(no subject)
Following Sian's batch up with another batch of counselors! Keep voting, guys. ♥
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me why I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Closed!
Character: Gotou Shintarou
Series: Kamen Rider OOO
Age: 22
Job: Camp Delivery Boy
Canon: After eight centuries of having been sealed away, bioengineereed monsters called Greeed are wreaking havoc among us again. They’re capable of using human desires to create monsters and satisfy their own gluttony. Fortunately there’s the series’ hero and local hobo, Hino Eiji, who inadvertently takes up the mantle of the king who originally sealed the Greeed, OOO. However, even the most heroic traveler can only do so much to fight in a world of avarice when he’s completely penniless - he soon finds himself backed up by the Kougami Foundation. Their intentions concerning OOO are shady, but their help is too good to pass up when they provide transportation, weapons, tons of birthday cake and other support. The Foundation’s science department has even trained another hero to save humanity and gain a lot of cash in the process: Kamen Rider Birth.
Gotou Shintarou is the second yielder of Birth and a straight-laced, hard-working defender of justice. He has had to work out some issues with being too prideful to realize what it truly means to be a hero, but it hasn't stopped his determination to do what he can to save the world. When he isn't out kicking monster ass, he's the President's assistant's assistant, making him the jack of all trades, and doing all sorts of absurd odd jobs has left him rather hard to faze. His attitude is serious and by-the-book, the kind of guy who actually reads manuals instead of learning by doing. After all, instructions have a purpose, and he will do what he can to work with them.
Sample Post:
My name is Gotou, I've been sent to make this delivery to the gorilla quadruplets, ten birthday cakes each. Thank you for choosing our business, payments have been taken care of earlier. Refunds are not an option. I realize that my arrival was delayed. This could have been avoided if you had informed us of your hazardous wildlife beforehand. On my way, I have wrestled a robotic cow and been propositioned to join a conga line of undead crossdressers. Please acknowledge our unexpected extra work and consider putting up warning signs.
I'd also like to confirm a rumour for myself. The toucans - who were the only cooperative camp guides I happened across today, you should know - informed me that a young woman has been trapped in the large silo for several days. Her name is Marsie du Péril. This may seem sudden, but I want to volunteer to take care of the issue. Consider it an additional service of mine. You will not be charged extra. There is no need to worry about lack of experience in the matter. If anything, I am surprised that nobody has taken on the issue yet. ... If you absolutely must put it like that, yes, it will be 'a piece of cake'.
In order to confirm this delivery, I'll need you to sign here. If that is all I can do for you, I'll be headed for the silo - yes, already. You're mistaken, my name is not Gâteau. I am not part of this delivery. We duly noted your special filling request for a handsome entertainer... in birthday suit, but since it is not within the boundaries of my work contract it could not be met. No, not even for an additional fee. I apologize on behalf of my superior. I really am not the right person to approach about this. At most, I can relay a message. Stop sprinkling me with whipped cream. The stains are hard to get out.
... Yes, I speak from experience.
Poll Vote!
Character: Laurie Keller
Series: Cougar Town.
Character Age: Around the 28 area.
Job: Social Studies Mentor.
Canon: Cougar Town is a show that starts out focused on recently divorced Jules Cobb and what she's going through trying to get back in the dating scene, and life in general, with a teenage son and friends, Ellie and Laurie. Laurie works for Jules at her real estate business, and aside from Jules' son is the youngest in the group of friends who are in their 40's, and she helps to keep the others younger. As it goes on it focuses more on the whole group of friends in general, and there is just lots of silly friends-hanging-out hijinks.
Laurie Keller, the outgoing, self proclaimed big personality is all about the good times. She loves to party and, as with everyone else on the show, drink. Tact? What's that? Too late, she's moved onto the next topic. Boundaries? None. Doing the Walk of Shame? A+. She's never afraid to throw down and get into a scuffle... or ten, if need be, and while she's not exactly the sharpest tool in the shed, she does have a sharp tongue. Bitch at her and she'll usually bitch right back. "Totes wiggity wack" is also fine speech, and describing everything as "slammin'" while trying to sell a house at work seems perfectly professional to her. She knows she can be overbearing sometimes and if she knows you well enough and likes you, she'll generally reel it back enough before you get completely fed up, unless she's really excited to see you... All bets are off then.
Sample Post:
What up, campers? It's great to be here! ...I guess...
Okay, look. Basically, I don't know what I'm doing, which hasn't stopped me before, but they said I'd have someone helping me so... didn't really prepare... And I came late so I wouldn't be the first one here and other dude's still not here... so unprofessional, right? Like his life is really soooo important he can't show up to his job? My one friend, she had to literally make a shank and use it on someone, then hotwire a car to get to work once, but she was responsible enough to show up. Of course she had to leave early when the cops came, but I think the responsibility point still stands.
...Look, just, like, color in some squares or something. I mean, that's what you do at camp, right? I've only been once, but no one there really was doing any of those camp activities you see on the TV and then Jenny was all up in my face complaining about her missing macaroni necklace, like, get over it already, just because I didn't make my own, and the one I had just happened to look just like hers, doesn't mean anything. Besides it looked way better on me. It got a little crazy after that. You know, I don't think I ever went back after that day....
