(no subject)
HELLO FRIENDS. It's time for the early-bird round! Applications are still open, and will be open until 6AM EST. ♥
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. CLOSED! Ooooh you can close polls
Character: Death the Kid
Series: Soul Eater
Age: . . . teenaged!
Canon: Soul Eater is an anime/manga that follows three young meisters and the weapons that love them . . . as well as occasionally beat them with said love. Students of the Shinigami Technical School headed up by the Grim Reaper, the meisters fight with their weapon or weapons of choice - weapons capable of switching between a human form and a weapon form - in order to complete their class assignments, be they taking out threats to society, maintaining the peace, collecting certain types of souls, or simply increasing the weapon's power.
Death the Kid is, as his name would imply, the son of the Grim Reaper himself, Shinigami-sama. Kid (as his friends and family call him) appears to be a smooth operator of sorts, working as the meister of Patty and Liz Thompson. He's well-spoken if not a little on the disgruntled side at times, coming across for the most part as a "down to business" type with a side of bitchy. And while his attitude may seem high-and-mighty, he can be relatively down to earth, even bonding with the series' resident retard, Black*Star. All of this gets tossed to the wind, however, when it comes to his unnatural obsession with symmetry. In other words! Kid is the OCD boy wonder of his series. If he thinks the picture frame back home was tilted just a bit? Kid will worry about it constantly throughout a mission, even going as far to bail on a life or death situation to check on it.
Sample Post:
You have got to be kidding me.
Father had mentioned that there were some disturbances in a backwater area, but he somehow failed to mention how disturbing the area itself was. Damnit! He wants me to go after a creature with a penchant for necromancy, huh? If I were raising the dead, I would opt for somewhere much more appealing instead of a dump like this. After all, who would stay in a place so ridiculous that even the fingers in what they call "Tuesday's soup" aren't the same length?! One off by 1.5 centimeters. Another off by 2 centimeters. Who does that? Nevermind that the natives themselves are in a sorry state. Although from the looks of them and their various states of decay, it's likely that they are victims of that monster I'm searching for. Speaking with them and attempting to work with them could not hurt, I suppose, since our goals are probably the same.
Zombies of the city of Seefud, gather around and listen! I am unfortunately a bit short-handed without the assistance of my usual supporters here, which means I require your assistance- no, not literally. Very funny, Mr. Jan Dees. Put that back on your arm where it belongs. . . . although now that you mention it- hold it, you! Forget what I said about putting that back. Your hands- they don't match at all! This can't be acceptable at all. Switch it with your partner's right hand at once! And you over there! Can you really call yourself a zombie when your legs don't even match?! Your asymmetricality is absolutely disgusting. Have you no pride whatsoever? At the very least, you have a saving grace with your skin peeling exactly the same on both sides, but that hardly balances out the greater issue. Remedy your leg problem at once and trade one with the one next to you! . . . mmm, yes. That's much, much better. You should all be proud to stand on your own two symmetrical feet now!
Hmph. With that taken care of, let's get down to business. There's a criminal lurking around here that must be taken care of immediately - a necromancer, I was told. Seeing as you're obvious victims of such a monster, perhaps you would be able to lead me in the right direction, wouldn't you? . . . No, no, not towards the lake! What are you doing?! As if that marvelous creature in there could be anything like the monster we're seeking! Just look at her! Ahh, those beautiful tentacles, each complementing the other perfectly, an example of exquisite symmetry in nature! An excellent cephalopod indeed!
No, what we're looking for is something far more diabolical. Something more deceptive, more like- yes, yes, just like that creature over there!! Quickly, box it in and don't let it escape! . . . tch, there. Excellent work, the lot of you. Now see? You couldn't have trapped that criminal nearly as quickly if it weren't for your perfect symmetry, could you! -Ah, speaking of that, I'll take over from here. Alright, you. Somehow, you've managed to deceive everyone here for quite some time. But now? It's over - I'm here for your soul!
. . . And I won't take "kupo" for an answer, either.
Poll Vote!
Character: Maka Alban
Series: Soul Eater
Age: ~14
Canon: Soul Eater takes place in the aptly named Death City, where a school known as Shibusen gathers and trains humans capable of turning into weapons and the technicians who wield them in the fine art of taking evil souls. Shibusen may be all about training these kids to do good, but it's still an incredibly weird place; the teachers are zombies and mad scientists, the headmaster is the grim reaper himself, and detention usually involves a lot more than the students bargained for.
Maka is one such student. A technician paired with a boy capable of turning into a scyth named Soul, Maka's a friendly, if rather serious, girl who loves learning. Don't let that fool you, however--Maka may be a bookworm, but she's a formidable fighter (and the best strategist of the group) and capable of being just as much of an idiot as the rest of them. Determined, stubborn, and with little patience for idiots, but still a caring girl who won't let anyone get away with hurting her friends.
Sample post:
… right, I think we're almost ready to start. All we have to do now is wait for Soul to show up and we can launch our attack against the Director's advance guards. Remember that I'll charge in with Soul first and then you'll cover me from the rear--
--NOT LITERALLY, YOU PERVERTED MORON! Ugh, I'd kick your head off if I thought you were smart enough to find it again. Honestly, you are-hands down--the most perverted-no, really, put those hands down--zombie I have ever had to work with! And definitely the most annoying. I mean, giving me bunny ears once? Fine, whatever. At least it kept those birds laughing so hard they almost forgot to heckle us. But continuing to do it over and over? Was immature and disgusting. And don't even try to pretend it wasn't you! You left enough skin in my hair to make a full set of fingerprints.
