(no subject)
HAY GUYS. So. You know how we have a lot of pirate apps? Yah. We have more. we also have quite a lot of Ocean's Apps. As in double double!
Therefore, we are putting up a SPECIALTY ROUND (Remember these?) since there's even more spoilers with some of these. \o/ I'll put up a good mix when my other round is closed. MY OTHER GROUP IS SITLL OPEN SO VOTE AWAY.
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. POOL'S CLOSED
Character: Davy Jones
Series: Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy
Age: Old and crusty!
Job: The Care and Keeping of Marcy (see also: That Guy Who Feeds The Tentacle Monster)
Canon: Are you a brave sea-faring soul? Do you live in the seventeenth century? Do you fear death? If the answer to any of those questions is yes, congratulations! You are a likely candidate for Davy Jones' crew. Welcome aboard the Flying Dutchman, where men are part fish and death is on a one hundred year hiatus. Still, the work is hard, but the benefit of being on the side of the man with the most deadly ship on the seas? Is most definitely a plus.
Jones is cold, heartless, far too wordy in his speech and fairly polite, if the situation allows. At other times, he's raging, violent, and more than happy to take any opportunity to crush young love in his crabby claw. When he's not playing sad, emo songs on his organ, he's chillin' like a villain and preparing for his next move. Sometimes this move might involve his favorite of all sea creatures, the mighty Kraken. It's a huge, not-so-mythological beast, known far and wide for its tentacles, its destructive capability, and having eaten Jack Sparrow that one time. One can only hope it didn't get indigestion. All in all, Jones is just an emo squid what needs to cheer up.
Sample App:
The whole lot of ye here I'll find responsible for this most cruel and heinous act against the one being what can't take arms for itself. Now who among you could be so cold and cruel as to make so lovely a creature to suffer? Were it any other place on the sea, and I'd see to it you found yourself rewarded.
But no, you had to arrive at this most sacred of all places to every man on that sea, and what have you done? To shirk your duties is a crime punishable by worse than you dared let yourself imagine. Or did you perhaps think that no one on Earth would find out that none amongst you had any skill or reason at all to be left alive?
To think that a half-witted group of inexperienced louts would be the first in a hundred years to step foot on such sacred soil. The mating grounds of the kraken, and you've soiled it all! And what was it about her that made ye decide to let her rot away to a near nothing? I know a beautiful sea creature when my eyes are upon one, you forsaken mongrel lot, so don't start harboring ideas of pleas your inhumane righteousness. Oh, no, she won't be listening to your kind anymore. This is my purpose, is it not?
That's correct. It's Davy Jones time.
Now I will thank ye to have your crew removed from my sight at once. Foraging for some fleck of attention or intelligence, and you take me for a fool who would retain the infidels? Surely if I had one to spare, it would break my heart. And you'll think twice before spouting that shanty again, boy. I've no need for one.
There's only one man who I'll be needing for this half-thought out agenda that dares pass itself off as occupation. And the first to bring forth Sparrow to the lovely Marcy's nest can be spared the slow and tortuous death queued for everyone else.
Poll Vote!
Character: Joshamee Gibbs
Series: Pirates of the Caribbean
Character Age: old!
Job: Provider of the Exposition
Canon: The Pirates of the Caribbean movie trilogy is a trio of movies based on a hokey old pirate-themed ride at Disneyland, but with more swaggering, drinking and tentacle rape ("appendages you didn't know you wanted in your facial cavities").
Mr. Gibbs, while not one of the supah sexay top billing characters, is integral to the movies and the audience in that he provides exposition on demand. Need to know that enigmatic pirate's backstory? Mr. Gibbs knows it. Want to know about some supernatural phenomenon connected to the plot? Mr. Gibbs can tell you! Got a strange desire to know just how tonight's dinner was caught and prepared by that silent, gruff old cook with one arm and three fingers? Mr. Gibbs will sigh deeply and tell you everything you didn't want to know about what you just ate. He's just that good.
Trips to the department of backstory aside, Mr. Gibbs is also a good sailor and salty old pirate in his own right, often serving as Captain Jack Sparrow's first mate and possibly his closest friend...ish. Prone to superstition (he's especially fearful of that one about women and boats), Mr. Gibbs will randomly show up at your side with his ever-ready flask of rum and a warning to give or a story to tell - the truth of that story, of course, is up to him. He has a sense of the dramatic and somewhat of a penchant for stretching stories out and exaggerating details.
Sample Post:
Aye, steady the boat, that's a good lad - keep a weather eye on the horizon and mind the boat. You, boy - you be a boy, right? Not hidin' any petticoats under them Oriental robes, are ye- don't open them, boy, a simple "nay" will do! Bad luck havin' a woman on board a ship, never say I didn't tell ye otherwise - and it's even worse luck takin' one on a quest with ye, believe me! Nothin' worse than bein' lost with a pistol empty o' bullets, a bottle empty o' rum, and a woman full o' voice, that's what I say. Especially if she's a woman full o' weaponry, too, but that's another story altogether...
Watch yer step, now - these be bogs we be trekking through, full of the worst slop even the angels on high won't touch. They say the Good Lord created the world in six days, but on that seventh day he was restin', Hell took the opportunity to spit out the worst of its sludge and created this here swamp. With every damnable breath it could offer, it cursed the land and named it on that same day: the Lost Swamp of Seafud.
Many have told the tales, but few have claimed to live them...they say an old witch lives here in these swamps, hidden away where nary a soul can find her while she watches and tortures any who cross her path and enter her land. Some claim she was once naught but a woman, who loved as fiercely as a woman could - and hated even more fiercely when that love was lost, taken from her by the cruel hand of Death himself. She closed herself from the outside world, shut away her heart and even her soul until all that was left was a woman of naught more than cold malice. She lashed out, taking prisoners as she saw fit and trapping them in this cursed bog...
