets to join the shounen adventures of the 13 shinigami divisions. But while each of these thirteen is led by a couple of special snowflakes, today we're focusing on the 9th division lieutenant, Hisagi Shuuhei. So who is he? Well… you know that onion metaphor about people having layers? Hisagi is more like an M&M. Like a thin candy coating, he gives off the initial image of a callous, arrogant punk-rocker with a "69" tattooed on his face like that big trademark M. But that tiny shell just barely covers his solid DORK chocolate center.
Known just as well for his newspaper editing job as his combat skills, Hisagi works hard and stays busy, but truthfully he has a distaste for battle and remains much more innocent and childish than his tattoos would suggest; as just under the surface of his dry, disinterested attitude lurks an excitable puppy who loves to cook and practice music and is completely topped by father figures and (in that blushing, only slightly perverted way) pretty girls... Once even to the point of locking himself inside his office for three whole days after the article he writes was poorly reviewed by his crush, Matsumoto. Aww :(
Sample Post:
Alright, men. Listen up. I don't know what kind of idiot you had organizing this newsletter before, but with me as your new chief, this just isn't going to cut it. I don't want to be here, and from the crayon picture of Marcy and myself on my desk, I can tell you don't want me here either, but I don't quit, and I sure as hell don't approve of half-assed jobs… Don't snicker. I was talking about your writing, not any of the jobs or asses in your stupid picture.
Now, I've taken a look at your previous work, or what's legible of it at least, and I have to say it isn't too bad. Like this series, "Be Vewy Vewy Quiet, I'm Hunting Mystewious Cweatuwes." There's a lot of potential for new content with all the unusual wildlife here, because I mean, everybody knows about the gorillas and zombies, but what about the underhyped abominations? I have to say that the search for the homopire issue was especially moving, and kudos to whoever drew the accompanying picture. I thought that the sparkles were a surprisingly beautiful touch.
As for the rest, I think most would be fine after a little revision, but a few of these I just don't think the world is ready for yet. Articles like "What Shapes the Clouds Looked Like Yesterday" are just going to go over the audience's heads, and "Hey! Look What I Wrote With My Feet!" is a little beneath us, don't you think? And don't even get me started on "Applied Astrophysics… IN MY PANTS!" It's offensive on so many dimensions that I'm not sure the human mind can grasp them all. I considered dropping one more, because I'm not usually a fan of relationship gossip, but it got such good ratings last time that I'm willing to give a probationary printing period to "Who Got Stuffed?" Just- Just keep the details to a minimum, and don't ever tell me how you find out so much about it. I don't want to know.
So that aside, I was generally pretty pleased with the content; I just couldn't understand why you'd released so few copies in the past. But now that I'm here at your "office," I'd say it's pretty clear that you're probably not just lazy bastards like I thought you would be. You know, seeing as you were never given a printer. Or even pens… Or a building. Seriously, what kind of chief did you have before who could think two desks and a water cooler in the woods made an acceptable place of business?
"A drunk?" What kind of answer is tha- Ooooh. That isn't water in the cooler at all, is it? …gentlemen, I think it might be time for you to throw me a welcome party. Hisagi's rules. First one to pass out gets a new tattoo. And today's theme is… Sparkle Motion.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Angelus
Series: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Age: Looks 26, actually roughly 270.
Job: Fine Arts Instructor
Canon: Buffy the Vampire Slayer is about a teenage girl with a really weird name who was chosen by DESTINY!1! to slay vampires. That part’s obvious. What is less immediately obvious is the drama that ensues when she realizes her true love is, in fact, a vampire. Dun dun DUN. Fortunately, this vampire named Angel is a good guy (as his less-than-subtle name should tell you), having been cursed by gypsies to have a soul and feel remorse for the countless atrocities he committed as a vampire.
Angelus is what happens when this curse goes bye-bye. He is a complete and utter psychopath, sadistic on a level most supervillains cannot fathom without vomiting. He is disturbingly insightful and delights in using a person’s innermost weaknesses against them, occasionally driving them permanently insane. He considers death to be an art form, deserving of meticulous and attentive care, and in need of an appropriately large audience. He also has an exceptionally dry and unsurprisingly macabre sense of humor, usually manifesting as cutting sarcasm. You know, the way it does with everyone Joss Whedon writes?
Sample Entry: Greetings, smelly decomposing sacks of crap. Oh, and we have some zombies with us too. Well, doesn’t that just makes a great day better. Today, we’re going to learn about finger-painting. And by ‘we’, I mean you’re going to get off your decaying asses and make some art or I am going to start ripping your limbs off and see what fun shapes I can make if I nail them together. Now, begin.
