(no subject)
Keeeeeeep votiiiiiiiiing and reminder to all future applicants to format your apps in a .txt file or similar (NOT .DOC OR .DOCX), and to include all necessary tags. I don't want to format your app for you. :(d Also, dup at the end!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Closed!
Character: Uru Takamura
Series: Shiawase Kissa Sanchoume
Character age: 16
Canon: Shiawase Kissa Sanchoume is a manga about happiness: the things that make a person happy and making others happy. Our heroine is one Uru Takamura, who has recently struck out on her own after her mother remarries, initially believing that she would be a burden to her family but also with the desire to become more independent. One wonders how she thought she could accomplish living on her own when the only thing she can cook is rice that she eats it with nothing but seasoning. After some initial confusion and freaking out, she soon acquires a part-time job at Café Bonheur in the town of Shiawase and just as quickly slips into the routine of frequently being scolded by the gruff, unsociable pastry chef (Shindou-san) and being draped on by an easygoing narcoleptic.
Despite her childish looks and behaviour, Uru is insanely strong (enough that her coworkers are more concerned about the wellbeing of any lolicons who might target her) and her often forgetting this fact has resulted in many broken dishes and cracks in the walls. Not exactly the brightest apple in the bunch, she is impulsive, a little naive and has a tendency to overreact, but she is also full of smiles and has a big heart; nothing makes her happier than seeing others happy and sometimes she is all too eager to help out any way she can, be it serving customers cake or playing Cupid for a school friend. All she needs in return is the knowledge that she has made them at least a little happier.
Sample Post:
Okay. This is starting to be just a bit weird. First off, where am I!? I thought these instructions were supposed to get me to the other side of town. This doesn't even look remotely like Shiawase! I'm not even outdoors anymore, and it's dank and dirty and-- a-aaah oh no the bad smell is going to ruin the cake! What was Shindou-san thinking when he wanted me to walk through a place like this to deliver it, it doesn't really seem like him ...
Come to think of it, nothing about this has seemed right from the beginning. I mean, they've never left me alone in the store before. Just because I might break something! Or ... five things. And I didn't even know we sold cakes like this. Sure, it looks ... nice, but these lady fingers look like real fingers and the strawberry topping is almost too red, kind of like blood. We don't make cakes this creepy. I think. And anyway when did we start doing deliveries? Take-outs, yes, but-- Actually now that I look more closely, this doesn't even seem like Shindou-san's hand ... writing ...
... Oh my god I'm such an idiot. How could I be duped like that?! Now I'm stuck god knows where and alone and with nothing but this weird cake! Nooo, I can only imagine the trouble I'm causing them back at the café right now ...! And here I was thinking I was being useful too ... Mmmgh. Okay, Uru, you got yourself into this and you have to get yourself out! You can do it! Now I just need to think. I don't think I can trust these instructions anymore, but I don't want to get even more lost either, so the next best thing would obviously be ... to call for help through my mental powers! Yeah!! I might not have any special powers exactly, but I just know there are psychics in the world, so I'm sure if I think hard enough someone is bound to hear me. Umm let's see, some~one~ please~ hear~ my~ pleaaa~.
Hey, I hear footsteps! It worked! Yes!! Although it kinda sounds more like shuffling than footsteps. Maybe they have a limp? A-Ah, if they're having trouble walking, I should probably go make my way toward them to make it easier for them, shouldn't I? --Hi there! I'm lost and I was wondering if you could ... Mister, you don't look very well. Should you really be out and about? Huh, what do you mean? This cake is yours? Wow, someone really ordered this? O-Oh I see, so I was taking too long and you couldn't wait. I'm very sorry. But still, it's important to take care of yourself, you know! You really shouldn't have gone through all the trouble of coming to get it. No, no, I'll take it there for you. Seriously, I insist! And ... Urrgah-san, right? Eating cake when you're sick isn't good for you! Yes, even if it's supposed to be good for your brains! Is it really? I never knew that! I-- Hey wait a minute, I said no cake when you're sick!!
