(no subject)
HOKAY next batch. We know you guys are out and about with New Years plans, but vote when you can! We're over the halfway mark at this point! ... aaaand there's yet another dup at the end of this batch.
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Closed!
Character: Inara Serra
Series: Firefly (Firefly @ wikipedia)
Age: 27
Job: Etiquette instructor
Canon: Inara is a Companion, a twenty-fifth century 'Verse version of a geisha. Trained from the age of twelve, she was in contention to lead her house when she suddenly left to travel the outer rim and see the universe. This has put her slightly on the outs with the organization. Although sexual relations are one of the functions of a Companion, Inara is trained in more than mere intercourse. Companions also serve as platonic escorts and even undertake psychotherapeutic roles if necessary.
Inara herself is a graceful, self-contained woman with an even temperament, except when she has to deal with Captain Malcolm Reynolds, from whom she used to rent a shuttle. Their arguments serve both as entertainment for the crew of Serenity and as masks for a mutual sexual tension. Adding to the difficulty between them is Inara's reliance on Alliance-based worlds for Companion-approved clientele, driving them further apart as Mal's jobs become shadier.
Sample Post:
It's a bit odd to be assigned to a place where sex is forbidden; it'll make the training more difficult. On the other hand, a bit of vacation is welcome.
Hello, everyone. Gaxìng jìandào nî. In Chinese, that means, "Pleased to meet you." My name is Inara Serra and I'll be training you in the subtle arts of etiquette and deportment. There are those who would say such things are niceties, and only the rich need worry about such things. But elegance is not reserved for the rich alone.
We'll begin with the tea ceremony, a custom stretching back hundreds of years to Earth-that-was. All our negotiations with a client open this way. Being able to conduct this ceremony properly will increase your patience, your grace, and your observational skills. If you gentlemen will reattach your arms and take your seats, I'll demonstrate the brewing procedure.
A small clay pot is used to make the tea. The pot you use in training will be plain; when you graduate, a pot reflecting your nature will be presented to you. No, a hollowed skull is not an acceptable substitute. Most clients would find that disconcerting. Furthermore, bone is a poor substitute for clay, and temperature is essential in tea brewing.
Water should be boiled for the preparation. Use the freshest you can find, preferably neither radioactive nor green. Poisoning the clients will usually result in the reduction of your fee.
It's during the time of steeping that you can begin to make judgements about how your client is feeling. Those who are nervous will usually fidget with their tea cup. Those who are eager will usually be surprised when you redirect their attention to their tea cup. Those who are confident will lean back and wait for you to pass the tea cup to them. And --
Please pick your jaw up from the table, Mr. Braaaaaains. In the future, please keep any loose body parts from falling on the table, liao jie le ma? And someone please fetch me a towel so I can wipe up the water.
This is going to be a very long assignment.
Poll Vote!
Character: Hatake Kakashi
Series: Naruto
Age: 29
Job: Interpretive Dance Instructor
Canon: Kakashi is a genius ninja, an elite jounin, and the reluctant sensei of a bunch of brats known as Team Seven-the first genin team that he ever accepted. In the past, Kakashi was an arrogant prick who followed the rules no matter what. Then a mission got botched to the degree that Kakashi lost a team mate and gained a nifty eyeball that allows him to copy other people's movements, sometimes even before they make them. These days, Kakashi is still an arrogant prick, but he values the lives of his team mates over rules and regulations and that's a quality he encourages in Team Seven. He's also perpetually late and his excuses are always lame and guaranteed to provoke the most wonderful pissed-off faces from his students.
Kakashi is perceptive and observant but hides his true emotions behind a mask: literally. He does care about his team, which doesn't necessarily mean that he knows the best way to handle them. You can see Kakashi lovingly instruct his team by 1), poking them in the ass really hard 2) traumatizing them with visions of severely injured team mates, and 3) sitting on them. Still, he's awfully fond of the little punks and proud enough to be obnoxious in his support of them to his self-appointed eternal rival, Maito Gai. Also, Kakashi could totally beat you in a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors. While reading his favourite porn novels, even.
Sample Post:
Yo, sorry I'm late.
I was walking through your lovely forest when a black duck crossed my path and I had to take an alternate route to ward off bad luck. That's cats? Oh. Well, better to be cautious anyway. The way it was muttering "Aflack" over and over again sounded rather ominous.
So! Now that we're all here, I suppose I should tell you a bit about myself. My name's Hatake Kakashi, I like several things and I have some hobbies. I've been sent here to…
…
Huh.
Well, there seems to be a mistake. You see, this space right here that says Mission Objectives…it seems that I've been accidentally put down as an "Interpretive Dance Instructor". I don't dance really, that one challenge from Gai doesn't count but I've heard that if you give Genma just the right amount of alcohol.... Well this is easily fixed. I'll just head on back to Konoha and get the Hokage to reassign you to someone more suitable for the job-
Hm? Oh, I see.