Ugh. Someone tell me my phone is broken and the clock's wrong. How long is this supposed to go on anyways? Okay, you know what, I can do this. I mean, social studies. I'm social; just look at the Larmy, which FYI is the Laurie's Army, my twitter followers. It's super popular. I've already gotten six replies from when I tweeted about how boring this class is. But we're going to make this fun now! I can be a great social... coach-person thing!
Let's see... social stuff... I can teach you about going out partying and how you should always make sure you have change for a pay phone call the next morning--you never know where you may end up, or if your cell will still be juiced--and how not to get a reputation as a tramp--one big thing is to sleep with people who aren't going to brag so much--oh, and I've got some really effective homemade birth control methods, which technically you wouldn't need information like that since you know, it's against the rules or whatever, but if I lived my life by the rules I would probably be some stick up my ass, office person, with sensible shoes. On the plus that one guy would probably have had a couple more years left, and a couple other guys would still have jobs, but thems the breaks. OH! Also, I can teach you some good moves for if you see some skank trying to move in on your man. Guys, you should definitely fight for your girl too; lots of women like it. I've got tons more helpful advice for relationships! You know, this might not be so bad. It might even be kind of cool, being like a mentor to kids!
So kids... do you know where they keep the wine?
Poll Vote!
Character: Alec Hardison
Series: Leverage
Character Age: Mid-twenties.
Job: Wilderness Survival Counselor
Canon: What happens when you take four criminal geniuses and put them together with a questionably straight man at the helm? A team of vigilantes that may be less than professional, not always on point, but the best at what they do-Taking down crooks that the law cannot touch. It takes a thief to catch a thief, right? Spanning four seasons, Leverage covers the adventures and hjinks of a crack team of thieves taking on any and every kind of job in order to help the little guy. While they may run into trouble and rough patches, the Leverage team always manages to come out on top.
In the techno-age, no vigilante team would be complete without someone cracking codes behind a keyboard. Enter Hardison: A smart alec, sci-fi loving tech geek who can hack his way into any and everything. Hardison is quick on his feet with a dry wit and sarcasm, often overacting to the point of irritating others. While he may not be serious at all times, often bringing complaint after complaint on trivial issues, he can focus on the well-being of the team and their clients, often quick to butt heads with the more ruthless members of the Leverage crew. Really, Hardison is a good guy at heart and something of a younger brother to the team with his determination and optimism once you get past his bravado and attitude.
Sample Post:
Alright, I know I'm as happy as you are about possibly getting limes or rabies or whatever these flying pests have got going on. So, if you aren't up on your shots, I am going to direct you to the hospital right over there. Now, don't rush, y'all. There is plenty of antibiotics and topical creams for everyone. Mmhm, thaaat's right . . . So, that takes care of what-About half of you? Look, I am serious if you have some kind of rash of something going on, you better get it taken care of. I am not being paid enough to try and treat the plague, malaria, or whatever West Nile outbreak going on in here. Hell, they aren't even paying me. But I am taking pity on all of you, so pay attention because I am not repeating myself.
Now, I am here to help you "survive the wilderness". And all of this? This is a whole lot of wilderness to survive, so I am going to teach you the one golden rule to live through it: Don't fight the wilderness. -No, I am dead serious. I think I saw one of those cows bench press some guy who tried to tip her over. You see wilderness? You turn around and run right the other way, back to civilization, the Internet, and Starbucks. We evolved past living in caves for a reason; there ain't no point in fighting my man Darwin on this. So, since you all are stuck here and that isn't exactly an option yet, we're going to do the next best thing.
First, what you're going to do is get out the very nice lap-Oh, no. No, this is some kind of joke, right? Because I am sure somebody got the memo . . . Somebody, anybody. Man, who did not know that Gateway shut down, like, a decade ago. This stuff should be phased right on out into a landfill! The nineties is blowing up my phone asking where its paper weight went. You guys need to trade up to something that could handle, I don't know, ethernet? Alright, look, I can still make this work, but don't you think I'm finished with this! This is cruel and unusual punishment, sticking kids with these outdated, virus-ridden bricks.
So, after you've played frisbee with your stan-dard issued piece of the Stone Age, you're going to get your cellphone out. Yeah, no cell reception, boo-hoo. Y'all are gonna be jealous when I get some pizza up in this joint, so pay attention and I might share some. -Alright, by now you should be onto the wi-fi, so you can jump onto your proxy server, whatever little piece of software you have running to keep all the back doors open. See, I call mine, Rear Window. Haha, thank you, thank you . . . Well, alright then, I guess all of the Hawaiian pie is mine. Ain't got no sense of humor, bunch of stiffs.
Once you're already in the system all you got to do is upload some-Hey! Hey now! I saw that! Fallin' asleep while I am gracing you all with my presence. You don't have a clue what you just-Oh, no, that's it. I'm gonna take care of this, you bunch of ungrateful . . . There. Now, you all can just click that link I just sent to all of y'alls mailboxes, and see about surviving the wilderness all on your own. -No, no, you're welcome. Now, somebody tip the poor pizza boy! He looks like he's seen a ghost.
