(no subject)
RIGHT COMM THIS TIME
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
- why am I awake
VOTE pool is closed after, ah. twelve hours.
Character: Tsunetsuki Matoi
Series: Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei
Age: 16-17
Canon: Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei is the deeply inspiring
story of Itoshiki Nozomu, a chronically depressed, suicidal high
school teacher and how he copes with everyday life. Hint: He doesn't.
Instead he goes on long monologues about how this world has left him
in despair and tries to convince everyone in his surroundings that
life is simply not worth living.
As if this weren't enough, Itoshiki's students are all nutcases: a
returnee with MPD, a girl with a tail fetish, an otaku... and the list
just keeps on going. Amongst these very unique snowflakes, we find one
Tsunetsuki Matoi -- a girl who easily falls in and out of love with
anyone she finds remotely interesting. The problem is that when she's
got her eyes on someone, she becomes an obsessive freak who not only
adopts the looks and mannerism of the other person (in order to appeal
to them more), but finds herself with the desperate urge to always
know what the object of her affection is doing, no matter the place or
time. She'll text them, call them, write to them, bug their place, and
follow them everywhere. To put it bluntly, she is a crazy stalker who
doesn't know the meaning of 'personal space'.
But don't ever call her that, for she will fiercely deny it. After
all, showing up under Sensei's desk in the middle of class and staring
meaningfully is just another way to demonstrate her ~*deep love*~ for
him.
Sample Post:
I can't help it, I'm hopeless when I fall in love! At first I thought
following Sensei to his overseas seminar would be a great opportunity
to spend time together, but as soon as we got off the plane he
disappeared mysteriously and I couldn't find him again no matter how
hard I tried! I searched for bodies floating in the lake and nooses
hanging from the trees, but came up with nothing, not even a fresh
pool of blood that would lead me to him. I was devastated; being by
myself in a foreign country, and with no way to know what Sensei was
up to! My tears, they wouldn't stop flowing.
But it was then to my surprise, that I received a comforting helping
hand from a mysterious gentleman! He must have been very shy though,
because the moment I held his hand between mine he instantly ran away,
leaving this delicate, green part of himself behind! So I searched all
across the encampment for the owner of this hand -- the hand that had
saved me from a life full of sorrow. It was like a fairy tale with the
roles inverted! Fortunately, it didn't take long for me to find my
brave prince; when I saw he was wandering aimlessly and moaning in
despair, I knew he had been looking for me as well. But oh, I couldn't
appear before him in this state... with our appearances being so
different, it just wouldn't be right.
So I have been following him for the past eight hours, taking
photographs of him, picking up every single nail and tooth he leaves
behind, and learning all about his customs and the things he likes --
I think I am ready to be his unlife companion. Isn't it romantic? I
used to think dying together with someone was the ultimate proof of
love, but I know better now. Sharing a meal of human brains with that
fated someone, then drooling tenderly all over each other is
definitely what true love should be like!
Oh, can't you see? You belong to me! How my poor heart aches with
every limb you... shed. But if that's what I must do to prove my
feelings for you, then it's all right! These are the true extents of
my deep love for you, so please, look at me! Watch as I submerge
myself into this toxic swamp; in this way, my skin will decay
faster... And then, like you, I will also be able to pull my hands off
and caress your beautiful rotting body with them for eternity.
Soon, my dear Ngaargh, we shall be reunited in the afterlife!
Poll So?
Character: Fletcher Tringham
Series: Fullmetal Alchemist (anime series)
Character Age: Not given; about ten years old.
Canon: In a universe where almost everyone is an orphan, has parent emo, or both, exist Russel and Fletcher Tringham, orphans with parent emo. They're introduced in the series as the fake Elric brothers, using the names of Edward and Alphonse Elric to finish their father's life's work on the Philosopher's Stone, and are both alchemists specializing in the transmutation of plants.
Fletcher is the calmer, more sensible of the two brothers. While Russel was heavily buried in their immoral research, Fletcher saw that they were doing the wrong things for the wrong reasons; however, he was too shy and nervous to say anything. Even after Alphonse helped him gain some courage, he remained somewhat of a doormat, quietly sitting by as Russel used Ed's name for less dubious purposes, such as purchasing books. Fletcher's also very book-smart, being an accomplished alchemist at his young age, but is sheltered by Russel from much of the world's harshness.
The app's references to Russel are made with permission from his player.