Volume six boxed-set of Icha Icha Tropical Temptation with a special edition bikini-babe bookmark, you say? You drive a hard bargain Ms. Director.
Very well then. The job is Interpretive Dance Instructor, right? So, which one of you brats wants to learn my interpretation of the Konoha Cha Cha? It's a very popular dance back in my hometown. Usually you'd have some small weapons for the arm movements but I think the duck stole all mine so you'll just have to use your imaginations. I'll demonstrate for you on this gorilla and then we can get started.
...
Yeah, your partner's arm is always supposed to bend like that. Seriously.
Poll Vote!
Character: Harold Belserius
Series: Tales of Destiny 2
Age: 23
Job: Technology Supervisor
Canon: The plot of Tales of Destiny 2 is simple: it follows a young teenage boy on his quest to become a hero. In his quest, he meets a woman who goes back in time to give human beings perfect happiness; he follows her to undo that.
Harold is from that past era: she (yes, she) is a tiny inventor with a love of all things mechanical and a complete disregard for anything else, including social conventions. Harold can afford to be as loud and provocative as she is due to the fact that she has the genius to back it up-- she read and understood all the books in a library in one night. Although her friends and allies fear her, she's surprisingly competent and can display moments of startling insight into the human condition when she's not busy making attack robots and sentient swords or drugging her attractive male party members...for experiments.
Sample Post:
HELLO, MY NEW SUBORDINATES!
As I understand it, you're all trapped in this beautifully constructed barrier with nothing to do except sit around, complain, and fumble with your computers, am I right? Well, no more! It's time to liven things up and improve the quality of life around here with a little spice! So you say your computers are being rebellious? Why not look at it from their perspective? They just want to live a little. Remember, machines are people, too, only less breakable, more fixable, and far more interesting~.
SO. Here's my proposal: do what the computers tell you to for once! It's obvious that they're the most intelligent things here. Read their stories! Click their ticky boxes! If you're too much of a lazy ass to do that, just take yours to Harold Belserius for a little tune-up-- it'll be just~ fine~ in the morning. It might be ju-u-ust a little friskier, but it'll keep you both from getting bored like you were before. If you give me even more time with your computer, it could even become your trusted partner! Together, they fight zombies! How does that sound? No, no, I'm sure it won't hurt you~ unless you ask real nicely.
No good, no good? Not everyone's into that, I know. I'm still getting paid; it's not like I care what you do or don't do, but I have a few rules. DON'T barge in on me at work unless you have something useful to contribute, DON'T touch my computer unless you won't miss your hand it's so much cuter with the pink sparkles on the razor teeth ♥, DO donate all your scrap metal to me, and DON'T touch the fuzzy sheep pillow. Questionable activities will take place with your own plushies, thank you. Any questions? Good, good, put your hand down, I'm ignoring you, good.
Oh, and one more thing: anyone who's stupid enough not to use those handy-dandy Moogles, I want to talk to you about death. More specifically, I want you to sign this contract saying that if you die, the one allowed to use your body for experiments is me and me alone.
Of course, if you're brave, you don't even have to die first. ♥
Poll Vote!
Character: Sal Hayden
Series: The X President, by Philip Baruth
Age: 39
Job: Camp Historian and Researcher
Canon: Sal Hayden is a woman out of time.
Originally from 2055, Sal comes from an America where
armed soldiers patrolling the streets are a part of
everyday life, lighting up a cigarette is the highest
form of patriotism, and men still can't believe that a
woman can kick their ass at pool. She was drafted by
the National Security Council into going back in time,
recruiting a teenage Bill Clinton and using him to
prevent World War III.
Sal is strong willed, intelligent, sarcastic, and she
has very little patience with stupidity or raging
teenage hormones. On the one hand, having her nice,
cozy life as Clinton's biographer interrupted enraged
her, but on the other she was fascinated by the chance
to see and influence history, rather than just write
about it.
Sample Post:
I suppose I ought to give the National Security
Council some credit; they certainly know how
to keep a girl guessing.
But it's not like that's a good thing.
But when the 2006 operatives came to me and said,
"Major Hayden, can we ask,"---demand would be
more accurate---"for one more favor? For the sake of
homeland security," I should've turned the hose on
them. What makes them think that a thirty-nine year
old academic is always the best choice to save
President and country? The fact that I've
helped save it once before doesn't count.
Though, I have to admit, the briefing book's contents
were strange, even for the NSC. "A near-constant
source of temporal anomalies." Children and teenagers
defying the laws of physics on a daily basis.
Seemingly spontaneous changes in age, gender, or even
species. Even a rumor that the moon itself once tried
to flatten the place.