Poll Vote!
Character: Shura Kirigakure
Series: Ao no Exorcist
Character Age: 26, although she claims to be 18
Job: Swordplay instructor
Canon: Ao no Exorcist is a manga about a kid named Rin with more daddy issues than a psychology textbook. This is understandable, seeing as his biological father is Satan. The series takes place in modern-day Japan where demons from hell pass over to the human world by possessing objects, plants and even humans. The only people who can expel or kill these demons are Exorcists, something Rin aspires to become so he can "kick Satan's ass!"
Someone helping Rin to achieve this goal is his teacher Shura Kirigakure, a trollish, boozy, carefree woman that has a few issues of her own. As a high-ranking Exorcist one would expect her to be hard working and dedicated, but nothing could be further from the truth. She's flippant and informal, speaks carelessly (often with tildes), and generally doesn't seem to take her job seriously at all. She hates hot weather with a passion, and has no qualms about stating her displeasure with a situation- loudly. If there's a way for her to shuck her work off onto someone else, she'll find it. Despite this, she is astoundingly good at her job- when it's actually challenging enough for her to care. Otherwise without proper motivation, she's perfectly content to be her lazy self.
Sample Post:
I hate paperwork like this... Just goes to show no matter where you go, you'll have some sort of boss tryin' to command you. A'ight, let's see what the Director wants. "Please describe in 300 words or more your first day in Camp. Focus on staying as 'in character' as possible, and reference the many wonderful aspects of Camp you encountered as much as you like!" Jeez, she makes it sound like this a maid café, not a training camp. I wonder if "mysterious, barely legal sexy swordplay teacher" works as a character type...
I'd really like to say something like, "Yer transportation here was so bumpy I felt like I was gonna puke, it had no air conditioning, and the heat didn't let up any more when I got off the damn bus. The bus 'driver' was in an awful state of rot even for a ghoul, and tried to grab my ass on the way out. I think there're still bits of his fingers on my shorts. The cabins look they were hammered together by drunken monkeys, but at least mine's got a fan in it so I don't care about that too much.
I wouldn't care about the amount of corn here either, if it were actually used for something good. Like alcohol~ There ain't nearly enough booze here, not if you expect me to survive training these brats. They're so damn incompetent... More 'raw fodder' than 'students'; It's a miracle they've survived here as long as they have. Sure, ya got bars, but those are pricy and you ain't paying me more than peanuts for this community service. This lack of alcohol's gonna be a real problem. But one thing that ain't so bad is the wildlife. Having so many (mostly) harmless zombies around means it'll be easy to just give the kids a wooden sword and point them in the right direction until they get the hang of things. After all, there's no better teacher than experience~"
But I got a feeling something like that wouldn't go over too well, not if I wanna make nice with the Director and get outta here that much sooner. It still looks a bit short, too... Ah, who cares? It ain't like anyone ever reads these reports anyways.
Poll Vote!
Character: Vincent Nightray
Series: Pandora Hearts [ wiki ]
Character Age: 23
Job: Sibling Relations Coordinator
Canon: There are two truths about Pandora Hearts: 1) no one has a fantastic life and 2) making contracts with monsters is not be the best coping method. For example, the main character Oz Vessalius is despised by his father and was shoved into the ominous Abyss only to escape and find that he has the soul of a hero in him that others seem to want desperately. That's just the kind of series Pandora Hearts is. However, you can always say "Well, at least I'm not a Nightray." Unless, of course, you are one, and then you're just screwed.
The Nightrays household is most known for shady dealing in dark and unsavory matters. Luckily, Vincent Nightray is well suited for such a shady house, being a person who makes mostly shady deals himself and is in general terribly unsafe. Two parts smooth and four parts sketchy, Vincent is a drapist who moves others around like pieces on a chessboard. Even his Beloved (capital B for Brothercon) brother, Gilbert, isn't safe from Vincent's machinations. Most importantly, Vincent is loathe to reveal any truths about his past. Plotting aside, Vincent likes walks in the parks with innocent young girls ♥, cutting up stuffed animals with scissors, taking naps, and the occasional torture session. There's nothing like a little sadism to calm the mind.
Sample Post:
Excuse me, if I could borrow your attention for one moment. Don't look so distressed, this won't take long. Oh, if that's just how you normally look, then I apologize for my ... assumption. You see, it's just fairly rare that I encounter someone with such a long face. You look as though something quite terrible has happened. It must be the angle of your jaw, so unnaturally perpendicular and all. Haha, don't be insulted, the facts are the facts. Some facts may just be less pleasant than others. And time is time, I did say I would only borrow a moment of it.
Where to begin? Ah, as you know, this being a summer camp organization and all - and my age being as it is, counselors have jobs. While I cannot promise that my job takes first precedence, I do ... intend to fully carry out my duties. This is why I've asked, so nicely, for your assistance. Somehow, it seems that I've ended up as the Sibling Relations Coordinator. I do admit to being fond of its perks. There is really nothing like spending some quality time with your sibling in a very private place. We could all do with a little more of that, hm?