Sample Post:
Messrs. Edward and Alphonse Elric, you are cordially invited to attend the grand opening of the C. Fudai Botanical Garden--
That's what the letter said, but we're not Edward and Alphonse... I know Brother said it was okay, but it still doesn't seem right. I hope we can find whoever's in charge and explain. Even so, I hope we get a chance to look around; this is a really fascinating place; does it qualify as a garden, though? Most of it looks more like a swamp, though I did see a greenhouse back a little ways. And the plants here are really incredible, but, well... they're weird. A giant Venus flytrap tried to eat me! I just barely managed to get away; I tried to control it with alchemy, but I think that just made it more angry... Do they belong to somebody? They couldn't have grown on their own...
If somebody has been growing these, though, they don't seem well-cared for. If that one was so hungry it tried to eat a person, the others are probably the same way, which means they're not getting enough nutrients. Brother, I think we should take some soil and leaf samples and figure out how to make the plants healthier. A-and... and if the main source of water is that lake there, that makes it worse. That isn't a good color for water, and it can't be healthy for the plants to be absorbing something like that, plus it probably contaminates the rainwater when it evaporates, and... oh, there's got to be some way we can protect the plants.
H-hey! I'm trying to help you here, there's no reason to snap at me like that. Look, let me transmute your roots to help you absorb more nitrogen from the ground. --hey, that's not nice! Okay, if you're just going to try to eat me every time I go near you, I guess I can't help you out, even though I want to. I'll come back later and see if there's something I can do when you're in a better mood, all right?
Hnn... oh, that's right, we should clear up the issue of our names first. If it was really Al and Edward who were supposed to be invited, we might not have a chance to stay and help out. I don't want to go home right away...
...wait...
No, it must be my imagination. There's no way the plants can be laughing at me.
Poll So?
Character: Tiffany Aching
Series: Discworld
Character Age: 13
Canon: Tiffany grew up on a sheep farm where she was most
valued for her ability to make cheese and babysit. That is, until it
turned out that Tiffany was a witch. It is a witch's job to know
things and be sensible, which Tiffany can usually manage or at least
fake. She has a great knack for remaining calm in the face of terrible
and strange danger. Doing the same with people can be another matter.
Tiffany is a smart, nosy, practical girl who thinks all the time.
She's very helpful and has a strong sense of right and wrong. She's
also very stubborn and sometimes prone to anger and sulking, but
that's typical of witches (not to mention 13-year-old girls).
Note: Tiffany is followed around by a group of tiny blue thieving men
called Nac Mac Feegles. They aid her in getting out of trouble when
they're not busy getting into trouble themselves.
Sample post:
There. All done. Try to go easy on the stitching or it won't last.
That's all right. It was a very useful anatomy lesson.
No, not that kind. Um. I am a witch, and a witch knows these
things. It's actually not supposed to look like that.
Sorry. It's the size. And the shape. And the number. I'm afraid I
couldn't find everything. I wouldn't worry about it, the Djelibeybian
god of the underworld had the same problem. In fact, Nanny says that
gods often have trouble keeping track of their "nethers". Gods must
fall to pieces quite often, which puts you in good company.
Still, you'd think your witch would take better care of you. Do you
know where she is?
She's in 'Brains'? Oh, that's all you can say. Well, the place
could've been called that. It'd be no stranger than 'Bad Ass', and get
a lot fewer snickers from the tourists.
Could you at least point me to a town? Thank you.
...I suppose I should've said a human town. Hello? Is anyone here?
These mushroom houses are just like the ones in my fairy book,
but not one little person in a tutu. Someone must be doing all
that singing. You could at least come up with better lyrics than "la
laa la la la la".
Oh, it's you Feegles. You didn't chase the fairies off, did you? Even
if the houses are empty, you can't move in, they must belong to
someone. And no stealing. Don't think I don't see you hiding those
little hats behind your backs. Daft Wullie, what are you
wearing? I'm almost certain that wig doesn't belong to you.
Well, for one, blond really isn't your color.
Poll So?
Character: Kyouichi Saionji
Series: Revolutionary Girl Utena
Character Age: 17
Canon: Do you enjoy making dramatic speeches in shadowy elevators to the ominous sounds of organ music? Are spinning roses, phallic towers, and gratuitous symbolism your idea of the perfect surroundings? Have you ever wanted to pull a sword out of someone's chest and have secret duels for the ultimate goal of revolutionizing the world? If you answered yes to all of these questions, then the Ohtori Academy Student Council may be right for you!