Say what?
Of course we have no paint, you retard. We’re in the middle of a swamp. Improvise! Do I have to spoon fed you every little detail?! I’m going to name you Bruno just because you are that much of a moron. Even for the walking dead, you people are just… brainless. I mean, I’ve come across zombies before and I gotta say, you are lowering the bar.
Now, watch carefully because I’m only going to do this once. Okay, that’s a lie since I’m actually pretty much going to do it until it gets boring or I find something that isn’t rotting all over my shoes. One hand on the neck, one hand on the shoulder, quick pull up, and voila, you have paint. Now, dip your fingers into the gapping neck wound if your hands aren’t covered with enough blood and start producing masterpieces. If you run out of materials from Bruno’s decapitated corpse, look around. There’s plenty of you to spare and passing grades will not be given to students without heads.
You know, I have to admit, I never thought being a teacher would be so satisfying. Of course, the only other teacher I know is the delectable Miss Calender and, well, I think she was way too tightly wound. She seemed so much more relaxed once I was done with her, much more loose. Not so much for conversation, though, which was a crying shame.
Speaking of conversation, would it kill one of you to chat a little? I know that it wouldn’t, since I’m holding Bruno’s severed head, neck, spinal cord, and part of his esophagus, and his body is still shuffling around.
The joys of teaching. It’s so much easier working with animals. At least they make noise when you rip them apart.
Poll Vote!
Character:Hades.
Series: Disney's Hercules.
Character Age:
Job: Careers Counsellor / Alternative Heat Source.
Canon: Your Ancient Greek Gods were not exactly known for being family friendly - unless your definition of friendly includes incest, rape and vore. Disney's definition doesn't. In order to make the story of Hercules safe for public consumption, the good folks at Disney took all the fun stuff out of the film and replaced it with Hades.
The God of Death got something of a make-over including blue skin and ever-present flames. Personality-wise, he's petty, vindictive and selfish, with no qualms about preying on the vulnerable to further his own cause. In fact, that's pretty much what he does, employing fast-talking salesman-like tactics to manipulate those around him. But he's not all charm - in his realm, he is all powerful, and outside it, Hades comes very close to achieving his goal of ultimate power and seizing Olympus. Hey, it's not his fault his help leaves something to be desired. You wouldn't believe how hard it is to get good minions these days.
Sample Post:
You. Yes, you. Big guy. Digging those pectorals. You work out? And your friend there. Nice dress sense. I'm guessing you didn't get that off the rack. And for that matter, nice rack. Snazzy dress sense --just what I like in a minion.And the rest of you charmers too -- I'm just dying to get acquainted. You can tell, right?
But enough small talk. I can see you've got stuff to slay, swamps to escape from, rotting to do -- and hey, I can relate. You think the Underworld manages itself? No, I tell you. Keeping all those dead people in line. It's crazy. You don't prop 'em up right one goes and sets the lot of them off like dominos.
But enough about me, we're talking about you and what you can do for me. You see, bud -- can I call you bud? I just feel like we're having a moment. Anyway, bud, buddy, pal.
I want your soul.
Woah, slow down. I know what you're thinking. My soul? This small insignificant piece of mortal baggage I've been carting around with me for years? It's probably tarnished, maybe a little cracked -- who are we kidding? You crazy kids live in a swamp with monsters, an amorous hydra, and psychic birds and I thought the Fates were disturbing. Hey, I bet you probably didn't even know you still had a soul! So I can see you're asking yourself, what possible use could there be for my soul? Well, bud, I'm going to let you in on a little secret.
See, something's rotten in the state of Thebes and it's not the gentleman in green there. That is some lethal BO there and hey, I would know. You want to get that fixed. No, see right now there's some discontent with the way things have been going and looks like there's trouble brewing between the quote good guys and the forces of darkness and evil yadda yadda, you've heard it all before so I'm not going to bore you. Let's cut to the chase: we'd all hate to see the wrong guy win, right? I mean, Olympus, all that power in the hands of an egotistical tyrant -- excuse me. I get steamed up just thinking about it.
Which is why I am personally putting together an army to make sure the right guy gets the prize. I know, I know -- but that's me, Hades. Always looking out for the underdog. But my generosity doesn't stop there. See, not only does signing up for my army of the Undead come with free health-care and a generous allotment of sick-leave, but join me now and I'll throw in eternity to boot. Give me your soul now and I promise you won't age a day or at all. Live fast, give Hades your eternal soul. So okay, still working on that slogan but you've got to admit a chance like this only comes around once an Age. Sick leave only applies to the living; offer not open to vampires, zombies, ghouls and the thing drooling on my robe.