... D-Did I just ... GYAAAAA!! Oh my god I'm so sorry, I-I knew I was strong but I never thought I'd be able to tear a person's arm off! I'm going to be charged f-for attempted murder or something! Aaah, don't worry, Urrgah-san, you'll be okay if we can just get out of here and get you to a hospital-- URRGAH-SAN YOU'RE FALLING APART OH NO I'M GOING TO GET INTO SO MUCH TROUBLE FOR THIS!!
Poll Vote!
Character: Ravager/Rose Wilson Link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rose_Wilson#Fictional_character_biography
Series: Teen Titans (DC Comics)
Character Age: 17
Canon: Daughter of Slade Wilson (aka Deathstroke), the nemesis of the Teen Titans, Rose Wilson is a girl with some rough times behind her. Sheltered by her mother for most of her young life, Rose was taught martial arts, proficiency with katanas, and how to use her precognitive abilities while in combat. Eventually she became an ally of the Titans, but in the wake of her mother's death her father came to take her under his corrupt wing. He began injecting her with the same serum that enhanced his strength and reflexes, causing Rose to fall victim to psychosis. Turning on the Teen Titans, Rose began to work with her father, killing mercilessly as Ravager, and even gouging out her own eye in a twisted attempt to prove her loyalty to her father. The Titans finally succeeded in rescuing Rose and weaning her from the serum. Since then she has redeemed the name of Ravager, proving her loyalty to the Titans on numerous occasions. Despite her reformations she is not without remaining issues. Rose continues to be prone to anger, starting fights with others, and insulting friend, foe, and everything in between. To prevent her killing anyone, Robin recently gave her a set of non-lethal laser katanas that double as a force field.
Sample Post:
I could gut Robin right now. Bird boy would have more than a broken wing right now if I saw him.
He sends me to this idiotic camp to help investigate some paranormal crap. I figured it was probably just a few pranks gone awry. At worst, it was some easily exorcised demons. WRONG!
There are zombies everywhere! Nasty, rotting dead guys crawling all over the camp, and no one seems to be able to stop them. I can’t even take out my anger on them because the goddamn energy katana Robin gave me don’t cut through flesh. Not that cutting them up would stop the zombies, but I would feel much better if I could at least pretend to kill something. Seriously, what good are these wanna-be-lightsabers if I can’t even mutilate the inhuman enemies…
I. Am. Pissed.
Fuck zombies! Fuck Robin! Fuck these swords that don’t do jack!
I better go find a sharp stick somewhere so I can poke out some eyes when the zombies decide to try and have me for dinner.
-Ravager
Poll Vote!
Character: Zima
Series: Chobits
Character Age: Physically ~20
Canon: In the Not-So-Distant-Future (TM), computers are sentient, built to look human, and have personalities of their own (to varying degrees of complexity, based on their programming.) Chobits is the heartwarming tale of a boy, Hideki, and his humanoid computer (AKA persocom), Chii. Zima's job (along with his partner, Dita) is to track down Chii and stop her from activating a certain program - this would make him the villian of our little story, except for the part where he'd rather Chii find happiness.
Zima's usually a pretty calm, easygoing guy, preferring to hang out on rooftops with Dita rather than actually do their job. He switches between being serious and joking easily, spending most of the series alternately teasing Dita, making cryptic remarks, questioning and waxing philosophic about machines and love - topics close to his non-existent heart, since he's a persocom himself. Zima's actually the national data bank, specialized for tracking down threats to data security. Dita was built to protect him, both physically and as a sort of pro-active firewall. Despite the fact that they're both persocoms, Zima is completely in love with Dita and spends a lot of his time trying to get her to admit that she loves him too.
Sample Post:
This place isn't on any of the maps in my database - and I'm not so sure a swamp's the best place to be. Don't want any of this muck messing up my delicate parts, you know. And wouldn't it just be terrible if I sunk right away into it, never to be seen or heard from again? The answer to that is yes, by the way! I'm more suited for cities, to be honest. Like the city I was in not half an hour ago, that suddenly turned into a swamp. That was pretty strange.