Aye, best to tread lightly, lad - there be danger lurking at every turn and tortures nigh unimaginable at every curve. Jus' the thought of them makes me dry with the thirst only mother courage can quench...'scuse me a moment, boys, while this old seadog wets his lips, eh?
...............blast it, I told ye these lands be cursed! Empty flask on a dangerous mission, that's a bad omen right there...
Poll Vote!
Character: Calypso (Tia Dalma)
Series: Pirates of the Caribbean
Character Age: Ageless (the ocean)
Job: Absolute Destiny Liaison, Dispenser of Unsettling Certainties and Dubiously Useful Advice (Fortune Teller)
Canon: Calypso, referred to as "Tia Dalma" by most of the characters in the series, is the goddess of the sea. Not much is known about her past, but somewhere along the line she got romantically involved with a certain ship's captain named Davy Jones. She assigned him the task of ferrying the souls of those who died at sea to the other world for ten years, at which point she would be waiting for him on land. Except, when the ten years were up, she wasn't there. Davy Jones reacted by cutting out his heart and selling the information about how to trap Calypso into a human form to the Brethren Court. Oops. In order to free herself, she resurrects Barbossa so that he can convince the Court to undo her bonds. He does so, hoping that she will help the pirates win the fight against the East India Trading Company. No such luck, as she dumps thousands of crabs on his ship instead.
When she appears as a human, Calypso is something of a voodoo priestess with a heavy Jamaican accent. She sells advice and assistance for a price, and seems to be able to see the future in some cases. Her demeanor among humans is usually amused and playful, but she holds rage at the pirates who imprisoned her and is bitter about the repercussions of Davy Jones' abandoning his task. The extent of her power is not known, but with the whole of the oceans back under her control, it's not something the pirates can afford to ignore.
Sample Post:
Ah, you! I can see de hurts dat you 'ave suffered in your past, as de reincarnation of a once powerful soul. You fear dat you can not succeed where did 'e, and will be unable to complete the task that 'as been set before you. For if you do not, you-- oh. No, pay no attention to dat, it was him next to you dat I was talking about. Destiny is also strong in 'im, you see. But your place as de key to de dark is no small t'ing either. It is in you dat de fate of your world will be decided, and de deat' of your family will come to 'ave a purpose. For dey--
...no, it was not just 'er next to you. It was bot' of dem. It is not usual, for a place to 'ave so many dat destiny 'as touched. But you 'ave paid, and you will get what is owed for your payment.
Dere is great turmoil in your future, but den a battle wit' one who 'as more of a connection with fate dan you will turn your path. You will see de trut' in de healing strike of a fist, and your taste in partners shall turn as well, to dose of your own...
No, dere is no mistake. It merely seems dat we need to move elsewhere, to a place where dere is no interference by dose around you.
Well, no matter, as it remains true - you have a touch of destiny about you. A lot of touches, in some very significant places.
Here, right here, I will show you on dis doll where destiny did touch you.
Poll Vote!
Name: Daniel Ocean
Series: Ocean's Thirteen
Age:38
Job: Poker Teacher
Canon: The Ocean's trilogy (11, 12, 13) is about Danny Ocean and his band of thieves who steal from the overly rich and donate to... themselves. Sure they're not the modern Robin Hood and his Band of Merry Men, but they still steal the hearts of the audience with their wit and humor. Ocean's Thirteen is about the original band of Eleven, with the addition of Terry Benedict (The Sheriff of Nottingham) who get back at a rival Hotel owner. After all, you cross one Ocean, you cross them all. They encounter problems and old French enemies along the way, but they take all troubles in stride, overcoming them with team brainpower and wit.
Daniel Ocean is the mastermind (or co-mastermind) of all the heists in each movie, and one of the more mature and rational members of the group. Slightly out of touch with currently trends, Danny still pretends to know what people talk about. After all, as co-mastermind, he should know what a magnetron is. Danny often banters with fellow thief Rusty, showing off his dry wit and slight-deadpan humor. While Danny is one of the more serious members of the group, he doesn't mind joking or bantering with others. Just don't ask him for his age. He doesn't look 50, right?
Sample post:
When they told me it was the world's most impenetrable security system, I was expecting something slightly more complex or flashy. I mean, I fully understand the concept that the simplest plan is the strongest, but actors playing zombies? No offense guys, but zombies aren't exactly the epitome of frightening. I'm guessing you got the zombie idea from Paris Hilton, but if you've kept up with current news, you'll see it's not exactly the best strategy to keep attention away. If even the paparazzi got in, you know there's something wrong with the security system.
I spoke to one of your employees anyway, some guy named Pedro. I don't know about the rest of them, but Pedro's acting is incredible. I keep trying to talk to him, but he won't give up the act. How much are you paying these guys anyway? It's definitely not the lure of fame that's keeping them here. Although, you might wanna get the guy a speech class or two. It's faint, but I can definitely hear a slight Mexican accent. But it’s not that bad, considering the circumstances. Just a warning though; the flashiness of working in Louisiana for actual Dollars wears off. You don’t want a Zapata-style revolution happening. I’ve seen it before; it’s not pretty.
Anyway, since you’re paying me for my presence, I guess I should teach you all a thing or two about Poker. The first and important rule of poker: perfect your poker face. I don’t even have to tell you about all games I’ve seen people lose just because they let out a small expletive. If you want to call it a zombie face, go ahead. Just remember, if you let your poker face slip, you can say goodbye to your afterlife pension.
Second rule. Learn to lie. It should be easy enough, seeing how you’re all actors.