So -- who's in?
Poll Vote!
Thanks to everyone for being so awesome and voting so quickly. 95 apps in three days, holy crap. ♥♥♥
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Closed. \o\
Character name: Bason
Series: Shaman King
Age: 33 (at death; estimated)
Job: Horseback Combat Instructor
Canon: A shaman is a person who connects this world to the next. Shamans of legend and wonder enter a fighting tournament, where the winner becomes Shaman King and gains the ability to change the world. Yoh, a young shaman, joins in this battle so that in becoming Shaman King he can live an easy life with no work. Along the way, he makes friends from all corners of the globe, all with their own game plan to save the world.
But of course, a shaman’s power is greatly decided by his trusty spirit - Bason, an ancient Chinese warlord, is one of these. His partner is his young master, Ren, toward whom he is obedient, dutiful, and …well, a mother hen, sometimes. Bason initially appears to be prideful, stony and cruel, but is a pleasant guy, deep down. Bason has a love of horses, and as such is accompanied by a ghostly warhorse. He plays nicely with other spirits, having a friendly rivalry with Yoh’s samurai partner, Amidamaru, and is generally polite and helpful to teammates.
Note: Bason is a servant of the Tao family, who are partially made up of Dao-shi, shamans that control zombie soldiers.
Sample Entry:
Gather round, men - very good, now listen well.
Years ago, I, Bason, was called “The Sword To Fear.” Atop my mighty war horse, I overtook numerous battle sites! Today, I stand - and occasionally float - before you lot, to instruct you in the ways of mounted combat. It is a topic dear to my heart, so I ask that you do not disappoint me.
Now, you may be thinking that our current mounts are a bit unsightly. Upon coming to this Camp Fuck You Die, I noticed an abhorrent lack of equines. There were a few purple and strangely horned ones, but they seemed to have minds of their own, and when I tried to persuade them to join our cause, they responded by yelling “SHUNNNNNNNNN!” It was very disheartening and I eventually gave up. But these - “Cow Bots”, as I have been informed - these will do wonderfully, I’m sure! For now, at least.
Before we begin, however, let’s take a moment to reflect on the nature of battle. Meditate on what makes a soldier. Honor, discipline, and -
Hmmmm. “Braaaains,” you say…? Well, of course! I see you’ll make fine strategists. I hope this will be a saving grace- see, for corpse soldiers, you’re not put together very well. What was your dao-shi thinking? The frailty of your bodies is deplorable! Thus, you should use your intellects. I encourage this fixation on “braaaains!”
So, mount your bovines and let’s begin. --That is not what I meant! Cease that licentious behavior at once and get on your cow machine. Come now, I’ve put saddles on them; it is no different than mounting a horse. Just swing your leg up, and … sigh. Sew that leg back on immediately, soldier. The rest of you follow my lead and don’t mind the crackling! We are all dead regardless, a bit of static electricity should not deter us! If anything it will strike fear into the hearts of our enemies! That’s why they call it charging, you see? Good! You’re getting it! Now CHARGE!
Oh… oh no.
Well, men, next time I would prefer it if you didn’t explode, but I think you have the idea. Don’t get your spirits down! You’ll need a lot of work, but I think you stand a ghost of a chance!
Poll Vote!
Character: Ganondorf Dragmire
Series: The Legend of Zelda (Ocarina of Time + The Wind Waker)
Age: Unspecified, at least hundreds of years old. Appearance-wise… 30-something?
Job: Swim Coach
Canon: Ganondorf has but one goal in his long life: to conquer and rule over the land of Hyrule. To do so, he sought the power of the Goddesses, the Triforce, which would grant the wish of whoever first touched it. However, Ganondorf was only able to obtain one third of this sacred relic, the Triforce of Power. In seeking the other two pieces, he was defeated by the Hero of Time, the bearer of the Triforce of Courage. When Ganondorf again tried to conquer Hyrule and no Hero came to stop him, the Goddesses themselves refused Ganondorf, flooding the land and sealing Hyrule beneath the sea. Still Ganondorf would not be deterred, and stubbornly pressed on, searching always for the Triforce to grant his wish and make Hyrule his.