However - I do understand that all occupations come with downsides. If we didn't have to ... apply ourselves, then it would simply be for fun or sport and not a job at all. But you see, this is where it becomes a little more difficult. First of all, to disperse my time to, well, everyone's relations seems both counterproductive and expecting a bit much. Second, there was no mention of compensation. I wouldn't call myself greedy, but there are certain guidelines one must follow ensure that I, too, gain something from this job. Lastly, there seems to be a bit of a ... ah, how to say this? A rudeness to my notice of employment that I don't appreciate. There is something to be said about leaving certain things in the past, isn't there? Haha, I would ask if you could see where this was going, but with your eyes and ears in such a state, I wouldn't want to make further assumptions.
But this is where you come in. I'm not looking to tarnish my entrance, certainly not when I've been given such an ... important job to do. With such important relations to further. But I'm also quite certain that your inevitable disappearance and my improvement of mood ... put plainly, I'll have put you to good use ♥
Poll Vote!
Character: Cross Marian
Series: D. Gray-Man
Character Age: Early fifties
Job: Personal Hygiene Instructor
Canon: The apocalypse is nigh at the end of an alternate reality 19th century as a devil called the Millennium Earl plots to destroy humanity, and the world's only hope is a handful of holy soldiers gathered by an organization called the Black Order. General Cross Marian, apostle of God and mentor to our hero Allen Walker, is a one-man army in a well-tailored coat and heavy leather boots. A Godsend to the desperate climate of the war, Cross is an incredibly powerful exorcist armed with a massive holy gun, scientific brilliance, forbidden sorcery, and a personal assistant named Maria, a sexy animated exorcist corpse that stays in a chained-up coffin he keeps on hand. You know, just in case one exorcist isn't enough.
He is also an asshole. His behavior is so awful, in fact, that most of the Order can't stand him. Cross spends years of his time mysteriously disappeared, driving everyone he knows into a perpetual pearl-clutching frenzy of never knowing whether he's shacked up in a brothel or dead in a ditch. He composes himself with all the poise of a lazy, drunken hobo who insists on only the best wine and the cleanest, most beautiful accommodations and company. Never in one place for long - what with allies, enemies, and debtors on his tail - if he needs a place to stay, he just visits a local lover. He racks up an overwhelming amount of debt indulging his absurdly expensive tastes in food, drinking, gambling, and hookers, and then he teaches his student how to cheat at gambling to pay it off. He clearly knows more about the plot than anybody else and is seriously furthering his agenda with every resource he has, and he is far from immune to caring for his apprentice. But that won't stop him from fucking off and disappearing into the night, leaving a trail of empty bottles, satisfied women, and bills with far too many digits in his wake.
Sample Post:
Yo, you filthy brats. I'm your new counselor. Apparently you can't bathe, so stay the hell away from me. I'm the chump stuck with teaching you how to clean your filthy selves up. Isn't this exciting? I'm not sure who's more goddamn tragic here, the teacher or the students. I'll be generous and give myself the victory. I volunteered for this crap.
You see, Elizabeth asked nicely. And while I am a man of very few weaknesses, I'll never claim I can win against a beautiful woman who asks nicely. Of course, she asked me to teach you grubby twerps in her crazy-ass camp about keeping your ears clean and your pits scrubbed, when she knows damn well you've been rolling around in science experiment backwash and sewer blood and God knows how much pollen. She had the chance to move out of that oppressive swamp to somewhere a little nice, maybe even invest in some crazy perks like clean water, and she drops everyone in a bug-infested haystack. Too bad I never claimed immunity to a sadistic smartass woman either, eh?
Anyway, I’m stuck here, so here’s your lesson. I’d say she hired the right man for the job, but there’s no point in bragging about knowing how to breathe, especially not around you filthy brats. Step one: dump yourself in water and clean yourself off. There. The mystery of bathing is solved. If you have any questions, just go the hell away. Lesson’s over.
Most of you, you ugly boys, just give up. Your nasty stink is filling my nose and if I didn’t know you'd stink slightly more as a corpse, I'd be mistaking you for one of those shambling lost souls and putting you out of your unholy misery. I see no diamond worth scrubbing clean under all that accumulated filth. If you have even a scratch of respect for your fellow man, just pin a bright red sign to you that says "INCOMPETENT" so that beautiful people can tell from a distance to avoid you. Of course, I won’t require this. If you'd rather hole up in shame, I'll allow it. I'm just too damn full of pure-hearted kindness and love when it comes to pathetic souls. It's a friggin' curse.
As for the noble girls and women of Camp Fuck You Die, if any of you have real questions, go ahead and ask. You’ve been doing your best, right? Hey, there’s real beauty in an earthy girl! A lady who can tolerate a few smudges of farmland only makes herself glow in such a harsh environment. Good on you for surviving all the men around you slowly becoming indistinguishable from the gorillas. If any of you feel like having a higher caliber of company in this dismal crowd, a beautiful girl can always find me.