Speaking of strange things, I'd never seen a 'com shaped like a cow before now, either. I wonder who felt the need to design that one - we might all be children of the creator, but some ideas probably should have stayed on the drawing board. Do bovine computers dream of electronic grass? A question we may now never know the answer to, because that one just met the same fate I almost did and got swallowed up by the swamp. Good thing I don't need to eat, if that's a sample of the wildlife around here.
--Hey now, what's this? You're a strange-looking laptop, aren't you? My data tells me that non-humanoid computers like you haven't been manufactured in years, yet here you are. Fascinating - I bet you don't even have any kind of personality data, do you.
-what? "Do I make your drive hard?" That was terrible - I take it back, maybe you do have some kind of personality software after all, though I can't say it's any good. I've heard better puns from accounting 'coms. And no, I'm not a "love machine" either - I don't carry that kind of program. I don't think my Dita would like me very much if I did!
I don't suppose an ancient machine like you can tell me where we are-- Camp Fuck You Die? --Accessing databanks... all relevant data wiped and replaced with "Abandon hope, all ye who enter" and an automatically downloaded, 10 gigabyte folder consisting entirely of x-rated files. Charming place, I can tell already! It's a good thing I've got such a great firewall. Of course, it would be better if she were actually here, not back in Tokyo.
So, now that I know where I am, I don't suppose you can tell me how to get back to Tokyo? No? I'm somehow not surprised. No, I don't need comforting.
--And no, I definitely don't want to interface with you.
Poll Vote!
Applicant #1
Character: The Archive
Series: The Dresden Files
Character Age: 12
Canon: Dresden Files is the first-person narrative of the wizard Harry Dresden, as he saves the universe (or at least attempts to survive in it), dealing with magical nasties, human nasties, and everything in between while making dozens of pop culture references and getting the girl... Once every few years. The Archive is a magical database containing the accumulated wisdom and knowledge of mankind; Thousands of years of memory and everything that has been written ever, passed down from mother to daughter. The very depressing history of humanity- Every war, every recorded horror, every troll on the internet- often drives the host to insanity.
The Archive, aka Ivy, remains a desperately lonely child, generally holding herself emotionally distant and aloof from other humans to limit the chances of going insane. Formal in conversation and acting with maturity far beyond her years, making her at times an unnerving conversationalist, she still displays glimpses of her age; Rendering official documents in crayon and taking delight in adorable animals. This shouldn't be taken as a sign of weakness- She fulfills her duties and protects herself with ruthless efficiency, and as one of the most badass forces in the universe, doing The Archive wrong is just generally a bad idea.
Note: Kincaid is a mecenary, and The Archive's hired protection.
Sample post:
Camp Fuck You die. A camp with a very unusual name, not that the lack of comma makes much difference to the end result. Both ways, you die. With the amount of zombies here, the name isn't really needed, either. It's fairly obvious this isn't a nice place.
Unsurprisingly, this isn't where i'm supposed to be. It isn't Halloween, and McDonalds would never be this enthusiastic about horror decorating- Even if they would jump at the chance to hire zombies. And given all accounts say this place runs on pain, and suffering, and schadenfruede, I don't think I want to try any cookies the people here give me. Any creatures I meet here are unlikely to be handing them out for a good cause.
...Speak of the Devil, and he appears. Although, not truly. A bear isn't one of those guises, and I don't think he'd be a FedEx driver. How did a van even get into the middle of this swamp and remain white?
Good evening, Mister. Bear. Introductions are unnecessary. Unfortunately, I know who you are, and where you came from. And I know what you do, Mister. Bear. This may be a jail, but I am not bait, and you're not going to lure me with candy. And no, I do not want to try your snickerdoodle; I do not like your soft cookies, and I'm not going to help you find a hard one. I am The Archive, not a rising agent or your flour. I know you cannot be killed, but if you continue to be bad, I'm going to wish you away to a beehive.