Everything in Ganondorf's personality revolves around his desire for Hyrule. Over the hundreds of years he has lived, he has mellowed out somewhat, though he still holds a harsh temper. He can be calm and patient, capable of long periods of deceit, when he thinks his goal is within his grasp. When that goal is taken from him, he quickly switches to insanity and violent anger. Perhaps acquiring the Triforce of Power corrupted him, creating an evil demon with only one desire, or perhaps he was already corruptly seeking that power. But in the end, he would kill and destroy those that stood in his way. And should he be unable to have Hyrule, he will make it so nobody can. (Or at least, he'll try. It usually ends up with him getting stabbed in the forehead. Poor guy.)
Note: Ganondorf is being taken from after the end of The Wind Waker.
Sample Post:
No, boy, I am not going to jump in and save your friend from drowning. Furthermore, if he cannot figure out that he is splashing about in a mere two feet of water, he deserves this pitiful death.
As for the rest of you who have just arrived at this lesson, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Ganondorf… and I am the master of this swimming pool.
I was born into a vast desert. The sun burned down upon us mercilessly, and the sand and sky were all that were visible as far as one could see. As I grew older, I knew water was not to be wasted. There was a river, it is true… a deep crevasse that marked the division between our land, and that of Hyrule. A gap between our suffering, and the bounty and wealth of Hyrule, that was not to be crossed. I crossed that gap, certainly. But I used the bridge, as would anybody with sense.
Your Director has informed me that it is for these reasons I shall teach you children to swim. There is no logic in this decision, as you can see, but your Director's outlook is… unique. And the outlook of one who possesses enough power to bring me here, from my imprisonment beneath the waves-well, I need only put up with her unique ideas until I make her power mine. And rest assured, I will. For what else could it be but fate, that I would find myself here, at the grace of a power that rivals even that of the Goddesses of the Triforce? I will wait my chance to obtain that which makes your Director a force to be feared. It is only destiny that her power should become mine, and until that power is in my grasp, whatever delay I must endure is nothing to me. I waited hundreds of years after the defeat dealt to me by the Hero of Time; I am patient.
And while I wait here, you campers will learn to swim under my direction. Thus far what I have seen is truly disappointing. You cannot even call that swimming; it is as though I was watching a cat drown in a puddle. Do not argue that in this encampment you have no real need to enter the water, let alone become a proficient swimmer. You can avoid the lake in your everyday life all you want, it is true, but that no longer matters. Starting now you will leap into this pool at my command, without hesitation, or risk inviting my ire. I myself will not be entering the water to demonstrate, and so you must obey my every instruction if you wish to learn to avoid drowning.
But do not fear. I will not kill you, should you fail to float.
I will leave that to Marcy.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Goofy Goof
Series: The Disney shorts
Age: In his mid thirties?
Job: Fishing coach
Canon: Many, many years ago, there lived a man named Walt Disney. This man, like many men, had an idea. Unlike most men, Disney was able to turn his idea into an extraordinary success. You and I know this success as none other than that cartoon icon, Mickey Mouse; this led to the creation of many other of Disney’s popular cartoon characters: Donald Duck, Minnie Mouse, Pluto, Chip ‘n Dale, and of course, Goofy.
Goofy is the, of course, lovable goof. He’s always trying to help out, but he usually ends up making a mess of things in the process. Even so, he is quite persistent in his work and won’t rest until the job is done. With his short-attention span, finishing a job usually takes a while. Surprisingly, he possesses a great deal of talents, is quite the athlete(although you'd never tell just by looking at him), and has held a variety of jobs throughout the years. He is a very faithful companion, and will more often than not stick by his friends, even when they don't desire his company. Overall, his determination and friendliness are what make him endearing to audiences worldwide, and hopefully will continue to do so for years to come.
Sample Entry: Hiya campers! A-hyuck! My name’s Goofy and I’m gonna be your new fishing coach! Well, let’s all get into the boat here!
Da di do doddle di di di di... And don’t forget to put on your life-jackets!
Gawrsh, you look like you could use some help puttin’ on your life-jacket there, Mr.Uggggggggh. Okay, now first we just put it over your head here, there we go and---oh, your head fell off, hyuck! We’ll just put that back on now, there ya go. Now, um, you just put your arms through the holes here---oh, your arm fell off! I’ll just put that back---oh, there goes your head again! Now, there we go, oh! Your arm came off again, hyuck! Now---there’s your head, hyuck! I’ll just---now, there's your arm again! Gawrsh, anybody got any glue? Oh, um, thanks Ms. Bananas! And, here ya go Mr. Uggggggggh. Now, campers, while Mr. Uggggggggh puts himself back together, we can get started on the lesson!
Okay, campers, the first thing ya do when you’re out fishing is ta make sure you’ve got all the proper equipment: you gotta have yer rod, yer hook, yer bait, yer lures, yer net, yer hat, yer boots, yer vest, yer shirt, yer pants, yer boat, yer picnic basket, and an umbrella in case it rains!