Saionji is the vice president of this illustrious group, and an excellent example of what happens when a giant ego and an inferiority complex meet. His personality can be summed up with reasonable accuracy by the time-honored phrase "tried so hard and got so far but in the end it didn't even matter," or, alternatively, "bitchy uke." Years of playing second fiddle to his best friend have left him bitter, angry, and prone to fits of melodrama. However, somewhere, buried underneath layers and layers of dickery and moodiness, there is a fabulous dork who really wants to be a chivalrous, handsome prince (if only to prove that he can). He's just... very bad at it. In his spare time, Saionji enjoys midnight egg-frying sessions in the woods, drawing sparkling fanart of himself, and indiscriminately backhanding people.
[Note: Much in the manner of a twelve-year-old girl, Saionji keeps an exchange diary with the Rose Bride, Anthy. The terrible art? Is canon.]
Sample Post:
My dearest Anthy,
Barely have I left the halls of Ohtori Academy, and already our separation begins to cast a dark shadow across my heart. It seems as though it was only yesterday that I left you, when in truth it was... well, I suppose if one factors in time spent in transit, and the fifteen hours that must be subtracted for-- oh, damn you, International Date Line! Mocking me by standing in the way of poetic metaphors -- why must you be a thorn in my side?!
. . . But never mind that; I suppose I can be gracious enough to put a small matter of semantics aside (for now). As promised, I have begun to chronicle my time here; thus, when I return, it shall be as though we never parted.
I should begin by enlightening you in regards to the circumstances I have been thrust into. There is a certain ambiance about this place... something I can't quite put a name to. "Unnatural," I think, is an apt way of describing it. (I realize that there are, periodically, minor difficulties in fully processing the written word -- so when you imagine me saying unnatural, I want you to imagine me saying it with all of the disdain I can possibly muster. Which is a lot.) I am referring, of course, to having our orders handed down to us from mysterious unseen people in power, along with the utterly pointless rules that we're meant to follow unquestioningly. With the laws of physics being more like guidelines, people swapping bodies left and right, and purple simians who seem to have it out for me... well. The saying goes, "there's no place like home," but aside from the architecture, I can't tell much of a difference.
I must admit, however... I never imagined that I would miss the scent of roses so much. Even the sweet-smelling fruit of the lemon meringue pie that blooms year-round in the shrubbery here could never compare. Ah, and speaking of flora, I am suddenly reminded of something that I must attend to; while I hate to cut this correspondence short, I have to see a man about a "love flower." Wish me well... my thoughts are with you!
xoxoxo,
Kyouichi Saionji
P.S. Enclosed, you shall find my rendering of my imminent victory against the beast that dwells in the lake. Although even artwork as immaculate as my own pales in comparison to the spectacle that this will surely be, I trust your imagination to fill in the rest of the details.
Poll So?
Character: Oliver "Ozzer" Perks
Series: Discworld
(book: Monstrous Regiment)
Character Age: about 18
Canon: In the century of the Anchovy, war was beginning.
Actually, war has already been around for quite some time in one form
or another, and no country on the Disc is more invested in keeping it
that way than Borogravia, a country so aggressive that they have their
own word for "The Sun Has Risen, Let's Make War!" Not even the
systematic destruction of their land, their backwards way of life,
their religion (with a god who randomly Abominates something every few
days, it's hard to keep the faith), and their sons has kept the
Borogravians from fighting absolutely everybody.
Fortunately for the army, it's just acquired a new recruit. Young
Oliver Perks has all the makings of a fine soldier: he's canny,
levelheaded, and just a little manipulative, but only because he's
smart enough to know that a keen mind is only an asset if you keep it
well hidden from your enemy and your commanding officer. His time
working in a local bar has given him insight into the minds of his
fellow countrymen, and the secrets in his past give him more than
enough reason to fight for his rights.
The only problem is that Ozzer doesn't really want to be a soldier. So
far his time in the army has been a series of misadventures and lucky
breaks, but the truth is that however tenacious he may be, he's flying
by the seat of his pants. He's tried to keep his dissenting opinions
to himself, but really he just wants to find his brother, go home, and
take off his socks. Especially the pair stuffed down the front of his
pants... because Oliver is actually a gutsy barmaid named
Polly.
That's right, keep running! Cowards. I'll take you on together, I'll
fight you with both your hands tied behind your backs! ...and thank
goodness they were gone before that slipped out. Don't think
they were smart enough to know that's not how a challenge to unarmed
combat's supposed to go, but shouting after them when I'm d-damn lucky
they started fighting amongst themselves... Well. It must be the socks
talking.