Poll Vote!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me why I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Closed!
Character: Gotou Shintarou
Series: Kamen Rider OOO
Age: 22
Job: Camp Delivery Boy
Canon: After eight centuries of having been sealed away, bioengineereed monsters called Greeed are wreaking havoc among us again. They’re capable of using human desires to create monsters and satisfy their own gluttony. Fortunately there’s the series’ hero and local hobo, Hino Eiji, who inadvertently takes up the mantle of the king who originally sealed the Greeed, OOO. However, even the most heroic traveler can only do so much to fight in a world of avarice when he’s completely penniless - he soon finds himself backed up by the Kougami Foundation. Their intentions concerning OOO are shady, but their help is too good to pass up when they provide transportation, weapons, tons of birthday cake and other support. The Foundation’s science department has even trained another hero to save humanity and gain a lot of cash in the process: Kamen Rider Birth.
Gotou Shintarou is the second yielder of Birth and a straight-laced, hard-working defender of justice. He has had to work out some issues with being too prideful to realize what it truly means to be a hero, but it hasn't stopped his determination to do what he can to save the world. When he isn't out kicking monster ass, he's the President's assistant's assistant, making him the jack of all trades, and doing all sorts of absurd odd jobs has left him rather hard to faze. His attitude is serious and by-the-book, the kind of guy who actually reads manuals instead of learning by doing. After all, instructions have a purpose, and he will do what he can to work with them.
Sample Post:
My name is Gotou, I've been sent to make this delivery to the gorilla quadruplets, ten birthday cakes each. Thank you for choosing our business, payments have been taken care of earlier. Refunds are not an option. I realize that my arrival was delayed. This could have been avoided if you had informed us of your hazardous wildlife beforehand. On my way, I have wrestled a robotic cow and been propositioned to join a conga line of undead crossdressers. Please acknowledge our unexpected extra work and consider putting up warning signs.
I'd also like to confirm a rumour for myself. The toucans - who were the only cooperative camp guides I happened across today, you should know - informed me that a young woman has been trapped in the large silo for several days. Her name is Marsie du Péril. This may seem sudden, but I want to volunteer to take care of the issue. Consider it an additional service of mine. You will not be charged extra. There is no need to worry about lack of experience in the matter. If anything, I am surprised that nobody has taken on the issue yet. ... If you absolutely must put it like that, yes, it will be 'a piece of cake'.
In order to confirm this delivery, I'll need you to sign here. If that is all I can do for you, I'll be headed for the silo - yes, already. You're mistaken, my name is not Gâteau. I am not part of this delivery. We duly noted your special filling request for a handsome entertainer... in birthday suit, but since it is not within the boundaries of my work contract it could not be met. No, not even for an additional fee. I apologize on behalf of my superior. I really am not the right person to approach about this. At most, I can relay a message. Stop sprinkling me with whipped cream. The stains are hard to get out.
... Yes, I speak from experience.
Poll Vote!
Character: Laurie Keller
Series: Cougar Town.
Character Age: Around the 28 area.
Job: Social Studies Mentor.
Canon: Cougar Town is a show that starts out focused on recently divorced Jules Cobb and what she's going through trying to get back in the dating scene, and life in general, with a teenage son and friends, Ellie and Laurie. Laurie works for Jules at her real estate business, and aside from Jules' son is the youngest in the group of friends who are in their 40's, and she helps to keep the others younger. As it goes on it focuses more on the whole group of friends in general, and there is just lots of silly friends-hanging-out hijinks.
Laurie Keller, the outgoing, self proclaimed big personality is all about the good times. She loves to party and, as with everyone else on the show, drink. Tact? What's that? Too late, she's moved onto the next topic. Boundaries? None. Doing the Walk of Shame? A+. She's never afraid to throw down and get into a scuffle... or ten, if need be, and while she's not exactly the sharpest tool in the shed, she does have a sharp tongue. Bitch at her and she'll usually bitch right back. "Totes wiggity wack" is also fine speech, and describing everything as "slammin'" while trying to sell a house at work seems perfectly professional to her. She knows she can be overbearing sometimes and if she knows you well enough and likes you, she'll generally reel it back enough before you get completely fed up, unless she's really excited to see you... All bets are off then.
Sample Post:
What up, campers? It's great to be here! ...I guess...
Okay, look. Basically, I don't know what I'm doing, which hasn't stopped me before, but they said I'd have someone helping me so... didn't really prepare... And I came late so I wouldn't be the first one here and other dude's still not here... so unprofessional, right? Like his life is really soooo important he can't show up to his job? My one friend, she had to literally make a shank and use it on someone, then hotwire a car to get to work once, but she was responsible enough to show up. Of course she had to leave early when the cops came, but I think the responsibility point still stands.
...Look, just, like, color in some squares or something. I mean, that's what you do at camp, right? I've only been once, but no one there really was doing any of those camp activities you see on the TV and then Jenny was all up in my face complaining about her missing macaroni necklace, like, get over it already, just because I didn't make my own, and the one I had just happened to look just like hers, doesn't mean anything. Besides it looked way better on me. It got a little crazy after that. You know, I don't think I ever went back after that day....