I don't care that the cookies are 'rocketship' shaped, and i'm not helping you to blast off. I did give you a warning, Mister. Bear.
The van will be useful. Kincaid would be most upset if he found out I was traipsing through a zombie-infested swamp. It wouldn't be very good for my health. I'm going to need something to sit on, because it wouldn't be very good for my health if I couldn't see over the wheel and crashed, either. Luckily, this van is well-stocked and an automatic, so I won't need both hands.
Oh, this will do quite nicely. And it's Hello Kitty. I like Hello Kitty. You put your hand on the stick, and the other on the wheel... Start going forward slowly...
Next stop, the camp zone.
Applicant #2
Character Name: The Archive (Ivy)
Series: The Dresden Files
Character Age: 10
Canon: Since the dawn of time, the world has been full of hostile and powerful things, most of which regard humanity as a plaything or a meal. There are heroes who stand against these things, and so far they've been successful, but long ago some entity made plans in case one day they should fail. Enter The Archive, a living repository of the sum total of humanity's collective knowledge, passed from mother to daughter through the centuries. The Archive is a sacred trust, utterly neutral and imbued with all the phenomenal power that knowledge can bring.
She's also, at the moment, a ten year old girl.
The current Archive is also known as Ivy, a name bestowed on her by one Harry Dresden when he learned that "Archive" served her both as name and title. Ivy's a model child, self-parenting to an almost frightening degree; she's polite, sets her own bedtimes, and even regulates her own diet. Still, she can't help but be an ordinary little girl every so often, such as when she signs treaties between vampires and wizards in crayon, or holds meetings between fallen angels and holy knights in a place where she can watch sea otters play while the talks go down.
Note: The Nevernever is a parallel dimension, part Fairyland, part R'yleh, and part mirror of our world; wizards can access it to travel quickly or escape from dangerous situations in the real world.
Sample Post:
I'm quite sure this is the wrong summer camp. Of course, I didn't think that summer camps for sexually deviant necromancers existed, but I suppose certain websites which I'd rather not know about must have gotten their inspiration from somewhere. How on Earth did I end up here? There must have been some kind of horrible mistake. Children my age shouldn't be exposed to this kind of thing. It's damaging to proper psychosexual development.
Speaking of proper psychosexual development, if one more zombie tells me that it "likes the looks of my brains," I'll be forced to take steps. I've disintegrated seventeen so far; one would think that the necromancer controlling them would have shown himself by now. If nothing else, he must be running out of pedophiles to raise. At least, I hope he must be. Statistically, at most five percent of the population exibits pedophiliac tendencies, and I find it difficult to believe that someone has imported corpses from out of state.
Perhaps it's simply that he or she is imposing his own tendencies on the corpses he raises. Their obsession with brains would imply the same thing; it's not as if zombies need to eat, after all, and it's not as though brains would provide vital nutrients. Zombies may not worry about prion infection, but it's still a silly thing to order them to do. Not only is this necromancer a pervert, but he seems to be fond of the worst sort of B-movie.
That makes eighteen, and this one wasn't even properly clothed. I wish I hadn't seen that. I'm beginning to suspect that this is a deliberate attack. I've been separated from my bodyguard and, apparently, imprisoned in a very large barrier. Whoever engineered it has miscalculated, however. They may have cut off my access to the Nevernever, but I retain access to the rest of my abilities. They should have contained me while I was still disoriented; if they try now, they will sincerely regret the attempt--
--are those toucans? They're not native to this climate. Was this some kind of nature preserve before the necromancer claimed it?...oh, look at them, they're adorable. I suppose I can wait just a little while before I look for a telephone. I wonder if they'd let me pet them?
A telepathic toucan? I didn't expect that. As it happens, I do know several games, Mr. Toucan. I have some crayons, so we can play Pictionary if you promise not to read my mind; I wouldn't advise it in any case. Here, you can go first.