I just don't get why you can't focus on the mission. At any moment the Director could choose to eat all the innocent souls she's gathered here and make herself an even bigger threat than she already is. And if you consider how many more souls she'd have available if she just waited another month or two, you'd get why our mission is so important! It's almost summer, after all, and who's going to see anything wrong with sending their kid to a camp where the biggest complaints are the strict rules and high camper retention rate?
And that's why we have to stop her now, before she devours more souls and becomes impossible to beat. It's going to be hard enough as is, since her soul is so powerful it looks like it's corrupting the entire area! I mean, how else do you explain stuff like the library? What should be nice building full of books about native wildlife and plants has been reduced to a place where the sign "In Louisiana Summer Camp, Learning Takes A Bite Out of You!" is the least threatening thing about it. I think the Encyclopedia Britannica still has one of my shoes. I'll never understand how someone like you, who seems to care so much about the mind, can just let that slide.
… you know, it really has been a long time. Listen, I'm going to look for Soul. I promise I'll be back as soon as I can, but do you think you'd be able to handle the guards on your own in case they attack while I'm gone? I know Sid-sensei said that you're a very together guy who almost never falls apart in the heat of battle, but I have this gnawing feeling that has almost nothing to do with your stupid attempts to chew on my hair that says I have to ask. So, what do you say?
… "they'll never take me alive" isn't a comforting answer, no.
Poll Vote!
Character: Devit (officially, but also romanized Debitto or David)
Series: D.Gray-man
Character Age: appears about 16
Canon: D.Gray-man? It's about Jesus clowns, weepy vampires, and badass lovely-legged ladies who fight crime together - but forget them for now. D.Gray-man, for our purposes, is the story of a jolly fat man, his evil plan to end the world, and the superhuman descendants of Noah who love him. Devit and Jasdero are a pair of rowdy, gun-toting punk twins who make up the two halves of the Noah Jasdevi. Assigned to track down General Cross Marian, they soon discover that the tricksy General moves quickly and leaves only wide trails of unpaid bills for hookers in his wake, passing his debt on to the twins. In reaction to suddenly owing $20,000 for sex they hadn't even had, the twins pissily smack around innocent exorcists with their special Wonder Twin Power: to produce out of thin air anything they both imagine, including illusions, fireball bullets, and even fully-powered clones.
He's not the brightest Noah on the Ark, but Devit is marginally the saner and more coherent of the twins, and he can even be friendly when the mood strikes him. Unfortunately, Devit is also dense, mean-spirited, selfish, childish, crybabyish, whiny, stubborn in his grudges, and quick to project his issues onto others. He is sadistically playful and takes very little in life seriously - even mentally comparing his opponents to manga heroes or accusing them of perving on him in the heat of battle - until someone makes him feel bad about himself. Anyone who mocks him is his immediate target, and his tone shifts from cocky, casual insulting to insecure, desperate threatening. But he's totally not immature, so shut up!!!
As a note, while Devit alone is his own character with a distinct voice and personality, he is only half of Jasdevi; he is extremely close to Jasdero and without him is mostly powerless, as both twins are needed to use their imaginative ability in battle. The poor kid doesn't even keep his gun loaded.
Sample Post:
Dammit, I said back off! See, that was a gun in my pocket, and I'm sure as hell not happy to see you. Now give it back before I do something you regret!
Yeah, that's what I thought! And just for the record, you're by far the ugliest hooker I've ever seen, and I've seen a lot. Why is it a whorehouse every damn time? If I see one more lace teddy I'm gonna break out in hives! Gyahaha, what, are you catering to an ugly fetish or something? Your clients are worse than pathetic if they have to pay for something anyone else could dig up out of the graveyard for free! Even the dead won't give it up for them! And even for a corpse, you're extra nasty. Forget learning to keep your legs together - you can't even keep them attached to your body! You call this place Camp Fuck You Die? Perfect! Anyone who'd ever want to fuck here should be dead. Luckily, I can help with that. ♪
So give me a hand... not on my ass, sicko, you'll stain the leather! I don't want any trouble, I'm just looking for a couple of guys. I know they've gotta be around, but this place is about as big as you all are useless, and I'm starting to run out of ideas. Operation Toucan Search Party was a bust - come on, they do it with dogs all the time, right? Animals have a sixth sense of smell like that. And birds can even fly, so they've got an advantage! But still this little feathered parasite I managed to leash is just leading me in circles like he thinks it's funny! Are you trying to mess with me or something, you deformed chicken? Maybe you can fly, but I've got thumbs, and in another two seconds I'm going to use them to snap your neck. So who's the birdbrain now? Didn't think I heard that, huh? Go roast in Hell with a side of cranberries!
Now wait up a second, falling-apart-hooker lady, unless you want to join him. Have you seen another guy around who looks kind of like me? It's important that I find him before either of us runs into any problems. Stupid Jasdero... why'd he have to wander off like that? I bet he's off crying somewhere already, whining about how weird it feels to be separated, all a-alone in a creepy necro place like this with touchy-feely weirdos and - s-stop staring, these are just sympathy tears! I'm demonstrating what that crybaby fool probably looks like right now! And I got some mascara in my eye, that's all! What do you think you're laughing at, bitch? You think I'm only half a man by myself? I'll kill you! I'm the taller one, you know, so I'm at least two-thirds of a Noah! And you don't wanna mess with two-thirds of a Noah! Something as pathetic as you won't even be any fun to kill, but I'll make an example of you anyway for all your disgusting monster friends to watch. Won't that be a nice game? Then you'll all see how "half a man" I am!