Ugh. Someone tell me my phone is broken and the clock's wrong. How long is this supposed to go on anyways? Okay, you know what, I can do this. I mean, social studies. I'm social; just look at the Larmy, which FYI is the Laurie's Army, my twitter followers. It's super popular. I've already gotten six replies from when I tweeted about how boring this class is. But we're going to make this fun now! I can be a great social... coach-person thing!
Let's see... social stuff... I can teach you about going out partying and how you should always make sure you have change for a pay phone call the next morning--you never know where you may end up, or if your cell will still be juiced--and how not to get a reputation as a tramp--one big thing is to sleep with people who aren't going to brag so much--oh, and I've got some really effective homemade birth control methods, which technically you wouldn't need information like that since you know, it's against the rules or whatever, but if I lived my life by the rules I would probably be some stick up my ass, office person, with sensible shoes. On the plus that one guy would probably have had a couple more years left, and a couple other guys would still have jobs, but thems the breaks. OH! Also, I can teach you some good moves for if you see some skank trying to move in on your man. Guys, you should definitely fight for your girl too; lots of women like it. I've got tons more helpful advice for relationships! You know, this might not be so bad. It might even be kind of cool, being like a mentor to kids!
So kids... do you know where they keep the wine?
Poll Vote!
Character: Alec Hardison
Series: Leverage
Character Age: Mid-twenties.
Job: Wilderness Survival Counselor
Canon: What happens when you take four criminal geniuses and put them together with a questionably straight man at the helm? A team of vigilantes that may be less than professional, not always on point, but the best at what they do-Taking down crooks that the law cannot touch. It takes a thief to catch a thief, right? Spanning four seasons, Leverage covers the adventures and hjinks of a crack team of thieves taking on any and every kind of job in order to help the little guy. While they may run into trouble and rough patches, the Leverage team always manages to come out on top.
In the techno-age, no vigilante team would be complete without someone cracking codes behind a keyboard. Enter Hardison: A smart alec, sci-fi loving tech geek who can hack his way into any and everything. Hardison is quick on his feet with a dry wit and sarcasm, often overacting to the point of irritating others. While he may not be serious at all times, often bringing complaint after complaint on trivial issues, he can focus on the well-being of the team and their clients, often quick to butt heads with the more ruthless members of the Leverage crew. Really, Hardison is a good guy at heart and something of a younger brother to the team with his determination and optimism once you get past his bravado and attitude.
Sample Post:
Alright, I know I'm as happy as you are about possibly getting limes or rabies or whatever these flying pests have got going on. So, if you aren't up on your shots, I am going to direct you to the hospital right over there. Now, don't rush, y'all. There is plenty of antibiotics and topical creams for everyone. Mmhm, thaaat's right . . . So, that takes care of what-About half of you? Look, I am serious if you have some kind of rash of something going on, you better get it taken care of. I am not being paid enough to try and treat the plague, malaria, or whatever West Nile outbreak going on in here. Hell, they aren't even paying me. But I am taking pity on all of you, so pay attention because I am not repeating myself.
Now, I am here to help you "survive the wilderness". And all of this? This is a whole lot of wilderness to survive, so I am going to teach you the one golden rule to live through it: Don't fight the wilderness. -No, I am dead serious. I think I saw one of those cows bench press some guy who tried to tip her over. You see wilderness? You turn around and run right the other way, back to civilization, the Internet, and Starbucks. We evolved past living in caves for a reason; there ain't no point in fighting my man Darwin on this. So, since you all are stuck here and that isn't exactly an option yet, we're going to do the next best thing.
First, what you're going to do is get out the very nice lap-Oh, no. No, this is some kind of joke, right? Because I am sure somebody got the memo . . . Somebody, anybody. Man, who did not know that Gateway shut down, like, a decade ago. This stuff should be phased right on out into a landfill! The nineties is blowing up my phone asking where its paper weight went. You guys need to trade up to something that could handle, I don't know, ethernet? Alright, look, I can still make this work, but don't you think I'm finished with this! This is cruel and unusual punishment, sticking kids with these outdated, virus-ridden bricks.
So, after you've played frisbee with your stan-dard issued piece of the Stone Age, you're going to get your cellphone out. Yeah, no cell reception, boo-hoo. Y'all are gonna be jealous when I get some pizza up in this joint, so pay attention and I might share some. -Alright, by now you should be onto the wi-fi, so you can jump onto your proxy server, whatever little piece of software you have running to keep all the back doors open. See, I call mine, Rear Window. Haha, thank you, thank you . . . Well, alright then, I guess all of the Hawaiian pie is mine. Ain't got no sense of humor, bunch of stiffs.
Once you're already in the system all you got to do is upload some-Hey! Hey now! I saw that! Fallin' asleep while I am gracing you all with my presence. You don't have a clue what you just-Oh, no, that's it. I'm gonna take care of this, you bunch of ungrateful . . . There. Now, you all can just click that link I just sent to all of y'alls mailboxes, and see about surviving the wilderness all on your own. -No, no, you're welcome. Now, somebody tip the poor pizza boy! He looks like he's seen a ghost.