........
...on second thought, perhaps we can play something else. I don't think I like crayons anymore.
Poll Vote!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Closed!
Character: Uru Takamura
Series: Shiawase Kissa Sanchoume
Character age: 16
Canon: Shiawase Kissa Sanchoume is a manga about happiness: the things that make a person happy and making others happy. Our heroine is one Uru Takamura, who has recently struck out on her own after her mother remarries, initially believing that she would be a burden to her family but also with the desire to become more independent. One wonders how she thought she could accomplish living on her own when the only thing she can cook is rice that she eats it with nothing but seasoning. After some initial confusion and freaking out, she soon acquires a part-time job at Café Bonheur in the town of Shiawase and just as quickly slips into the routine of frequently being scolded by the gruff, unsociable pastry chef (Shindou-san) and being draped on by an easygoing narcoleptic.
Despite her childish looks and behaviour, Uru is insanely strong (enough that her coworkers are more concerned about the wellbeing of any lolicons who might target her) and her often forgetting this fact has resulted in many broken dishes and cracks in the walls. Not exactly the brightest apple in the bunch, she is impulsive, a little naive and has a tendency to overreact, but she is also full of smiles and has a big heart; nothing makes her happier than seeing others happy and sometimes she is all too eager to help out any way she can, be it serving customers cake or playing Cupid for a school friend. All she needs in return is the knowledge that she has made them at least a little happier.
Sample Post:
Okay. This is starting to be just a bit weird. First off, where am I!? I thought these instructions were supposed to get me to the other side of town. This doesn't even look remotely like Shiawase! I'm not even outdoors anymore, and it's dank and dirty and-- a-aaah oh no the bad smell is going to ruin the cake! What was Shindou-san thinking when he wanted me to walk through a place like this to deliver it, it doesn't really seem like him ...
Come to think of it, nothing about this has seemed right from the beginning. I mean, they've never left me alone in the store before. Just because I might break something! Or ... five things. And I didn't even know we sold cakes like this. Sure, it looks ... nice, but these lady fingers look like real fingers and the strawberry topping is almost too red, kind of like blood. We don't make cakes this creepy. I think. And anyway when did we start doing deliveries? Take-outs, yes, but-- Actually now that I look more closely, this doesn't even seem like Shindou-san's hand ... writing ...
... Oh my god I'm such an idiot. How could I be duped like that?! Now I'm stuck god knows where and alone and with nothing but this weird cake! Nooo, I can only imagine the trouble I'm causing them back at the café right now ...! And here I was thinking I was being useful too ... Mmmgh. Okay, Uru, you got yourself into this and you have to get yourself out! You can do it! Now I just need to think. I don't think I can trust these instructions anymore, but I don't want to get even more lost either, so the next best thing would obviously be ... to call for help through my mental powers! Yeah!! I might not have any special powers exactly, but I just know there are psychics in the world, so I'm sure if I think hard enough someone is bound to hear me. Umm let's see, some~one~ please~ hear~ my~ pleaaa~.
Hey, I hear footsteps! It worked! Yes!! Although it kinda sounds more like shuffling than footsteps. Maybe they have a limp? A-Ah, if they're having trouble walking, I should probably go make my way toward them to make it easier for them, shouldn't I? --Hi there! I'm lost and I was wondering if you could ... Mister, you don't look very well. Should you really be out and about? Huh, what do you mean? This cake is yours? Wow, someone really ordered this? O-Oh I see, so I was taking too long and you couldn't wait. I'm very sorry. But still, it's important to take care of yourself, you know! You really shouldn't have gone through all the trouble of coming to get it. No, no, I'll take it there for you. Seriously, I insist! And ... Urrgah-san, right? Eating cake when you're sick isn't good for you! Yes, even if it's supposed to be good for your brains! Is it really? I never knew that! I-- Hey wait a minute, I said no cake when you're sick!!