Okay, what's the first thing you do when you're split off from your
squad in the middle of a mission? Get back to it, obviously, but
that's probably a lot easier to do when you haven't just been ambushed
by a bunch of yellow-livered, ugly, mangy- Wait. They were probably on
my side. Borogravia, where the uniforms look worse before they've been
shot at. And the men inside them... "not long for this world" pretty
much describes us all, I guess, but I can still smell the rot.
Let's see what they left behind. A welcome banner? That's a new one.
"Welcome to Camp Fuck You Die." Surprisingly honest for a piece of
army propaganda. I wouldn't want to be taken to their leader, that's
for sure. Sounds like quite the realis- ah, er. Pessimist, that is. A
gentleman who took his moral and stuck it where the sun don't shine,
you might say. Then again, maybe he was just interrupted in the middle
of dictation. Welcome to Camp... whatever it was going to be. It
happened to the town of Blooming Hell, You Just Dropped The Key to the
City on My Toe, You Plonker.
And these look like religious tracts. Huh. It's rare to see those
these days especially outside of a privy. I'm guessing
these must be the newest Abominations. Suppose it wouldn't hurt to
read them.
I see. 'No sex'? Well, he had already abominated babies. It'll be
people's equipment next, I suspect, and good luck getting them to fry
that sausage up. 'No tampon'... everybody's going to claim
they'd already turned their tamp off, whatever it's supposed to be.
'No sugar'-! Now just a minute. All we've got is watery milk
with a lot of sugar and just a pinch of tea. Take that away from us
and this army's going to be marching on its intestinal juices. Which,
come to think of if, is exactly what those poor devils who surprised
me earlier looked like they were trying to do. Especially the one who
was walking around on his arms. Oh no.
My fellow countrymen, just because god told you no intimate relations
and no sugar is no reason to throw away your. Um. Teabags. You may
need them again someday!
Poll So?
Character: Luke Smith
Series: The Sarah Jane Adventures, spin-off from Doctor Who.
Character Age: In appearance, 13. In actuality… a few months.
Canon: The Sarah Jane Adventures is what you get when you take a former Doctor Who companion, give her some sonic lipstick, MILF status, add a few kids and shake well. Luke Smith is one of those kids - Sarah Jane's adopted one, at that. See, dear Luke was created in a lab by a bunch of aliens who wanted to Take Over The WorldTM and all that jazz. They made him out of the thoughts, memories, wishes, etc. of ... well, everyone.
Aside from being the anthropomorphic representation of a Jungian collective memory, Luke is one smart cookie - academically, at least. Being given life at thirteen tends to create complete social retards, and he's a particularly special one, earning a Masters in honest naivetè by accidentally telling aliens how to destroy the world. Luke's the sort of kid who can recite the periodic table backwards, INCLUDING those ones they stick at the bottom, but who needs to be told that kissing your mother goodbye on the first day of school is just not the done thing. When you spend your spare time helping Mum and her computer (the sentient Mr. Smith) save the world from alien invasion, however, social skills are more or less optional.
Sample Entry
Wow, that was rather an exciting trip! I've felt something like it before - not exactly the same, but I'd have to say that there was definitely an element of spacio-temporal movement involved. It didn't feel quite quantum though. Of course, there has to be some kind of physics involved, just not quantum. I think I'll have to get Mr. Smith onto that.
Hang on. I don't think I'm in Ealing anymore. Ealing has far fewer decaying specimens of Homo sapiens, for one thing, and I've also never seen a lake on Bannerman Road before. Have I been transported? Well, that would certainly explain the spacio-temporal shift! I wonder if there's some kind of alien invasion going on. It would certainly explain the tentacular specimen emerging from the lake, although I can't identify the species from this distance. In fact, I don't think its something we've encountered before at all. Completely new! How rad is that?
Oh, the tentacles are bobbing erratically! Is that supposed to be laughter? Did I say something funny? Excuse me, sir, would it be alright if you tell me what you thought was funny? I need some practice, you see. I know it'll be difficult to communicate, but if we adopt a binary to bobbing conversion, something may get through? Perhaps later, though, as just for the present I'll need to get a sample to take home with me for further analysis - if you're dangerous, Mum will need to know so that we can work out what to do. Now, if I time my approach exactly right and calculate the most effective algorithmic pathway of energy usage, then I should be able to reach the lake without being touched ... they don't really look that quick, so here goes everything.
Oh golly. I'm terribly sorry, er, ma'am. Was that a very bad social miscalculation?