...Once Jasdevi is together again, that's when you'll pay. It's going to be any minute now, just you wait and see! Stupid freaky zombies, stupid toucans, stupid brothels. Ooh, you're really in for it. I can already see you all lined up on stakes like hooker kabobs, and we happen to have a really good imagination!
Poll Vote!
Character: The Collector Manikin
Series: Shin Megami Tensei III: Nocturne
Character Age: Unknown, but physically around the same age as the protagonist (who is in high school)
Canon: The apocalypse has come, the world is ready to be recreated, and demons rule the earth while striving to shape the future with the help of the very very few surviving humans. One of the groups who'd really like a say in this future is the "Manikins" -- a group of sentient, human-sized, walkin', talkin' dolls made out of river mud. Who... shake and spasm constantly in a way usually only seen in nightmares and horror movies. For a long time, the Manikins have been forced to serve demons as slaves who can be tortured to drain the tasty, tasty life energy from them. Only, since they're able to feel pain and aren't really that big on being tortured to death, a bunch of the Manikins escape and go into hiding. Eventually, after many trials, they began working on rebuilding a city where they can live freely.
One of these is a young male Manikin known as the Collector Manikin. A friendly and good-natured guy, he's well-liked, if considered slightly weird by his fellow Manikins. This is partly because of his tendency to talk to himself, but mostly due to his fascination with human "stuff". The Collector Manikin, see, collects human junk -- it's his great passion, and whether it's a "green portrait" (human money) or a broken-down Jeep, he either has it or wants it -- and if you can get it for him, his normally informal but polite speech is suddenly! Full of exclamation points!! Which is to say, it makes him really happy.
(Note: Apping him from the beginning of the construction at Asakusa as the peak of his development.)
Sample Post:
A camp... no doubt about it, that's a human settlement, all right. A real human settlement... old shoes! Buttons! Genuine replica watches! Cutlery!! I can't wait... I bet there's all sorts of human stuff just left lying around, not just human bodies like this one. Hmm... looks like his throat's been torn out, should I be worried for my health? Oh well -- that can wait! You know what they say, one man's trash is another man's treasure, and if this guy's dead, he's not going to miss his stu-- whoa, he moved!
My mistake, sir! I hadn't realized you were still alive. Actually, I'm not sure you are still alive... Still, dead or not, it was wrong of me to disturb you! No, no need to talk; I imagine that with that hole in your throat there it's a bit, uh ... difficult. But I'm pretty grateful. It was good of you to not attack me right off, with me searching you like that -- you seem nice. I bet you've got lots of friends, so let's get along...
--Er. No, really, I'm sure you do, and that you're very close to them, but there's no need to show me on the me where you touch them. Don't look so offended, I'm not scared of you, really, I always shake like this!
Ahaha, so, on second thought, I think I would prefer it if you talk, rather than try to communicate with body language. I'm sure I've got just the thing to fix your throat. Let's see, where is it, white sticky liquid -- glue! Did you know that humans have been using glue for around 50,000 years? Well, maybe you didn't, I'm sure even you aren't that old. Probably. Just let me apply it and I'm sure you'll be able to speak soon. I'm just glad to be able to help!
...That said, I am a collector of various things, so it'd be nice if you could give me something in return. Most human items will do, but I admit that ever since I got my first bill, I've been all aflutter for human money. Perhaps something in the local currency?
Yes? Oh, this is great! I mean, I've never even seen a real rape dollar before!
Poll Vote!
Character: Kilik
Series: Air Gear.
Character Age: Around 20-21.
Canon: Riddled with silly bird metaphors and illogical science, Air Gear is the series about a bunch of kids trying to achieve the impossible on motorized rollerblades called AT (Air Treck). It follows the story of Ikki as he follows his lifelong dream of achieving dominance over the sky, even if everyone thinks he’s just an idiot. And he is, but even so, he’s recruited into the world of Storm Riders, a world that, on the surface, seems to be a bunch of punks, but has an underlying history and political structure.
As the former leader of Sleeping Forest, Kilik and his group of Gravity Children friends created the AT world as it is now. Made up of several “Kings” (individuals who held superior AT called regalia), the group found itself in turmoil after Takeuchi Sora led a collective dissent against their leader. Learning of this action, Kilik crippled all of his friends to stop their actions, even if he didn’t want to, but he had to for the sake of his ideals. After all, even if he hurt people he loved, he believed he was doing the Right Thing. As a result, Kilik earned a reputation as a bit of a jackass; it doesn’t help that he’s the type of guy who stands around giving lofty and eloquent speeches while making it clear he has a ten-foot-pole up his ass. But he really wants the best for the world, and he really did love his friends and his twin sister. Unfortunately, he makes this hard to perceive given that he believes himself to be an Apostle meant to deliver a weighty message to the world, all the while breaking everything down into a scale of 100 points. If this Apostle declares that you have zero points, you better get running-or you won’t have much to run with once he catches you.
Sample Post:
After observing Camp Fuck You Die for some time, Director, I’ve found myself utterly disgusted with its current status. If the rampant rumors in your involvement of your fiancé’s death weren’t enough to push me toward some necessary investigation of your practices, your camp is a haven for disaster. I should say that I prefer a peaceful coexistence ... but with the current atmosphere that seems impossible. As I’m sure you’re aware, the following concerns are only part of a whole. To best rank your performance, I’ve given you 100 points to start. I assume you can grasp the gravity of the situation if you reach zero. If you dare to show yourself then.