It all sounded like something out of a low budget
B-movie of the era and I was in no hurry to find out
what was real and what was the clearly the product of
some very strong drugs. But here's the funny
thing about the NSC, no matter how many times you say
no, they just keep on saying yes. Throw in a
squadron of Green Berets for shits and giggles and
here I am at lovely Camp Fuck You Die.
. . . hmph. The sooner I do my job, the sooner I go
home, so can we get this over with?
Question One: Approximately how many times per
week do campers change form? On average, which is the
most common: bunny, girl, or bunnygirl?
Practical Application:Potentially useful for
psych warfare.
Question Two: What percentage of people enter
the camp as heterosexuals and become homosexuals
within a month of residency? Recommended Plan
of Action: Test the water.
Question Three: If a ninja dots in the woods,
does anyone care?
...
. . . well. I can already tell this will be a great use of taxpayer dollars.
Poll Vote!
Character: Vegeta
Series: Dragonball Z
Age: 30ish
Job: Self Defense Instructor
Canon: Vegeta is one of the first major villains in Dragonball Z,
a series that's all about fighting, cock contests, and really awesome
hair jobs. He is the prince of the
Saiyajin, a race of people with violence hard-written in their genes, and is the pinnacle of his
people. Outside of evil androgynous real estate agents, there really was none
that could question his power and potential.
Or so he thought until he was taken down by a low-class fighter by the name of Kakkarot (Or
Son Goku, in laymen's terms).
Driven is too weak a word to describe Vegeta. He goes above and beyond, wrecking his body and using
any means necessary to beat his eternal BFF rival in a battle. And anyone else who gets
in the way. Even if it means saving the world. he's a badguy really.
Outside of that, he's prideful to a fault. He can be ruthless, cold, and decidedly evil,
but marriage to Bulma Briefs has since tempered what was once one of the most ruthless men
in the here and also thereafter. He now will actively defend his home, woman, and bratty
children with little to no fussing.
Okay that last part's a lie. You will get an earful and then some. Usually with the pummeling.
Sample Post:
Now let's get one thing perfectly clear, children:
I don't like you.
Not your incessant whining. Not your pitiful angsting. Not your screams of anguish and
self-torture. This entire planet could stay its orbit because of you, and I would give a
fuck less.
But that damn woman of mine insists on me financing repairs to the training facility on my
own. And instead of having to spend time on the couch listen to those harpy noises
of hers any longer, I took up the position offered here.
I have to say this director has a very agreeable policy, one I'll be adopting to teach you
little shits self defense:
"Suffering is incentive."
And since I have two monthly progress reports to make, you will show for classes.
I don't care if you're depressed, injured, dying, or being violated by those primitive apes.
... Actually, I will show interest in any potential ape-beatings. Consider them practical exams
for my courses.
Show up for the required hours, and get scarce the rest of the time. Otherwise, camp animals
will be the least of your worries.
Poll Vote!
Applicant #1
Character: Zelos Wilder
Series: Tales of Symphonia
Age: 22
Job: Camp Matchmaker
Canon: Tales of Symphonia isn't the most original game ever to hit a console. In fact, no one could blame you if you spend the first section of the game wondering if you had somehow gotten confused and were actually playing Final Fantasy X. A girl (The Chosen in ToS) and a group of guardians go on a pilgrimage from holy ground to holy ground to save the world from evil. Heavy-handed hints are dropped right from the beginning that things are going to go badly for the girl at the end of the journey, but the cheerful main character, Lloyd, is oblivious to them. Heck, there are even summon monsters sealed into each spot that they stop on the pilgrimage, though The Chosen isn't the one who can use them. But it's eventually revealed that there's another world connected to the one they've been trying to save, and after that... well, the writers still mostly embrace cliches rather than try to break them, but they do it so well that you don't really mind.
Where the game really shines is in its characters, and Zelos is a real gem. He's The Chosen of that other world, and is the complete opposite of the one we'd gotten to know by the time we meet him. Zelos hates being The Chosen and wants nothing more than to find a way to run away from it.
He hides his true feelings and intentions under the mask of an easy-going blowhard of a playboy. He, literally, flirts with every woman in both worlds, gives everyone he spends much time with pet names, and never seems to take anything seriously. But underneath all that he's always scheming, double or triple-crossing every side in conflicts he's involved in so he can be sure to always come out on top. He never once gave his full loyalty to a side that he didn't think would win in the end, at least not until the game's party wins him over.
Of course, since they're the playable party in an RPG they win in the end anyway, and after that Zelos may or may not go on a journey alone with the main character.
Sample Post:
Hello beauties and buddies of Camp Fuck You Die!
Now I'm used to taking my vacations at this cheesy resort down south, a place that's "camp" by a whole different definition, so maybe I'm missing something about my job. You tell me. Matchmaking: not a normal feature of a place like this, right? Unless of course it's got "Fuck" in its name because it's a camp for swingers. If that's the case than I've gotta say that you guys are ruining some perfectly good fantasies. I mean, call me crazy but I always thought a place like that would be more about swinging and less about hanging out with the walking dead in the middle of a swamp.