Character: Daniel Ocean
Series: Ocean's Trilogy (Eleven, Twelve, Thirteen)
Character Age: 46
Job: Recon man Casino Owner
Canon: Ocean's Eleven, Twelve and Thirteen all revolve around the same basic plot--Danny Ocean and his crew work an incredible con on some poor bastards, costing them a fortune either in valuables or cold hard cash (or both). In Eleven they rob the vault of the Bellagio, one of the most prestigious Vegas casinos. In Twelve they steal the Coronation Egg (yes, the one that was made by Fabergé). In Thirteen they fuck up the opening night of the newest Vegas casino-hotel as vengeance for a friend. Mad security hackz0rs and some amazingly intricate plots are always involved.
Danny Ocean, then, is the man behind all these con jobs. He comes up with all the ideas, figures out the rough sketch of how to get the plans to work, and then leaves the details to his best friend and right-hand man, Rusty Ryan. He is, first and foremost, a consummate actor. He can play any role. He acts so well he probably fools even himself at times. For him, the joke's always on the rest of the world. Despite this, he's fiercely loyal, and even slightly sentimental. He's a bit of a romantic at heart.
Sample Post:
Look, guys--guys. Yeah, you guys with the gray skin and terrible halitosis, have you ever considered Listerine? --Look, I'm flattered that you want to work with me, really I am, but I'm afraid that I must regretfully decline. I already have a team. A good team, yes, though you don't have to tell them I said that. Besides, I'm just here on recon. Easiest part of the job, only needs a two-man team, so I really can't take on any more men. Or women. Or corpses of indefinite sex. Yeah, I know it's tough to get your first jump into the business and I feel for you, but I just can't afford it now. Next job--yeah, next job I do, I promise I'll come get you. On my word. On my word as a con-man. Absolutely. Thank you.
So. Yep, I'm here on a job. Yeah, the casino owner thing, heh, that's just a front. My real work is recon. No, I really shouldn't talk about it--first rule, boys, first rule of this line of work is never to tell more people than those who need to know. I can say that it, ah, it involves the lake. Yeah, apparently there's something priceless in the lake, been right under your noses...well, your nasal cavities, this whole time. If only you knew, heh? --Oh. Wait, you did know about it? Then why haven't you tried to get it? What's the catch? Damn it. I hate untrustworthy fences. It's guarded, is it? By...by a what? A what?
...A monster. With tentacles. So it's guarded by a giant tentacled monster who...is into "the badtouching". --Okay. Huh. Well, everything valuable has its security system. This is new, but we can work with that. We'll need, er, some kind of distraction, something that'll grab its attention--sorry, her attention--and won't let go, before she grabs onto us. Something like...what did you say? Prawns? Yeah, food, that's a good one, guard dogs and the like are never fed enough, keeps'em sha--oh. You didn't say prawns. You want to give a tentacle monster...porn? Porn. Right. Tentacle porn with hot boys in. Guaranteed to work, 100% foolproof. Right. Ohhh boy, this is gonna need some work.
Okay, okay. You know what? I've got an idea. Just for you guys--just 'cause you're the most inspirational group of dead guys I've ever met, I'll...I'll cut you a good deal. How 'bout a trade? Info for info. Tit for tat. You tell me everything you know about the lake, and the monster, and how to get past all of that--doesn't matter if you don't know everything, just give me what you've got--and in return I, now, I will teach you all I know about thieving. And I guarantee you, gentlemen, I know a damn huge lot indeed. One of the best, if I do say so myself. So. Do we have a deal? Excellent. I'm sure this will be highly beneficial to both of us.
God, I need to find Rusty. Tentacle monster. Tentacle monster who's into hot men. I suppose it takes all sorts to make this world.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Robert "Rusty" Ryan
Series: Ocean's 11, 12, and 13
Age: "Rusty's not 50..." Somewhere between 30 and not-40.
Job: Recreational Educator
Canon: Danny Ocean, the Classy Thief (but not Liar), finds himself out of jail and all set for yet another heist. Since Incan matrimonial head masks were apparently impossible to move, his next big trick is to take down three casinos with just eleven people while getting his wife back at the same time. This is basically the gist of Ocean's 11. Ocean's 12 earns Danny and his crew a taste of revenge from Terry Benedict, whom they screwed with their 11 job. And finally, Ocean's 13 gives them a shot at revenge (with the help of Benedict, whom they screwed over) when one of their own, Vegas tycoon Reuben, is screwed out of a deal by another Vegas tycoon. So they screw him over on the grand opening of his newest casino. Basically, there's a lot of screwing.
Rusty Ryan, Danny's right-hand man and #2 of the group, is what we call "The Pro." And a pro he is. A veritable renaissance man, Rusty might not be spouting the quadratic equations, but he sure as heck knows them. Through the movies, he has many of the connections to get the jobs going, the ideas to make sure the ultimate objective (from Danny, "The Idea Man") is reached, and the know-how to keep things working when there are road blocks. He's cool and collected, smooth and smart, and despite having food in almost all of his scenes, he apparently never gains a pound. That's just how he plays the game.
Sample Entry:
I have to hand it to you guys. When you're dealt a bunch of teen heartthrob movie stars, you have a tendency to think that you've sunk pretty low. But you guys could've done Topher Grace in with this.
So since none of you seem to have names, I'm going to have to go with what's on your shirts, and since I'm apparently here to teach you how to 'have fun,' we'll start at the top on how I know none of you have ever played poker before.
Guy in the red shirt. What did you put in for the ante? That's right, very good. That's a bar of soap. Now, with the state you're in, I really think you should reconsider that investment because you probably need that soap more than anyone else. I'm sorry about the leprosy, but that doesn't help your case. There's a doctor I know that can--hey, look. No getting angry here. Remember, what's the first rule of poker?