The second thing ya gotta do is put your bait on the hook! Just take a worm out of the bucket there! No need to fight over ‘em, there’s plenty for everybody! Oh ho, now no eatin’ the worms Mr. Toucan, hyuck! We have to save ‘em for the fish. Okay, now once you’ve got your worm, ya just place ‘em on hook. Whoa, slippery little feller! Now, once you’ve got the worm on the hook, ya can get ready to---now just stay on there, little feller. Now, I’m gonna show ya how to---oh, come on! Now, wait! I gotcha now! Now wait just a---oh! Gawrsh, looks like the fish are gonna get a free snack, hyuck! Well, if ya don’t like worms, you can use a lure...like this here eyeball lure! A-hyuck, oh, sorry Mr. Urrrrrrrrggggg.
Once yer done putting the bait on, then the real fun begins! Ya get ta cast out the rod and start catchin’ the fish! I’m gonna give you campers a demonstration! Now, uh, watch closely. Ya gotta stand with yer feet apart, throwin’ arm at 9 and the other arm at 3, hoppin’ on yer right foot, jump back a bit, and then wind up, and there it goes! Now, that’s what I call a good cast, a-hyuck! Uh, what was that ya say, Mr. Zombie? “WTF”? Hmmm…oh, I get it! Where’s the fish, a-hyuck! Well, they’re in the lake and we’ll probably be catching some any minute now, hyuck, we just gotta be patient. Oh, the world owes me a living, dee da dii doodle daddle doh…
Yep, just gotta wait another hour! So, who wants a sandwich? I’ve got bologna, PB&J, grilled cheese, head cheese, turkey---hey, I think I’ve caught somethin’! Oof, it’s really heavy, must be a real whopper! Ooh, I ‘ve got ‘im now! Wow, it’s a…tentacle? Hmm...well, I guess they’ll be servin’ calamari in the Mess Hall tonight, hyuck! Now uh, you gorillas come and help me get it into the boat here. Ugh, sure is hea---AHHHH! It’s still alive! Put it back, put it back! Whoa-ho, put me down, put me down! …oh, hi Mr. Giant Squid! I’m sorry about yer tentacle there, if ya want I could find somebody to---whoa, wait a minute, I can't fly! YAHHH-HA-HA-HOOEEEEEEYYYYYY…OOF! Oh…now that’s what I call, hyuck, a good cast! Hyu-hyu-hyu-hyu-hyuck!
Poll Vote!
Character: Ayanami
Series: 07-Ghost
Character Age: unknown, probably late 20's or so
Job: Public Relations Officer
Canon: 07-Ghost is the story of a former slave named Teito who discovers he's the heir to the legendary artifact, the Eye of Mikhail, and thus the target of the powerful Barsburg Empire which would like nothing more than to claim the Eye for its own purposes.
The Chief of Staff of the Barsburg military as well as the commander of the Black Hawks (an elite black ops unit whose members specialize in forbidden dark arts), Ayanami has taken a particular personal interest in pursuing Teito and recovering the Eye. A powerful individual, he's cold, calm, and calculating; and though he speaks politely, there's often a hint of a more manipulative and sadistic side lurking under the surface. Hardly a people person, he has quite the reputation as someone not to be trifled with, especially as he prefers to simply eliminate whatever - or whoever - poses a problem than bother with more tedious solutions.
Sample Post:
Local Date XX.06.2008 - Preliminary Report
It has been nearly twelve hours since my arrival in the territory known as "Camp Fuck You Die". Some of what passes for fauna here was quick to "greet" me as a new arrival with a series of quite vulgar displays; as they were becoming nuisance I quickly disposed of them. I also observed a considerable number of zombies in the area, and though they are pathetic fabrications and utterly useless for all but the most simple of tasks, the sheer numbers suggest a power behind them that may prove worth investigating. There is also the matter of the barrier, which I have not yet had an opportunity to examine, but while it is apparently designed for purposes of confinement rather than defense, its effectiveness in such measures seems to rival the most powerful anti-airship shields.
I have spoken with the Madame Director of this facility, who has seen fit to assign me the position of "Public Relations Officer" for the duration of my stay. As I understand, my duties are to include fielding questions and complaints of the "campers" currently living in this place and addressing problems appropriately. It would seem that the Director has perhaps greatly misunderstood my purpose here, however it seems best to cooperate for the time being, as she may be a useful source of information, and an open conflict at this point would be counter-productive.