Poll So?
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
- why am I awake
VOTE pool is closed after, ah. twelve hours.
Character: Tsunetsuki Matoi
Series: Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei
Age: 16-17
Canon: Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei is the deeply inspiring
story of Itoshiki Nozomu, a chronically depressed, suicidal high
school teacher and how he copes with everyday life. Hint: He doesn't.
Instead he goes on long monologues about how this world has left him
in despair and tries to convince everyone in his surroundings that
life is simply not worth living.
As if this weren't enough, Itoshiki's students are all nutcases: a
returnee with MPD, a girl with a tail fetish, an otaku... and the list
just keeps on going. Amongst these very unique snowflakes, we find one
Tsunetsuki Matoi -- a girl who easily falls in and out of love with
anyone she finds remotely interesting. The problem is that when she's
got her eyes on someone, she becomes an obsessive freak who not only
adopts the looks and mannerism of the other person (in order to appeal
to them more), but finds herself with the desperate urge to always
know what the object of her affection is doing, no matter the place or
time. She'll text them, call them, write to them, bug their place, and
follow them everywhere. To put it bluntly, she is a crazy stalker who
doesn't know the meaning of 'personal space'.
But don't ever call her that, for she will fiercely deny it. After
all, showing up under Sensei's desk in the middle of class and staring
meaningfully is just another way to demonstrate her ~*deep love*~ for
him.
Sample Post:
I can't help it, I'm hopeless when I fall in love! At first I thought
following Sensei to his overseas seminar would be a great opportunity
to spend time together, but as soon as we got off the plane he
disappeared mysteriously and I couldn't find him again no matter how
hard I tried! I searched for bodies floating in the lake and nooses
hanging from the trees, but came up with nothing, not even a fresh
pool of blood that would lead me to him. I was devastated; being by
myself in a foreign country, and with no way to know what Sensei was
up to! My tears, they wouldn't stop flowing.
But it was then to my surprise, that I received a comforting helping
hand from a mysterious gentleman! He must have been very shy though,
because the moment I held his hand between mine he instantly ran away,
leaving this delicate, green part of himself behind! So I searched all
across the encampment for the owner of this hand -- the hand that had
saved me from a life full of sorrow. It was like a fairy tale with the
roles inverted! Fortunately, it didn't take long for me to find my
brave prince; when I saw he was wandering aimlessly and moaning in
despair, I knew he had been looking for me as well. But oh, I couldn't
appear before him in this state... with our appearances being so
different, it just wouldn't be right.
So I have been following him for the past eight hours, taking
photographs of him, picking up every single nail and tooth he leaves
behind, and learning all about his customs and the things he likes --
I think I am ready to be his unlife companion. Isn't it romantic? I
used to think dying together with someone was the ultimate proof of
love, but I know better now. Sharing a meal of human brains with that
fated someone, then drooling tenderly all over each other is
definitely what true love should be like!
Oh, can't you see? You belong to me! How my poor heart aches with
every limb you... shed. But if that's what I must do to prove my
feelings for you, then it's all right! These are the true extents of
my deep love for you, so please, look at me! Watch as I submerge
myself into this toxic swamp; in this way, my skin will decay
faster... And then, like you, I will also be able to pull my hands off
and caress your beautiful rotting body with them for eternity.
Soon, my dear Ngaargh, we shall be reunited in the afterlife!
Poll So?
Character: Fletcher Tringham
Series: Fullmetal Alchemist (anime series)
Character Age: Not given; about ten years old.
Canon: In a universe where almost everyone is an orphan, has parent emo, or both, exist Russel and Fletcher Tringham, orphans with parent emo. They're introduced in the series as the fake Elric brothers, using the names of Edward and Alphonse Elric to finish their father's life's work on the Philosopher's Stone, and are both alchemists specializing in the transmutation of plants.
Fletcher is the calmer, more sensible of the two brothers. While Russel was heavily buried in their immoral research, Fletcher saw that they were doing the wrong things for the wrong reasons; however, he was too shy and nervous to say anything. Even after Alphonse helped him gain some courage, he remained somewhat of a doormat, quietly sitting by as Russel used Ed's name for less dubious purposes, such as purchasing books. Fletcher's also very book-smart, being an accomplished alchemist at his young age, but is sheltered by Russel from much of the world's harshness.
The app's references to Russel are made with permission from his player.