No, it's not, "You do not talk about poker." It's, "Leave emotion at the door." You get angry, and people know they can play you. Watch it.
Team Anist--
Now, that's just tacky. Guys, they said they wanted me to keep the table PG-13. Which is why I asked you to put on actual clothes, but those are too mu--no, put it back on, put it back on, no fashion malfunctions at the poker table, guys! Thank you. Keep the shirts on. Are we cool now? Good.
Okay. So, Team Aniston, I like that you threw in a hand for your ante, but since you seem to be missing both of yours, I'm not sure I believe it's Sinatra's. And don't set your cards down face-up. This isn't solitaire, and you're not going to win with a queen high.
Team Jolie, you've already made it pretty obvious that you're a psychic bird. I told you that you can't stay in the game. Now give Team Zeta-Jones his cards back. Zeta-Jones, double-check your cards, and I know, you keep saying this is too hard for you, but a man needs to know how to play his five-card draw.
Team Clooney--that's just cruel. I've already said it once, and I'd like to think I don't need to say it again. We don't talk about that. Not how or why, and no, Aniston, not "it goes where." It doesn't go anywhere.
All of you need to shape up already and do this right, and why am I holding a hand of Uno cards?
Yeah, you know what. Forget poker. We'll play Go Fi--not Twister, Jolie. Taking your arm off would be cheating anyway.
You know, if it weren't for Oprah, I wouldn't even have come here.
Character: Robert "Rusty" Ryan
Series: Ocean's 11, 12, 13
Character Age: 44
Job: College Preparatory Guidance Counselor
Canon: What's the first thing a con-man does after getting out of prison? Plan a job, of course. Or at least, that's what Danny Ocean did in the first of the 'Ocean's Trilogy'. Together with a crew of ten others, Ocean's Eleven robbed three of Las Vegas's largest casinos. In Ocean's Twelve, the original Eleven plus one more go after the Coronation Egg. And in Thirteen, they take on the most sophisticated security system known to man as they work to 'break the bank' on Opening Night of Las Vegas's newest casino-hotel.
If Danny is the 'Idea Man', then Rusty would be 'The Pro.' He's Danny's right-hand man, the details man. Danny has an idea, and Rusty is in charge of making it reality. He's suave, charming, a real ladies man, but despite all his charisma, is not above bribing the living hell out of someone to ensure their plans go according to how they should. Rusty is a very good card player, and the last time he had too much time on his hands, he ended up teaching young up-and-coming movie stars how to play poker. He's a very down to earth type of guy though, and finds no greater pleasure than in planning and pulling off a job sucessfully.
Sample Entry:
Summer camp, huh? Sooo, boys and girls of all ages! Gather 'round, Counselor Rusty's here, at your service. I'm going to be your one and only College Preparatory Guidance Counselor, which means, kiddos, that I'm going to be teaching you everything you need to know in order to survive that hell-trap. So I'm actually really calling the lot of you who're eighteen and heading into college, or not eighteen and heading into college although why anyone would want to go to college before they need to is beyond me. In any case, as your College Prep Etc. Counselor, let me be the first to tell you no matter where you go or what you do, you'll want to remember what I'm about to teach you. What I'm talking about, of course, is poker. Yes, you heard me, poker. Only the most important skill you'll need to know to survive on a college campus. For better of for worse, your luck can change, just like that.
Let's get started then, shall we? Poker. Who here's played before? Anyone? Anyone? Hoo boy. Right! Who here's heard of poker? ...No one?! You're not serious. My god, you poor, deprived children. It appears my presence is needed more badly than I had imagined. Then again, you're a rather sickly lot, aren't you? You with your skeletal arm and your brother with the missing teeth, and then there's you. With your brains coming out of your ears like that, I'm not surprised you're missing a couple thousand brain cells. You really ought to get that looked that, y'know. Doesn't look very healthy. And all of you could also do with a shower and a change of clothes while we're on the topic of personal hygiene. I think your shirt--and skin--is starting to rot. And people say I dress badly.
Oh, right, the lesson. Sorry guys. Ah, can anyone at least tell me what I'm holding? ...No one can recognize a deck of cards? Right, I think I'll need to give you all a basic introduction. Basic basic. See, this here is what we Americans like to call playing cards. Through a variety of games, cards can be used as a way of relieving stress, boredom, and money from people with too much free time and cash. Each card has a number, or letter, on it which refers to how much value it holds. The little picture-mark-things are called suits. Each deck of cards has four suits: clubs, diamonds, hearts, and spades. The point of poker is to get a hand that's better than the other players.
Of course, if you're planning on playing cards for something other than fun, say to rob someone blind--which is also pretty fun--you're gong to need to get really good. A beginner trying to beat the pants off someone else while not getting cleaned out is rather like taking candy from a baby, see. It's messy, stupid, and a damn lot harder than people seem to think. Oh, yeah, everyone thinks it's simple. Have you ever tried getting something sweet back after the kid's gotten his hands on it? They just don't let go. Don't bother, let'm have it. Saves us all a headache and a lot of trouble. In terms of poker instead of brats and their sweets? Just wait until you know you can do what it takes to win before challenging someone and don't let your eyes be bigger than your head, got it?
So, there are many varieties of poker, which I'll go into later. There are also many strategies for poker, which I'll also go into later. For now, I want to make sure we're all on the same page here. Okay kiddos, what am I holding? No, no, no, not a "stack of shiny paper." Cards, man, cards. One more time, what am I holding? ...God, I need a drink. Someone get me a scotch on the rocks, will'ya? Actually, make that two. --Wait, whaddya mean its banned?! Oh come on, you gotta be kidding me. The things I do for a job...