In any case, the Director's lack of instruction fortunately leaves the details open to my own assessment of the situation. While I do not anticipate problems, should any arise I am certain I can find a... satisfactory solution. In the mean time I will continue investigating the reports of the Eye's vessel in the area, and will report further updates as needed.
End Report
...an addendum: after having finally encountered the rumored inhabitant of the central lake, I believe that some of the Black Hawks' diplomacy may be in order.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Kate Spencer, aka Manhunter.
Series: Manhunter (DC universe)
Age: Mid to late thirties.
Job: Manager of Important Legal Files
Canon: Once LA's renowned star federal prosecutor and, when she remembered, a mom, "Manhunter" Kate Spencer now works for the other side, defending anyone from supervillains to Wonder Woman. Since discovering the delights of vigilantism and taking up the superhero lifestyle, Kate's work-obsessed lone wolf style has softened somewhat. Despite her cool, professional exterior, Kate's inner mom shines through during quality time spent with her son, and she's learned to rely on friends for assistance when it's needed; even managing to maintain a functional relationship with her ex-husband. Stubborn to a fault, she may work as an agent for the Department of Extranormal Operations (the DEO, which keeps superpowered people out of trouble... well. TRIES to.), but ultimately she's her own woman; following her own lead and making the choices that she feels are best.
Far from being a traditional superhero vigilante, Kate fights beyond the system only when justice has already failed. Although personally disgusted by the request of her boss, Director Bones (literally, bones), that she defend the criminals she despises, Kate does so with a vengeance. Because it's the Smart Thing To Do. And, by the time the verdict's handed down, not only does Manhunter know where the villain lives, but she knows where to find all his friends as well. Though still working on the whole banter thing, she's self-deprecatingly sarcastic enough to get by with a quip. Quick to anger, she's also worked out that the best form of stress relief is beating criminals with her completely un-phallic staff; or, if that's broken, her gauntleted fists. Whatever's handy.
Sample Entry:
Good morning, residents. My name is Kate Spencer, and I'm joining you here today to commence my role as the Manager of Important Legal Files for your establishment. Although I had some misgivings regarding the title of my position here, your Director has assured my Director that it is entirely appropriate. The truth of this assurance remains to be seen. And I bet Bones is laughing his skull off, the fiend.
Generally I prefer to streamline my approach to a new position by organising and checking my materials in advance, however in this case I was told that all the information I require would be imparted to me on arrival. In point of fact, since arriving here, I have been unable to discern what it is, precisely that my role will entail. It seems that your establishment is already fully equipped with a stalwart legal team, and as such my skills in that area could be viewed as rather superfluous. Professional courtesy dictates that I refrain from stepping on the toes of litigators who are already present; however, I have not worked purely in file management since, well, college, and so I must submit my advanced apologies for any accidental insubordination on my part. I have never been particularly inclined to color inside the lines.
Bearing all that in mind, I would be more than happy to offer my assistance to the existing practitioners - on both sides, if necessary, or as an arbitrator should the need arise. I am capable of being utterly objective when required. Just ask my ex-husband.
Of course, as with any discerning consumer, you undoubtedly wish to know more about my particular and considerable expertise in the legal arena, and so I've prepared a dossier for your perusal should the need arise. You may even have heard of my most recent success - there's hardly a corner of the universe that word of Wonder Woman hasn't reached to, after all. Despite the difficulties inherent in the initial case, in the end she was not hard to get off, and I'm pleased to say that Diana was one of my most satisfied clients.Great, Kate, now they're laughing at you. Very smooth, really.
Naturally, my services will be available on a pro bono basis. I firmly believe that each and every individual is entitled to the best defence that money can buy, regardless of whether or not he, she, or it can afford... it. Oh, good sales pitch, Kate. That made complete sense; they're sure to be rushing to you for help now. Justice demands that even the most guilty have their day in court, and should any of you lovely residents find yourself in need of a defence attorney, look up Kate Spencer. If I can't get you off, then I sincerely doubt that anyone else can.
... oh, please. Is that really what you were laughing at before - what are you, five years old? That was so not funny.
Poll Vote!
Character: Hisagi Shuuhei
Series: Bleach
Age: appears to be in his early twenties
Job: Chief Editor for "Camp Fuck Your Newsletter"
Canon: What do you think happens after death? Well, according to Bleach, our souls either turn into monsters or get brought to Soul Society by grim reapers called shinigami. Unfortunately for living teen Ichigo, he got pulled into dead guy business way before his time-of-death and now gets to join the shounen adventures of the 13 shinigami divisions. But while each of these thirteen is led by a couple of special snowflakes, today we're focusing on the 9th division lieutenant, Hisagi Shuuhei. So who is he? Well… you know that onion metaphor about people having layers? Hisagi is more like an M&M. Like a thin candy coating, he gives off the initial image of a callous, arrogant punk-rocker with a "69" tattooed on his face like that big trademark M. But that tiny shell just barely covers his solid DORK chocolate center.