My first critique addresses the trees in camp. Many of them have normal structures with trees and branches … however, there are two that stood out. One held a number of undergarments ranging from lingerie to boxers. This array of options is quite useful given the state campers arrive in. The other tree, however, revealed your blatant mockery of the lifestyles of the campers, as I have found that even the faintest proclivity for sex will earn the campers a humiliating punishment. But this tree offered latex condoms to the wandering camper, teasing their internal suppressed desires. Your taunting reveals how antagonistic you truly are! Minus 15 points for your cruelty.
I find that you have a further problem with clarity, Director. Campers are not given explanations when they arrive, and they are forced to follow inadequate signs to explore the area. The worst of the signs said, “Welcome to the Game,” followed immediately by a toucan declaring my loss of this apparent game! What game, Director? How can I lose a game? How many points? You should be glad that I do not take all your points away, because I don’t know what guidelines are necessary to losing this game. In this camp, games lack guidelines and I can’t lose without knowing them. Therefore, you’ve lost another 15 points!
Finally, building this camp near a volcano leads me to believe you are up to nefarious deeds. You watch as the camp proceeds with life knowing, with a maniacal laugh, that everything will go just as planned. If you are truly as I suspect, you involved a volcano to somehow make it active once more to petrify your campers. Maliciousness like this is unacceptable! It would not surprise me if the rumored underground labs are in there … there must be devices maintaining the isolationist atmosphere. The combined probabilities give this world a future of ruin! You lose another 40 points for this.
As you can see, Director, after three critiques of this terrain, I extracted 70 points. My suggestion to you is to cease and desist, or I will once again become an Apostle and bring you to justice. And I assure you that your immature display of “gender-changing” shall not thwart me in my efforts. These breasts will not deter me!
Poll Vote!
Character: Ryan Evans
Series: High School
Musical
Character Age: 17 (taken from after the second movie)
Canon: Disney's inexplicably popular High School
Musical is the somewhat incoherent story of a basketball star and a
science nerd who just want to be in a musical. The even more
incoherent sequel continues their story, but with less being in a
musical and more being at a country club. But who cares if it's more
incoherent, it also has more Ryan Evans.
In a world populated only by basic stereotypes, Ryan is the gay one.
Okay, that's not fair. Ryan is the one who loves musical theater,
hangs out only with his sister, and painstakingly coordinates his
jaunty hats with his pastel slacks. Make of that what you will. Ryan
and his sister are the antagonists of the first movie, in as much as
anyone trying to keep Zac Efron from singing can really be in the
wrong. In the second movie, however, his role is expanded--instead of
just being his sister's dim-witted sidekick, Ryan allies himself with
his fellow students and becomes their dance teacher and friend. In
both films, Ryan is shown to be something of a follower, someone who
likes attention and usually gets it from his twin. He gains some
degree of independence and backbone, however, and shows himself to be
fully capable of plotting and scheming on his own. It's almost like
he's a multi-dimensional human being.
When he's not being a snarky, fabulous thespian, Ryan enjoys yoga,
dancing, and homoerotic baseball games that end with him switching
clothes with another guy. As one does.
Sample Post:
All right, great job, gorillas! Gronk, your foxtrot is really
improving. Give yourself a pat on the back. Now, zombies, it's your
turn. The scene: Brian, a normal human boy, has found himself in the
middle of a deserted summer camp, full of the undead. You guys are on
backup. And a five, six, seven, eight!
Ooooooh~
Used to be afraid,
Of zombies and of ghosts,
Never would have stayed,
Thought you were bad ho-oosts~
But now that I came here,
Now the terror wanes
I'm free of all my fear
You just want me for my braaaaaaaaains~~~
Cuz I'm at zombie caaamp
(At camp, at camp)
Ready to get busy
(Biz-ay, biz)--
Stop, stop! You guys could learn a thing or two from the gorillas.
What was that? Mwaar, backup only works if you're in a key humans can
hear. And that dance? It's a jazz square, not a
jazz...seizure! And you, Graugh, you were supposed to come in on
"camp"--you completely left me hanging! You're lucky my sister talked
her way out of helping out, because I don't know what she'd do to you
if she saw this.
Look, I know not everyone is lucky enough to have starred in seventeen
school productions, but we open in a week, and we need to be ready. Go
practice on your own--I want to see you waltzing with the gorillas
flawlessly before dinner. Anyone who does gets an extra helping of
the soup. In fact, anyone who does can have my helping. No,
no, don't thank me. Just dance. I know you can.
All right, Ryan, you can do this. They're trying very hard, they're
very enthusiastic. And it's for the college applications. Colleges
want to see well-balanced, civic-minded young men who serve the
community. Just because the community is called Camp Eff You Die and
it's already been suspended once doesn't mean that Juilliard won't see
you for the selfless human being you are. And the fact that you're
working with very convincing undead? They have to realize the
kind of sacrifice that is. As if the hygienic concerns of being in a
swamp weren't bad enough, now I have to worry about getting greasy
make up on me. I can't afford to break out right now.
Right, find your center. Deep breaths. Remember the benefits.
There's a hot spring here. And a nice hotel. I don't have to stay in
a drafty cabin. Maybe I'm being punk'd, and Ashton will show up! And
even if I'm not, mother would never send me anywhere where I wasn't
completely safe. I'm sure she found the classiest
undead-musical-themed camp in all of Louisiana. She wants nothing but
the best for me.
--Yes, what is it, Graugh? I told you I need privacy for my yoga.
Oh, you're ready to try again! Then let's take it from the top. A
five, six, sev--wait, wait, Mwaar, you need to kick your leg out for
the beginning conga. Just kick it right--oh god. Did you just kick
it off? Are you lepers too?