Poll Vote!
Therefore, we are putting up a SPECIALTY ROUND (Remember these?) since there's even more spoilers with some of these. \o/ I'll put up a good mix when my other round is closed. MY OTHER GROUP IS SITLL OPEN SO VOTE AWAY.
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. POOL'S CLOSED
Character: Davy Jones
Series: Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy
Age: Old and crusty!
Job: The Care and Keeping of Marcy (see also: That Guy Who Feeds The Tentacle Monster)
Canon: Are you a brave sea-faring soul? Do you live in the seventeenth century? Do you fear death? If the answer to any of those questions is yes, congratulations! You are a likely candidate for Davy Jones' crew. Welcome aboard the Flying Dutchman, where men are part fish and death is on a one hundred year hiatus. Still, the work is hard, but the benefit of being on the side of the man with the most deadly ship on the seas? Is most definitely a plus.
Jones is cold, heartless, far too wordy in his speech and fairly polite, if the situation allows. At other times, he's raging, violent, and more than happy to take any opportunity to crush young love in his crabby claw. When he's not playing sad, emo songs on his organ, he's chillin' like a villain and preparing for his next move. Sometimes this move might involve his favorite of all sea creatures, the mighty Kraken. It's a huge, not-so-mythological beast, known far and wide for its tentacles, its destructive capability, and having eaten Jack Sparrow that one time. One can only hope it didn't get indigestion. All in all, Jones is just an emo squid what needs to cheer up.
Sample App:
The whole lot of ye here I'll find responsible for this most cruel and heinous act against the one being what can't take arms for itself. Now who among you could be so cold and cruel as to make so lovely a creature to suffer? Were it any other place on the sea, and I'd see to it you found yourself rewarded.
But no, you had to arrive at this most sacred of all places to every man on that sea, and what have you done? To shirk your duties is a crime punishable by worse than you dared let yourself imagine. Or did you perhaps think that no one on Earth would find out that none amongst you had any skill or reason at all to be left alive?
To think that a half-witted group of inexperienced louts would be the first in a hundred years to step foot on such sacred soil. The mating grounds of the kraken, and you've soiled it all! And what was it about her that made ye decide to let her rot away to a near nothing? I know a beautiful sea creature when my eyes are upon one, you forsaken mongrel lot, so don't start harboring ideas of pleas your inhumane righteousness. Oh, no, she won't be listening to your kind anymore. This is my purpose, is it not?
That's correct. It's Davy Jones time.
Now I will thank ye to have your crew removed from my sight at once. Foraging for some fleck of attention or intelligence, and you take me for a fool who would retain the infidels? Surely if I had one to spare, it would break my heart. And you'll think twice before spouting that shanty again, boy. I've no need for one.
There's only one man who I'll be needing for this half-thought out agenda that dares pass itself off as occupation. And the first to bring forth Sparrow to the lovely Marcy's nest can be spared the slow and tortuous death queued for everyone else.
Poll Vote!
Character: Joshamee Gibbs
Series: Pirates of the Caribbean
Character Age: old!
Job: Provider of the Exposition
Canon: The Pirates of the Caribbean movie trilogy is a trio of movies based on a hokey old pirate-themed ride at Disneyland, but with more swaggering, drinking and tentacle rape ("appendages you didn't know you wanted in your facial cavities").
Mr. Gibbs, while not one of the supah sexay top billing characters, is integral to the movies and the audience in that he provides exposition on demand. Need to know that enigmatic pirate's backstory? Mr. Gibbs knows it. Want to know about some supernatural phenomenon connected to the plot? Mr. Gibbs can tell you! Got a strange desire to know just how tonight's dinner was caught and prepared by that silent, gruff old cook with one arm and three fingers? Mr. Gibbs will sigh deeply and tell you everything you didn't want to know about what you just ate. He's just that good.
Trips to the department of backstory aside, Mr. Gibbs is also a good sailor and salty old pirate in his own right, often serving as Captain Jack Sparrow's first mate and possibly his closest friend...ish. Prone to superstition (he's especially fearful of that one about women and boats), Mr. Gibbs will randomly show up at your side with his ever-ready flask of rum and a warning to give or a story to tell - the truth of that story, of course, is up to him. He has a sense of the dramatic and somewhat of a penchant for stretching stories out and exaggerating details.
Sample Post:
Aye, steady the boat, that's a good lad - keep a weather eye on the horizon and mind the boat. You, boy - you be a boy, right? Not hidin' any petticoats under them Oriental robes, are ye- don't open them, boy, a simple "nay" will do! Bad luck havin' a woman on board a ship, never say I didn't tell ye otherwise - and it's even worse luck takin' one on a quest with ye, believe me! Nothin' worse than bein' lost with a pistol empty o' bullets, a bottle empty o' rum, and a woman full o' voice, that's what I say. Especially if she's a woman full o' weaponry, too, but that's another story altogether...
Watch yer step, now - these be bogs we be trekking through, full of the worst slop even the angels on high won't touch. They say the Good Lord created the world in six days, but on that seventh day he was restin', Hell took the opportunity to spit out the worst of its sludge and created this here swamp. With every damnable breath it could offer, it cursed the land and named it on that same day: the Lost Swamp of Seafud.
Many have told the tales, but few have claimed to live them...they say an old witch lives here in these swamps, hidden away where nary a soul can find her while she watches and tortures any who cross her path and enter her land. Some claim she was once naught but a woman, who loved as fiercely as a woman could - and hated even more fiercely when that love was lost, taken from her by the cruel hand of Death himself. She closed herself from the outside world, shut away her heart and even her soul until all that was left was a woman of naught more than cold malice. She lashed out, taking prisoners as she saw fit and trapping them in this cursed bog...