Sample Post:
Messrs. Edward and Alphonse Elric, you are cordially invited to attend the grand opening of the C. Fudai Botanical Garden--
That's what the letter said, but we're not Edward and Alphonse... I know Brother said it was okay, but it still doesn't seem right. I hope we can find whoever's in charge and explain. Even so, I hope we get a chance to look around; this is a really fascinating place; does it qualify as a garden, though? Most of it looks more like a swamp, though I did see a greenhouse back a little ways. And the plants here are really incredible, but, well... they're weird. A giant Venus flytrap tried to eat me! I just barely managed to get away; I tried to control it with alchemy, but I think that just made it more angry... Do they belong to somebody? They couldn't have grown on their own...
If somebody has been growing these, though, they don't seem well-cared for. If that one was so hungry it tried to eat a person, the others are probably the same way, which means they're not getting enough nutrients. Brother, I think we should take some soil and leaf samples and figure out how to make the plants healthier. A-and... and if the main source of water is that lake there, that makes it worse. That isn't a good color for water, and it can't be healthy for the plants to be absorbing something like that, plus it probably contaminates the rainwater when it evaporates, and... oh, there's got to be some way we can protect the plants.
H-hey! I'm trying to help you here, there's no reason to snap at me like that. Look, let me transmute your roots to help you absorb more nitrogen from the ground. --hey, that's not nice! Okay, if you're just going to try to eat me every time I go near you, I guess I can't help you out, even though I want to. I'll come back later and see if there's something I can do when you're in a better mood, all right?
Hnn... oh, that's right, we should clear up the issue of our names first. If it was really Al and Edward who were supposed to be invited, we might not have a chance to stay and help out. I don't want to go home right away...
...wait...
No, it must be my imagination. There's no way the plants can be laughing at me.
Poll So?
Character: Tiffany Aching
Series: Discworld
Character Age: 13
Canon: Tiffany grew up on a sheep farm where she was most
valued for her ability to make cheese and babysit. That is, until it
turned out that Tiffany was a witch. It is a witch's job to know
things and be sensible, which Tiffany can usually manage or at least
fake. She has a great knack for remaining calm in the face of terrible
and strange danger. Doing the same with people can be another matter.
Tiffany is a smart, nosy, practical girl who thinks all the time.
She's very helpful and has a strong sense of right and wrong. She's
also very stubborn and sometimes prone to anger and sulking, but
that's typical of witches (not to mention 13-year-old girls).
Note: Tiffany is followed around by a group of tiny blue thieving men
called Nac Mac Feegles. They aid her in getting out of trouble when
they're not busy getting into trouble themselves.
Sample post:
There. All done. Try to go easy on the stitching or it won't last.
That's all right. It was a very useful anatomy lesson.
No, not that kind. Um. I am a witch, and a witch knows these
things. It's actually not supposed to look like that.
Sorry. It's the size. And the shape. And the number. I'm afraid I
couldn't find everything. I wouldn't worry about it, the Djelibeybian
god of the underworld had the same problem. In fact, Nanny says that
gods often have trouble keeping track of their "nethers". Gods must
fall to pieces quite often, which puts you in good company.
Still, you'd think your witch would take better care of you. Do you
know where she is?
She's in 'Brains'? Oh, that's all you can say. Well, the place
could've been called that. It'd be no stranger than 'Bad Ass', and get
a lot fewer snickers from the tourists.
Could you at least point me to a town? Thank you.
...I suppose I should've said a human town. Hello? Is anyone here?
These mushroom houses are just like the ones in my fairy book,
but not one little person in a tutu. Someone must be doing all
that singing. You could at least come up with better lyrics than "la
laa la la la la".
Oh, it's you Feegles. You didn't chase the fairies off, did you? Even
if the houses are empty, you can't move in, they must belong to
someone. And no stealing. Don't think I don't see you hiding those
little hats behind your backs. Daft Wullie, what are you
wearing? I'm almost certain that wig doesn't belong to you.
Well, for one, blond really isn't your color.
Poll So?
Character: Kyouichi Saionji
Series: Revolutionary Girl Utena
Character Age: 17
Canon: Do you enjoy making dramatic speeches in shadowy elevators to the ominous sounds of organ music? Are spinning roses, phallic towers, and gratuitous symbolism your idea of the perfect surroundings? Have you ever wanted to pull a sword out of someone's chest and have secret duels for the ultimate goal of revolutionizing the world? If you answered yes to all of these questions, then the Ohtori Academy Student Council may be right for you!