... D-Did I just ... GYAAAAA!! Oh my god I'm so sorry, I-I knew I was strong but I never thought I'd be able to tear a person's arm off! I'm going to be charged f-for attempted murder or something! Aaah, don't worry, Urrgah-san, you'll be okay if we can just get out of here and get you to a hospital-- URRGAH-SAN YOU'RE FALLING APART OH NO I'M GOING TO GET INTO SO MUCH TROUBLE FOR THIS!!
Poll Vote!
Character: Ravager/Rose Wilson Link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rose_Wilson#Fictional_character_biography
Series: Teen Titans (DC Comics)
Character Age: 17
Canon: Daughter of Slade Wilson (aka Deathstroke), the nemesis of the Teen Titans, Rose Wilson is a girl with some rough times behind her. Sheltered by her mother for most of her young life, Rose was taught martial arts, proficiency with katanas, and how to use her precognitive abilities while in combat. Eventually she became an ally of the Titans, but in the wake of her mother's death her father came to take her under his corrupt wing. He began injecting her with the same serum that enhanced his strength and reflexes, causing Rose to fall victim to psychosis. Turning on the Teen Titans, Rose began to work with her father, killing mercilessly as Ravager, and even gouging out her own eye in a twisted attempt to prove her loyalty to her father. The Titans finally succeeded in rescuing Rose and weaning her from the serum. Since then she has redeemed the name of Ravager, proving her loyalty to the Titans on numerous occasions. Despite her reformations she is not without remaining issues. Rose continues to be prone to anger, starting fights with others, and insulting friend, foe, and everything in between. To prevent her killing anyone, Robin recently gave her a set of non-lethal laser katanas that double as a force field.
Sample Post:
I could gut Robin right now. Bird boy would have more than a broken wing right now if I saw him.
He sends me to this idiotic camp to help investigate some paranormal crap. I figured it was probably just a few pranks gone awry. At worst, it was some easily exorcised demons. WRONG!
There are zombies everywhere! Nasty, rotting dead guys crawling all over the camp, and no one seems to be able to stop them. I can’t even take out my anger on them because the goddamn energy katana Robin gave me don’t cut through flesh. Not that cutting them up would stop the zombies, but I would feel much better if I could at least pretend to kill something. Seriously, what good are these wanna-be-lightsabers if I can’t even mutilate the inhuman enemies…
I. Am. Pissed.
Fuck zombies! Fuck Robin! Fuck these swords that don’t do jack!
I better go find a sharp stick somewhere so I can poke out some eyes when the zombies decide to try and have me for dinner.
-Ravager
Poll Vote!
Character: Zima
Series: Chobits
Character Age: Physically ~20
Canon: In the Not-So-Distant-Future (TM), computers are sentient, built to look human, and have personalities of their own (to varying degrees of complexity, based on their programming.) Chobits is the heartwarming tale of a boy, Hideki, and his humanoid computer (AKA persocom), Chii. Zima's job (along with his partner, Dita) is to track down Chii and stop her from activating a certain program - this would make him the villian of our little story, except for the part where he'd rather Chii find happiness.
Zima's usually a pretty calm, easygoing guy, preferring to hang out on rooftops with Dita rather than actually do their job. He switches between being serious and joking easily, spending most of the series alternately teasing Dita, making cryptic remarks, questioning and waxing philosophic about machines and love - topics close to his non-existent heart, since he's a persocom himself. Zima's actually the national data bank, specialized for tracking down threats to data security. Dita was built to protect him, both physically and as a sort of pro-active firewall. Despite the fact that they're both persocoms, Zima is completely in love with Dita and spends a lot of his time trying to get her to admit that she loves him too.
Sample Post:
This place isn't on any of the maps in my database - and I'm not so sure a swamp's the best place to be. Don't want any of this muck messing up my delicate parts, you know. And wouldn't it just be terrible if I sunk right away into it, never to be seen or heard from again? The answer to that is yes, by the way! I'm more suited for cities, to be honest. Like the city I was in not half an hour ago, that suddenly turned into a swamp. That was pretty strange.