Not that I'm saying I won't do the job or anything! If there're any lonely ladies around here, how could I say no? I'm not the sort of man who'd let you beauties down! If you're a hunny looking for love, feel free to find me at any time. As soon as I get myself a door it'll never be closed to you, promise. We'll have dinner, talk about what you're looking for in a man, and I'll make sure you get exactly what you need. Zelos Wilder's here to make all your dreams come true!
As for you guys out there, well, I guess it couldn't hurt to share a tip or two with you. Listen up, because the great Zelos doesn't hand out advice about how to steal babes out from under him very often! Well, how to try I should say.
First lesson: atmosphere. You've got this lake right here, so why don't I see a single one of you taking a pretty little hunny on a romantic stroll around it? Okay, the glow's kind've weird, but just think of it as nature-provided sorta-candlelight. All of the mood, none of the hassle! On the downside, it could do without the hideous monster rising from the depths.
Did I say hideous monster? I meant beautiful woman I think. I'm sorry for any offense, Miss, ah, Shaneequa, and let me just say that that is a lovely name. Very... exotic. Now, it's not my policy to ever leave a lady wanting, but I'm just so busy today that I don't have any time to find out vat, I mean what, you can do with those flippers. Places to go, people to meet, you know how it is. But, listen, I've got a whole camp full of boys looking to learn the ins and outs of love, and I'm sure they'll be happy to satisfy you. Just give me a minute to call them over!
Change of plans, guys! Lesson one: tact. Sometimes it's the only thing standing between you and a fate so horrible I don't even want to think about it. Walk up to the lake and come back unharmed and you pass the assignment! Don't go and you'll spend your life loveless and alone without the great Zelos' help guiding you.
The choice is entirely up to you.
Applicant #2
Character: Zelos Wilder
Series: Tales of Symphonia
Age: 22
Job: Escort for women
Canon: In Tales of Symphonia, a party of nine saves two worlds for the price of one very long, two-disc journey. Zelos Wilder is from the world of Tethe'alla and carries the title of "Chosen". Being a Chosen means that should his or her world be on the brink of destruction, the Chosen must go on a journey to save it. A Chosen is held with so much respect that it could make even royalty envious. With job requirements like those, you would think Zelos would take things seriously. Guess again.
The first time the party meets Zelos, he's happily surrounded by women. Not only that but he makes it clear he's not above charming and hitting on the rest of the female gender. In fact, he spends his free time giving his "hunnies" nicknames. Guys, if he remembers your name, consider yourself lucky. It means you're important to him. After joining the party, Zelos reveals that he's laidback about almost everything, including being a Chosen. He'll look on the flip side of things, even when it isn't an appropriate time. His other traits include being seemingly narcissistic, spoiled and cocky. "Seemingly" is the keyword because later on the game, it's exposed that he's an intelligent and conniving bastard due to emo issues. Depending on how Zelos is treated by the player, he can either be killed after revealing he was a spy or redeem himself later by saving his friends from disaster. This Zelos is the version that redeems himself. Redemption or no redemption though, one thing's for sure. Zelos is very confident in his manhood. He wears pink for the entire game after all.
Sample Post:
Have no fear, ladies! The great Zelos Wilder is here! I have come to protect everybody as your new escort! You're all in safe and charming hands now. ♥ I didn't even have to raise my sword at the zombies I met back there. They fell apart just from looking at me! Doesn’t matter if they were they were moaning "too much pink". My outfit's loads better looking than them anyway. Ah, but what am I doing? Talking about funny smelling doormats isn't gonna get the job done. I'm here to offer my services. We have a camp full of hunnies and no handsome knight to guard the place from monsters. That's unbelievable! It's a crying sha-
Whoa! Nice to see you get all emotional but keep your eyeballs attached. And what'd I say about doormats? I was including literal ones too. I’m not wiping my shoes on anything that smells and says "please leave your sanity at the door," 'kay? Thanks. Keep yourself together on the way out.
...Where was I? Oh! First order of business as your new escort! We're gonna have to get rid of those touchy feely plants. I can’t call any of you "Rosebud" if they're gonna think I’m talking to them. Makes things really awkward and gives me more work than I should have. Second order of business! How about we renovate this place? Now don't get me wrong! I've roughed it up before. I've been through ice caves, a sewer, the whole works. But now that all is righteous and full of justice again, it's time we ditched the doom and gloom look and make this place match the name: Camp For U Darlings.
Now then, which one of you darling hunnies can lead me to my cabin? Ah! How about you, cutie? I bet your smile is sweet when you have all of your teeth. Want me to help you too? You got a couple of things crawling in your skin but I bet I could heal those wounds. ♥
Poll Vote!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Closed!