Aye, best to tread lightly, lad - there be danger lurking at every turn and tortures nigh unimaginable at every curve. Jus' the thought of them makes me dry with the thirst only mother courage can quench...'scuse me a moment, boys, while this old seadog wets his lips, eh?
...............blast it, I told ye these lands be cursed! Empty flask on a dangerous mission, that's a bad omen right there...
Poll Vote!
Character: Calypso (Tia Dalma)
Series: Pirates of the Caribbean
Character Age: Ageless (the ocean)
Job: Absolute Destiny Liaison, Dispenser of Unsettling Certainties and Dubiously Useful Advice (Fortune Teller)
Canon: Calypso, referred to as "Tia Dalma" by most of the characters in the series, is the goddess of the sea. Not much is known about her past, but somewhere along the line she got romantically involved with a certain ship's captain named Davy Jones. She assigned him the task of ferrying the souls of those who died at sea to the other world for ten years, at which point she would be waiting for him on land. Except, when the ten years were up, she wasn't there. Davy Jones reacted by cutting out his heart and selling the information about how to trap Calypso into a human form to the Brethren Court. Oops. In order to free herself, she resurrects Barbossa so that he can convince the Court to undo her bonds. He does so, hoping that she will help the pirates win the fight against the East India Trading Company. No such luck, as she dumps thousands of crabs on his ship instead.
When she appears as a human, Calypso is something of a voodoo priestess with a heavy Jamaican accent. She sells advice and assistance for a price, and seems to be able to see the future in some cases. Her demeanor among humans is usually amused and playful, but she holds rage at the pirates who imprisoned her and is bitter about the repercussions of Davy Jones' abandoning his task. The extent of her power is not known, but with the whole of the oceans back under her control, it's not something the pirates can afford to ignore.
Sample Post:
Ah, you! I can see de hurts dat you 'ave suffered in your past, as de reincarnation of a once powerful soul. You fear dat you can not succeed where did 'e, and will be unable to complete the task that 'as been set before you. For if you do not, you-- oh. No, pay no attention to dat, it was him next to you dat I was talking about. Destiny is also strong in 'im, you see. But your place as de key to de dark is no small t'ing either. It is in you dat de fate of your world will be decided, and de deat' of your family will come to 'ave a purpose. For dey--
...no, it was not just 'er next to you. It was bot' of dem. It is not usual, for a place to 'ave so many dat destiny 'as touched. But you 'ave paid, and you will get what is owed for your payment.
Dere is great turmoil in your future, but den a battle wit' one who 'as more of a connection with fate dan you will turn your path. You will see de trut' in de healing strike of a fist, and your taste in partners shall turn as well, to dose of your own...
No, dere is no mistake. It merely seems dat we need to move elsewhere, to a place where dere is no interference by dose around you.
Well, no matter, as it remains true - you have a touch of destiny about you. A lot of touches, in some very significant places.
Here, right here, I will show you on dis doll where destiny did touch you.
Poll Vote!
Name: Daniel Ocean
Series: Ocean's Thirteen
Age:38
Job: Poker Teacher
Canon: The Ocean's trilogy (11, 12, 13) is about Danny Ocean and his band of thieves who steal from the overly rich and donate to... themselves. Sure they're not the modern Robin Hood and his Band of Merry Men, but they still steal the hearts of the audience with their wit and humor. Ocean's Thirteen is about the original band of Eleven, with the addition of Terry Benedict (The Sheriff of Nottingham) who get back at a rival Hotel owner. After all, you cross one Ocean, you cross them all. They encounter problems and old French enemies along the way, but they take all troubles in stride, overcoming them with team brainpower and wit.
Daniel Ocean is the mastermind (or co-mastermind) of all the heists in each movie, and one of the more mature and rational members of the group. Slightly out of touch with currently trends, Danny still pretends to know what people talk about. After all, as co-mastermind, he should know what a magnetron is. Danny often banters with fellow thief Rusty, showing off his dry wit and slight-deadpan humor. While Danny is one of the more serious members of the group, he doesn't mind joking or bantering with others. Just don't ask him for his age. He doesn't look 50, right?
Sample post:
When they told me it was the world's most impenetrable security system, I was expecting something slightly more complex or flashy. I mean, I fully understand the concept that the simplest plan is the strongest, but actors playing zombies? No offense guys, but zombies aren't exactly the epitome of frightening. I'm guessing you got the zombie idea from Paris Hilton, but if you've kept up with current news, you'll see it's not exactly the best strategy to keep attention away. If even the paparazzi got in, you know there's something wrong with the security system.
I spoke to one of your employees anyway, some guy named Pedro. I don't know about the rest of them, but Pedro's acting is incredible. I keep trying to talk to him, but he won't give up the act. How much are you paying these guys anyway? It's definitely not the lure of fame that's keeping them here. Although, you might wanna get the guy a speech class or two. It's faint, but I can definitely hear a slight Mexican accent. But it’s not that bad, considering the circumstances. Just a warning though; the flashiness of working in Louisiana for actual Dollars wears off. You don’t want a Zapata-style revolution happening. I’ve seen it before; it’s not pretty.
Anyway, since you’re paying me for my presence, I guess I should teach you all a thing or two about Poker. The first and important rule of poker: perfect your poker face. I don’t even have to tell you about all games I’ve seen people lose just because they let out a small expletive. If you want to call it a zombie face, go ahead. Just remember, if you let your poker face slip, you can say goodbye to your afterlife pension.
Second rule. Learn to lie. It should be easy enough, seeing how you’re all actors.