Saionji is the vice president of this illustrious group, and an excellent example of what happens when a giant ego and an inferiority complex meet. His personality can be summed up with reasonable accuracy by the time-honored phrase "tried so hard and got so far but in the end it didn't even matter," or, alternatively, "bitchy uke." Years of playing second fiddle to his best friend have left him bitter, angry, and prone to fits of melodrama. However, somewhere, buried underneath layers and layers of dickery and moodiness, there is a fabulous dork who really wants to be a chivalrous, handsome prince (if only to prove that he can). He's just... very bad at it. In his spare time, Saionji enjoys midnight egg-frying sessions in the woods, drawing sparkling fanart of himself, and indiscriminately backhanding people.
[Note: Much in the manner of a twelve-year-old girl, Saionji keeps an exchange diary with the Rose Bride, Anthy. The terrible art? Is canon.]
Sample Post:
My dearest Anthy,
Barely have I left the halls of Ohtori Academy, and already our separation begins to cast a dark shadow across my heart. It seems as though it was only yesterday that I left you, when in truth it was... well, I suppose if one factors in time spent in transit, and the fifteen hours that must be subtracted for-- oh, damn you, International Date Line! Mocking me by standing in the way of poetic metaphors -- why must you be a thorn in my side?!
. . . But never mind that; I suppose I can be gracious enough to put a small matter of semantics aside (for now). As promised, I have begun to chronicle my time here; thus, when I return, it shall be as though we never parted.
I should begin by enlightening you in regards to the circumstances I have been thrust into. There is a certain ambiance about this place... something I can't quite put a name to. "Unnatural," I think, is an apt way of describing it. (I realize that there are, periodically, minor difficulties in fully processing the written word -- so when you imagine me saying unnatural, I want you to imagine me saying it with all of the disdain I can possibly muster. Which is a lot.) I am referring, of course, to having our orders handed down to us from mysterious unseen people in power, along with the utterly pointless rules that we're meant to follow unquestioningly. With the laws of physics being more like guidelines, people swapping bodies left and right, and purple simians who seem to have it out for me... well. The saying goes, "there's no place like home," but aside from the architecture, I can't tell much of a difference.
I must admit, however... I never imagined that I would miss the scent of roses so much. Even the sweet-smelling fruit of the lemon meringue pie that blooms year-round in the shrubbery here could never compare. Ah, and speaking of flora, I am suddenly reminded of something that I must attend to; while I hate to cut this correspondence short, I have to see a man about a "love flower." Wish me well... my thoughts are with you!
xoxoxo,
Kyouichi Saionji
P.S. Enclosed, you shall find my rendering of my imminent victory against the beast that dwells in the lake. Although even artwork as immaculate as my own pales in comparison to the spectacle that this will surely be, I trust your imagination to fill in the rest of the details.
Poll So?
Character: Oliver "Ozzer" Perks
Series: Discworld
(book: Monstrous Regiment)
Character Age: about 18
Canon: In the century of the Anchovy, war was beginning.
Actually, war has already been around for quite some time in one form
or another, and no country on the Disc is more invested in keeping it
that way than Borogravia, a country so aggressive that they have their
own word for "The Sun Has Risen, Let's Make War!" Not even the
systematic destruction of their land, their backwards way of life,
their religion (with a god who randomly Abominates something every few
days, it's hard to keep the faith), and their sons has kept the
Borogravians from fighting absolutely everybody.
Fortunately for the army, it's just acquired a new recruit. Young
Oliver Perks has all the makings of a fine soldier: he's canny,
levelheaded, and just a little manipulative, but only because he's
smart enough to know that a keen mind is only an asset if you keep it
well hidden from your enemy and your commanding officer. His time
working in a local bar has given him insight into the minds of his
fellow countrymen, and the secrets in his past give him more than
enough reason to fight for his rights.
The only problem is that Ozzer doesn't really want to be a soldier. So
far his time in the army has been a series of misadventures and lucky
breaks, but the truth is that however tenacious he may be, he's flying
by the seat of his pants. He's tried to keep his dissenting opinions
to himself, but really he just wants to find his brother, go home, and
take off his socks. Especially the pair stuffed down the front of his
pants... because Oliver is actually a gutsy barmaid named
Polly.
That's right, keep running! Cowards. I'll take you on together, I'll
fight you with both your hands tied behind your backs! ...and thank
goodness they were gone before that slipped out. Don't think
they were smart enough to know that's not how a challenge to unarmed
combat's supposed to go, but shouting after them when I'm d-damn lucky
they started fighting amongst themselves... Well. It must be the socks
talking.