I. I think I'm getting the vapors.
Poll Vote!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. CLOSED! Ooooh you can close polls
Character: Death the Kid
Series: Soul Eater
Age: . . . teenaged!
Canon: Soul Eater is an anime/manga that follows three young meisters and the weapons that love them . . . as well as occasionally beat them with said love. Students of the Shinigami Technical School headed up by the Grim Reaper, the meisters fight with their weapon or weapons of choice - weapons capable of switching between a human form and a weapon form - in order to complete their class assignments, be they taking out threats to society, maintaining the peace, collecting certain types of souls, or simply increasing the weapon's power.
Death the Kid is, as his name would imply, the son of the Grim Reaper himself, Shinigami-sama. Kid (as his friends and family call him) appears to be a smooth operator of sorts, working as the meister of Patty and Liz Thompson. He's well-spoken if not a little on the disgruntled side at times, coming across for the most part as a "down to business" type with a side of bitchy. And while his attitude may seem high-and-mighty, he can be relatively down to earth, even bonding with the series' resident retard, Black*Star. All of this gets tossed to the wind, however, when it comes to his unnatural obsession with symmetry. In other words! Kid is the OCD boy wonder of his series. If he thinks the picture frame back home was tilted just a bit? Kid will worry about it constantly throughout a mission, even going as far to bail on a life or death situation to check on it.
Sample Post:
You have got to be kidding me.
Father had mentioned that there were some disturbances in a backwater area, but he somehow failed to mention how disturbing the area itself was. Damnit! He wants me to go after a creature with a penchant for necromancy, huh? If I were raising the dead, I would opt for somewhere much more appealing instead of a dump like this. After all, who would stay in a place so ridiculous that even the fingers in what they call "Tuesday's soup" aren't the same length?! One off by 1.5 centimeters. Another off by 2 centimeters. Who does that? Nevermind that the natives themselves are in a sorry state. Although from the looks of them and their various states of decay, it's likely that they are victims of that monster I'm searching for. Speaking with them and attempting to work with them could not hurt, I suppose, since our goals are probably the same.
Zombies of the city of Seefud, gather around and listen! I am unfortunately a bit short-handed without the assistance of my usual supporters here, which means I require your assistance- no, not literally. Very funny, Mr. Jan Dees. Put that back on your arm where it belongs. . . . although now that you mention it- hold it, you! Forget what I said about putting that back. Your hands- they don't match at all! This can't be acceptable at all. Switch it with your partner's right hand at once! And you over there! Can you really call yourself a zombie when your legs don't even match?! Your asymmetricality is absolutely disgusting. Have you no pride whatsoever? At the very least, you have a saving grace with your skin peeling exactly the same on both sides, but that hardly balances out the greater issue. Remedy your leg problem at once and trade one with the one next to you! . . . mmm, yes. That's much, much better. You should all be proud to stand on your own two symmetrical feet now!
Hmph. With that taken care of, let's get down to business. There's a criminal lurking around here that must be taken care of immediately - a necromancer, I was told. Seeing as you're obvious victims of such a monster, perhaps you would be able to lead me in the right direction, wouldn't you? . . . No, no, not towards the lake! What are you doing?! As if that marvelous creature in there could be anything like the monster we're seeking! Just look at her! Ahh, those beautiful tentacles, each complementing the other perfectly, an example of exquisite symmetry in nature! An excellent cephalopod indeed!
No, what we're looking for is something far more diabolical. Something more deceptive, more like- yes, yes, just like that creature over there!! Quickly, box it in and don't let it escape! . . . tch, there. Excellent work, the lot of you. Now see? You couldn't have trapped that criminal nearly as quickly if it weren't for your perfect symmetry, could you! -Ah, speaking of that, I'll take over from here. Alright, you. Somehow, you've managed to deceive everyone here for quite some time. But now? It's over - I'm here for your soul!
. . . And I won't take "kupo" for an answer, either.
Poll Vote!
Character: Maka Alban
Series: Soul Eater
Age: ~14
Canon: Soul Eater takes place in the aptly named Death City, where a school known as Shibusen gathers and trains humans capable of turning into weapons and the technicians who wield them in the fine art of taking evil souls. Shibusen may be all about training these kids to do good, but it's still an incredibly weird place; the teachers are zombies and mad scientists, the headmaster is the grim reaper himself, and detention usually involves a lot more than the students bargained for.
Maka is one such student. A technician paired with a boy capable of turning into a scyth named Soul, Maka's a friendly, if rather serious, girl who loves learning. Don't let that fool you, however--Maka may be a bookworm, but she's a formidable fighter (and the best strategist of the group) and capable of being just as much of an idiot as the rest of them. Determined, stubborn, and with little patience for idiots, but still a caring girl who won't let anyone get away with hurting her friends.
Sample post:
… right, I think we're almost ready to start. All we have to do now is wait for Soul to show up and we can launch our attack against the Director's advance guards. Remember that I'll charge in with Soul first and then you'll cover me from the rear--
--NOT LITERALLY, YOU PERVERTED MORON! Ugh, I'd kick your head off if I thought you were smart enough to find it again. Honestly, you are-hands down--the most perverted-no, really, put those hands down--zombie I have ever had to work with! And definitely the most annoying. I mean, giving me bunny ears once? Fine, whatever. At least it kept those birds laughing so hard they almost forgot to heckle us. But continuing to do it over and over? Was immature and disgusting. And don't even try to pretend it wasn't you! You left enough skin in my hair to make a full set of fingerprints.