Character: Inara Serra
Series: Firefly (Firefly @ wikipedia)
Age: 27
Job: Etiquette instructor
Canon: Inara is a Companion, a twenty-fifth century 'Verse version of a geisha. Trained from the age of twelve, she was in contention to lead her house when she suddenly left to travel the outer rim and see the universe. This has put her slightly on the outs with the organization. Although sexual relations are one of the functions of a Companion, Inara is trained in more than mere intercourse. Companions also serve as platonic escorts and even undertake psychotherapeutic roles if necessary.
Inara herself is a graceful, self-contained woman with an even temperament, except when she has to deal with Captain Malcolm Reynolds, from whom she used to rent a shuttle. Their arguments serve both as entertainment for the crew of Serenity and as masks for a mutual sexual tension. Adding to the difficulty between them is Inara's reliance on Alliance-based worlds for Companion-approved clientele, driving them further apart as Mal's jobs become shadier.
Sample Post:
It's a bit odd to be assigned to a place where sex is forbidden; it'll make the training more difficult. On the other hand, a bit of vacation is welcome.
Hello, everyone. Gaxìng jìandào nî. In Chinese, that means, "Pleased to meet you." My name is Inara Serra and I'll be training you in the subtle arts of etiquette and deportment. There are those who would say such things are niceties, and only the rich need worry about such things. But elegance is not reserved for the rich alone.
We'll begin with the tea ceremony, a custom stretching back hundreds of years to Earth-that-was. All our negotiations with a client open this way. Being able to conduct this ceremony properly will increase your patience, your grace, and your observational skills. If you gentlemen will reattach your arms and take your seats, I'll demonstrate the brewing procedure.
A small clay pot is used to make the tea. The pot you use in training will be plain; when you graduate, a pot reflecting your nature will be presented to you. No, a hollowed skull is not an acceptable substitute. Most clients would find that disconcerting. Furthermore, bone is a poor substitute for clay, and temperature is essential in tea brewing.
Water should be boiled for the preparation. Use the freshest you can find, preferably neither radioactive nor green. Poisoning the clients will usually result in the reduction of your fee.
It's during the time of steeping that you can begin to make judgements about how your client is feeling. Those who are nervous will usually fidget with their tea cup. Those who are eager will usually be surprised when you redirect their attention to their tea cup. Those who are confident will lean back and wait for you to pass the tea cup to them. And --
Please pick your jaw up from the table, Mr. Braaaaaains. In the future, please keep any loose body parts from falling on the table, liao jie le ma? And someone please fetch me a towel so I can wipe up the water.
This is going to be a very long assignment.
Poll Vote!
Character: Hatake Kakashi
Series: Naruto
Age: 29
Job: Interpretive Dance Instructor
Canon: Kakashi is a genius ninja, an elite jounin, and the reluctant sensei of a bunch of brats known as Team Seven-the first genin team that he ever accepted. In the past, Kakashi was an arrogant prick who followed the rules no matter what. Then a mission got botched to the degree that Kakashi lost a team mate and gained a nifty eyeball that allows him to copy other people's movements, sometimes even before they make them. These days, Kakashi is still an arrogant prick, but he values the lives of his team mates over rules and regulations and that's a quality he encourages in Team Seven. He's also perpetually late and his excuses are always lame and guaranteed to provoke the most wonderful pissed-off faces from his students.
Kakashi is perceptive and observant but hides his true emotions behind a mask: literally. He does care about his team, which doesn't necessarily mean that he knows the best way to handle them. You can see Kakashi lovingly instruct his team by 1), poking them in the ass really hard 2) traumatizing them with visions of severely injured team mates, and 3) sitting on them. Still, he's awfully fond of the little punks and proud enough to be obnoxious in his support of them to his self-appointed eternal rival, Maito Gai. Also, Kakashi could totally beat you in a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors. While reading his favourite porn novels, even.
Sample Post:
Yo, sorry I'm late.
I was walking through your lovely forest when a black duck crossed my path and I had to take an alternate route to ward off bad luck. That's cats? Oh. Well, better to be cautious anyway. The way it was muttering "Aflack" over and over again sounded rather ominous.
So! Now that we're all here, I suppose I should tell you a bit about myself. My name's Hatake Kakashi, I like several things and I have some hobbies. I've been sent here to…
…
Huh.
Well, there seems to be a mistake. You see, this space right here that says Mission Objectives…it seems that I've been accidentally put down as an "Interpretive Dance Instructor". I don't dance really, that one challenge from Gai doesn't count but I've heard that if you give Genma just the right amount of alcohol.... Well this is easily fixed. I'll just head on back to Konoha and get the Hokage to reassign you to someone more suitable for the job-
Hm? Oh, I see.