Speaking of strange things, I'd never seen a 'com shaped like a cow before now, either. I wonder who felt the need to design that one - we might all be children of the creator, but some ideas probably should have stayed on the drawing board. Do bovine computers dream of electronic grass? A question we may now never know the answer to, because that one just met the same fate I almost did and got swallowed up by the swamp. Good thing I don't need to eat, if that's a sample of the wildlife around here.
--Hey now, what's this? You're a strange-looking laptop, aren't you? My data tells me that non-humanoid computers like you haven't been manufactured in years, yet here you are. Fascinating - I bet you don't even have any kind of personality data, do you.
-what? "Do I make your drive hard?" That was terrible - I take it back, maybe you do have some kind of personality software after all, though I can't say it's any good. I've heard better puns from accounting 'coms. And no, I'm not a "love machine" either - I don't carry that kind of program. I don't think my Dita would like me very much if I did!
I don't suppose an ancient machine like you can tell me where we are-- Camp Fuck You Die? --Accessing databanks... all relevant data wiped and replaced with "Abandon hope, all ye who enter" and an automatically downloaded, 10 gigabyte folder consisting entirely of x-rated files. Charming place, I can tell already! It's a good thing I've got such a great firewall. Of course, it would be better if she were actually here, not back in Tokyo.
So, now that I know where I am, I don't suppose you can tell me how to get back to Tokyo? No? I'm somehow not surprised. No, I don't need comforting.
--And no, I definitely don't want to interface with you.
Poll Vote!
Applicant #1
Character: The Archive
Series: The Dresden Files
Character Age: 12
Canon: Dresden Files is the first-person narrative of the wizard Harry Dresden, as he saves the universe (or at least attempts to survive in it), dealing with magical nasties, human nasties, and everything in between while making dozens of pop culture references and getting the girl... Once every few years. The Archive is a magical database containing the accumulated wisdom and knowledge of mankind; Thousands of years of memory and everything that has been written ever, passed down from mother to daughter. The very depressing history of humanity- Every war, every recorded horror, every troll on the internet- often drives the host to insanity.
The Archive, aka Ivy, remains a desperately lonely child, generally holding herself emotionally distant and aloof from other humans to limit the chances of going insane. Formal in conversation and acting with maturity far beyond her years, making her at times an unnerving conversationalist, she still displays glimpses of her age; Rendering official documents in crayon and taking delight in adorable animals. This shouldn't be taken as a sign of weakness- She fulfills her duties and protects herself with ruthless efficiency, and as one of the most badass forces in the universe, doing The Archive wrong is just generally a bad idea.
Note: Kincaid is a mecenary, and The Archive's hired protection.
Sample post:
Camp Fuck You die. A camp with a very unusual name, not that the lack of comma makes much difference to the end result. Both ways, you die. With the amount of zombies here, the name isn't really needed, either. It's fairly obvious this isn't a nice place.
Unsurprisingly, this isn't where i'm supposed to be. It isn't Halloween, and McDonalds would never be this enthusiastic about horror decorating- Even if they would jump at the chance to hire zombies. And given all accounts say this place runs on pain, and suffering, and schadenfruede, I don't think I want to try any cookies the people here give me. Any creatures I meet here are unlikely to be handing them out for a good cause.
...Speak of the Devil, and he appears. Although, not truly. A bear isn't one of those guises, and I don't think he'd be a FedEx driver. How did a van even get into the middle of this swamp and remain white?
Good evening, Mister. Bear. Introductions are unnecessary. Unfortunately, I know who you are, and where you came from. And I know what you do, Mister. Bear. This may be a jail, but I am not bait, and you're not going to lure me with candy. And no, I do not want to try your snickerdoodle; I do not like your soft cookies, and I'm not going to help you find a hard one. I am The Archive, not a rising agent or your flour. I know you cannot be killed, but if you continue to be bad, I'm going to wish you away to a beehive.