I just don't get why you can't focus on the mission. At any moment the Director could choose to eat all the innocent souls she's gathered here and make herself an even bigger threat than she already is. And if you consider how many more souls she'd have available if she just waited another month or two, you'd get why our mission is so important! It's almost summer, after all, and who's going to see anything wrong with sending their kid to a camp where the biggest complaints are the strict rules and high camper retention rate?
And that's why we have to stop her now, before she devours more souls and becomes impossible to beat. It's going to be hard enough as is, since her soul is so powerful it looks like it's corrupting the entire area! I mean, how else do you explain stuff like the library? What should be nice building full of books about native wildlife and plants has been reduced to a place where the sign "In Louisiana Summer Camp, Learning Takes A Bite Out of You!" is the least threatening thing about it. I think the Encyclopedia Britannica still has one of my shoes. I'll never understand how someone like you, who seems to care so much about the mind, can just let that slide.
… you know, it really has been a long time. Listen, I'm going to look for Soul. I promise I'll be back as soon as I can, but do you think you'd be able to handle the guards on your own in case they attack while I'm gone? I know Sid-sensei said that you're a very together guy who almost never falls apart in the heat of battle, but I have this gnawing feeling that has almost nothing to do with your stupid attempts to chew on my hair that says I have to ask. So, what do you say?
… "they'll never take me alive" isn't a comforting answer, no.
Poll Vote!
Character: Devit (officially, but also romanized Debitto or David)
Series: D.Gray-man
Character Age: appears about 16
Canon: D.Gray-man? It's about Jesus clowns, weepy vampires, and badass lovely-legged ladies who fight crime together - but forget them for now. D.Gray-man, for our purposes, is the story of a jolly fat man, his evil plan to end the world, and the superhuman descendants of Noah who love him. Devit and Jasdero are a pair of rowdy, gun-toting punk twins who make up the two halves of the Noah Jasdevi. Assigned to track down General Cross Marian, they soon discover that the tricksy General moves quickly and leaves only wide trails of unpaid bills for hookers in his wake, passing his debt on to the twins. In reaction to suddenly owing $20,000 for sex they hadn't even had, the twins pissily smack around innocent exorcists with their special Wonder Twin Power: to produce out of thin air anything they both imagine, including illusions, fireball bullets, and even fully-powered clones.
He's not the brightest Noah on the Ark, but Devit is marginally the saner and more coherent of the twins, and he can even be friendly when the mood strikes him. Unfortunately, Devit is also dense, mean-spirited, selfish, childish, crybabyish, whiny, stubborn in his grudges, and quick to project his issues onto others. He is sadistically playful and takes very little in life seriously - even mentally comparing his opponents to manga heroes or accusing them of perving on him in the heat of battle - until someone makes him feel bad about himself. Anyone who mocks him is his immediate target, and his tone shifts from cocky, casual insulting to insecure, desperate threatening. But he's totally not immature, so shut up!!!
As a note, while Devit alone is his own character with a distinct voice and personality, he is only half of Jasdevi; he is extremely close to Jasdero and without him is mostly powerless, as both twins are needed to use their imaginative ability in battle. The poor kid doesn't even keep his gun loaded.
Sample Post:
Dammit, I said back off! See, that was a gun in my pocket, and I'm sure as hell not happy to see you. Now give it back before I do something you regret!
Yeah, that's what I thought! And just for the record, you're by far the ugliest hooker I've ever seen, and I've seen a lot. Why is it a whorehouse every damn time? If I see one more lace teddy I'm gonna break out in hives! Gyahaha, what, are you catering to an ugly fetish or something? Your clients are worse than pathetic if they have to pay for something anyone else could dig up out of the graveyard for free! Even the dead won't give it up for them! And even for a corpse, you're extra nasty. Forget learning to keep your legs together - you can't even keep them attached to your body! You call this place Camp Fuck You Die? Perfect! Anyone who'd ever want to fuck here should be dead. Luckily, I can help with that. ♪
So give me a hand... not on my ass, sicko, you'll stain the leather! I don't want any trouble, I'm just looking for a couple of guys. I know they've gotta be around, but this place is about as big as you all are useless, and I'm starting to run out of ideas. Operation Toucan Search Party was a bust - come on, they do it with dogs all the time, right? Animals have a sixth sense of smell like that. And birds can even fly, so they've got an advantage! But still this little feathered parasite I managed to leash is just leading me in circles like he thinks it's funny! Are you trying to mess with me or something, you deformed chicken? Maybe you can fly, but I've got thumbs, and in another two seconds I'm going to use them to snap your neck. So who's the birdbrain now? Didn't think I heard that, huh? Go roast in Hell with a side of cranberries!
Now wait up a second, falling-apart-hooker lady, unless you want to join him. Have you seen another guy around who looks kind of like me? It's important that I find him before either of us runs into any problems. Stupid Jasdero... why'd he have to wander off like that? I bet he's off crying somewhere already, whining about how weird it feels to be separated, all a-alone in a creepy necro place like this with touchy-feely weirdos and - s-stop staring, these are just sympathy tears! I'm demonstrating what that crybaby fool probably looks like right now! And I got some mascara in my eye, that's all! What do you think you're laughing at, bitch? You think I'm only half a man by myself? I'll kill you! I'm the taller one, you know, so I'm at least two-thirds of a Noah! And you don't wanna mess with two-thirds of a Noah! Something as pathetic as you won't even be any fun to kill, but I'll make an example of you anyway for all your disgusting monster friends to watch. Won't that be a nice game? Then you'll all see how "half a man" I am!