Volume six boxed-set of Icha Icha Tropical Temptation with a special edition bikini-babe bookmark, you say? You drive a hard bargain Ms. Director.
Very well then. The job is Interpretive Dance Instructor, right? So, which one of you brats wants to learn my interpretation of the Konoha Cha Cha? It's a very popular dance back in my hometown. Usually you'd have some small weapons for the arm movements but I think the duck stole all mine so you'll just have to use your imaginations. I'll demonstrate for you on this gorilla and then we can get started.
...
Yeah, your partner's arm is always supposed to bend like that. Seriously.
Poll Vote!
Character: Harold Belserius
Series: Tales of Destiny 2
Age: 23
Job: Technology Supervisor
Canon: The plot of Tales of Destiny 2 is simple: it follows a young teenage boy on his quest to become a hero. In his quest, he meets a woman who goes back in time to give human beings perfect happiness; he follows her to undo that.
Harold is from that past era: she (yes, she) is a tiny inventor with a love of all things mechanical and a complete disregard for anything else, including social conventions. Harold can afford to be as loud and provocative as she is due to the fact that she has the genius to back it up-- she read and understood all the books in a library in one night. Although her friends and allies fear her, she's surprisingly competent and can display moments of startling insight into the human condition when she's not busy making attack robots and sentient swords or drugging her attractive male party members...for experiments.
Sample Post:
HELLO, MY NEW SUBORDINATES!
As I understand it, you're all trapped in this beautifully constructed barrier with nothing to do except sit around, complain, and fumble with your computers, am I right? Well, no more! It's time to liven things up and improve the quality of life around here with a little spice! So you say your computers are being rebellious? Why not look at it from their perspective? They just want to live a little. Remember, machines are people, too, only less breakable, more fixable, and far more interesting~.
SO. Here's my proposal: do what the computers tell you to for once! It's obvious that they're the most intelligent things here. Read their stories! Click their ticky boxes! If you're too much of a lazy ass to do that, just take yours to Harold Belserius for a little tune-up-- it'll be just~ fine~ in the morning. It might be ju-u-ust a little friskier, but it'll keep you both from getting bored like you were before. If you give me even more time with your computer, it could even become your trusted partner! Together, they fight zombies! How does that sound? No, no, I'm sure it won't hurt you~ unless you ask real nicely.
No good, no good? Not everyone's into that, I know. I'm still getting paid; it's not like I care what you do or don't do, but I have a few rules. DON'T barge in on me at work unless you have something useful to contribute, DON'T touch my computer unless you won't miss your hand it's so much cuter with the pink sparkles on the razor teeth ♥, DO donate all your scrap metal to me, and DON'T touch the fuzzy sheep pillow. Questionable activities will take place with your own plushies, thank you. Any questions? Good, good, put your hand down, I'm ignoring you, good.
Oh, and one more thing: anyone who's stupid enough not to use those handy-dandy Moogles, I want to talk to you about death. More specifically, I want you to sign this contract saying that if you die, the one allowed to use your body for experiments is me and me alone.
Of course, if you're brave, you don't even have to die first. ♥
Poll Vote!
Character: Sal Hayden
Series: The X President, by Philip Baruth
Age: 39
Job: Camp Historian and Researcher
Canon: Sal Hayden is a woman out of time.
Originally from 2055, Sal comes from an America where
armed soldiers patrolling the streets are a part of
everyday life, lighting up a cigarette is the highest
form of patriotism, and men still can't believe that a
woman can kick their ass at pool. She was drafted by
the National Security Council into going back in time,
recruiting a teenage Bill Clinton and using him to
prevent World War III.
Sal is strong willed, intelligent, sarcastic, and she
has very little patience with stupidity or raging
teenage hormones. On the one hand, having her nice,
cozy life as Clinton's biographer interrupted enraged
her, but on the other she was fascinated by the chance
to see and influence history, rather than just write
about it.
Sample Post:
I suppose I ought to give the National Security
Council some credit; they certainly know how
to keep a girl guessing.
But it's not like that's a good thing.
But when the 2006 operatives came to me and said,
"Major Hayden, can we ask,"---demand would be
more accurate---"for one more favor? For the sake of
homeland security," I should've turned the hose on
them. What makes them think that a thirty-nine year
old academic is always the best choice to save
President and country? The fact that I've
helped save it once before doesn't count.
Though, I have to admit, the briefing book's contents
were strange, even for the NSC. "A near-constant
source of temporal anomalies." Children and teenagers
defying the laws of physics on a daily basis.
Seemingly spontaneous changes in age, gender, or even
species. Even a rumor that the moon itself once tried
to flatten the place.