Character: Daniel Ocean
Series: Ocean's Trilogy (Eleven, Twelve, Thirteen)
Character Age: 46
Job: Recon man Casino Owner
Canon: Ocean's Eleven, Twelve and Thirteen all revolve around the same basic plot--Danny Ocean and his crew work an incredible con on some poor bastards, costing them a fortune either in valuables or cold hard cash (or both). In Eleven they rob the vault of the Bellagio, one of the most prestigious Vegas casinos. In Twelve they steal the Coronation Egg (yes, the one that was made by Fabergé). In Thirteen they fuck up the opening night of the newest Vegas casino-hotel as vengeance for a friend. Mad security hackz0rs and some amazingly intricate plots are always involved.
Danny Ocean, then, is the man behind all these con jobs. He comes up with all the ideas, figures out the rough sketch of how to get the plans to work, and then leaves the details to his best friend and right-hand man, Rusty Ryan. He is, first and foremost, a consummate actor. He can play any role. He acts so well he probably fools even himself at times. For him, the joke's always on the rest of the world. Despite this, he's fiercely loyal, and even slightly sentimental. He's a bit of a romantic at heart.
Sample Post:
Look, guys--guys. Yeah, you guys with the gray skin and terrible halitosis, have you ever considered Listerine? --Look, I'm flattered that you want to work with me, really I am, but I'm afraid that I must regretfully decline. I already have a team. A good team, yes, though you don't have to tell them I said that. Besides, I'm just here on recon. Easiest part of the job, only needs a two-man team, so I really can't take on any more men. Or women. Or corpses of indefinite sex. Yeah, I know it's tough to get your first jump into the business and I feel for you, but I just can't afford it now. Next job--yeah, next job I do, I promise I'll come get you. On my word. On my word as a con-man. Absolutely. Thank you.
So. Yep, I'm here on a job. Yeah, the casino owner thing, heh, that's just a front. My real work is recon. No, I really shouldn't talk about it--first rule, boys, first rule of this line of work is never to tell more people than those who need to know. I can say that it, ah, it involves the lake. Yeah, apparently there's something priceless in the lake, been right under your noses...well, your nasal cavities, this whole time. If only you knew, heh? --Oh. Wait, you did know about it? Then why haven't you tried to get it? What's the catch? Damn it. I hate untrustworthy fences. It's guarded, is it? By...by a what? A what?
...A monster. With tentacles. So it's guarded by a giant tentacled monster who...is into "the badtouching". --Okay. Huh. Well, everything valuable has its security system. This is new, but we can work with that. We'll need, er, some kind of distraction, something that'll grab its attention--sorry, her attention--and won't let go, before she grabs onto us. Something like...what did you say? Prawns? Yeah, food, that's a good one, guard dogs and the like are never fed enough, keeps'em sha--oh. You didn't say prawns. You want to give a tentacle monster...porn? Porn. Right. Tentacle porn with hot boys in. Guaranteed to work, 100% foolproof. Right. Ohhh boy, this is gonna need some work.
Okay, okay. You know what? I've got an idea. Just for you guys--just 'cause you're the most inspirational group of dead guys I've ever met, I'll...I'll cut you a good deal. How 'bout a trade? Info for info. Tit for tat. You tell me everything you know about the lake, and the monster, and how to get past all of that--doesn't matter if you don't know everything, just give me what you've got--and in return I, now, I will teach you all I know about thieving. And I guarantee you, gentlemen, I know a damn huge lot indeed. One of the best, if I do say so myself. So. Do we have a deal? Excellent. I'm sure this will be highly beneficial to both of us.
God, I need to find Rusty. Tentacle monster. Tentacle monster who's into hot men. I suppose it takes all sorts to make this world.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Robert "Rusty" Ryan
Series: Ocean's 11, 12, and 13
Age: "Rusty's not 50..." Somewhere between 30 and not-40.
Job: Recreational Educator
Canon: Danny Ocean, the Classy Thief (but not Liar), finds himself out of jail and all set for yet another heist. Since Incan matrimonial head masks were apparently impossible to move, his next big trick is to take down three casinos with just eleven people while getting his wife back at the same time. This is basically the gist of Ocean's 11. Ocean's 12 earns Danny and his crew a taste of revenge from Terry Benedict, whom they screwed with their 11 job. And finally, Ocean's 13 gives them a shot at revenge (with the help of Benedict, whom they screwed over) when one of their own, Vegas tycoon Reuben, is screwed out of a deal by another Vegas tycoon. So they screw him over on the grand opening of his newest casino. Basically, there's a lot of screwing.
Rusty Ryan, Danny's right-hand man and #2 of the group, is what we call "The Pro." And a pro he is. A veritable renaissance man, Rusty might not be spouting the quadratic equations, but he sure as heck knows them. Through the movies, he has many of the connections to get the jobs going, the ideas to make sure the ultimate objective (from Danny, "The Idea Man") is reached, and the know-how to keep things working when there are road blocks. He's cool and collected, smooth and smart, and despite having food in almost all of his scenes, he apparently never gains a pound. That's just how he plays the game.
Sample Entry:
I have to hand it to you guys. When you're dealt a bunch of teen heartthrob movie stars, you have a tendency to think that you've sunk pretty low. But you guys could've done Topher Grace in with this.
So since none of you seem to have names, I'm going to have to go with what's on your shirts, and since I'm apparently here to teach you how to 'have fun,' we'll start at the top on how I know none of you have ever played poker before.
Guy in the red shirt. What did you put in for the ante? That's right, very good. That's a bar of soap. Now, with the state you're in, I really think you should reconsider that investment because you probably need that soap more than anyone else. I'm sorry about the leprosy, but that doesn't help your case. There's a doctor I know that can--hey, look. No getting angry here. Remember, what's the first rule of poker?