...Once Jasdevi is together again, that's when you'll pay. It's going to be any minute now, just you wait and see! Stupid freaky zombies, stupid toucans, stupid brothels. Ooh, you're really in for it. I can already see you all lined up on stakes like hooker kabobs, and we happen to have a really good imagination!
Poll Vote!
Character: The Collector Manikin
Series: Shin Megami Tensei III: Nocturne
Character Age: Unknown, but physically around the same age as the protagonist (who is in high school)
Canon: The apocalypse has come, the world is ready to be recreated, and demons rule the earth while striving to shape the future with the help of the very very few surviving humans. One of the groups who'd really like a say in this future is the "Manikins" -- a group of sentient, human-sized, walkin', talkin' dolls made out of river mud. Who... shake and spasm constantly in a way usually only seen in nightmares and horror movies. For a long time, the Manikins have been forced to serve demons as slaves who can be tortured to drain the tasty, tasty life energy from them. Only, since they're able to feel pain and aren't really that big on being tortured to death, a bunch of the Manikins escape and go into hiding. Eventually, after many trials, they began working on rebuilding a city where they can live freely.
One of these is a young male Manikin known as the Collector Manikin. A friendly and good-natured guy, he's well-liked, if considered slightly weird by his fellow Manikins. This is partly because of his tendency to talk to himself, but mostly due to his fascination with human "stuff". The Collector Manikin, see, collects human junk -- it's his great passion, and whether it's a "green portrait" (human money) or a broken-down Jeep, he either has it or wants it -- and if you can get it for him, his normally informal but polite speech is suddenly! Full of exclamation points!! Which is to say, it makes him really happy.
(Note: Apping him from the beginning of the construction at Asakusa as the peak of his development.)
Sample Post:
A camp... no doubt about it, that's a human settlement, all right. A real human settlement... old shoes! Buttons! Genuine replica watches! Cutlery!! I can't wait... I bet there's all sorts of human stuff just left lying around, not just human bodies like this one. Hmm... looks like his throat's been torn out, should I be worried for my health? Oh well -- that can wait! You know what they say, one man's trash is another man's treasure, and if this guy's dead, he's not going to miss his stu-- whoa, he moved!
My mistake, sir! I hadn't realized you were still alive. Actually, I'm not sure you are still alive... Still, dead or not, it was wrong of me to disturb you! No, no need to talk; I imagine that with that hole in your throat there it's a bit, uh ... difficult. But I'm pretty grateful. It was good of you to not attack me right off, with me searching you like that -- you seem nice. I bet you've got lots of friends, so let's get along...
--Er. No, really, I'm sure you do, and that you're very close to them, but there's no need to show me on the me where you touch them. Don't look so offended, I'm not scared of you, really, I always shake like this!
Ahaha, so, on second thought, I think I would prefer it if you talk, rather than try to communicate with body language. I'm sure I've got just the thing to fix your throat. Let's see, where is it, white sticky liquid -- glue! Did you know that humans have been using glue for around 50,000 years? Well, maybe you didn't, I'm sure even you aren't that old. Probably. Just let me apply it and I'm sure you'll be able to speak soon. I'm just glad to be able to help!
...That said, I am a collector of various things, so it'd be nice if you could give me something in return. Most human items will do, but I admit that ever since I got my first bill, I've been all aflutter for human money. Perhaps something in the local currency?
Yes? Oh, this is great! I mean, I've never even seen a real rape dollar before!
Poll Vote!
Character: Kilik
Series: Air Gear.
Character Age: Around 20-21.
Canon: Riddled with silly bird metaphors and illogical science, Air Gear is the series about a bunch of kids trying to achieve the impossible on motorized rollerblades called AT (Air Treck). It follows the story of Ikki as he follows his lifelong dream of achieving dominance over the sky, even if everyone thinks he’s just an idiot. And he is, but even so, he’s recruited into the world of Storm Riders, a world that, on the surface, seems to be a bunch of punks, but has an underlying history and political structure.
As the former leader of Sleeping Forest, Kilik and his group of Gravity Children friends created the AT world as it is now. Made up of several “Kings” (individuals who held superior AT called regalia), the group found itself in turmoil after Takeuchi Sora led a collective dissent against their leader. Learning of this action, Kilik crippled all of his friends to stop their actions, even if he didn’t want to, but he had to for the sake of his ideals. After all, even if he hurt people he loved, he believed he was doing the Right Thing. As a result, Kilik earned a reputation as a bit of a jackass; it doesn’t help that he’s the type of guy who stands around giving lofty and eloquent speeches while making it clear he has a ten-foot-pole up his ass. But he really wants the best for the world, and he really did love his friends and his twin sister. Unfortunately, he makes this hard to perceive given that he believes himself to be an Apostle meant to deliver a weighty message to the world, all the while breaking everything down into a scale of 100 points. If this Apostle declares that you have zero points, you better get running-or you won’t have much to run with once he catches you.
Sample Post:
After observing Camp Fuck You Die for some time, Director, I’ve found myself utterly disgusted with its current status. If the rampant rumors in your involvement of your fiancé’s death weren’t enough to push me toward some necessary investigation of your practices, your camp is a haven for disaster. I should say that I prefer a peaceful coexistence ... but with the current atmosphere that seems impossible. As I’m sure you’re aware, the following concerns are only part of a whole. To best rank your performance, I’ve given you 100 points to start. I assume you can grasp the gravity of the situation if you reach zero. If you dare to show yourself then.