Poll Vote!
Character: Shura Kirigakure
Series: Ao no Exorcist
Character Age: 26, although she claims to be 18
Job: Swordplay instructor
Canon: Ao no Exorcist is a manga about a kid named Rin with more daddy issues than a psychology textbook. This is understandable, seeing as his biological father is Satan. The series takes place in modern-day Japan where demons from hell pass over to the human world by possessing objects, plants and even humans. The only people who can expel or kill these demons are Exorcists, something Rin aspires to become so he can "kick Satan's ass!"
Someone helping Rin to achieve this goal is his teacher Shura Kirigakure, a trollish, boozy, carefree woman that has a few issues of her own. As a high-ranking Exorcist one would expect her to be hard working and dedicated, but nothing could be further from the truth. She's flippant and informal, speaks carelessly (often with tildes), and generally doesn't seem to take her job seriously at all. She hates hot weather with a passion, and has no qualms about stating her displeasure with a situation- loudly. If there's a way for her to shuck her work off onto someone else, she'll find it. Despite this, she is astoundingly good at her job- when it's actually challenging enough for her to care. Otherwise without proper motivation, she's perfectly content to be her lazy self.
Sample Post:
I hate paperwork like this... Just goes to show no matter where you go, you'll have some sort of boss tryin' to command you. A'ight, let's see what the Director wants. "Please describe in 300 words or more your first day in Camp. Focus on staying as 'in character' as possible, and reference the many wonderful aspects of Camp you encountered as much as you like!" Jeez, she makes it sound like this a maid café, not a training camp. I wonder if "mysterious, barely legal sexy swordplay teacher" works as a character type...
I'd really like to say something like, "Yer transportation here was so bumpy I felt like I was gonna puke, it had no air conditioning, and the heat didn't let up any more when I got off the damn bus. The bus 'driver' was in an awful state of rot even for a ghoul, and tried to grab my ass on the way out. I think there're still bits of his fingers on my shorts. The cabins look they were hammered together by drunken monkeys, but at least mine's got a fan in it so I don't care about that too much.
I wouldn't care about the amount of corn here either, if it were actually used for something good. Like alcohol~ There ain't nearly enough booze here, not if you expect me to survive training these brats. They're so damn incompetent... More 'raw fodder' than 'students'; It's a miracle they've survived here as long as they have. Sure, ya got bars, but those are pricy and you ain't paying me more than peanuts for this community service. This lack of alcohol's gonna be a real problem. But one thing that ain't so bad is the wildlife. Having so many (mostly) harmless zombies around means it'll be easy to just give the kids a wooden sword and point them in the right direction until they get the hang of things. After all, there's no better teacher than experience~"
But I got a feeling something like that wouldn't go over too well, not if I wanna make nice with the Director and get outta here that much sooner. It still looks a bit short, too... Ah, who cares? It ain't like anyone ever reads these reports anyways.
Poll Vote!
Character: Vincent Nightray
Series: Pandora Hearts [ wiki ]
Character Age: 23
Job: Sibling Relations Coordinator
Canon: There are two truths about Pandora Hearts: 1) no one has a fantastic life and 2) making contracts with monsters is not be the best coping method. For example, the main character Oz Vessalius is despised by his father and was shoved into the ominous Abyss only to escape and find that he has the soul of a hero in him that others seem to want desperately. That's just the kind of series Pandora Hearts is. However, you can always say "Well, at least I'm not a Nightray." Unless, of course, you are one, and then you're just screwed.
The Nightrays household is most known for shady dealing in dark and unsavory matters. Luckily, Vincent Nightray is well suited for such a shady house, being a person who makes mostly shady deals himself and is in general terribly unsafe. Two parts smooth and four parts sketchy, Vincent is a drapist who moves others around like pieces on a chessboard. Even his Beloved (capital B for Brothercon) brother, Gilbert, isn't safe from Vincent's machinations. Most importantly, Vincent is loathe to reveal any truths about his past. Plotting aside, Vincent likes walks in the parks with innocent young girls ♥, cutting up stuffed animals with scissors, taking naps, and the occasional torture session. There's nothing like a little sadism to calm the mind.
Sample Post:
Excuse me, if I could borrow your attention for one moment. Don't look so distressed, this won't take long. Oh, if that's just how you normally look, then I apologize for my ... assumption. You see, it's just fairly rare that I encounter someone with such a long face. You look as though something quite terrible has happened. It must be the angle of your jaw, so unnaturally perpendicular and all. Haha, don't be insulted, the facts are the facts. Some facts may just be less pleasant than others. And time is time, I did say I would only borrow a moment of it.
Where to begin? Ah, as you know, this being a summer camp organization and all - and my age being as it is, counselors have jobs. While I cannot promise that my job takes first precedence, I do ... intend to fully carry out my duties. This is why I've asked, so nicely, for your assistance. Somehow, it seems that I've ended up as the Sibling Relations Coordinator. I do admit to being fond of its perks. There is really nothing like spending some quality time with your sibling in a very private place. We could all do with a little more of that, hm?