No, it's not, "You do not talk about poker." It's, "Leave emotion at the door." You get angry, and people know they can play you. Watch it.
Team Anist--
Now, that's just tacky. Guys, they said they wanted me to keep the table PG-13. Which is why I asked you to put on actual clothes, but those are too mu--no, put it back on, put it back on, no fashion malfunctions at the poker table, guys! Thank you. Keep the shirts on. Are we cool now? Good.
Okay. So, Team Aniston, I like that you threw in a hand for your ante, but since you seem to be missing both of yours, I'm not sure I believe it's Sinatra's. And don't set your cards down face-up. This isn't solitaire, and you're not going to win with a queen high.
Team Jolie, you've already made it pretty obvious that you're a psychic bird. I told you that you can't stay in the game. Now give Team Zeta-Jones his cards back. Zeta-Jones, double-check your cards, and I know, you keep saying this is too hard for you, but a man needs to know how to play his five-card draw.
Team Clooney--that's just cruel. I've already said it once, and I'd like to think I don't need to say it again. We don't talk about that. Not how or why, and no, Aniston, not "it goes where." It doesn't go anywhere.
All of you need to shape up already and do this right, and why am I holding a hand of Uno cards?
Yeah, you know what. Forget poker. We'll play Go Fi--not Twister, Jolie. Taking your arm off would be cheating anyway.
You know, if it weren't for Oprah, I wouldn't even have come here.
Character: Robert "Rusty" Ryan
Series: Ocean's 11, 12, 13
Character Age: 44
Job: College Preparatory Guidance Counselor
Canon: What's the first thing a con-man does after getting out of prison? Plan a job, of course. Or at least, that's what Danny Ocean did in the first of the 'Ocean's Trilogy'. Together with a crew of ten others, Ocean's Eleven robbed three of Las Vegas's largest casinos. In Ocean's Twelve, the original Eleven plus one more go after the Coronation Egg. And in Thirteen, they take on the most sophisticated security system known to man as they work to 'break the bank' on Opening Night of Las Vegas's newest casino-hotel.
If Danny is the 'Idea Man', then Rusty would be 'The Pro.' He's Danny's right-hand man, the details man. Danny has an idea, and Rusty is in charge of making it reality. He's suave, charming, a real ladies man, but despite all his charisma, is not above bribing the living hell out of someone to ensure their plans go according to how they should. Rusty is a very good card player, and the last time he had too much time on his hands, he ended up teaching young up-and-coming movie stars how to play poker. He's a very down to earth type of guy though, and finds no greater pleasure than in planning and pulling off a job sucessfully.
Sample Entry:
Summer camp, huh? Sooo, boys and girls of all ages! Gather 'round, Counselor Rusty's here, at your service. I'm going to be your one and only College Preparatory Guidance Counselor, which means, kiddos, that I'm going to be teaching you everything you need to know in order to survive that hell-trap. So I'm actually really calling the lot of you who're eighteen and heading into college, or not eighteen and heading into college although why anyone would want to go to college before they need to is beyond me. In any case, as your College Prep Etc. Counselor, let me be the first to tell you no matter where you go or what you do, you'll want to remember what I'm about to teach you. What I'm talking about, of course, is poker. Yes, you heard me, poker. Only the most important skill you'll need to know to survive on a college campus. For better of for worse, your luck can change, just like that.
Let's get started then, shall we? Poker. Who here's played before? Anyone? Anyone? Hoo boy. Right! Who here's heard of poker? ...No one?! You're not serious. My god, you poor, deprived children. It appears my presence is needed more badly than I had imagined. Then again, you're a rather sickly lot, aren't you? You with your skeletal arm and your brother with the missing teeth, and then there's you. With your brains coming out of your ears like that, I'm not surprised you're missing a couple thousand brain cells. You really ought to get that looked that, y'know. Doesn't look very healthy. And all of you could also do with a shower and a change of clothes while we're on the topic of personal hygiene. I think your shirt--and skin--is starting to rot. And people say I dress badly.
Oh, right, the lesson. Sorry guys. Ah, can anyone at least tell me what I'm holding? ...No one can recognize a deck of cards? Right, I think I'll need to give you all a basic introduction. Basic basic. See, this here is what we Americans like to call playing cards. Through a variety of games, cards can be used as a way of relieving stress, boredom, and money from people with too much free time and cash. Each card has a number, or letter, on it which refers to how much value it holds. The little picture-mark-things are called suits. Each deck of cards has four suits: clubs, diamonds, hearts, and spades. The point of poker is to get a hand that's better than the other players.
Of course, if you're planning on playing cards for something other than fun, say to rob someone blind--which is also pretty fun--you're gong to need to get really good. A beginner trying to beat the pants off someone else while not getting cleaned out is rather like taking candy from a baby, see. It's messy, stupid, and a damn lot harder than people seem to think. Oh, yeah, everyone thinks it's simple. Have you ever tried getting something sweet back after the kid's gotten his hands on it? They just don't let go. Don't bother, let'm have it. Saves us all a headache and a lot of trouble. In terms of poker instead of brats and their sweets? Just wait until you know you can do what it takes to win before challenging someone and don't let your eyes be bigger than your head, got it?
So, there are many varieties of poker, which I'll go into later. There are also many strategies for poker, which I'll also go into later. For now, I want to make sure we're all on the same page here. Okay kiddos, what am I holding? No, no, no, not a "stack of shiny paper." Cards, man, cards. One more time, what am I holding? ...God, I need a drink. Someone get me a scotch on the rocks, will'ya? Actually, make that two. --Wait, whaddya mean its banned?! Oh come on, you gotta be kidding me. The things I do for a job...
Poll Vote!