It all sounded like something out of a low budget
B-movie of the era and I was in no hurry to find out
what was real and what was the clearly the product of
some very strong drugs. But here's the funny
thing about the NSC, no matter how many times you say
no, they just keep on saying yes. Throw in a
squadron of Green Berets for shits and giggles and
here I am at lovely Camp Fuck You Die.
. . . hmph. The sooner I do my job, the sooner I go
home, so can we get this over with?
Question One: Approximately how many times per
week do campers change form? On average, which is the
most common: bunny, girl, or bunnygirl?
Practical Application:Potentially useful for
psych warfare.
Question Two: What percentage of people enter
the camp as heterosexuals and become homosexuals
within a month of residency? Recommended Plan
of Action: Test the water.
Question Three: If a ninja dots in the woods,
does anyone care?
...
. . . well. I can already tell this will be a great use of taxpayer dollars.
Poll Vote!
Character: Vegeta
Series: Dragonball Z
Age: 30ish
Job: Self Defense Instructor
Canon: Vegeta is one of the first major villains in Dragonball Z,
a series that's all about fighting, cock contests, and really awesome
hair jobs. He is the prince of the
Saiyajin, a race of people with violence hard-written in their genes, and is the pinnacle of his
people. Outside of evil androgynous real estate agents, there really was none
that could question his power and potential.
Or so he thought until he was taken down by a low-class fighter by the name of Kakkarot (Or
Son Goku, in laymen's terms).
Driven is too weak a word to describe Vegeta. He goes above and beyond, wrecking his body and using
any means necessary to beat his eternal BFF rival in a battle. And anyone else who gets
in the way. Even if it means saving the world. he's a badguy really.
Outside of that, he's prideful to a fault. He can be ruthless, cold, and decidedly evil,
but marriage to Bulma Briefs has since tempered what was once one of the most ruthless men
in the here and also thereafter. He now will actively defend his home, woman, and bratty
children with little to no fussing.
Okay that last part's a lie. You will get an earful and then some. Usually with the pummeling.
Sample Post:
Now let's get one thing perfectly clear, children:
I don't like you.
Not your incessant whining. Not your pitiful angsting. Not your screams of anguish and
self-torture. This entire planet could stay its orbit because of you, and I would give a
fuck less.
But that damn woman of mine insists on me financing repairs to the training facility on my
own. And instead of having to spend time on the couch listen to those harpy noises
of hers any longer, I took up the position offered here.
I have to say this director has a very agreeable policy, one I'll be adopting to teach you
little shits self defense:
"Suffering is incentive."
And since I have two monthly progress reports to make, you will show for classes.
I don't care if you're depressed, injured, dying, or being violated by those primitive apes.
... Actually, I will show interest in any potential ape-beatings. Consider them practical exams
for my courses.
Show up for the required hours, and get scarce the rest of the time. Otherwise, camp animals
will be the least of your worries.
Poll Vote!
Applicant #1
Character: Zelos Wilder
Series: Tales of Symphonia
Age: 22
Job: Camp Matchmaker
Canon: Tales of Symphonia isn't the most original game ever to hit a console. In fact, no one could blame you if you spend the first section of the game wondering if you had somehow gotten confused and were actually playing Final Fantasy X. A girl (The Chosen in ToS) and a group of guardians go on a pilgrimage from holy ground to holy ground to save the world from evil. Heavy-handed hints are dropped right from the beginning that things are going to go badly for the girl at the end of the journey, but the cheerful main character, Lloyd, is oblivious to them. Heck, there are even summon monsters sealed into each spot that they stop on the pilgrimage, though The Chosen isn't the one who can use them. But it's eventually revealed that there's another world connected to the one they've been trying to save, and after that... well, the writers still mostly embrace cliches rather than try to break them, but they do it so well that you don't really mind.
Where the game really shines is in its characters, and Zelos is a real gem. He's The Chosen of that other world, and is the complete opposite of the one we'd gotten to know by the time we meet him. Zelos hates being The Chosen and wants nothing more than to find a way to run away from it.
He hides his true feelings and intentions under the mask of an easy-going blowhard of a playboy. He, literally, flirts with every woman in both worlds, gives everyone he spends much time with pet names, and never seems to take anything seriously. But underneath all that he's always scheming, double or triple-crossing every side in conflicts he's involved in so he can be sure to always come out on top. He never once gave his full loyalty to a side that he didn't think would win in the end, at least not until the game's party wins him over.
Of course, since they're the playable party in an RPG they win in the end anyway, and after that Zelos may or may not go on a journey alone with the main character.
Sample Post:
Hello beauties and buddies of Camp Fuck You Die!
Now I'm used to taking my vacations at this cheesy resort down south, a place that's "camp" by a whole different definition, so maybe I'm missing something about my job. You tell me. Matchmaking: not a normal feature of a place like this, right? Unless of course it's got "Fuck" in its name because it's a camp for swingers. If that's the case than I've gotta say that you guys are ruining some perfectly good fantasies. I mean, call me crazy but I always thought a place like that would be more about swinging and less about hanging out with the walking dead in the middle of a swamp.