Known just as well for his newspaper editing job as his combat skills, Hisagi works hard and stays busy, but truthfully he has a distaste for battle and remains much more innocent and childish than his tattoos would suggest; as just under the surface of his dry, disinterested attitude lurks an excitable puppy who loves to cook and practice music and is completely topped by father figures and (in that blushing, only slightly perverted way) pretty girls... Once even to the point of locking himself inside his office for three whole days after the article he writes was poorly reviewed by his crush, Matsumoto. Aww :(
Sample Post:
Alright, men. Listen up. I don't know what kind of idiot you had organizing this newsletter before, but with me as your new chief, this just isn't going to cut it. I don't want to be here, and from the crayon picture of Marcy and myself on my desk, I can tell you don't want me here either, but I don't quit, and I sure as hell don't approve of half-assed jobs… Don't snicker. I was talking about your writing, not any of the jobs or asses in your stupid picture.
Now, I've taken a look at your previous work, or what's legible of it at least, and I have to say it isn't too bad. Like this series, "Be Vewy Vewy Quiet, I'm Hunting Mystewious Cweatuwes." There's a lot of potential for new content with all the unusual wildlife here, because I mean, everybody knows about the gorillas and zombies, but what about the underhyped abominations? I have to say that the search for the homopire issue was especially moving, and kudos to whoever drew the accompanying picture. I thought that the sparkles were a surprisingly beautiful touch.
As for the rest, I think most would be fine after a little revision, but a few of these I just don't think the world is ready for yet. Articles like "What Shapes the Clouds Looked Like Yesterday" are just going to go over the audience's heads, and "Hey! Look What I Wrote With My Feet!" is a little beneath us, don't you think? And don't even get me started on "Applied Astrophysics… IN MY PANTS!" It's offensive on so many dimensions that I'm not sure the human mind can grasp them all. I considered dropping one more, because I'm not usually a fan of relationship gossip, but it got such good ratings last time that I'm willing to give a probationary printing period to "Who Got Stuffed?" Just- Just keep the details to a minimum, and don't ever tell me how you find out so much about it. I don't want to know.
So that aside, I was generally pretty pleased with the content; I just couldn't understand why you'd released so few copies in the past. But now that I'm here at your "office," I'd say it's pretty clear that you're probably not just lazy bastards like I thought you would be. You know, seeing as you were never given a printer. Or even pens… Or a building. Seriously, what kind of chief did you have before who could think two desks and a water cooler in the woods made an acceptable place of business?
"A drunk?" What kind of answer is tha- Ooooh. That isn't water in the cooler at all, is it? …gentlemen, I think it might be time for you to throw me a welcome party. Hisagi's rules. First one to pass out gets a new tattoo. And today's theme is… Sparkle Motion.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Angelus
Series: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Age: Looks 26, actually roughly 270.
Job: Fine Arts Instructor
Canon: Buffy the Vampire Slayer is about a teenage girl with a really weird name who was chosen by DESTINY!1! to slay vampires. That part’s obvious. What is less immediately obvious is the drama that ensues when she realizes her true love is, in fact, a vampire. Dun dun DUN. Fortunately, this vampire named Angel is a good guy (as his less-than-subtle name should tell you), having been cursed by gypsies to have a soul and feel remorse for the countless atrocities he committed as a vampire.
Angelus is what happens when this curse goes bye-bye. He is a complete and utter psychopath, sadistic on a level most supervillains cannot fathom without vomiting. He is disturbingly insightful and delights in using a person’s innermost weaknesses against them, occasionally driving them permanently insane. He considers death to be an art form, deserving of meticulous and attentive care, and in need of an appropriately large audience. He also has an exceptionally dry and unsurprisingly macabre sense of humor, usually manifesting as cutting sarcasm. You know, the way it does with everyone Joss Whedon writes?
Sample Entry: Greetings, smelly decomposing sacks of crap. Oh, and we have some zombies with us too. Well, doesn’t that just makes a great day better. Today, we’re going to learn about finger-painting. And by ‘we’, I mean you’re going to get off your decaying asses and make some art or I am going to start ripping your limbs off and see what fun shapes I can make if I nail them together. Now, begin.
Say what?