However - I do understand that all occupations come with downsides. If we didn't have to ... apply ourselves, then it would simply be for fun or sport and not a job at all. But you see, this is where it becomes a little more difficult. First of all, to disperse my time to, well, everyone's relations seems both counterproductive and expecting a bit much. Second, there was no mention of compensation. I wouldn't call myself greedy, but there are certain guidelines one must follow ensure that I, too, gain something from this job. Lastly, there seems to be a bit of a ... ah, how to say this? A rudeness to my notice of employment that I don't appreciate. There is something to be said about leaving certain things in the past, isn't there? Haha, I would ask if you could see where this was going, but with your eyes and ears in such a state, I wouldn't want to make further assumptions.
But this is where you come in. I'm not looking to tarnish my entrance, certainly not when I've been given such an ... important job to do. With such important relations to further. But I'm also quite certain that your inevitable disappearance and my improvement of mood ... put plainly, I'll have put you to good use ♥
Poll Vote!
Character: Cross Marian
Series: D. Gray-Man
Character Age: Early fifties
Job: Personal Hygiene Instructor
Canon: The apocalypse is nigh at the end of an alternate reality 19th century as a devil called the Millennium Earl plots to destroy humanity, and the world's only hope is a handful of holy soldiers gathered by an organization called the Black Order. General Cross Marian, apostle of God and mentor to our hero Allen Walker, is a one-man army in a well-tailored coat and heavy leather boots. A Godsend to the desperate climate of the war, Cross is an incredibly powerful exorcist armed with a massive holy gun, scientific brilliance, forbidden sorcery, and a personal assistant named Maria, a sexy animated exorcist corpse that stays in a chained-up coffin he keeps on hand. You know, just in case one exorcist isn't enough.
He is also an asshole. His behavior is so awful, in fact, that most of the Order can't stand him. Cross spends years of his time mysteriously disappeared, driving everyone he knows into a perpetual pearl-clutching frenzy of never knowing whether he's shacked up in a brothel or dead in a ditch. He composes himself with all the poise of a lazy, drunken hobo who insists on only the best wine and the cleanest, most beautiful accommodations and company. Never in one place for long - what with allies, enemies, and debtors on his tail - if he needs a place to stay, he just visits a local lover. He racks up an overwhelming amount of debt indulging his absurdly expensive tastes in food, drinking, gambling, and hookers, and then he teaches his student how to cheat at gambling to pay it off. He clearly knows more about the plot than anybody else and is seriously furthering his agenda with every resource he has, and he is far from immune to caring for his apprentice. But that won't stop him from fucking off and disappearing into the night, leaving a trail of empty bottles, satisfied women, and bills with far too many digits in his wake.
Sample Post:
Yo, you filthy brats. I'm your new counselor. Apparently you can't bathe, so stay the hell away from me. I'm the chump stuck with teaching you how to clean your filthy selves up. Isn't this exciting? I'm not sure who's more goddamn tragic here, the teacher or the students. I'll be generous and give myself the victory. I volunteered for this crap.
You see, Elizabeth asked nicely. And while I am a man of very few weaknesses, I'll never claim I can win against a beautiful woman who asks nicely. Of course, she asked me to teach you grubby twerps in her crazy-ass camp about keeping your ears clean and your pits scrubbed, when she knows damn well you've been rolling around in science experiment backwash and sewer blood and God knows how much pollen. She had the chance to move out of that oppressive swamp to somewhere a little nice, maybe even invest in some crazy perks like clean water, and she drops everyone in a bug-infested haystack. Too bad I never claimed immunity to a sadistic smartass woman either, eh?
Anyway, I’m stuck here, so here’s your lesson. I’d say she hired the right man for the job, but there’s no point in bragging about knowing how to breathe, especially not around you filthy brats. Step one: dump yourself in water and clean yourself off. There. The mystery of bathing is solved. If you have any questions, just go the hell away. Lesson’s over.
Most of you, you ugly boys, just give up. Your nasty stink is filling my nose and if I didn’t know you'd stink slightly more as a corpse, I'd be mistaking you for one of those shambling lost souls and putting you out of your unholy misery. I see no diamond worth scrubbing clean under all that accumulated filth. If you have even a scratch of respect for your fellow man, just pin a bright red sign to you that says "INCOMPETENT" so that beautiful people can tell from a distance to avoid you. Of course, I won’t require this. If you'd rather hole up in shame, I'll allow it. I'm just too damn full of pure-hearted kindness and love when it comes to pathetic souls. It's a friggin' curse.
As for the noble girls and women of Camp Fuck You Die, if any of you have real questions, go ahead and ask. You’ve been doing your best, right? Hey, there’s real beauty in an earthy girl! A lady who can tolerate a few smudges of farmland only makes herself glow in such a harsh environment. Good on you for surviving all the men around you slowly becoming indistinguishable from the gorillas. If any of you feel like having a higher caliber of company in this dismal crowd, a beautiful girl can always find me.
Poll Vote!