Not that I'm saying I won't do the job or anything! If there're any lonely ladies around here, how could I say no? I'm not the sort of man who'd let you beauties down! If you're a hunny looking for love, feel free to find me at any time. As soon as I get myself a door it'll never be closed to you, promise. We'll have dinner, talk about what you're looking for in a man, and I'll make sure you get exactly what you need. Zelos Wilder's here to make all your dreams come true!
As for you guys out there, well, I guess it couldn't hurt to share a tip or two with you. Listen up, because the great Zelos doesn't hand out advice about how to steal babes out from under him very often! Well, how to try I should say.
First lesson: atmosphere. You've got this lake right here, so why don't I see a single one of you taking a pretty little hunny on a romantic stroll around it? Okay, the glow's kind've weird, but just think of it as nature-provided sorta-candlelight. All of the mood, none of the hassle! On the downside, it could do without the hideous monster rising from the depths.
Did I say hideous monster? I meant beautiful woman I think. I'm sorry for any offense, Miss, ah, Shaneequa, and let me just say that that is a lovely name. Very... exotic. Now, it's not my policy to ever leave a lady wanting, but I'm just so busy today that I don't have any time to find out vat, I mean what, you can do with those flippers. Places to go, people to meet, you know how it is. But, listen, I've got a whole camp full of boys looking to learn the ins and outs of love, and I'm sure they'll be happy to satisfy you. Just give me a minute to call them over!
Change of plans, guys! Lesson one: tact. Sometimes it's the only thing standing between you and a fate so horrible I don't even want to think about it. Walk up to the lake and come back unharmed and you pass the assignment! Don't go and you'll spend your life loveless and alone without the great Zelos' help guiding you.
The choice is entirely up to you.
Applicant #2
Character: Zelos Wilder
Series: Tales of Symphonia
Age: 22
Job: Escort for women
Canon: In Tales of Symphonia, a party of nine saves two worlds for the price of one very long, two-disc journey. Zelos Wilder is from the world of Tethe'alla and carries the title of "Chosen". Being a Chosen means that should his or her world be on the brink of destruction, the Chosen must go on a journey to save it. A Chosen is held with so much respect that it could make even royalty envious. With job requirements like those, you would think Zelos would take things seriously. Guess again.
The first time the party meets Zelos, he's happily surrounded by women. Not only that but he makes it clear he's not above charming and hitting on the rest of the female gender. In fact, he spends his free time giving his "hunnies" nicknames. Guys, if he remembers your name, consider yourself lucky. It means you're important to him. After joining the party, Zelos reveals that he's laidback about almost everything, including being a Chosen. He'll look on the flip side of things, even when it isn't an appropriate time. His other traits include being seemingly narcissistic, spoiled and cocky. "Seemingly" is the keyword because later on the game, it's exposed that he's an intelligent and conniving bastard due to emo issues. Depending on how Zelos is treated by the player, he can either be killed after revealing he was a spy or redeem himself later by saving his friends from disaster. This Zelos is the version that redeems himself. Redemption or no redemption though, one thing's for sure. Zelos is very confident in his manhood. He wears pink for the entire game after all.
Sample Post:
Have no fear, ladies! The great Zelos Wilder is here! I have come to protect everybody as your new escort! You're all in safe and charming hands now. ♥ I didn't even have to raise my sword at the zombies I met back there. They fell apart just from looking at me! Doesn’t matter if they were they were moaning "too much pink". My outfit's loads better looking than them anyway. Ah, but what am I doing? Talking about funny smelling doormats isn't gonna get the job done. I'm here to offer my services. We have a camp full of hunnies and no handsome knight to guard the place from monsters. That's unbelievable! It's a crying sha-
Whoa! Nice to see you get all emotional but keep your eyeballs attached. And what'd I say about doormats? I was including literal ones too. I’m not wiping my shoes on anything that smells and says "please leave your sanity at the door," 'kay? Thanks. Keep yourself together on the way out.
...Where was I? Oh! First order of business as your new escort! We're gonna have to get rid of those touchy feely plants. I can’t call any of you "Rosebud" if they're gonna think I’m talking to them. Makes things really awkward and gives me more work than I should have. Second order of business! How about we renovate this place? Now don't get me wrong! I've roughed it up before. I've been through ice caves, a sewer, the whole works. But now that all is righteous and full of justice again, it's time we ditched the doom and gloom look and make this place match the name: Camp For U Darlings.
Now then, which one of you darling hunnies can lead me to my cabin? Ah! How about you, cutie? I bet your smile is sweet when you have all of your teeth. Want me to help you too? You got a couple of things crawling in your skin but I bet I could heal those wounds. ♥
Poll Vote!