My first critique addresses the trees in camp. Many of them have normal structures with trees and branches … however, there are two that stood out. One held a number of undergarments ranging from lingerie to boxers. This array of options is quite useful given the state campers arrive in. The other tree, however, revealed your blatant mockery of the lifestyles of the campers, as I have found that even the faintest proclivity for sex will earn the campers a humiliating punishment. But this tree offered latex condoms to the wandering camper, teasing their internal suppressed desires. Your taunting reveals how antagonistic you truly are! Minus 15 points for your cruelty.
I find that you have a further problem with clarity, Director. Campers are not given explanations when they arrive, and they are forced to follow inadequate signs to explore the area. The worst of the signs said, “Welcome to the Game,” followed immediately by a toucan declaring my loss of this apparent game! What game, Director? How can I lose a game? How many points? You should be glad that I do not take all your points away, because I don’t know what guidelines are necessary to losing this game. In this camp, games lack guidelines and I can’t lose without knowing them. Therefore, you’ve lost another 15 points!
Finally, building this camp near a volcano leads me to believe you are up to nefarious deeds. You watch as the camp proceeds with life knowing, with a maniacal laugh, that everything will go just as planned. If you are truly as I suspect, you involved a volcano to somehow make it active once more to petrify your campers. Maliciousness like this is unacceptable! It would not surprise me if the rumored underground labs are in there … there must be devices maintaining the isolationist atmosphere. The combined probabilities give this world a future of ruin! You lose another 40 points for this.
As you can see, Director, after three critiques of this terrain, I extracted 70 points. My suggestion to you is to cease and desist, or I will once again become an Apostle and bring you to justice. And I assure you that your immature display of “gender-changing” shall not thwart me in my efforts. These breasts will not deter me!
Poll Vote!
Character: Ryan Evans
Series: High School
Musical
Character Age: 17 (taken from after the second movie)
Canon: Disney's inexplicably popular High School
Musical is the somewhat incoherent story of a basketball star and a
science nerd who just want to be in a musical. The even more
incoherent sequel continues their story, but with less being in a
musical and more being at a country club. But who cares if it's more
incoherent, it also has more Ryan Evans.
In a world populated only by basic stereotypes, Ryan is the gay one.
Okay, that's not fair. Ryan is the one who loves musical theater,
hangs out only with his sister, and painstakingly coordinates his
jaunty hats with his pastel slacks. Make of that what you will. Ryan
and his sister are the antagonists of the first movie, in as much as
anyone trying to keep Zac Efron from singing can really be in the
wrong. In the second movie, however, his role is expanded--instead of
just being his sister's dim-witted sidekick, Ryan allies himself with
his fellow students and becomes their dance teacher and friend. In
both films, Ryan is shown to be something of a follower, someone who
likes attention and usually gets it from his twin. He gains some
degree of independence and backbone, however, and shows himself to be
fully capable of plotting and scheming on his own. It's almost like
he's a multi-dimensional human being.
When he's not being a snarky, fabulous thespian, Ryan enjoys yoga,
dancing, and homoerotic baseball games that end with him switching
clothes with another guy. As one does.
Sample Post:
All right, great job, gorillas! Gronk, your foxtrot is really
improving. Give yourself a pat on the back. Now, zombies, it's your
turn. The scene: Brian, a normal human boy, has found himself in the
middle of a deserted summer camp, full of the undead. You guys are on
backup. And a five, six, seven, eight!
Ooooooh~
Used to be afraid,
Of zombies and of ghosts,
Never would have stayed,
Thought you were bad ho-oosts~
But now that I came here,
Now the terror wanes
I'm free of all my fear
You just want me for my braaaaaaaaains~~~
Cuz I'm at zombie caaamp
(At camp, at camp)
Ready to get busy
(Biz-ay, biz)--
Stop, stop! You guys could learn a thing or two from the gorillas.
What was that? Mwaar, backup only works if you're in a key humans can
hear. And that dance? It's a jazz square, not a
jazz...seizure! And you, Graugh, you were supposed to come in on
"camp"--you completely left me hanging! You're lucky my sister talked
her way out of helping out, because I don't know what she'd do to you
if she saw this.
Look, I know not everyone is lucky enough to have starred in seventeen
school productions, but we open in a week, and we need to be ready. Go
practice on your own--I want to see you waltzing with the gorillas
flawlessly before dinner. Anyone who does gets an extra helping of
the soup. In fact, anyone who does can have my helping. No,
no, don't thank me. Just dance. I know you can.
All right, Ryan, you can do this. They're trying very hard, they're
very enthusiastic. And it's for the college applications. Colleges
want to see well-balanced, civic-minded young men who serve the
community. Just because the community is called Camp Eff You Die and
it's already been suspended once doesn't mean that Juilliard won't see
you for the selfless human being you are. And the fact that you're
working with very convincing undead? They have to realize the
kind of sacrifice that is. As if the hygienic concerns of being in a
swamp weren't bad enough, now I have to worry about getting greasy
make up on me. I can't afford to break out right now.
Right, find your center. Deep breaths. Remember the benefits.
There's a hot spring here. And a nice hotel. I don't have to stay in
a drafty cabin. Maybe I'm being punk'd, and Ashton will show up! And
even if I'm not, mother would never send me anywhere where I wasn't
completely safe. I'm sure she found the classiest
undead-musical-themed camp in all of Louisiana. She wants nothing but
the best for me.
--Yes, what is it, Graugh? I told you I need privacy for my yoga.
Oh, you're ready to try again! Then let's take it from the top. A
five, six, sev--wait, wait, Mwaar, you need to kick your leg out for
the beginning conga. Just kick it right--oh god. Did you just kick
it off? Are you lepers too?
I. I think I'm getting the vapors.
Poll Vote!