Okay, what's the first thing you do when you're split off from your
squad in the middle of a mission? Get back to it, obviously, but
that's probably a lot easier to do when you haven't just been ambushed
by a bunch of yellow-livered, ugly, mangy- Wait. They were probably on
my side. Borogravia, where the uniforms look worse before they've been
shot at. And the men inside them... "not long for this world" pretty
much describes us all, I guess, but I can still smell the rot.
Let's see what they left behind. A welcome banner? That's a new one.
"Welcome to Camp Fuck You Die." Surprisingly honest for a piece of
army propaganda. I wouldn't want to be taken to their leader, that's
for sure. Sounds like quite the realis- ah, er. Pessimist, that is. A
gentleman who took his moral and stuck it where the sun don't shine,
you might say. Then again, maybe he was just interrupted in the middle
of dictation. Welcome to Camp... whatever it was going to be. It
happened to the town of Blooming Hell, You Just Dropped The Key to the
City on My Toe, You Plonker.
And these look like religious tracts. Huh. It's rare to see those
these days especially outside of a privy. I'm guessing
these must be the newest Abominations. Suppose it wouldn't hurt to
read them.
I see. 'No sex'? Well, he had already abominated babies. It'll be
people's equipment next, I suspect, and good luck getting them to fry
that sausage up. 'No tampon'... everybody's going to claim
they'd already turned their tamp off, whatever it's supposed to be.
'No sugar'-! Now just a minute. All we've got is watery milk
with a lot of sugar and just a pinch of tea. Take that away from us
and this army's going to be marching on its intestinal juices. Which,
come to think of if, is exactly what those poor devils who surprised
me earlier looked like they were trying to do. Especially the one who
was walking around on his arms. Oh no.
My fellow countrymen, just because god told you no intimate relations
and no sugar is no reason to throw away your. Um. Teabags. You may
need them again someday!
Poll So?
Character: Luke Smith
Series: The Sarah Jane Adventures, spin-off from Doctor Who.
Character Age: In appearance, 13. In actuality… a few months.
Canon: The Sarah Jane Adventures is what you get when you take a former Doctor Who companion, give her some sonic lipstick, MILF status, add a few kids and shake well. Luke Smith is one of those kids - Sarah Jane's adopted one, at that. See, dear Luke was created in a lab by a bunch of aliens who wanted to Take Over The WorldTM and all that jazz. They made him out of the thoughts, memories, wishes, etc. of ... well, everyone.
Aside from being the anthropomorphic representation of a Jungian collective memory, Luke is one smart cookie - academically, at least. Being given life at thirteen tends to create complete social retards, and he's a particularly special one, earning a Masters in honest naivetè by accidentally telling aliens how to destroy the world. Luke's the sort of kid who can recite the periodic table backwards, INCLUDING those ones they stick at the bottom, but who needs to be told that kissing your mother goodbye on the first day of school is just not the done thing. When you spend your spare time helping Mum and her computer (the sentient Mr. Smith) save the world from alien invasion, however, social skills are more or less optional.
Sample Entry
Wow, that was rather an exciting trip! I've felt something like it before - not exactly the same, but I'd have to say that there was definitely an element of spacio-temporal movement involved. It didn't feel quite quantum though. Of course, there has to be some kind of physics involved, just not quantum. I think I'll have to get Mr. Smith onto that.
Hang on. I don't think I'm in Ealing anymore. Ealing has far fewer decaying specimens of Homo sapiens, for one thing, and I've also never seen a lake on Bannerman Road before. Have I been transported? Well, that would certainly explain the spacio-temporal shift! I wonder if there's some kind of alien invasion going on. It would certainly explain the tentacular specimen emerging from the lake, although I can't identify the species from this distance. In fact, I don't think its something we've encountered before at all. Completely new! How rad is that?
Oh, the tentacles are bobbing erratically! Is that supposed to be laughter? Did I say something funny? Excuse me, sir, would it be alright if you tell me what you thought was funny? I need some practice, you see. I know it'll be difficult to communicate, but if we adopt a binary to bobbing conversion, something may get through? Perhaps later, though, as just for the present I'll need to get a sample to take home with me for further analysis - if you're dangerous, Mum will need to know so that we can work out what to do. Now, if I time my approach exactly right and calculate the most effective algorithmic pathway of energy usage, then I should be able to reach the lake without being touched ... they don't really look that quick, so here goes everything.
Oh golly. I'm terribly sorry, er, ma'am. Was that a very bad social miscalculation?
Poll So?