I don't care that the cookies are 'rocketship' shaped, and i'm not helping you to blast off. I did give you a warning, Mister. Bear.
The van will be useful. Kincaid would be most upset if he found out I was traipsing through a zombie-infested swamp. It wouldn't be very good for my health. I'm going to need something to sit on, because it wouldn't be very good for my health if I couldn't see over the wheel and crashed, either. Luckily, this van is well-stocked and an automatic, so I won't need both hands.
Oh, this will do quite nicely. And it's Hello Kitty. I like Hello Kitty. You put your hand on the stick, and the other on the wheel... Start going forward slowly...
Next stop, the camp zone.
Applicant #2
Character Name: The Archive (Ivy)
Series: The Dresden Files
Character Age: 10
Canon: Since the dawn of time, the world has been full of hostile and powerful things, most of which regard humanity as a plaything or a meal. There are heroes who stand against these things, and so far they've been successful, but long ago some entity made plans in case one day they should fail. Enter The Archive, a living repository of the sum total of humanity's collective knowledge, passed from mother to daughter through the centuries. The Archive is a sacred trust, utterly neutral and imbued with all the phenomenal power that knowledge can bring.
She's also, at the moment, a ten year old girl.
The current Archive is also known as Ivy, a name bestowed on her by one Harry Dresden when he learned that "Archive" served her both as name and title. Ivy's a model child, self-parenting to an almost frightening degree; she's polite, sets her own bedtimes, and even regulates her own diet. Still, she can't help but be an ordinary little girl every so often, such as when she signs treaties between vampires and wizards in crayon, or holds meetings between fallen angels and holy knights in a place where she can watch sea otters play while the talks go down.
Note: The Nevernever is a parallel dimension, part Fairyland, part R'yleh, and part mirror of our world; wizards can access it to travel quickly or escape from dangerous situations in the real world.
Sample Post:
I'm quite sure this is the wrong summer camp. Of course, I didn't think that summer camps for sexually deviant necromancers existed, but I suppose certain websites which I'd rather not know about must have gotten their inspiration from somewhere. How on Earth did I end up here? There must have been some kind of horrible mistake. Children my age shouldn't be exposed to this kind of thing. It's damaging to proper psychosexual development.
Speaking of proper psychosexual development, if one more zombie tells me that it "likes the looks of my brains," I'll be forced to take steps. I've disintegrated seventeen so far; one would think that the necromancer controlling them would have shown himself by now. If nothing else, he must be running out of pedophiles to raise. At least, I hope he must be. Statistically, at most five percent of the population exibits pedophiliac tendencies, and I find it difficult to believe that someone has imported corpses from out of state.
Perhaps it's simply that he or she is imposing his own tendencies on the corpses he raises. Their obsession with brains would imply the same thing; it's not as if zombies need to eat, after all, and it's not as though brains would provide vital nutrients. Zombies may not worry about prion infection, but it's still a silly thing to order them to do. Not only is this necromancer a pervert, but he seems to be fond of the worst sort of B-movie.
That makes eighteen, and this one wasn't even properly clothed. I wish I hadn't seen that. I'm beginning to suspect that this is a deliberate attack. I've been separated from my bodyguard and, apparently, imprisoned in a very large barrier. Whoever engineered it has miscalculated, however. They may have cut off my access to the Nevernever, but I retain access to the rest of my abilities. They should have contained me while I was still disoriented; if they try now, they will sincerely regret the attempt--
--are those toucans? They're not native to this climate. Was this some kind of nature preserve before the necromancer claimed it?...oh, look at them, they're adorable. I suppose I can wait just a little while before I look for a telephone. I wonder if they'd let me pet them?
A telepathic toucan? I didn't expect that. As it happens, I do know several games, Mr. Toucan. I have some crayons, so we can play Pictionary if you promise not to read my mind; I wouldn't advise it in any case. Here, you can go first.
........
...on second thought, perhaps we can play something else. I don't think I like crayons anymore.
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