Of course we have no paint, you retard. We’re in the middle of a swamp. Improvise! Do I have to spoon fed you every little detail?! I’m going to name you Bruno just because you are that much of a moron. Even for the walking dead, you people are just… brainless. I mean, I’ve come across zombies before and I gotta say, you are lowering the bar.
Now, watch carefully because I’m only going to do this once. Okay, that’s a lie since I’m actually pretty much going to do it until it gets boring or I find something that isn’t rotting all over my shoes. One hand on the neck, one hand on the shoulder, quick pull up, and voila, you have paint. Now, dip your fingers into the gapping neck wound if your hands aren’t covered with enough blood and start producing masterpieces. If you run out of materials from Bruno’s decapitated corpse, look around. There’s plenty of you to spare and passing grades will not be given to students without heads.
You know, I have to admit, I never thought being a teacher would be so satisfying. Of course, the only other teacher I know is the delectable Miss Calender and, well, I think she was way too tightly wound. She seemed so much more relaxed once I was done with her, much more loose. Not so much for conversation, though, which was a crying shame.
Speaking of conversation, would it kill one of you to chat a little? I know that it wouldn’t, since I’m holding Bruno’s severed head, neck, spinal cord, and part of his esophagus, and his body is still shuffling around.
The joys of teaching. It’s so much easier working with animals. At least they make noise when you rip them apart.
Poll Vote!
Character:Hades.
Series: Disney's Hercules.
Character Age:
Job: Careers Counsellor / Alternative Heat Source.
Canon: Your Ancient Greek Gods were not exactly known for being family friendly - unless your definition of friendly includes incest, rape and vore. Disney's definition doesn't. In order to make the story of Hercules safe for public consumption, the good folks at Disney took all the fun stuff out of the film and replaced it with Hades.
The God of Death got something of a make-over including blue skin and ever-present flames. Personality-wise, he's petty, vindictive and selfish, with no qualms about preying on the vulnerable to further his own cause. In fact, that's pretty much what he does, employing fast-talking salesman-like tactics to manipulate those around him. But he's not all charm - in his realm, he is all powerful, and outside it, Hades comes very close to achieving his goal of ultimate power and seizing Olympus. Hey, it's not his fault his help leaves something to be desired. You wouldn't believe how hard it is to get good minions these days.
Sample Post:
You. Yes, you. Big guy. Digging those pectorals. You work out? And your friend there. Nice dress sense. I'm guessing you didn't get that off the rack. And for that matter, nice rack. Snazzy dress sense --just what I like in a minion.And the rest of you charmers too -- I'm just dying to get acquainted. You can tell, right?
But enough small talk. I can see you've got stuff to slay, swamps to escape from, rotting to do -- and hey, I can relate. You think the Underworld manages itself? No, I tell you. Keeping all those dead people in line. It's crazy. You don't prop 'em up right one goes and sets the lot of them off like dominos.
But enough about me, we're talking about you and what you can do for me. You see, bud -- can I call you bud? I just feel like we're having a moment. Anyway, bud, buddy, pal.
I want your soul.
Woah, slow down. I know what you're thinking. My soul? This small insignificant piece of mortal baggage I've been carting around with me for years? It's probably tarnished, maybe a little cracked -- who are we kidding? You crazy kids live in a swamp with monsters, an amorous hydra, and psychic birds and I thought the Fates were disturbing. Hey, I bet you probably didn't even know you still had a soul! So I can see you're asking yourself, what possible use could there be for my soul? Well, bud, I'm going to let you in on a little secret.
See, something's rotten in the state of Thebes and it's not the gentleman in green there. That is some lethal BO there and hey, I would know. You want to get that fixed. No, see right now there's some discontent with the way things have been going and looks like there's trouble brewing between the quote good guys and the forces of darkness and evil yadda yadda, you've heard it all before so I'm not going to bore you. Let's cut to the chase: we'd all hate to see the wrong guy win, right? I mean, Olympus, all that power in the hands of an egotistical tyrant -- excuse me. I get steamed up just thinking about it.
Which is why I am personally putting together an army to make sure the right guy gets the prize. I know, I know -- but that's me, Hades. Always looking out for the underdog. But my generosity doesn't stop there. See, not only does signing up for my army of the Undead come with free health-care and a generous allotment of sick-leave, but join me now and I'll throw in eternity to boot. Give me your soul now and I promise you won't age a day or at all. Live fast, give Hades your eternal soul. So okay, still working on that slogan but you've got to admit a chance like this only comes around once an Age. Sick leave only applies to the living; offer not open to vampires, zombies, ghouls and the thing drooling on my robe.
So -- who's in?
Poll Vote!